Winds of Heaven

by Karen Toller Whittenburg

  The hours were busy with activities, yet Kylie felt as if she were constantly waiting. Waiting for night to ease her empty arms with sleep, waiting for sunrise to ease her empty dreams with wakefulness. Waiting for Nick’s calls, which both appeased her longing and increased her dissatisfaction.

  Loneliness is a state of mind, she told herself again and again, but she finally admitted that loneliness was a state of heart and therefore completely immune to logic.

  By the end of the week Kylie had had her fill of leisurely activity. She found herself in her office at Southwest, thumbing through notes and chafing at the inopportune interruption of the seminar. Nick had made a mistake in canceling the sessions. The tension among the employees was almost palpable, and several times, as she walked through the building, she’d been asked when the training course would continue.

  Whether he realized it or not, Nick had only heightened speculation among the employees, and Kylie was utterly frustrated by the knowledge that she could have helped to ease the strained situation.

  Alex reinforced her frustration at every turn. He seemed quietly resigned since the fire, as if he were waiting for the verdict. Kylie discovered that, stripped of his arrogant self-confidence, Alex exhibited some of the likable character traits that Stephanie had known about all along. More than anything else Kylie regretted that now, when Alex was receptive and needed assertiveness training, the seminar was on hold.

  Alex wasn’t happy about the delay and told her more than once that she should consider resuming the sessions. She resisted the temptation, though, reminding herself of Nick’s request. But as the days wore on and she sensed the growing restlessness at the mill, Kylie began to consider Alex’s suggestion.

  Nick would disapprove. She had little doubt of that. But Nick was in California. A long way from the situation, and after all, she had told him before he left that the delay was temporary. He knew she had every intention of finishing the seminar when he returned. And each day that she allowed the delay to continue, she lost some of the trainees’ initial enthusiasm for the course.

  When Alex told her in a tremulous but nonetheless authoritative voice that he wanted her to begin the sessions again the following week, Kylie was eager to agree. Despite his assurances that he would take the responsibility of apprising Nick and the home office, she decided to mention it to Nick herself.

  Nick might not be thrilled with the information, but Kylie hoped he would go along with her. Besides, by now he had surely had time to consider the matter from her perspective and could agree that continuing the seminar would be best for all concerned. And even if he didn’t agree with her, it might be the catalyst that brought him back to her.

  He had given no indication of when he might return. At first he had telephoned every evening, but the phone had been sullenly silent for the past two days. Well, Kylie decided, there was no reason she couldn’t phone him. And she would.

  Procrastination became the byword during the weekend, though, as she allowed one thing after another to postpone that call. But when the-sun set on a lazy Sunday, Kylie gathered her courage in one hand and lifted the telephone receiver in the other.

  * * * *

  Nick closed the door and tossed his keys onto the table in the entryway of his apartment. The telephone shrilled a summons that he was sorely tempted to ignore. It would be Aunt Rosemary calling to renew the afternoon’s attack, although how she could think of anything else to say he couldn’t imagine. During the past week he’d heard every conceivable explanation for Alex’s carelessness and all the evidence to support each one.

  The ringing persisted, and Nick moved reluctantly toward the phone. If he didn’t answer, she would only dial his grandfather and stir the embers of the argument Nick had spent most of the day trying to cool down.

  Slumping into the sofa cushions, Nick raked tired fingers through his hair and then lifted the receiver from its cradle.

  A family-owned business, he thought. What a hell of a way to earn a living. “Yes?”

  “Nick?”

  It was Kylie’s voice, husky and hesitant, and his weariness drained away beneath the soft pleasure washing over him. “Kylie.” Just the taste of her name on his lips was satisfying, and he tried it again. “Kylie.”

  “Hi,” she said. “How are you?”

  His lips curved. “Lonely. How are you?”

  “Sunburned and saturated with sight-seeing.”

  “And lonely for me?” he prodded gently.

  “Yes, lonely for you.”

  The depth of feeling in her answer reassured him, and Nick ached with the need to touch her. “What did you do today?” he asked, trying to visualize the expression in her coffee-dark eyes.

  “I washed my hair and let it dry while I napped in the sun. I read the newspaper, fifty pages of a dull novel, and the assertiveness training manual. I nibbled on leftovers and devoured all the junk food you had hidden in the cupboard.” Her laugh came, low and lovely. “Are you thoroughly bored yet, or shall I continue this gripping narrative?”

  “I’m thoroughly jealous. It must be nice to enjoy such nonvolatile activities. I’d trade my day for yours in the blink of an eye.”

  “Things aren’t going well?” she asked in a sympathetic voice.

  “Oh, we’ve progressed from obstinate, opinionated bias to a very loud silence that has now escalated into full-scale bargaining. But I’d say that a reasonable solution is still several days away.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment sounded in her audible sigh. “How are you, Nick? Really?”

  Her concern carried across the miles and soothed his frustration. He needed this, he thought, needed her quiet comfort after the emotional tug-of-war he’d been through. “I’m fine, really. It’s draining, but I’m used to this sort of family warfare. The situation will resolve itself, given time. It’s just that I’d much prefer to spend the time with you. Sight-seeing and sunning and ... so on.”

  “Especially so on.” Her laughter sounded a little strained. “Actually all this inactivity is making me lazy. I’ve been thinking....” Her hesitation drew his brows into a frown. “Nick, I’m considering...well, Alex suggested that we.... I mean, that I should resume the seminar as soon as possible. Tomorrow, in fact.”

  The pause lasted just long enough for Nick to exhale a slow, cautious breath.

  “Now, listen, before you start objecting,” she continued in a rush. “Some of the employees have been asking about the seminar. Alex thinks we’ve delayed long enough, and I have to agree. Nothing will go wrong, Nick, you’ll see. Finishing the seminar now instead of later will be beneficial to the company and the employees.”

  He listened with a sense of detachment that surprised him. And when she paused again, obviously unsure of his reaction, Nick stared silently out the apartment window.

  “Nick?” she questioned, her tone soft and appealing. “What...what do you think?”

  “You know what I think, Kylie. Why bother to ask?”

  “But you don’t understand, Nick. The situation at Southwest is—”

  “I think I understand perfectly.” His voice, clipped and cool, sounded ominous even in his ears, and he knew with a fatalistic certainty that another argument was just a few words away. “The situation at Southwest is just as I left it—unsettled. You and Alex have put your heads together and come up with some nonsensical logic that will allow you to disregard my orders and do exactly as you please.”

  He heard her sharply indrawn breath, but still he made no move to stop the impending quarrel.

  “That isn’t fair, Nick. I’m trying to help. If you saw.... If you were here....”

  “You’d be doing the same thing, trying to change my mind by any means at your disposal. Maybe even a few indoor activities. Isn’t that right, Kylie?”

  “No! No, it isn’t. You know I ...”

  The sentence ended with a choked cough, and Nick waited with deadly calm for her to regain her control. If he could get his hands on her right now, he�
�d make her forget that blasted seminar.

  But he couldn’t touch her, couldn’t even see her.

  And that was just as well.

  She was using him. And when this conversation was at an end, he knew his stomach was going to twist sickeningly with the knowledge. Kylie didn’t care about him. She hadn’t called because she wanted to talk to him, because she wanted to know how he was really. Sure, she said she was trying to help, but he didn’t buy it for a minute. She wasn’t concerned with anything except the fate of her precious seminar.

  “Nick, please don’t be so negative. This is important, and I want you to understand how I feel.”

  And what about how I feel, Kylie? The thought was in his mind, but he would not voice it. He would not let her know the hurt that snaked inside him, insidiously destroying his hopes for the future.

  His grip on the phone tightened. “All right, Kylie. I understand. Is that what you want to hear? I understand that you want me to believe you’re trying to help. Go ahead with your plans. Complete your seminar. I’m sure you and Alex will make it a resounding success. After all, my cousin is notorious for his good judgment and sound advice, isn’t he? I can certainly understand why you’d want to follow his suggestions in preference to mine.”

  “Stop it,” she said defiantly. “I know you don’t mean that.”

  “Ah, but you don’t want to hear my real opinion, Kylie. You simply want the opportunity to tell me I’m wrong. The only reason you called tonight is that you were bored and needed someone to enliven your evening with an argument. And what a golden opportunity to polish up those assertiveness skills. Then, tomorrow, you can start the training session knowing that you applied every single principle in trying to reason with me.”

  “Damn it, Nick. Listen to me.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t see the point, Kylie. I’ve already heard what you have to say. You don’t have to go through it again. Have your seminar, with my blessing ... as unimportant as that seems to be. Just don’t expect me to come rushing to the rescue when the whole situation at the mill blows sky high. You’ll have to put your trust in Alex because I wash my hands of you both.”

  “Good! Alex certainly doesn’t need your kind of assistance, Nick. And as for me ... well, I intend to salvage the employee-management relationship at Southwest just to prove to you that I can. You’ll see that I don’t need anyone to rescue me from this situation or any other.”

  “No, of course you don’t. It was foolish of me to say such a ridiculous thing. I’d wish you luck, Kylie, but I’m sure you don’t need that either. After all, fate wouldn’t dare argue with you, would it?”

  The receiver buzzed angrily in his ear, and Nick slowly replaced it. Then he laid his head against the sofa back and let the weariness settle over him again.

  Kylie commanded her hand to stop trembling as finger by finger she released her death grip on the telephone.

  How could he say those things to her? How could he even think such things?

  Her heart pounded rapidly against her rib cage, but she couldn’t pinpoint the cause. Hurt and anger were so closely intermingled inside her that she couldn’t separate them. At first she thought the aching hurt would win out and engulf her, but she drew a deliberate breath and focused on her anger. No matter how she felt about him, Nick had no right to speak to her that way. He was stubborn and opinionated, and he would never, never be able to admit he was wrong. She had been incredibly naive to think there was ever a chance of winning his respect for her professionally.

  With wide-eyed innocence she had given him her heart, put her faith in happy endings, and all she had to show for it was empty arms. Nick wanted someone pliable and yielding. He didn’t want a relationship of mutual respect and responsibility. And any man who had to be in charge of every situation was no prize. Not for her, at any rate.

  There was little she could do to rescue her heart at this point, but she would have the satisfaction of proving him wrong about the seminar, proving that she had helped him whether he wanted to believe it or not. She would show him or die trying.

  The next morning Southwest Textiles employees were going to receive a stimulating lecture on positive self-motivation. No matter that the topic would be aimed at her own faltering resolve. And no matter that her enthusiasm would be largely manufactured by the very self-control theories she taught.

  All the more reason to put her best efforts into these last sessions. The seminar would be a success. An undeniable success. She wouldn’t allow her self-confidence to be shaken by Nick’s subtle take-over of her emotions.

  It was a reasonable goal to set, she decided firmly. A goal she could strive for and obtain and one that offered a full measure of satisfaction.

  And for now that would be enough, Kylie warned her willful heart.

  It would be enough.

  Chapter Ten

  Satisfaction was a relative term, Kylie decided during the busy days and weeks that followed. The completion of the seminar brought not only a measure of satisfaction but also a much-needed reinforcement of her self-confidence. Notwithstanding Nick’s belief that everything would blow sky high at the mill under her leadership, the last sessions of the seminar alleviated the tension of an explosive situation and restored calm at Southwest.

  And it was certainly satisfying on her return to San Diego to begin a management development course at a local department store. Without a doubt the quarterly production report from Southwest Textiles that now lay on her desk and the pale-blue wedding invitation that had accompanied the report were sources of sweet satisfaction.

  Alex and Stephanie had resolved their differences and discovered each other as a result of the training seminar. They had said so themselves, and surely that was reason for satisfaction. Alex had faced the problems at Southwest and had made a trip to the home office to request another chance, A request that obviously had been granted. That in itself was satisfying. Wasn’t it?

  Kylie frowned at the view from her office window. The Pacific Ocean etched the horizon with majestic white-capped waves somewhere beyond her range of vision. And likewise beautiful San Diego Bay rippled peacefully just out of sight. She couldn’t enjoy either because of the brick-and-mortar office buildings that stretched intrusively between her window and the water. And she couldn’t enjoy a well-deserved sense of accomplishment because of the intrusive dissatisfaction that filled her.

  Stubborn, she concluded dismally. If Nick wasn’t so stubborn, she would be feeling excessively pleased with herself right now. And she wouldn’t be spending so much time staring out the window at a very empty view.

  Kylie turned to look at the papers clipped neatly to the file folder marked Southwest Textiles, Inc, The production report showed an unquestionable improvement—one that even Nick, as stubborn as he was, couldn’t deny. At least she didn’t believe he would deny it if she ever saw him again, which at the moment seemed a very remote possibility.

  Kylie walked to the desk and ran a well-manicured fingertip down the columns of the report. Vindication, she thought dryly, lost its punch without a cheering section.

  There had been more than enough time for Nick to analyze the figures. He could have written a note of thanks for her part in defusing the flare-up at the mill. Or he could have written a note of apology, admitting that he’d been wrong. He could have written “Congratulations” or “It was nice knowing you” or even “Let’s agree to disagree one more time.” But it was becoming blatantly obvious that he had no intention of writing anything. He hadn’t recognized the value of her way of thinking, and he hadn’t seen the value in her. He hadn’t even said good-bye.

  She tapped an ambiguous rhythm against the desk. It wasn’t fair. Nick at least owed her the acknowledgment of a job well done. And after all that had happened, she deserved the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.” It would be a wonderful release of tension.

  Besides, it was the only excuse for seeing him that had occurred to her so far.

  Althou
gh Kylie hated to admit she needed an excuse, she couldn’t deny that she wanted to see him, needed to see him. And she was afraid that courage would never take her as far as the door of her own office, much less Nick’s.

  Before determination gave way to doubt, she made a reservation on the next flight to San Francisco. It took only two phone calls to rearrange her schedule for the rest of the day and only a little over an hour to pack an overnight case.

  When she finally sank into the aisle seat and felt the plane’s engines humming in readiness for takeoff, Kylie wondered if she had taken leave of her senses. But the jerky movement of the airplane canceled any thoughts of forgetting the whole idea. For better or worse she was going to San Francisco, and since she would be in town anyway, she might as well drop in to see Nick.

  During the flight Kylie examined that casual line from several angles and knew she was wasting her time. Nick would see through any excuse she concocted. He would know why she’d come, and perhaps that was just as well since she wasn’t quite sure what she expected to gain from seeing him again. What would she say? What could she say to him?

  She carefully prepared a dignified speech and rehearsed it on the taxi ride from the airport. It even sounded almost natural by the time she entered the office building. But when she followed a politely smiling secretary into Nick’s office, Kylie knew no amount of rehearsal would have made any difference.

  She was aware of the afternoon sunlight streaming through windows that promised a stunning view, she saw the dark wood bookshelves, noticed the modernistic furnishings, felt the rich carpeting beneath her feet. She even registered the curious stares of the two women who stood quietly beside Nick.

  But Nick was the focal point of her attention. He seemed taller, more attractive than she remembered. His hair appeared darker, longer, and his facial features showed lines of strain. The appealing cleft in his chin was noticeably absent. The curve of his lips missed being a smile as he stared at her questioningly.