SERVES 3-4
30g butter
a dash of olive oil
1 medium onion, sliced
375g smoked haddock fillets
(skins removed) 300m/ fish stock
300ml dry cider 2—3 sprigs of tarragon, chopped 2—3 sprigs of chervil, chopped 1 tablespoon wholegram mustard salt and pepper
MELT THE BUTTER in a large pan with the olive oil, add the onion and saute for around 5 minutes until softened, taking care not to burn it. Add the fish and cook for a couple of minutes on each side, then pour in the cider and enough of the stock to cover the fish. Add the remaining ingredients and stir gently. Bring to the boil, cover the pan and leave to simmer for a further 5 minutes. When the fillets start to break up, season to taste. No creosote need be used.
Genuine Howondaland Curry
(Taken from the writings of Ponce da Quirm)
Ponce da Quirm spent his whole life exploring foreign parts, I heard, and maybe it was because people laughed at his name.* Apparently he was looking for the Fountain of Youth and the odd thing about this sort of business is that it's never, ever close to. You'd think, on average, that some of these lost fountains of youth, trees of life and cities of gold would be really close, but they never are. And you never get people from a long way off coming to our part of the world lookin' for, as it might be, the Cottage of Doom or the Lost Chicken Shed.
Ponce brought back fourteen different kinds of plant and seven inter-estin' sorts of animal to this part of the world, but he insisted very firmly that none of them were named after him. That's how everyone remembers him.
This curry was one he made up durin' a period when he was shipwrecked on an island that had nothing but great big fat chickeny-birds that couldn't even fly. He did leave one, though, so's not to upset the balance of nature. Sometimes I reckon it would be better if there was a Fountain of Growing Up.
SERVE S 4
4 chicken breasts, skinned and
cut into cubes small pot natural yoghurt 1cm piece of ginger root, grated 6—8 garlic cloves, crushed 2 tablespoons olive oil
1 large onion, chopped 4 fresh green chilli peppers, seeded and finely chopped I2 tablespoon ground cumin I2 tablespoon ground coriander 1 teaspoon turmeric
* See Eric.
1 400ml tin of coconut milk
water
salt to taste
fresh coriander leaves, chopped
Note: You could use a tin of tomatoes instead of the coconut milk, or liquidized cashew nuts.
MIX THE CHICKEN cubes in a bowl with the yoghurt, half the grated ginger and half the crushed garlic. Leave for at least half an hour, or, better, overnight.
Heat the oil in a large pan, and cook the chopped onion for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until it is a definite brown. Some bits might be even dark brown - this changes the taste and makes the curry sweeter.
Stir in half the chillies, the remaining ginger and garlic, and the powdered spices. You should have a paste. Tip in the coconut milk and cook for about 8-10 minutes, or until the mixture starts to get really dry and the oil starts to come out (this shouldn't happen unless the heat is too high).
When it all looks thoroughly cooked and a nice thick sauce consistency, add the chicken and yoghurt mix, and a splash of water (about half a mug) and some salt. You could add a bit of lemon juice and a pinch of sugar if you want. Turn the heat down if it's higher than mediumish, and let it simmer away slowly for 15-30 minutes.
Just before the end (5 minutes) add chopped green chillies to taste. You can put chopped fresh coriander leaves on the top, if you like, for that authentic Howondaland restaurant look.
Eat with nan. In fact, invite all your relatives.
Carrot and Oyster Pie
Carrots so's you can see in the dark and oysters so's you've got something to look at, as I always say. I used to make this for the first Mr Ogg, and he never complained. Mind you, he never complained about anything very much.
Oysters are said to make you frisky. However, take a look at an oyster in a tank. Go back and look at it again a few hours later. Do you notice any changes? No. That's how full of beans oysters are. I'm told that the process of makin' oysters happens a long way from the oyster, and I can't see that catching on with humans.
Note: You could use fresh oysters (about 12) but, well, tinned are so much easier, and are available whenever there's a vowel in the month.
SERVES 2
300ml fish stock 30g Stilton cheese 25 Og puff pastry
85g tinned smoked oysters in oil 125g grated carrot 1 teaspoon chopped chervil 1 teaspoon chopped dill 155ml Chablis (or other dry white wine)
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 2OO°C/Gas 6. Mix the oysters and the carrot with the herbs in a small pie dish. Pour in the wine and enough of the stock to cover the ingredients. Crumble the Stilton over the mixture.
Roll out the pastry to about 1cm thickness and carefully cover the dish with it. Trim any excess pastry, make a small hole in the top to let the steam escape and bake in the top part of the oven for 25-30 minutes or until the pastry is well risen and golden brown.
Mrs Whitlow's Artery-Hardening Hogswatcb Pie
This is the pie favoured by Mrs Whitlow, housekeeper at Unseen University, as a handy snack for wizards around the dark time of year. It may seem difficult to feed a lot of hungry wizards, but experience has taught her, she says, to put something large in front of them. It often doesn't matter much what it is.
However, it is a matter of pride to her that it should be something worthwhile. It is sometimes as long as two hours between meals at UU, and a senior wizard will definitely feel rather peckish. This is a good filler.
SERVE S 8
FOR THE PASTRY
45 Og plain flour 1 teaspoon salt lOOg lard
150ml water
4 tablespoons milk
FOR THE FILLING
225g lean pork, minced 225g cooked ham, finely chopped 1 small onion, finely chopped I2 teaspoon ground allspice I2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1 teaspoon dried rubbed sage
35 Og cooked pork cocktail sausages beaten ew, to daze
aV o
2 teaspoons powdered gelatine 150ml hot ham stock
150ml port
salt and pepper
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 2OO°C/Gas 6. Grease a raised pie mould, 18-20cm round, or a 1kg loaf tin. To make the pastry, sift the flour and salt into a mixing bowl. Put the lard, water and milk in a saucepan, stir over a medium heat until the lard is melted and then bring to the boil. Pour on to the
flour and work into a pliable dough. Knead lightly. Roll out three-quarters of the pastry and use to line the greased pie mould or tin.
To make the filling, combine the pork, ham, onion, spices and sage in a bowl and season well with salt and pepper. Put half of this mixture in the base of the pie, cover with the whole cocktail sausages and then with the remaining minced pork mixture.
Roll out the remaining pastry for a lid (saving a little for decoration), and cut a small hole in the top. Dampen the pie's pastry edges, cover with the lid and press well together. Roll out the last bits of pastry and make sausage or pig shapes; arrange these on the top, finally brushing the whole with beaten egg. Bake in the oven for 30 minutes. Reduce the temperature and bake for a further 1 A -1 12 hours, covering the pie with greaseproof paper when it is sufficiently browned.
Dissolve the gelatine in the stock, season well and add the port. As the pie cools, pour the stock into the pie through a funnel inserted in the hole, tilting the pie to ensure that the stock is evenly distributed inside the pie.
Cool, then chill overnight until firm, before removing from the tin. Serve cut into slices. .
Brodequin Ron Faqon Ombres
A bit of an odd one, this. It's foreign for 'Man's boots in mud'. They say that a posh restaurant in Ankh-Morpork ended up one day with nothing in its larder but mud and old boots and a restaurant full of people.* Now, some people might call this a tragedy, or at least a bit of a problem, but since the art of
cuisine is to make something out of nothing and charge a lot of money for doing it, the chefs got cracking and produced such a range of delicacies that now old boots fetch quite a high price in the city and rare, sun-dried muds are imported from foreign parts.
This recipe has been adjusted to give the look but, I hope, not the taste.
SERVE S 3-4
350f topside of beef thinly sliced 3—4 tablejpoons dark soy sauce 500f mushrooms, very finely chopped 300ml dark ale or stout
2 cloves garlic, crushed 2—3 teaspoons chopped dill 470ml beef stock salt and pepper
MARINATE THE BEEF in the soy sauce for 2-3 hours. Preheat the oven to 19O°C/Gas 5-6. Put the beef in a casserole dish with the mushrooms and add the ale. Add the garlic and dill and enough stock to cover. Season to taste. Cover and cook in the oven for 1 12 hours. Remove the lid and cook for a further 20-30 minutes to allow the 'mud' to reduce a little.
1Vote: The classic accompaniment, according to the Ankh-Morpork beggar, man about town and street gastrognome Arnold Sideways, is a rusty tin half filled with paint thinner. I would suggest something else. Practically anything else, really. T
* See Hoffatber.
Sergeant Angua s Vegetable Stew
with Dumplings
It's obviously very difficult for a werewolf livin' in a big city where you can't get what you're used to at home, such as people. In fact Sergeant Angua of the City Watch assures me she's never ate very much of anyone, and none of us can help the way we was brought up in any case. Of course, it's even harder if you're a vegetarian werewolf, because while that's okay by the human side there's no way you are going to persuade the wolf side to hunt down lentils. Cleaning your teeth in the morning can't be much fun when you've turned back into a human again, either. A vegetarian werewolf is always looking for something different, and this is worth stay in' human for:
SERVES 4
1 tablespoon olive oil 450g leeks, sliced
1 green pepper, seeded and chopped
2 carrots, diced
3 cloves garlic, chopped 300g mushrooms, sliced
300ml vegetable stock
1 400g can chopped tomatoes
1 tablespoon paprika
1 400g can mixed beans
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper
FOR THE DUMP I-11ST OS
125g self-raising flour /; tablespoon mixed herbs 50g vegetable suet
4—5 tablespoons water salt and pepper
HEAT THE OIL in a large frying pan and cook the leeks, green pepper, carrot and garlic for a few minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook for another few minutes. Add the vegetable
stock, the tomatoes and the paprika. Bring to the boil and then simmer for 15-20 minutes.
Meanwhile, make the dumplings: mix together all the ingredients and then divide the mixture into a dozen pieces, shaping each into a ball.
Add the beans and the balsamic vinegar to the stew, and season. Place the dumplings on the surface, cover and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Good at any phase of the moon.
Mrs Gogol's Clairvoyant Gumbo
Gumbo is one of those dishes, like stew, where it's ridiculous to have a recipe. You just make it. And you can prob'ly make gumbo of a sort by simply dredging a swamp and boilin' up everything that tries to climb out of the net. But it won't be anything like Mrs Gogol's gumbo. Mrs Gogol* is a witch over in the swamps around Genua, where the magic's more into stickin' pins in people and turnin' people into zombies, and there's prob'ly some magic in the cookery, too.
Mrs Gogol says she can see the future in her gumbo. You need the knack. But the future you'll see in this one contains a good dinner at least.
SERVES 6
3 tablespoons olive oil 3 heaped tablespoons flour
(for the roux) 2 large (or 3 small) celery stalks,
trimmed and finely chopped I small green pepper, seeded
and chopped
* See Wttcbes Abroad.
1 small red onion, chopped 2—3 heaped tablespoons Genuan
spice mix (see page 53) 470ml fish stock (or chicken, or veg) 400g tin chopped tomatoes 10—12 pieces okra, chopped
1 tablespoon dried basil
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dned parsley
salt
8—10 drops hot pepper sauce
I2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
100ml bourbon (or whisky mil do) meat from 1 large prepared crab
(or 4 small whole ones) 600g ready-peeled prawns (or 65 Og
in shells)
HEAT THE OIL in a saucepan and stir in the flour. Cook for about 5 minutes (medium heat), stirring, until it turns golden brown. Add the celery, pepper and onion and fry until softened. Add the Genuan spice mix and stir for another minute. Pour in the stock, stir well to ensure there are no lumps and then add the remaining ingredients except the crab and prawns. Leave to simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20 minutes. Add the crab meat and prawns, turn the heat up and bring to boiling point, then turn back down to medium and cook for a further 8-10 minutes (10-15 minutes if using crabs/prawns in shells). Serve with rice.
Note: The Genuan spice mix and hot pepper sauce will make a hot gumbo. Use less if you're not used to spicy food.
C.M.O. T Dibbler} Sausage Inna Bun
No visit to Ankh-Morpork is complete without a taste of one of Mr Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler's famous pies or sausages-in-a-bun. Then it is sometimes completed very, very quickly. The amazin' thing is, though, that people will go back and try them again. I suppose it's because they want to check that their memory isn't playin' tricks on them. Mr Dibbler has kindly contributed this recipe.
MAKES ABOUT 3O SAUSAGES
1.4kg top-quality pork, minced*
450g breadcrumbs
1 teaspoon black pepper
3 tablespoons chopped fresh sage
I2 teaspoon ground nutmeg water
sausage skins buns of your choice
MIX ALL THE sausage ingredients in a bowl. Add enough water to achieve a nice, squidgy texture and fill the sausage skins with the result. Twist into links.
Grill or fry and serve hot in freshly baked buns.
*1V0te from Mr Dibbler: I always use good-quality pork, with about two-thirds lean meat to one-third fat. I insist that any skin, gristle or other dubious parts of the beast are excluded from the mixture, f
fThis is what he says, and I for one believe it. It is not good etiquette to look at one of his
sausages and say'woof woof!'or'neighhh!'
Nanny Oggs Special Nibbles
with Special Party Dip, Made Specially
They don't have parties like they had when I was young . . . you know, with jelly and ice cream and you were sick with excitement before you got home.
I've been told I shouldn't put too many suggestive recipes in this book, although to my mind things are only suggestive if you're open to suggestions (for example, my friend Esmerelda Weatherwax thought the maypole was just a nice country custom until someone explained symbolism to her, and I just don't want to be there if anyone tells her about broomsticks). Anyway, tomatoes is considered aphrodisiacal, and my grandson Shane who is a sailor and has seen a thing or two says so is a bananana. Surprisin'ly enough, it gives a nice flavour to the dip.
FOR THE DIP
1 small onion
1 firm, just-ripe bananana
1 small cucumber (or half a
large one) 1 400g can love apples
(chopped tomatoes)
1 tablespoon chopped fresh coriander
2 teaspoons chopped fresh chilli or chilli powder
3 cloves garhc, crushed • salt and lemon juice, to taste
FOR THE NIBBLES
3 pitta breads
1 tablespoon Genuan spice mix (see opposite)
olive otl
TO MAKE THE dip: finely chop the onion, bananana and cucumber and mix with the remaining ingredients. Chill for at least an hour.
To make the nibbles: preheat the oven to 1
80°C/Gas 4. Mix the spice mix with enough oil to make a runny paste. Slit the pitta breads in half lengthways to form two thin pieces and cut (scissors are best) into a variety of interesting and appealing shapes. Place on a baking tray (do not overlap them) and brush lightly with the oil/spice mix. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden brown and crispy.
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