Alex Jackson: Closing Out

by University of Queensland Press

  So much for the benefit of the doubt.

  Alex didn’t know whether to say nothing or everything. He decided on nothing, but it wasn’t easy. Especially when another message appeared on the toilet wall.

  Like Sister like Brother

  Sam and Alex Jigalo

  Sam also wasn’t happy with her brother. “I was just starting to make some new friends when it gets around the school that my brother uses girls for sex,” she said. “What do you think that’s going to do to my reputation?”

  “What about my reputation?” said Alex.

  “It doesn’t matter, you’re a boy. I’m telling Mum.”

  “Don’t Sam!”

  But it was no use, he knew she would. It was only a matter of time before Dr Mum booked him in for a session.

  He spent the evening doing his best to avoid her. If Sharon was outside in the garden, Alex would be inside. If she was downstairs picking up sweaty towels, he’d be upstairs. Right now she was upstairs, so he was downstairs, in the garage. Chief came in wearing boxing shorts and a singlet. Not that that meant he was going to work out, as he always wore boxing shorts and a singlet. His Dunlop KT-26 running shoes gave it away. Usually, he wore thongs.

  “Hold the bag for me, will ya, son?” Chief asked.

  Even with a dead cow to soften the blows, Alex could still feel the power in Chief’s punches. Chief had been a top amateur fighter in his day and was even going to turn pro, until Sharon came along.

  After a few minutes Chief took a break. The tattoo of crossed boxing gloves on his upper arm was already glistening from the sweat.

  “You wanna go a few rounds,” Chief asked Alex, “for old times sake?”

  Chief always said “for old times sake” before they had a sparring session. They put mouth-guards in and started circling each other with light sideskips, before Chief tagged Alex in the gut.

  “Elbows in,” he said. Chief always pulled his punches but made sure that if Alex dropped his guard he learnt his lesson. Alex could go as hard as he liked because all he ever hit was Chief’s gloves or arms. His defences were too strong.

  “You heard from Ben?” said Alex as he skipped away. He was trying to lull Chief into a false sense of security.

  “Yeah. He’s coming in a few times a week for training. ‘Just to keep fit,’ he says.”

  “That’s good.”

  Alex threw a jab that hit nothing but air. He skipped back again.

  Chief, I was hoping to ask you something ...?’’

  “What?”

  “When you gave me that ... umm ... package, did you expect me to use it?”

  Chief must have been thinking up an answer because Alex skipped in and tagged him on the cheek.

  “Good punch,” said Chief. He moved in and ripped a combination into Alex’s kidney and solar plexus.

  Ouch!

  “I’m hoping you won’t,” said Chief. “At least not for awhile.”

  “Then why’d you give ’em to me?”

  “Well ... umm, maybe I shouldn’t have. But after what happened to Ben I didn’t want my own son stuffing up his life.”

  Alex tried to land a left hook but Chief was ready. He threw a straight right that would have knocked Alex into next week, but he held up the punch so it only gave Alex’s chin a tap.

  “Let’s have a break,” said Chief.

  They couldn’t find any towels so they took off their shirts and wiped themselves down.

  “Chief,” said Alex, “how old were you when you first ... did it?”

  Chief looked away. “Too young, mate. Sex isn’t always a great thing. In fact, it can be pretty bloody terrible.”

  “Even for the guy?”

  He looked at Alex. “Even for the guy. It’s not sex that’s good or bad, it’s the people who are doing it, why they are doing it. As a kid knocking around Beeton, I found that some girls would sleep with a bloke because she thought he loved her, or she wanted him to love her. Now, most blokes didn’t think that way. We had sex because ... it felt good, or so we could brag to each other about being studs. I grew up thinking that’s how it worked, but when I met your mum, she made me realise that all that meant nothing. That sex was one thing, but making love something else. And I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t have a girl knocked up or a kid running around.”

  “Well, not that you know of,” said Alex.

  “Very funny,” said Chief, giving Alex a gentle cuff around the head. “Now, you got any more questions about sex?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Good, let’s go another round.”

  After dinner, Alex was surprised that his mum didn’t corner him for a heart-to-heart. In fact, she seemed happy not to talk to him at all. He went into his room to pretend to do homework, just in case.

  Sam came in, grinning. “Have a good talk to Chief?” she asked.

  “None of your business,” said Alex. He didn’t know how she knew they’d even talked, but he wasn’t surprised. Sam seemed to know everything.

  “Did he yell at you?”

  “No. Why should he?”

  “For using Claire Carney and ruining my reputation,” she snapped. “I told Mum and she told Chief and he was supposed to yell at you. I’m gonna go tell Mum that he didn’t.”

  She started to walk out.

  “Wait,” said Alex, grabbing her. “He yelled at me. Real loud, too.”

  She looked doubtful.

  “And it’s all your fault so I’m gonna get you,” he said.

  She tried to get away but it was too late. Alex flipped her onto the bed and pinned her shoulders with his knees. “I’m gonna give you the ...”

  “Not the typewriter!” she screamed.

  He used her stomach for a keyboard and went “ding” when he ‘‘returned’’ her chin at the end of a word.

  “D-O-N-T T-E-L-L M-U-M E-V-E-R A-G-A-I-N,” he spelt.

  She was laughing so hard she was crying. “I won’t,” she promised, to make him stop.

  They lay on the bed exhausted.

  “Is it true,” she said finally, “what they say you did to Claire?”

  “No,” Alex said. “Well, part of it is.”

  “Why’d you do it?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not always the incredibly smart and mature brother that you see in front of you.”

  “Are you ever?”

  He gave her stomach another poke, just to let her know who was boss. “What are your new friends like at school?”

  “Kinda nerdy, but nice. One girl, Amber Sheridan, is real funny. I’d still like to kill Louisa, though.”

  “It’s not worth it. Chief will yell at you.”

  For some reason they both found this hilarious, and they laughed so hard they shook. It was just like when they were kids.

  CHAPTER 25

  Saying Sorry

  “Peter, get down off the desk. Billy, tuck your shirt in and pull your pants up. I don’t want to see your bum-crack while I’m teaching. And stop laughing, Megan. Whatever it is, it’s not that funny.”

  Miss Phillips was introducing another RE lesson.

  “Today we are going to reflect on what we learnt at the retreat,” she said.

  “I heard Alex learnt a lot about biology,” said Zane Beard.

  “Interrupt one more time, Zane, and you’ll be copying out the Bible this lunchtime. All of it.” Miss Phillips didn’t stand for any nonsense.

  “I’d like to get your opinion on the talk by Vanessa. Remember, one person speaking at a time. And no yelling.”

  She was asking a lot.

  “It was good until she started bringing God into it.” Peter Callaghan had never been a big fan of God.

  “It’s a retreat,” said Nicole Casella, “of course she’s gonna bring God into it.”

  “What I don’t get is that it wasn’t even her fault,” said Megan Bell, “and yet she was sort of blaming herself for being raped. It was all that idiot, Seb Fox.”

  “It was her fau
lt,” said Billy Johnstone. “She could’ve said no. Those footy players just took advantage of a good thing.”

  Fifteen hands shot into the air, all of them girls’.

  “Guys think it’s fine to have sex but they don’t think about the consequences,” said Emma Barney. “Even when a guy in this room used a girl, all the other guys thought he was a big hero.”

  “That’s because he is,” said Jimmy. “You seen him skate?”

  The boys laughed.

  “Why can’t you take this seriously?” Sarah said to Jimmy. “Everything’s a big joke to you, isn’t it?”

  Jimmy stopped laughing.

  “Why don’t we let Claire have a say?” said Miss Phillips.

  What about my say? thought Alex.

  Claire looked at her desk. “Vanessa said she didn’t love herself. That’s how I feel. I hated guys treating me badly, but in a way, Billy’s right. I let them treat me like that.”

  She turned to Alex. “I’m angry at you because you lied to me. I thought you were different and that you liked me, but I was wrong. Looking back I can see how stupid I was to think that.”

  Claire started crying and Emma put a hand on her shoulder. Claire kept going. “If God can help me feel better then I’m gonna believe in Him ... or Her, or whatever God is. I’ve tried other things to make me happy and it didn’t work.”

  She put her head on the desk.

  “Alex?” said Miss Phillips.

  He took a deep breath. Finally. Now he just had to figure out what to say.

  “Personally, I think we have to find our own way. Maybe God can help us but I think we should live by our own, like ...”

  He couldn’t think of the word.

  “Morality,” said Sarah Sceney.

  “Yeah,” said Alex. “I want to say sorry to Claire, here in front of everyone. It’s true I didn’t treat her ... you ... very good. I saw lots of guys treat girls like that and I thought it was all right. Now I know it’s not.”

  Claire lifted her head from the desk.

  “I reckon guys and girls are heaps different,” Alex said. “Guys don’t seem to feel things as much as girls. We just do stuff and if we feel like it, we do it again. I think we know what’s right but it’s hard, especially with other blokes telling you what to do. I want to say that Claire and I never ... well, you know. But what we did I know she did out of love, and I did it out of ... lust. I didn’t think there was a difference. Now I know there is.”

  The blokes weren’t too keen on Alex after that. Adrian Dorry said half the blokes in Year 10 had got a hand job off Claire Carney, so Alex was nothing special. Billy Johnstone said he knew all the time that Alex was still a virgin, and that he was probably gay as well. Once Alex would’ve wanted to knock Billy into the next millennium for saying that, but now he just laughed at him.

  Things improved with the girls, though. Emma and the others thanked Alex for apologising to Claire, and Sarah said that she never really doubted him. ‘‘I didn’t have a 5-year crush on you for nothing,’’ Sarah said.

  Even Claire talked to him.

  “We have to work together so I guess we should try and get along,” she said.

  “Yeah. A presentation on the differences between boys and girls in relationships,” said Alex. “I think we could write a book.”

  “At least get an A,” said Claire, giving him a smile.

  “At least.”

  CHAPTER 26

  Catfight

  “Hurry up!” yelled Adrian Dorry to the guys. “Catfight!”

  A circle of kids surrounded two students. Usually it was boys in the middle — an argument over who got out in handball escalating to a shoving match to swinging haymakers to wrestling in the dirt ending in the year coordinator’s office. But this time it was different. It was girls.

  “It’s Jackson’s sister!” said Peter Callaghan. “Cool!”

  “Who’s the other girl?” said Jimmy. “It must be about boys. That’s all girls fight about.”

  Alex recognised the other girl. It was Sam’s ex-friend, Louisa DeBono.

  “Just leave,” said Louisa in a loud voice. “You’re making a fool out of yourself. No one in this school even likes you.”

  “I’m sick of walking into the toilet and seeing lies about me on the wall,” said Sam, just as loudly. “I want you and your friends to stop it.”

  “I can’t stop people writing. It’s a free country, they can do what they want. Besides, it’s all true.”

  “Ooohhh!” went the crowd.

  “It’s not, Louisa, and you know it! I can’t help it if a boy likes me instead of you. Why can’t you just get over it?”

  “You get over it. Take a look around. I’ve got lots of friends. You’ve got none.”

  A small voice piped up from the crowd. “I’m her friend. Sam’s nice and you’re mean.”

  It must be that Amber girl, Alex thought. Gutsy.

  “Stop talking and hit each other,” yelled Peter Callaghan.

  It looked like they were going to take his advice when a bigger girl stepped between them. It was Claire Carney.

  “I’ve seen what she’s talking about,” Claire said to Louisa. “It’s disgusting and it’s gonna stop. The writing, the rumours, all of it. If it doesn’t, you’ll be answering to me.”

  Louisa sized up the situation. Verbal confrontations weren’t really her style. She was more into behind the scenes manipulation. Nevertheless, she didn’t like to back down. Not even to a Year 10-er. “As if you can talk,” she said to Claire. “You’ve been with half the guys in the school.”

  “Ooohhh,” went the crowd.

  “That was below the belt,” said Peter Callaghan. “I love it!”

  Claire gave Louisa a death stare. “So what? When people call me a slut it still hurts, especially when it’s another girl, coz she knows what an insult it is. But when you make up lies about someone you’re the lowest type of parasite there is. And that’s what you are, the bottom feeder of this school.”

  “Yeah!” cried someone in the crowd.

  “Go Carney! Go Carney!” yelled Peter Callaghan.

  “Get over it, Louisa,” a boy said.

  Louisa looked to see who told her to “get over it”. She planned to have one of her many potential suitors beat him up. When she saw it was her true lust, Brent Brown, it was the last straw.

  “I’m telling Mr Letcher I’m being bullied!” she cried and stormed off to the Year 8 coordinator’s office. “I’ve got witnesses!”

  She waited for her pack of friends to dutifully follow her. Only two did.

  Alex smiled. He’d had his share of dealings with Letch over the years, and if Louisa thought she could pull the wool over his eyes, she might as well buy him a New Zealand jumper. It was her only chance.

  CHAPTER 27

  Opportunity Rings

  Alex picked up the phone. He put it down. She probably wont even be home, he thought. He picked it up again and rang the first three numbers, 328, then hung up. He decided to check out what was on the tube.

  He knew he had to talk to Becky sometime. It had been a month since the night at her place and it wasn’t right for things to end that way. There was too much history between them to let that happen. He wished their relationship could go back to how it was — holding hands, mucking around, simple. But life never went back.

  Come on you wimp. Do it!

  There would never be a better opportunity. It was Saturday and Alex was home alone. Sam was at her new friend Amber’s place, and Chief and Sharon were shopping. Alex would have gone with them but he said he had to prepare his RE presentation. He also had to call Becky, though he didn’t tell them that.

  The phone taunted him. You wanna pick me up? I’ll turn your tongue into a plank of wood.

  Alex walked over and stared it down. “You will not defeat me,” he told the phone. He picked it up and there was ringing.

  Not from the phone, but the doorbell.

  “I’ll be back,”
Alex said to his nemesis.

  In the end the phone won by default. Becky was at the door.

  “What the ...” said Alex. “I was just about to call you!”

  “That’s what they all say.”

  She was wearing a tennis dress with a racket bag slung over her shoulder. She was smiling, but Alex could sense that something wasn’t quite right.

  “How’d you get here?” he asked.

  “Train.”

  He knew something wasn’t right. Alf rarely let Becky catch the train on her own, especially not to Beeton.

  “Can I come in?” she said.

  He felt like punching himself. “Of course.”

  They drank cold water and talked small. Alex spoke about coming second in the skate comp, and Becky told him how strict it was at St Lucy’s. A girl was sent home because her dress was above the knee.

  “How’s tennis?” Alex asked her.

  She started to fidget. “I made the first team,” she said. “We had our first match today.”

  “That’s great. How’d it go?”

  “I was nervous and didn’t play my best. I lost the first set but improved in the second. It was close but I got a bad call from the umpire and ended up losing.”

  “That sucks.”

  All of a sudden tears welled up and she turned away.

  Alex wasn’t sure what to do. “Don’t worry. It’s only a tennis match.”

  “It’s not because I lost.” Her voice was cracking. “After the match my dad started yelling at the umpire, calling him a cheat. I was so embarrassed.”

  “Oh.”

  “And then when we were walking to the car he said that I didn’t try hard enough and that I should have never lost to such a bad player.”

  “Oh.”

  “I was so angry I wanted to punch him. I said I didn’t want him to coach or watch me anymore. He went crazy, saying I didn’t appreciate anything he’d done for me and that if I didn’t listen I’d be a loser all my life. I said he was the biggest loser and ran away as fast as I could.”

  She buried her head into his shoulder and Alex held her for a long time. He patted her back and she stopped crying. She began to stroke his chest and stomach with her fingertips. Alex wasn’t sure what was going on. She looked up at him with those big brown eyes and he knew.