Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm

by Nanny Ogg's Cookbook [lit]

  I suppose neither of them was much taken with the passions of the flesh, what with her being so skilled at lacemaking and, of course, he had his pigeons, but, as she always pointed out, it meant that things were sorted out. Most of the time, space being hard to come by, they were waiting for people to die - his old dad, her old mum, his old mum, her old dad - and then just waiting became a sort of habit. Then they died, on the same day; he fell off his pigeon loft and she got blood poisoning from a needle. Old Brother Perdore was a decent sort and had 'em buried in the same grave, just to prove that poets don't always know what they're talking about. I don't know what they're waiting for now.

  The Ring:— This has got to be large and glittery, otherwise the girl will have to walk round with her hand extended in an awkwardly nonchalant fashion. They are usually non-returnable and it's not good manners to hand one over attached to a piece of elastic. My advice to a young man is not to spend a lot, beause it's the thought that counts. You can always say you're saving up for the new cottage or whatever, and anyway you might have to buy some more one day. I used to know a lady who had all her engagement rings made into a charm bracelet. This is not a cultured thing to do.

  When to Marry:— By and large, it's still best to try and get through the ceremony before having a baby. On the more mundane topic of what time of the year and of the day to hold your wedding, it's good to aim for the warmer weather (so do think about that when planning any events that may require you to get married!) Also remember to avoid Octeday, which is sacred to the followers of the church of Offler; on that day they are not permitted to have any fun at all because the prophet Jeremanda once spent a bad Octeday during his holidays in Llamedos. As to time of the day, the meal after the ceremony is, of course, usually called the wedding breakfast. Logically, the service should be held around 8 a.m., which then allows most of the rest of the day for serious feasting, quaffing and falling down. Also, breakfast cereal is quite cheap.

  THE WEDDIMG

  The Bride:— By right and ancient tradition, the bride is the focal point of any wedding and her duties are largely to do with making sure that she and her attendants look good on the big day. She appoints her bridesmaids, pages and any other attendants that she may want (matrons of honour, for example).

  By tradition, the bridesmaids are dressed in outfits that under normal circumstances they wouldn't be seen dead in, often with little floral headdresses, which they are then given as a present after the ceremony. The dress is consigned to the back of the wardrobe and forgotten about until ten years later, when her children need something to dress up in.

  Invitations to be a bridesmaid should not be accepted lightly. Why does the bride need to be surrounded by attractively dressed young women, which might serve to remind the groom of what he's leaving behind? It's because there's safety in numbers. Any evil spirits hanging around to cause bad luck for the bride will get confused, or so the belief goes. If you pay careful attention to any wedding ceremony you'll see that a lot of those funny little extras, silver horseshoes and the like, are really there to keep the bride safe. Dangerous times, weddings. That's why I always advise inviting any friendly witches along and making sure they get plenty to drink. You'll be thankful in the long run.

  The Groom:— The bridegroom chooses his best man and the ushers, whose job it is to keep the crowd quiet and confiscate the larger weapons. He has to pay for all the flowers and all the costs of the service itself (even if you're just jumping over the broomstick, which used to be the popular method in Lancre, it's best to remember that a broomstick costs money and also that the people holding it may become, through lack of money, so confused that they lift it up quickly just as the groom is going to jump). The groom also has to buy presents for his and

  his wife-to-be's attendants. Most important of all, he has to provide everything for their new home - including all linen, glass, plate, furniture, fixtures and fittings. Under a Ramtops tradition he also has to conclude his stag night by digging a new privy in the garden of his new home and throwing up into it.

  The Bride's Parents:— The bride's parents have to pay for all food and drink (including the wedding cake) and any other costs connected with the 'breakfast' and the evening party (including floral displays). They pay for the bride's and bridesmaids' dresses and any clothes for other attendants. This can be expensive for a man blessed with many daughters, and is the downside of having someone to look after him when he starts to dribble. Traditionally, he also had to find the dowry. In the case of kings and so on this was sometimes a whole duchy or something, and I suppose for the really big royal families the happy couple would have to make a list, otherwise they'd end up, it always happens, with three very nearly identical baronies and no toast rack at all.

  Best Man:— The best man has to marry the bride if the groom fails to turn up. He may or may not therefore have strong incentive for his other major task - making sure that the groom arrives looking smart and in reasonably good condition, and is vertical, or alive, or at least present.

  This can be a challenging task, since he also has to organize the party the night before, the sole purpose of which is to see that the groom does not arrive looking smart, ekcetra, ekcetra. So apart from a good head for strong drink, he also needs to know, to within a few minutes, how long it'll take the groom to wake up, escape from the handcuffs, break out of the chickenhouse, remove all the boot polish (at least from visible areas) and hop all the way to the nuptial venue with both legs down one trouser.

  The Bridesmaids:— Mainly there, as I said, to be occult decoys and, if carefully chosen by the bride, to make her look good by comparison. They carry posies provided by the groom, who also gives them each a small present as a token of thanks. It used to be the case that the groom was expected to actually chase and catch his bride on the big day. The groom's presents to the bridesmaids is a tradition dating back to when the groom used to bribe the bridesmaids to lure the bride to a location where he could catch her without too much effort. Personally, whenever I hear anyone say this, I always ment'ly add, 'That's what he thought.'

  How to Have the Fight:— A fight is traditional at all Ramtops weddings, except those involving royalty, where the tradition is a small war.

  Lots of people have asked me for advice about this. They say, 'Mrs Ogg, can you just rely on there bein' a fight?' And, yes, you gen'rally can. My advice is to make sure the drink is strong enough and that people are seated right to make it happen quite soon. That way you've got it over with and can get on with things without that naggin' feelin' that something's wrong. Once it starts, though, it's vital to see that it goes properly, viz:

  Stage One: This is what some people call The Challenge. It starts as soon as people have a few drinks inside them and start to chatter, whereupon Man 1 will say, per'aps:

  'What was that you said about our Lil?'

  (This is only an example, of course. Other suitable challenges include: 'Hah, you wouldn't talk like that if you knew what our grandad told us about your mum,' and, if all else fails, 'That's my pint you're suppin'' (although this is considered pretty poor and suggests not much thought has gone into things).)

  This will take us to Stage Two: The Question. Again, this is fairly

  formal, but Man 2 can choose between a number of inquiries, seekin' to ascertain as it might be whether Man 1 requires a face-ful of dandruff/knuckle sandwich/a nose that touches his ears on both sides.

  The men will circle one another three or four times, which should not be difficult by now since both parties will be findin' it a lot easier to walk in circles. The crowd at this point are permitted a number of witticisms and shouts of encouragement, such as, 'Kick him inna fork, our Sam!'

  At this point one bystander, known as the Shover, will push one of the circling men towards the other (technic'ly this is Stage Three, which does not last long). This will result in some aimless flailin', but the first decently landed blow will result in Stage Four: tbe Wives. At a signal, the ladies associated wit
h the men will each grab their partner and shout variants on 'You wait till I gets you 'ome, I can't let you out of my sight for five minutes!' Hitting the man over the head with handbags is ritual at this point or, if the reception has gone on for some time, a bottle may be substituted.

  Stage Five begins when one of the ladies says to the other something on the lines of, 'I'm surprised you've got the nerve to show your face here, after what you did to Aunty Shipley!' and they then fall to fighting with rather more malign expertise than their menfolk, who bury their differences to separate the couple before something expensive gets broken.

  The bride then cuts the cake.

  WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

  I can never remember what each anniversary is signified by. I asked around among my friends and people seem to agree on the following:

  FIRST soot or coal

  SECOND lacy privy stationery holder

  THIRD musical model of Brindisian gondola

  FOURTH cardigan or long combs

  FIFTH colander or tea-strainer

  SIXTH pottery carthorse

  SEVENTH small box to put things in or things to

  go in a small box EIGHTH garden ornament NINTH nether garment or nightshirt TENTH bobbin or sock FIFTEENTH Llamedosian spoon TWENTIETH stuffed donkey in straw hat TWENTY-FIFTH cooking apron with amusing

  anatomical design THIRTIETH lobster or crayfish THIRTY-FIFTH picture of sad green Agatean lady FORTIETH rabbit made from sea-shells FORTY-FIFTH teacosy

  FIFTIETH gold

  FIFTY-FIFTH four-poster bed

  SIXTIETH troll's tooth

  Deatb

  IT IS DEFINITELY very etiquette to mark the departure of some close friend or relative. If you go to their funerals, as we say in Lancre, they'll come to yours.

  An important first step, though, is to make sure they're dead. It's amazin' how often people overlook this simple job, which can lead to much lack of etiquette and people havin' to run all the way back home from the graveyard to fetch a crowbar. But shouting 'Are you awake, Sid?' in their ear is not enough. In the Ramtops we organize a wake.

  For those who don't know what a wake is, it's a bit like a birthday party only quite different. For one thing, no one is going to blow any candles out. Also, the requirement for jelly is seriously reduced. People can be quite cheerful at a wake, because it's not their wake. If the recently passed-away was popular, all their friends will come to pay their respects and give 'em a good send off, and if they're unpopular, everyone will turn up anyway to make sure they're dead. I advise lots of beer, and you can't go wrong with ham rolls. Some people like the coffin to be upright and open, but I think it is more etiquette to have it closed, especially if you are short of tables. Also, an open coffin can be a problem if people have had too much to drink, and are helping one another home and have got a bit short-sighted, because there's nothing more worrying to those tidyin' up than to find that the dear departed has

  Death in his various forms comes to everythin§ and everyone. (PS: We really meant that about the arsenic.)

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  really departed, and his old friends are halfway down the lane and wondering why he won't join in the singing.

  An advantage to that, though, is that if the deceased is not dead, just sleeping, they might join the party, as happened over in Creel Springs when old Cable Volume woke up and asked for a pint and his friend Joe keeled over. Still, they had the beer and grub and a coffin all ready, hardly used, so it all turned out for the best, really.

  In the big towns and cities things are a lot different.

  I reckon that a long time ago, when people were walking around in skins and living in caves, someone dropped dead and while everyone was having a good cry someone shuffled up, presented his condolences, and said this week there was a special offer on shallow graves topped with cave bear skulls covered in ochre, and for only one big lump of mammoth extra there was also the option of having the grave lined with seasonal flowers. And so undertaking began. It is now very fashionable to be embalmed after you're dead, because the afterlife is uncertain and it may be possible to take it with you.

  -OOIIVO AWAY' PARTIES

  ONE OF THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WITCH OR A WIZARD IS THAT YOU

  learn the time of your death in advance, and sometimes months before the big day. No one seems to know how this happens. Old witches I've spoken to say that one day you just wake up knowin', just like you can remember your birthday.

  However it happens, it can be quite a saving in terms of buying new suits or starting any long books, and it is generally regarded as a good thing. After all, if you've lived a long time, and 100 is no age at all for a wizard or a witch, you're probably getting a bit bored and int'rested in seeing what happens next.

  Wizards used to have 'going-away' parties, although I understand they don't happen much these days. They were a bit like wakes but with the principel guest still takin' an int'rest. I've heard stories that one or two wizards passed away from drinking or eating too much at their going-away parties, which raises very puz-zlin' questions about Destiny, Fate, and so on. Generally it was all very good-humoured, especially if the wizard was really old, and a time for speeches and friendly recollections of times gone by.

  Since wizards (and witches) can see Death, they always left out a glass of something and an extra plate of canapes in case he fancied a snack. You cannot go wrong with a ham roll.

  For witches the 'knowledge' means that they can get their cottage really clean and an inventory done for the next occupier, because it'd be terrible to be dead knowing that you'd left things unswept. Traditionally they also dig their own graves and lie down in them towards the end, leaving the next witch to fill it in, because it is also not good manners to make more work than is necessary for other people.

  Witches do not hold parties, although they do sometimes take tea with the other local witches to make sure that everything is handed over smoothly (you cannot go wrong with a ham roll). Also, over the years other witches will have had their eye on, as it might be, prized washstands and interestin'ly patterned basins and other items the soon-to-be-deceased might have accumulated, and it's much better to get this all sorted out beforehand. This prevents the other witches havin' to find excuses to nonchalantly enter the cottage afterwards, which can be particularly tricky if two do it at once. A true witch disdains any amount of fame and money, but will black someone's eye with the fender for a candlestick she's been coveting for thirty years. Many a spat involvin' quite serious magic has begun with the cry 'She promised it to me!'

  As I have indicated, it is perfectly etiquettable to arrange your life so that everything ends cleanly, and a witch who dies just as the last log from the pile is smoulderin' in the hearth will get a reputation for being prudent as well as, of course, being dead.

  What is not good manners is to tempt Fate. You might think that because you're not going to die for three months it might be fun to spend a few weeks climbing mountains, since it won't kill you, but there are no guarantees against accidents and in any case there is such a thing as a long and lingerin' death. The point is to wrap up all the loose ends neatly, which is as much as any person can hope for.

  FLOWERS

  MANY PEOPLE NOW SPECIFY 'NO FLOWERS' AND ASK INSTEAD FOR

  friends and more distant family to send donations of cash to a good cause, and in Lancre they ask for crockery for the wake, because a wake gets through a lot of crockery. I person'ly think that is sad. Flowers are a good tradition and one of the oldest there is. Of course they die off after a while, but then so do we all. That's the point, really.

  PERIODS OF MOURMIMG

  PEOPLE WORRY LESS ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING THAN THEY USED TO

  when I was young, when you bought a lot of black clothes around the age of forty and that was your wardrobe until all you needed was a shroud, and then I suppose at least the white made a change. I'm sorry to say that the tradition these days seems to be to avoid the close relatives for a few weeks out of emba
rrassment and then mumble something next time you can't avoid them.

  That is the whole point about etiquette. It stops people having to flail around not knowin' what to do. It may be daft but at least there's some sort of rules which everyone understands.

  When my fourth granddad died - my granny was a very good cook, and people came for miles around for her lard dumplings -my granny kept her curtains drawn for a week and it wasn't because of the effects of the wake. She also wore black for the rest of her life, but she'd been wearing black since she was thirty-five so that didn't make much difference. It used to be like that in those days; once your kids were grown up you got a sort of ment'l letter which said: You are an Old Person, and that was it. For a woman that meant a shawl and a bonnet was compuls'ry for the

  next sixty years, and the men would have to wear a grubby waistcoat and concertina trousers and take up an allotment.

  I pinched this list of 'mourning periods' out of my granny's scrapbook. She was very keen on doing the right thing. Of course, in those days mourning and going to funerals and writin' letters of condolence and so on were quite a hobby for some people: