Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm

by Nanny Ogg's Cookbook [lit]

  Artichokes:— The ideal slimming food, as the effort of fiddling with and eating them uses up far more calories than they contain. You tear off each leaf individually, dip the fleshy end in the sauce and then scrape the soft part off with your teeth. Place the uneaten portion tidily on the side of your plate, although it is permissible to flick it into the lampshade. Artichokes were invented because rich people didn't have enough to do with their time.

  Asparagus:— Only ever eat these with your left hand, and never use a knife and fork, otherwise bluebirds will fly out of your nose. You dip the tip into the sauce, and then flip the end into your

  mouth using the asparagus flipper. Eat only the soft part - it is very vulgar to polish off every bit, however hungry you are. Since asparagus does some odd things to the digestion I'm amazed it's posh to eat, but it's probably because it's hard to grow.

  Bread:— Again, use your left hand. Never bite pieces off your bread. Instead tear off little bite-sized pieces and pop them in individually, buttering them first, on a side plate, if preferred. If a fool or jester is employed, it is in order to throw rolls at him underarm.

  Butter:— This will be displayed in pats on a separate dish. Take one pat and put it on your bread plate. Don't spread straight from the butter plate, because it will poison you.

  Caviar:— The nobby way to eat caviar is from the little pad on the outside of your left hand, between your forefinger and thumb. However, since people also take snuff in a very similar way it is important not to get confused. It is not the noseful of fish eggs that is the problem, it is trying to pretend that you meant it.

  The much less etiquette way is to eat the caviar with accompaniments like chopped egg, onion and lemon juice.

  But the real way to eat caviar is with a ladle and a glass of the sort of drink that turns into vapour an inch from your lips.

  Cheese:— It is usual, when helping yourself from the cheeseboard, to endeavour to leave the cheese in a tidy and usable state for the next person. No one likes an untidy cheese. Use the cheese knife.

  Corn on the cob:—In posh houses you'll be given two forks to skewer either end of the cob. Others will expect you to hold it with your fingers. However you eat it you will get bits of corn stuck in your teeth, which will provide oral exercise and a snack for later in the evening. If you need to remove your false teeth

  during this meal, do it politely behind a napkin. Do not do the 'gottle o' gear' routine, because no one ever laughs.

  Fish:— It is now acceptable to eat fish with a knife and fork (instead of two forks, as used to be the accepted method; the use of the fish rammer has quite died out). Fillet as you go and never turn the fish over. If you do find yourself with a fishbone in your mouth, this should be spat into your left hand and placed on the side of your plate. Never use your fingers. If you are choking to death, nod respectfully to your host as you lose consciousness.

  The cherry problem:— People say to me, 'Mrs Ogg, how do you eat cherries and prunes and other things with stones when you're in posh company?' And I shall tell you.

  Eat these whole, spitting the stones into your left hand and discreetly depositing them on the side of your plate, even if an inviting target presents itself somewhere else on the table. However, if the hostess has had the foresight to provide cherrystone shooters, and indicates that these may now be used by delicately pinging one off the head of a guest at the other end of the table, much simple merriment may be enjoyed.

  Most countries have some equivalent to Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor', and it is in my opinion perfectly all right to swallow a few stones in order to square yourself with whatever profession you wish. What does a burst appendix matter if you get the job you want? It is not etiquette to nick a couple off a neighbour's plate in order to improve your prospects, but it is allowable to sell him some if you have some to spare.

  Royalty are also allowed to count their stones publicly, although of course the rhyme for them can only be 'King, King, King, King, King, King, King, King' (or 'Queen'), which does not make for much in the way of dramatic tension over the custard.

  Oysters:— These should only be eaten on a day with a 'y' in it. They'll be served raw in their shells. You squeeze lemon over 'em and then just pour 'em down your throat. The sensation is a bit like having a bad cold and no handkerchief. And that's about it for oysters. They're much better if you cook them with a bit of bacon, because then they taste of bacon.

  Pasta:— Eat this with a fork, never a fork and spoon. Place the fork vertically on the plate and twist around a small portion of spaghetti, pulling to the side of your plate. Some big houses now boast a set of clockwork spaghetti forks, which can reduce the effort required.

  Peas:— In polite circles in Ankh-Morpork (and these are pretty small circles), peas are squashed onto the top side of the pea fork for conveying into the educated mouth. In Quirm, it is acceptable to blow them onto one side of the plate by means of a special straw.

  Snails:— Most people rely on thrushes to dispose of these garden pests, but they are still considered a delicacy in Quirm. Much of the Quirm diet developed during a twenty-year siege, when the population scoffed its way through the entire contents of the zoo and were then reduced to turning over damp stones and hitting with a hammer anything that moved. Snails are eaten directly from their shells. Apparently there's something called a snail fork, but I don't see how they could hold one.

  Soup:— Always move the spoon away from you when picking up soup. You are allowed to bring it towards your mouth once the spoon is full. The bowl, too, should be tilted away from you when you are spooning up the last drops. This is one of those bits of etiquette that makes sense. No one likes a lapful of hot soup. Ask anyone.

  Tea and coffee:— What to do when the tea or coffee is too hot is one of those little problems that crop up all the time. The correct way to deal with it is to put it into the saucer and fan it gently with your hat, while continuing to make polite conversation.

  Alcohol:— It is scarcely necessary to remark that drinking too much wine is very bad etiquette indeed, my word yes. At one time it was actually fashionable to become intoxicated after dinner, but those days are gone, I am thankful to say. The wineglass is never drained at a draught in polite society (but see the section on Dwarf etiquette), nor should you wipe your mouth with your hand. That tablecloth is there for a reason.

  'PORT A]VD CIGARS'

  THERE IS A LOT OF MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS

  of 'port and cigars'. After a high-class meal in some societies it is considered etiquette for the ladies to leave, but if you don't go no one seems to make you and you get some decent brandy and cigars plus perhaps a few jokes you haven't heard before.

  Incidentally, when offered port you should say, 'Ah, yes, I will have a little port.' Everyone says this. You have to say it even if what you intend is a lot of port.

  The port wine is always passed round to the left (to port). The problem is that if you miss the port as it passes you, on account of perhaps you are lighting another cigar or trying to think up a new joke, it is very bad form to ask for it to be passed back. The rules say you should pass your empty glass to the left so that it can catch up with the decanter, be filled by the person holding the decanter and passed back to you.

  Now, this can cause difficulties, because by then everyone

  except you has been drinking the port, and what with one thing or another you can find that your glass moves around the table slower than the port and the decanter gets back to you before you get your glass back. It's not good manners to hang on to it until your glass catches up, because people downstream from you will be dying of thirst.

  I find the best way is to run around the table until you're ahead of the decanter, pull the chair out from under some other diner, and be sitting there ready when the port comes past. I've done this several times and there's been no complaints, so it's probably good manners.

  Smoking

  BEFORE SMOKIN' IN a strange h
ouse, I always feel it is a good idea to ask people around you if they mind you doing so. Anything less than a threat to kill you if you light up should be considered a 'no'. After all, the world is full of fools, and you are not allowed to object to that, even though passive stupidity kills so many people.

  If you are stayin' in a house where they will kill you if you smoke, it is etiquette to smoke lying on your back in your room with your head in the hearth and blowin' the smoke up the chimney.

  When smokin' in company, it is very bad luck to light three cigarettes with one match because the third smoker will be shot by a concealed sniper. Some people make such a fuss about a little smoke.

  Be very wary around creepy signs that say 'Thank You For Not Smoking', because there's magic afoot. Otherwise, how did they know you wouldn't?

  Some Notes on Gardening

  PEOPLE SAY TO me: 'Mrs Ogg, should we sow our parsnips when the moon is waxing or when the moon is waning?' They say: 'If it rains on Soul Cake Tuesday, should we plant our early beans?' They say: 'Is it true that onion beds shouldn't be weeded after the 1st of August?'

  And I say: the hell with it. Witches knows about herbs, because that makes sense, and the good thing about most herbs is that they grow all by themselves. You just go for a walk with your eye to business and there they are (the really useful ones, anyway; the ones you mostly see growing in gardens are only useful for shoving up a chicken's bottom). But witches don't garden. Gardening involves digging in cold weather. Where's the fun in that? And the rest of the time you're mostly trying to kill something.

  What witches cultivate is people. It takes a lot less work to get friendly with a few keen gardeners and then, from about July onwards, you won't be able to move for free runner beans, tomatoes, courgettes the size of marrows and more rhubarb than was ever meant to happen. They love givin' the stuff away. It makes 'em feel proud. And it's good manners to respect other people's feelings. That's etiquette, that is.

  Births

  IN LANCRE WE don't go in for announcements about birth because everyone knows it's going to happen, sometimes before the young lady concerned, and in any case a lot of her muni's friends will be hangin' around the house or just popping in for a cupful of gossip on the likely day and I don't have to tell you that

  by nightfall there may be lonely shepherds up on the hills who don't know everything about the birth, but I pers'nally doubt it.

  However, these days young girls are findin' out what it's like outside Lancre, so it seems nothing will do but they've got to have at least a big sign on the door saying something like:

  IT'S A BOY!

  or

  IT'S A GIRL!

  or, in places like Slice and other parts of the Ramtops that are a bit backward in many ways:

  IT' S A BABY!

  (because I could tell you a few stories, but it is not in my nature). Other details may be added as required, viz., how much the baby weighs, what time exactly it happened, when the wedding is, and so on. Of course, in posher places with a town cryer and so on you can go further and compose hum'rous announcements like:

  'We have an extra Peckweather! Bettina has bounced into the home of Bertie and Claribelle Lusillon Ironpurse-Peckweather. Bettina arrived at twenty-four minutes after three on the afternoon of 15 Grune. She weighed 71bs 2oz and was delivered by Goodie Rattle!'

  But in my opinion this is a horrible start to give to any baby.

  It is traditional to give a large bottle of rum to the midwife afterwards, if she is me. Another bit of etiquette to remember is to make sure the older female relatives are out of earshot, because the last thing a young woman needs at a time like this is some old neighbour rattlin' on mournfully about the terrible time she had with her eldest, who came out sideways playing a trombone, or something. "

  NAMING CEREMOMIES, PRESENTS AMD OTHER MATTERS

  (including special considerations for those in a magical environment)

  FIRSTLY, WISE PARENTS SHOULD MAKE SURE THEY'VE READ ANY BOOKS

  of folktales that might be around. Those stories weren't just made up, you know. They are there for your protection. Learn from history. Calling a girl Beauty or Rose Red or Shining Eyes is just asking for trouble. Don't go boasting to any kings about how beautiful she is. Incident'ly, if when she grows up she turns out to be able to spin flax into gold, my advice is to keep very quiet about it. A good move is to buy an old gold mine and then let on that you've struck lucky. A little forethought is all it needs.

  However, it is okay to let your daughter be a milkmaid and sing

  sweetly where any kings can hear, and encouraging her not to

  complain about the fit of any shoes she might be asked to put on

  by men in powdered wigs may stand her in good stead in later life.

  Trust me on this one.

  If you are a king your daughter will be beautiful. People have

  tried all kinds of aids to beauty, like washing in the morning dew,

  shoving yoghurt on their faces, etc, but for my money the best way

  to be beautiful is to have a dad with a lot of money and a bunch

  of armed men. It's just amazin'

  how people will spontaneously

  see what a beautiful princess

  you are in those circumstances. There's a lot of little kings

  along the Ramtops, and they're

  always sayin' to me, 'Mrs Ogg,

  how do you stand on golden balls?'

  And, you know, this is a tricky one. You

  just know what's going to happen if you give

  a princess a golden ball. She'll lose it down the nearest well, and then a talkin' frog will turn up, and the next thing you know is you've got a son-in-law who . . . well, yes, he's a handsome prince, and I'll grant you that these are not to be sneezed at, but frankly you wouldn't want to see his family turn up at the wedding and anyway if they did they'd probably be in a jar.

  I gen'rally cut through the whole thing by pointing out that gold is a very stupid thing to make a ball out of. They never bounce no matter how hard you throw them.

  Boys is easier, and if you have sons it's worth trying for three. That sets the third one up nicely to marry any spare princesses that are around when he's grown up. If he can get a job as a swineherd, so much the better. It'd only be temp'ry. As Esmerelda Weatherwax always says, the stories are out there and it's up to you to leap on 'em as they go past (however, you can't bet on it. F'r'instance, when my boys was young I was always sending 'em off to take cows to market, and usually by the time they got back I'd always got a seed bed dug for any magical seeds they might have accepted, but all they ever brought home was a big handful of money. I must have slipped up somewhere).

  Presents for the new baby need some thought. What Mum wants is a big bag of nappies, someone to do the washing and a nice long holiday somewhere far away from her husband. What she'd probably have to settle for is a bunch of flowers and in posher households a silver teething ring for the baby. Of course, it's helpful to her if you remember to give something to the other children in the family, who might be put out and gen'rally whining about the new member, so what I give them is a thick ear unless they promise to shut up right now.

  On the subject of presents, in these rural areas where natural magic is still pretty strong, I ort to mention the treatment of any

  witches or godmothers in the area.

  What everyone hopes for, certainly, is a few of the nicer sort of witch or even a genuine godmother who'll be free with the Health, Wealth and Happiness business, but it is vit'ly important not to leave out any of the touchier witches that might live in the vicinity, otherwise someone'll screech 'Ahhahaha!' in the middle of the ceremony and the next thing you know is you'll be up to your neck in poisoned spinnin' wheels. After all, how hard is it to invite her along, give her plenty to drink and a plate of ham rolls all to herself and keep her out of the way of your posh auntie? Play your cards right and you could be ahead by one extra good wish. She may be a
bit whiffy on the nose, but it's better than waking up a hundred years later and findin' trees have grown up through the floor. A bit of forethought is all it takes.

  Courtship

  IT MAY COME as a surprise that anyone needs any instructions about this, but even I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realized what I was doing wrong.

  The hardest part is striking up a conversation, but it is easy if you take your time and look for the right opportunity. My first husband was very good at this. We met because he was doing some digging for my dad, sweating away with his shirt off, and I wouldn't be givin' away any secrets if I said I found plenty of opportunity