Ashes and Ice

by Tracie Peterson

  Adrik smiled at her, and Karen saw the sympathy and kindness in his expression as he reached out to touch Leah’s shoulder. “I know you love your brother and want to know the truth about your father, and no man could ask for a better sister or daughter. But, Leah, you have no idea what you’d be up against. The nights are bitter cold, even now with the spring coming. There will be floods with the thaw and wild animals. There are miles to go between here and Dawson City, miles that you will have to walk. Are you really up to that?”

  Leah lifted her chin ever so slightly. “I’ll do what I have to. Ma said that was the way it was with life. You face each day as it comes. And the way I see it, every day spent on the trail would put me that much closer to Jacob and maybe even Pa.”

  “She’s got a point, Adrik,” Karen said softly. “The reason I’ve asked you here is to find out if you’d be our guide. I could pay you.”

  Adrik frowned. “I’d hoped maybe I was something more than a guide.”

  “You’re our friend,” Leah responded before Karen could speak. “You’re the only one we trust.”

  Adrik met Karen’s eyes. He seemed to demand answers from her that she wasn’t yet ready to give him. Understanding this, he drew a deep breath and put both his palms down on the table. It looked as though he might push himself up and leave, but instead he blew out his breath loudly and patted the tabletop. “I suppose we need to figure out what our assets are. The supplies needed to go north are extensive, as you well know. A ton of goods per person won’t be cheap. Then there are tariffs to pay to the Canadians, and we can’t hope to pack this stuff all on our own. I can hire a couple of natives to help, but they probably won’t want to go any farther than Lake Bennett.”

  Karen smiled. He was going to help them. The thought sent a wave of relief washing over her. She flashed him a look of gratitude—at least she hoped he’d see it for that. “I have the list that appeared in the paper,” she said, pulling the notice from her pocket. “Does this appear to suggest all of the necessary supplies?”

  Adrik took the paper and scanned it. “I have tools—we needn’t have those things for each person. I also have a large tent we can share and a cookstove, so we needn’t buy those things, either.”

  “I don’t know that it would be such a good idea for us to share a tent,” Karen replied. “We aren’t . . . well . . . that is to say . . .” She felt her cheeks grow hot. “We aren’t family.”

  “We could remedy that,” Adrik said with a laugh. “Wouldn’t hurt my feelings none.” He leaned over and playfully nudged Leah. “How about you? Would you be against Karen marrying someone like me?”

  Karen felt mortified. He’d never talked of marriage—not outright like this. Leah giggled. Karen hadn’t heard that girlish sound in weeks. Leah had been so lost in her sorrows that laughter had been buried along with the news of her father and her brother’s disappearance.

  “Enough!” Karen declared. “Just buy another tent. We have the money.”

  Adrik turned to study her for a moment. He raised a brow as if to question her certainty on the matter, then shrugged. Karen couldn’t help but see something akin to regret, maybe even hurt, in his expression.

  “You talk as though money is no object,” Adrik said, looking back at the list. “I think we’d better figure out how much we have for this. I have nearly eight hundred dollars from my packing experiences. I want to leave some of it for Joe and his family. Packers aren’t making much money these days, what with the tramway taking their business.”

  “That’s perfectly fine,” Karen replied. “We did very well with the store, and Mr. Colton was quite generous with our profits. I have my aunt’s share as well as my own. There’s probably twelve hundred dollars in my account.”

  “Well, coming from a camp where they charged twentyfive dollars for a dozen eggs, you’re going to need every cent you can put your hands on,” Adrik replied. “We’ve also got to remember the duty taxes. I’ve heard it said you’ll pay a pretty penny to get the Canadians to let you cross their borders.”

  “I’m sure the stores here will give us a good deal. I was always generous with them when they needed something from me,” Karen said. “Do you think we can get everything we need here in Dyea?”

  Adrik continued to look at the list and nodded. “I feel confident we can, but you’ll pay dearly whether they owe you favors or not. Can you maybe get Mrs. Neal to let you have some of her kitchenware rather than buying it all brand-new?”

  “It’s possible. What will we need?”

  “Well, I have a coffeepot and a skillet, so we don’t need to worry about that,” he replied. “See if she can spare a couple of pie tins. You can use those over the fire if need be or just heat things up on the camp stove with them. You can eat out of them, wash out of them, and even dig with them if you have to. They make a very useful tool. If she doesn’t have any, we’ll buy rather than settle for plates.”

  Karen nodded. “I’m sure we can get them. What else?”

  “You and Leah will each need your own tin cup and knife. I can find you a couple of good pocketknives. These are vital. You need them to stay alive. Never underestimate the usefulness of anything. Why, I once saw a man pull his bootlaces out and make a fishing line with them and a safety pin. You just never know.”

  “Sounds like we’ll have ample chance to use our imaginations,” Karen said with a grin.

  He laughed and looked at her in such a way as to warm her blood. “You don’t know the half of it.”

  They pored over the supply list for another half hour before they all felt they knew exactly what their responsibilities were to be. Leah began to yawn, and Karen finally sent her upstairs, leaving only Adrik to sit with her in the dim lamplight of Mrs. Neal’s empty dining room.

  “So what do we do when we find him?” Adrik asked, his voice low and appealing.

  They were so very alone, Karen realized, and for a moment the idea rather excited her. She wondered if he might attempt to kiss her again. And if he did, she wondered if she would try to stop him. “Find whom?” she asked, rousing herself from such thoughts.

  Adrik looked at her, rather puzzled. “Whom do you suppose? Jacob.”

  Karen shrugged. “I hadn’t thought past the search. And I really don’t have any hope of finding Bill. Even if the man you found wasn’t Bill, he could be so far away by now we might never find him. He may not even have survived another leg of his journey.”

  “Have you ever considered settling up north? Whitehorse or Dawson?”

  Such thoughts had once accompanied Karen to Alaska, but they’d died out with her father’s passing. “I don’t know what I want to do. Things are so very confusing right now. I had thought about teaching the native children—you know that, of course, from our previous talks. Now I just don’t know.”

  “You don’t seem quite as angry as the last time I saw you,” Adrik braved.

  “No, I suppose not.” She brought her elbows to the table and leaned her chin against her folded hands.

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  She heard the desire in his voice. Not a passionate desire, but rather one of hope that she would not shut him out. “I suppose there’s really very little that you aren’t already aware of. I miss my father. I’m confused about God and what He wants from me. I’m angry for being angry, and torn apart for hurting the people I care about most.”

  “Nothing’s been said or done that can’t be fixed,” Adrik suggested.

  “I can’t bring the dead back to life, and that’s what I really need. I need my father to tell me it’s all right—that I can stay on with him and that he’ll teach me how to minister to the people he so loved. I need Aunt Doris and my mother to encourage me and love me until I’m strong enough to stand on my own again. I need Bill Barringer to come back to his children—to father them and care for them as only a parent can.

  “I need things I can’t even identify,” she said in complete exasperation.

  “Well, I can�
��t bring the dead back to life, either,” Adrik said softly, “but I can tell you that it’s all right—that you can stay on with me, and that I’ll teach you how to minister to the people your father loved—the people I love.”

  Karen closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. Why did she have to be so moved by his words? Why did she have to feel all weak and shaken? “I don’t know what’s right. I don’t know what God wants because I haven’t bothered to ask Him.”

  Adrik took hold of her wrists and pulled her hands away from her face. When Karen still refused to look at him, he let go of her arms and put two fingers to her chin. “Look at me,” he commanded.

  She opened her eyes, but her vision blurred from her tears. She’d been so cruel to him. Why did he go on enduring her?

  “God wants you to talk to Him. He wants you to put aside childish ways and trust Him. You’ve been fighting Him, wrestling Him for a blessing, and He’s already provided.”

  “But He’s taken away so much that I loved.”

  Adrik rubbed his thumb against her cheek. “But maybe He’s given you new things to love.”

  She trembled under his touch. She wanted Adrik to hold her, to kiss her, to promise her that nothing would ever hurt her again. If only he would make that pledge, she could tell him that she loved him—would love him forever. But she wanted the same of God, and if God wouldn’t give her that promise, how could this mere mortal?

  Breaking the spell, Karen jumped up from the table, sending her chair flying backward to crash against the floor. For a moment she shook off the spell Adrik had woven over her, and by the time he got to his feet, Karen felt a firm resolve to send him on his way.

  “I have to go,” she said in a curt manner. “Leah will be wondering where I am.”

  She headed for the door, but Adrik caught hold of her before she could get that far. Swinging her around, he pulled her against his chest and held her fast.

  “What are you afraid of?”

  She swallowed hard. “Everything,” she whispered.

  “Don’t be.” He put his hand to the back of her head and buried his fingers in her coiled braid. His mouth came against hers in a kiss so sweet and passionate that Karen momentarily took leave of her senses.

  She lost herself in his embrace, allowing her hands to travel up to the back of his neck. She memorized the feel of the scar that edged along the right side, leaving a deep furrow where his collar reached. She let her fingers toy with the thickness of his hair, all while being very much aware of his hands. One pressed against the small of her back keeping her snug against the warmth of his body, while he’d brought the other around to the side of her face.

  He was all she wanted. Nothing else mattered. Not the trip north nor her damaged friendship. Nothing else even came to mind. She wanted nothing more than to stay forever in his arms.

  Returning his kiss with a zeal she’d not known herself capable of, Karen all at once realized she was gasping for air. The smell and taste of this powerful, wonderful man had completely stolen her senses. Forcing herself to regain control, Karen brought her hand between them and pushed at Adrik’s chest. She had to stop this now or she might forget herself all together.

  “Adrik!” She staggered back and looked at him, embarrassment replacing the passion.

  He grinned at her in an irritating manner that furthered Karen’s journey back to reality. “What? Am I doing it wrong?” he asked, as if he had no idea what the problem might be.

  Karen bit her lip for a moment, then shook her head. “Buy another tent. That’s final.”

  She heard him laugh as she hurried from the room. No doubt he had no idea what he’d done to her. No doubt he had no idea how hard it had been for her to walk away.

  —[CHAPTER FIFTEEN]—

  ADRIK GOT LITTLE SLEEP that night. And the next. Consumed with his feelings for Karen, he could only remember the way she’d felt in his arms—the way she had yielded to his kiss.

  “She loves me,” he said aloud as he pulled on his boots. “I’m certain of it, but how do I make her certain of it, as well?” He got up from his cot and went to the makeshift table he used for his tent. Picking up his Bible, he pored over the Scriptures between sips of steaming coffee. The book of First John spoke to him of God’s love and the need to show love in return to God’s children.

  “I love her,” he said prayerfully. “I know she loves me. I know she loves you, too. Oh, Father, she’s just afraid. She’s terrified that you have somehow forgotten her. She’s worried that the love she’s given has somehow been misplaced. Help her, Father. Help her to see that just because bad things have happened, it doesn’t mean you haven’t been there all along, grieving with her, sharing her sorrow.”

  Adrik closed the Bible and buried his face in his hands. He continued to pray in silence, losing track of the noises around him and the time.

  Help me not to make a mess of things by pushing her for answers before she’s ready to give them. Help me to take her and Leah north, to do it safely. And please, Lord, let us find Jacob. I probably shouldn’t have let him go off like I did, but I know how it feels to mourn a father’s death. I needed time to myself, and I was certain he did, too. I didn’t mean to be neglectful of my duties as a Christian man. If I failed to respond in the right way, please forgive me.

  He prayed for some time, and only when he felt he’d exhausted himself before God’s throne did Adrik put away his Bible and head out to tend to business.

  “Where are you headed?” Dyea Joe asked. His dirty white bowler was pulled down tight over oily black hair. Added to this, his heavy pants, coat, and best boots told Adrik that Joe was ready to head back up to pack goods on the trail.

  “I have to buy supplies. Are you game for a bit of a trip?”

  Joe shrugged. “I was going up with the others. Why?”

  “I’ve agreed to pack north with Karen Pierce and Leah Barringer. They’re desperate to find Jacob Barringer and to know the truth about whether the man I found in the avalanche was really Bill. I’m not sure what we’ll do once we’re up there, but we’ll go until we find the boy and then decide. I just wondered if you and your family wanted the job packing.”

  “Sure,” Joe said, nodding. He followed Adrik to the Yukon outfitters and stopped short of going inside. “How soon you want to leave?”

  Adrik realized they’d not settled on a day or time. “I’m not sure. It’ll take me a day or two to put everything together. Why don’t you round up some reliable men and meet me tonight at my tent? We’ll discuss the time and place then.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  “Good. Now I have to buy a tent,” Adrik said, pulling open the door to the shop.

  “Buy a tent? You have a tent,” Joe declared.

  Adrik turned and smiled. “I don’t have a big enough tent.”

  Joe shrugged in confusion, tapped down his bowler as if it had come loose, then sauntered off down the street. Adrik laughed, knowing the man couldn’t hope to understand the situation. Then again, Adrik wasn’t exactly sure he understood it all himself.

  Four hours later, Adrik shook hands on the last deal. Eight hundred pounds of flour, three hundred pounds of split peas, and three hundred pounds of sugar were to be delivered by morning. This, added to the condensed milk, coffee, dried potatoes, fruit, rice, and beans that he’d already purchased earlier in the morning would round out their supplies rather nicely. He knew they could pick up other things once they got to Sheep Camp or the Scales. Discouraged men would be turning back by that point, and there was always a supply of goods to be bought.

  Stopping by the Gold Nugget for lunch, Adrik figured to satisfy his appetite and talk to Karen at the same time. He walked into the dining room and spied her working at one of the far tables. A rowdy group of men seemed to be overstepping their bounds as she worked to maneuver out of their reach. Adrik frowned. It seemed the men had escaped manners and common decency when they came north. He crossed the room just as one man put his hand out
to give Karen’s backside a friendly pat.

  Adrik plowed his fist into the man’s jaw, leaving everyone at the table to stare up in stunned silence. Except, of course, the injured man. He howled like Adrik had mortally wounded him. Even Karen turned rather abruptly, startled by her customers’ expressions and the man’s obvious pain. Adrik noted her face had reddened considerably.

  “What’d ya do that for, mister? I didn’t mean any harm.” The wounded man rubbed his jaw and winced.

  “I didn’t mean any harm, either,” Adrik replied. “Just figured if we were putting our hands where they had no business bein’, then I’d get in on the fun, as well. Now, if you apologize to the lady, I might be inclined to put an end to our game.”

  “Sorry, miss,” the man said, sounding profoundly sincere.

  Karen said nothing but seemed pleased that Adrik had come to her rescue. He winked at her and asked, “Do you have a table for me?”

  She looked over her shoulder and motioned with her head. “You can sit over there.”

  Adrik spied the small corner table. “Can you join me?”

  “In about ten minutes,” she replied. “Mrs. Neal has a couple of girls coming in to spell us. We’ve been at this pretty much since breakfast. I think this must be a new group headed north.”

  Adrik nodded. “I’ll wait over here. Whatever you’re dishing up today is just fine by me.” He grinned, then leaned close enough that only Karen could hear him add, “As long as you come with the meal.”

  She elbowed him away. “I’ll bring you fish heads and seaweed if you don’t mind your manners.”

  He laughed all the way to the table, knowing that if Karen Pierce served them up, he’d find a way to digest them. He watched her work, admiring her stamina and grace. She conducted herself like a lady but wasn’t averse to getting her hands dirty. Maybe it was because she came from a family of good hardworking folk who’d brought her up to appreciate manual labor as well as an education. And in truth, Adrik admired her mind, as well. She was smart—smarter than most women. Smart and pretty. Now, there was a combination.