Genuan Spice Mix
1 tablespoon hot paprika 1 tablespoon onion powder 1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon chilli powder
I2 tablespoon salt
2 teaspoons dried mixed herbs
Mix all the ingredients together and store in an airtight container. The adventurous can also try this mix on banged grains.
Leonard of Qutrm s Recipe for a Cheese Sandwich
(Contributed by that remarkable if somewhat absent-minded genius)
Decide that shape of common loaf is not suitable for the purpose. Design new baking tin. Devise a new method of soldering tin. Design more efficient oven.
Doodle in margins a war engine for overcoming all obstacles and firing gouts of unquenchable fire on to enemy soldiers.
Design a new type of harrow. Convert war engine into a device for hauling ploughs and other agricultural implements over any kind of terrain no matter how rough. Since its traction is its key feature, decide to call it a Machine for Pulling Heavy Loads.
Convert old design for an improved fighting machine into a better flail. In the margin draw a small picture of a hand.
Design breadknife. Design machine for making breadknives. Design an improved wheel bearing, using small balls of, e.g., steel. Design shot tower for making steel balls of any size. Devise a small hand-cranked machine by which bread of any size and thickness can be smoothly buttered to any depth.
Consider designs of milk churns, and improve them. Hear that temperature regulation in dairies is vitally important in the manufacture of good cheese; design a device for regulating temperature by means of expanding metal strips, coupled to pulleys. Call it the Device for Regulating Temperature by Means of Metal Strips (Coupled to Pulleys).
Design instrument for waging war over a great distance by focusing the rays of the sun, and then adapt this to the oven design. Adapt inexplicably non-working machine for flying and turn into a novel device for churning butter by means of a wind-
mill. With a small adapter this can, in times of war, easily become a device for hurling balls of burning butter for up to half a mile. Design a device by which the moon can be reached, powered by
eggs.
Send out for pizza.
Clooty Dumplings
I've always been famous for my dumplings. Ask anyone. But the days of the giant, family-sized dumpling boiled up in a 'clooty' or 'motheaten old vest' seem to have passed. People just don't seem to have time to spend in sitting very still to digest their food any more, they want to be up and walking around within a few hours of lunch. So these belong to a different age, and recreating them is like bringing a dinosaur back to life. But they're much better than you might think; making a good dumpling is a mark of a skilled cook. You'll find that out if ever you have to eat one made by a bad cook.
These have been adjusted a little to take account of the modern taste for finicky food. Serve with Slumpie (page 37).
MAKES 4 LARGE ONES
lOOg wholemeal flour
50g chopped suet
1 heaped teaspoon wholegrain mustard
salt and pepper
3—4 tablespoons water
large pan of stock (vegetable, beef,
chicken — whatever suits
your guests)
MIX THE FLOUR and suet, making sure there are no lumps. Add the mustard and a little salt and pepper and mix well. Add just enough water to make a stiff paste. Break into four equal pieces and roll into balls.
Bring the stock to the boil. Carefully drop in the dumplings and simmer for 10-15 minutes. They should slide off a knife pushed through their centres when done. If the knife bends, you have done something wrong.
Clammen Beefyrmte Spread
My grandson Shane came across Clammers Beefymite Spread in a shop in Ankh-Morpork and got a bit partial to it. I wrote to that Mr Clammer, y'know, as one cook to another, offering to swap the recipe for my special version of Strawberry Wobbler for his beefymite, but he wasn't having none of it. So I've had to produce my own, which Shane likes just as much and it's a) a lot cheaper than havin' it shipped all the way from Ankh-Morpork, b) nothing like the real thing, c) completely different and d) tasty.
340g corned beef
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
3 tablespoons mushroom ketchup
/j—/2 level teaspoon cayenne pepper /—5 drops gravy browning (optional)
MIX THE INGREDIENTS to a smooth paste in a blender - or use a potato masher or fork. Transfer to clean jamjars or other scalable containers. Best eaten within 3-4 days. Store in the fridge.
Wow- Wow Sauce
A note from the editors: We offer no apologies for including this; it has proved very popular.
The recipe for Wow-Wow Sauce is a hereditary possession of the Ridcully family. Archchancellor Ridcully, like most wizards, is a man who goes for sauces; if you are the kind of person who takes a beefy patty between two halves of a bun and then covers it with cheese, and a pickle, and some green relish, and some red relish, and a different sort of pickle, and then some dark mustard, not forgetting of course some light mustard, and then some bits of green and other things until the meat slides out unnoticed and falls onto the floor, then you are of a magical inclination. A wizard will lick the top of a sauce bottle if he thinks no one is watching. This is of course not genuine Wow-Wow Sauce, which can be made only under carefully controlled conditions and is at its best when on the point of explosively disintegrating. Even shaking the bottle is inviting catastrophe, and only a fool would risk smoking an after-dinner cigar if Wow-Wow Sauce had been on the table. When a bottle of five-year-old sauce was found in the pantry at UU, the entire wing was evacuated for two days until it could be disposed of in a controlled dinner.
butter, a lump about the size of
an egg
1 tablespoon plain flour 300ml beef stock 1 teaspoon English mustard 1 dessertspoon white wine vinegar
1 tablespoon port
1 tablespoon mushroom concentrate'
salt and black pepper
1 heaped tablespoon freeze-dried
parsley 4 pickled walnuts, chopped
*You will need to make the mushroom concentrate the day before (see recipe on page 60). If you don't have time, Worcestershire sauce can be used as a substitute for the concentrate and port, but some of the delicacy of the flavour might be lost.
MELT THE BUTTER in a saucepan. Stir in the flour and work in the beef stock. Stir continuously on a moderate heat until you have a smooth, thick sauce. Add the mustard, the wine vinegar, the port and the mushroom concentrate, season with salt and pepper, and continue to cook the mixture for about 10 minutes. Stir in the parsley and the walnuts, warm through and serve.
This sauce, when added to roast beef, will make the steer glad it went to all that trouble.
Mushroom Concentrate
6 large button mushrooms salt
Put the mushrooms in a bowl and sprinkle with salt. Set aside for about 3 hours and then mash them. Cover the bowl and leave overnight. Next day, drain off the liquid into a saucepan (energetically straining the mushroom pulp through a sieve will extract more of the liquid). Boil, stirring all the while, until the volume is reduced by about half. This should produce about a tablespoon of the concentrate for your sauce.
Knuckle Sandwich
It's amazin' what people will eat. No one who was hungry would want to eat a plate of winkles - you could die before you worked out how to twiddle the pin properly. And when you think of all the good bits there are to eat on a pig, the feet wouldn't probably be in the first ten. But when Ankh-Morpork people are far from home, there are things - like falling into an open sewer, or being eaten by cockroaches - that make them think of home. A proper knuckle sandwich is one of them, too. It's poor man's food, 'cos the rich man has eaten the rest of the pig. And the motto is: always wangle a dinner invitation from the rich man.
MAKES 2 SANDWICHES
2pig's trotters 1 bouquet garni 1 tablespoon mustard se
eds butter or olive oil (or garlic butter/garlic olive oil)
pain rustique * or other crusty rolls fresh cress or thinly sliced cucumber
PLACE THE TROTTERS in a pan with the bouquet garni and the mustard seeds. Cover with water and bring to the boil. Simmer until the meat is tender (35-45 minutes, depending on size). Remove from the pan and shake off any excess water. To make the sandwiches, remove the meat from the bone, brush lightly with the butter or oil and grill until golden brown and crispy. Arrange neatly in a split pain rustique with a little fresh cress or wafer-thin sliced cucumber.
*Er . ... just bread. It means 'painfully rustic', or stone-ground flour with the rocks left in.
Seldom Bucket's Favourite Snack
Mr Seldom Bucket, one of Ankh-Morpork's leading businessmen and a power to be reckoned with in the dairy products industry,* reckons that there is nothing that cannot be improved by a bit of cheese, and he made sure that his wife, who I can't help feelin' a bit sorry for, sent me a big pile of fun-with-cheese recipes. I have to agree that cheese trifle and cheese toffee are very novel indeed, but I reckon we'd all be happy with cheese on toast. It's one of those dishes you can't beat, when it comes to things made out of cheese and toast.
SERVE S 2
4 slices wholemeal bread
2 slices boiled bam (or 2 large
sausages, cooked and sliced in
half lengthways)
2 slices farmhouse Cheddar cheese butter for spreading and frying wholegrain mustard (optional)
THE SAUCE
2 eggs, beaten
40? Emmental cheese, prated
O ' O
knob of butter softened salt and pepper
MAKE TWO SANDWICHES using the bread, ham and cheese, and mustard if you want it. Heat a little butter in a frying pan and fry the sandwiches, turning until both sides are crisp and golden brown. Put the sandwiches on separate plates.
For the sauce, beat together in a pan the eggs, grated cheese, softened butter, and salt and pepper. Heat gently, whisking continuously (to stop the eggs curdling). Once the mixture is warmed through and runny, pour it in even quantities over the sandwiches. Serve immediately.
* See Maskemde for more on this self-made man who is proud of his handiwork.
Nobby s Mum s Distressed Pudding
I takes off my hat to Mrs Maisie Nobbs of Old Cobblers, Ankh-Morpork, who is the mother of the famous or at any rate notorious Cpl Nobby Nobbs of the City Watch. It's a lot harder to be a good cook in a big industrial city, because in the country there's usually more stuff available - as we say, you can bake it, fry it or boil it, but for choice you poach it. In the city, what you eat is mainly sugar, starch or stale. Mrs Nobbs is a mistress of all those dishes that make you think of fog and coal smoke -like Wet Nellies, Tuppenny Uprights, Treacle Billy, Jammy Devils and Distressed Pudding. They fill you up and keep the cold out. That's what they're made for. You've got to be posh to worry about healthy eatin'.
4 slices white bread, crusts cut off 20 stewed prunes, stoned 1 tablespoon black treacle mixed 425g rice pudding with 2 tablespoons golden syrup
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 180°C/Gas 4. Grease a deep pie dish (roughly 20crn x 12crn). Place two slices of bread in the bottom of the dish and drizzle over a little of the treacle/syrup mix. Spoon over half the rice pudding and top with half the prunes. Repeat the process with the remaining bread, rice pudding and prunes, and top with another drizzle of treacle/syrup. Bake in the top of the oven for 30 minutes or until golden brown. Once tasted, fondly remembered.
Strawberry Wobbler
How can I put this? It's pink and it wobbles. A lot of laughs at parties. You could try serving it in a bowl, but everyone will know you're not doin' it right.
MAKES 4-6 WOBBLERS
(depending on the size of your flutes)
2—3 sachets gelatine (or veggie
equivalent) 300ml boiling water 250g strawberries 150ml extra-thick double cream
2 tablespoons caster sugar
(or to taste)
strawberry ice cream, for serving 4 large champagne flutes
Editor's Note: This dish is much easier with a blender! And we've settled for the champagne flutes because the containers apparently preferred by Mrs Ogg are ... well, unavailable. Well, you don't see them in the shops. Well, not the shops on the High Street, certainly . . . Not our High Street, anyway.
DISSOLVE THE GELATINE in the water following the instructions on the packet and leave to cool for 10-15 minutes.
Meanwhile, rinse and 'top' the strawberries, chop in half and place in a large bowl/blender. Add most of the cream - keep a little aside for decoration - and the sugar. If using a blender, whizz it all up to a milkshake consistency. Otherwise, use a potato masher and mash until smooth.
When the gelatine has cooled, mix thoroughly with the strawberry mixture and pour into the champagne flutes. Chill for two hours (or until set).
Gently ease the wobblers out of the glasses (using a palette knife or similar) onto a plate, and serve upended with a couple of scoops of ice cream, placed according to preference, and a drizzle of cream.
Bloody Stupid Johnson} Individual Fruit Pie
(Quoted from The Edible Architecture of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, by
Startup Nodder, FAMG, AitD, Ankh-Morpork Guild of Architects
Press, $10 plus 3 site visits at $20 an hour)
People now recall Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, or 'Bloody Stupid Johnson' as he was known far and wide, as merely an architect and landscape designer with an unfortunate blind spot in matters of size and a general lack of grasp of the basic principles of, not to put too fine a point on it, anything at all. In his way, and a very strange and confused way it was, he was a genius. Only someone with a very special cast of mind would have specified quicksand as a building material (the Collapsed Tower of Quirm) 'because it's got to be done in a hurry' or accidentally built an entire house upside down (No. 1 Scoone Avenue, Ankh-Morpork - the cellars, the only part above ground, are still in use).
In the words of Sir Joshua Ramkin: 'Having anything designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson is like a box of chocolates - you always get that horrible strawberry one which someone else has already sucked and put back in.'
Never were his peculiar talents more apparent than in his occasional essays in cookery. Few survivors now recall these, but in most cases the wreckage is there for everyone to see. For example, the top tier of a wedding cake designed for a friend was until fairly recently used as a bandstand in the Apothecary Gardens, and was a monument not only to Johnson's mercurial attitude to dimensions but also to his unique skill in achieving with icing sugar a hardness not often found in cement.
Unfortunately, nothing now remains of the Great Fruit Pie except some etchings made at the time, a rough copy of the original recipe and a few scars on buildings quite a long way from the site. Records tell of
the teams of oxen needed to drag the enormous dish into position, the bargeloads of apples brought down the River Ankh for the filling, the catastrophe of the sinking of the Queen of Quirm with her full load of sugar. There are rather more accounts of the explosion that occurred on the second Friday of the cooking process, which caused red-hot short-crust pastry to scythe across a large part of Ankh-Morpork and accounted for the occasional shower of sultanas and deep-frozen baked apple for some days afterwards.
Many of the more experienced workers were altogether too close when it blew, but the recipe is believed to have been as follows:
SERVES: YOU RIGHT
30,000 lb plain flour 30,000 teaspoons salt 15,000 Ib butter I margarine cold water
30 tons cooking apples,
peeled and sliced 1,000 Ib sultanas 10,000 Ib sugar 1 clove
MAKE THE PASTRY by sifting the flour and salt into a container, then rub in the butter or margarine until the mixture forms 'breadcrumbs'. Then add enough cold water to make it all into a stiff dough. Roll* out the pastry on a floured surfacef and use half to line the cooking container:}:.
Peel, core and slice the apples§ and combine with the sultanas. Place half in the container. Add the sugar and the clove. Add the
*Some well-washed garden rollers were used here, after the specially designed self-propelled rolling pin demolished several houses. fEdgeway Street was scrubbed and floured.
:j:A disk was cast for this purpose, which now forms the roof of a house in Mollymog Street. §Mr Johnson had designed a machine for doing this, but after it stapled one of the foremen to a wall the job was subsequently done by three shifts of men working around the clock.
Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm Page 4