Dirty

by Gina Watson

  “They have a father in you. What they want are answers. I know you can’t see it, but your father isn’t someone the girls would trust. That’s not going to change.”

  “Trust?”

  “I can’t explain it, but when I opened the door to him I almost slammed it shut. His immediate appearance is haunted and lost. It frightened me. He’s not here to win them over—he’s just trying to heal.”

  “You think I should have invited him in to dinner?” He was incredulous.

  “I didn’t say that. I said your father came around looking for closure, for healing. He’s battling addiction and loss. You don’t have to invite him to dinner, but it would be nice if you would consider speaking to him.”

  “What the hell do you know about addiction and loss?”

  “So we’re back to that?”

  “Back to what?”

  “You’re treating me like I haven’t lived, like I haven’t experienced pain, like my opinions and thoughts are of no value because I was raised in a loving and wealthy family.”

  “It’s true. What experience do you have with the struggle of the common man?”

  “The poorest man can become a prince if he has a compassionate heart.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  She stood. “Sawyer, you are going to be your own pitfall. You’re willing to lose everything rather than to bend a little bit. The girls need to know about their father.”

  “I’ve given everything I have. I’ve dedicated my life.”

  “You’ve given almost everything. What you haven’t given is forgiveness.”

  “I shouldn’t be the one giving.” He huffed out, grumbling down the hall as he walked toward the movie room.

  From her bedroom she heard him yell, “Riley, take those clothes off. We need to leave.”

  Her heart ached for him, for Riley, and for Jess. Riley rushed into Courtney’s bedroom in a haze of tears. “I thought I was staying overnight. I wanted to.”

  “Change of plans. Let’s go.”

  She grabbed her clothes and went into the bathroom to change.

  Standing in the hallway he fumed—his fists balled at his sides as he paced. “Sawyer, I promised her after the movie we’d swim and make cookies. Please don’t take your anger at me out on her.”

  “I really hate how you’re always telling me what I should do when it comes to them. I did fine for the years before you, and I’ll do fine after you.”

  Now she was spitting-nails-mad! “Fuck you, Sawyer.” He had the audacity to look affronted. “I love Riley like a sister. She’s my friend. I realize you’re hurt and angry right now but you can be a real douche. I can see through your bullshit. Riley can’t. Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to take her away when you’re acting this way?”

  He fisted his hands in his hair, letting out a long agonized sigh of frustration as he swiftly took the stairs. Courtney followed after him, running to keep up. He pushed the front door open and continued out to his truck.

  She wanted to tell him one last thing. She opened the passenger side door and leaned into the cab of the truck. He started the engine, but she knew he wouldn’t put it in drive until she was safely backed away. “Sawyer, it doesn’t have to be complete. The tiniest seed of forgiveness can work wonders.” Maybe it wasn’t the perfect time to say it, but he needed to know.

  “That’s great, Courtney. I’ll remember that the next time somebody spills red wine on my white sofa, but I don’t think you can apply your parable to my situation.”

  It would have hurt less if somebody had plunged a dagger into her heart. And this is where she’d put her words into action. She’d forgive him for dismissing her even though it hurt like hell.

  “Please, let me out of here.”

  Before she backed away and let him go she said, “I love you. I’ll be here.”

  Chapter 12

  Sawyer opened the front door to find Jess exiting the car. Dallas stood nervously holding the door open for her.

  “Thanks, Dallas. I enjoyed your robot dance.” She placed a quick kiss on his cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  She skidded toward Sawyer, barefoot. “Why are you not wearing shoes?”

  She held them up to eye level. “These are not shoes, they’re torture chambers.” He laughed, placing his arm around her.

  “Where’s Riley?”

  “She’s at Courtney’s.”

  “And you didn’t want to be at Courtney’s?”

  He regretfully sighed. “I was mean to her. I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “Why were you mean to Courtney?” Her face contorted in confusion at how one could ever be mean to the blonde angel. He hadn’t just been mean—he’d been cruel and he hated himself for it.

  He sat on the couch, hands laced together in his lap. “I’m pretty upset right now.”

  “What’s wrong?” Her voice was tinged with worry.

  “I need to talk to you.” He patted the spot next to him on the couch and she reverently sat, Levi curled into a ball between her bare feet.

  “How much do you remember about Mom and Dad?”

  She grimaced. “I remember you saving us from them.”

  Was that it? “That’s all you remember?”

  “No. I remember them yelling and fighting and how scared it made me. And I had a right to be scared, didn’t I?”

  He was confused by her words. “What?”

  “Mom OD’d, didn’t she?”

  “She had a heart attack.”

  “Because of the drug use, right?”

  He nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Know what, Murph?…once you took us we never again had to worry about if we were going to be fed, cared for, or loved. I don’t ever get scared any more. You never yell, swear, or throw things. I love you. Thank you for taking me and Riley. I know what would have happened if you hadn’t.”

  “How can you know all of that?”

  She shrugged. “I just figured it out.”

  “Dad is out of prison.”

  She had no visible reaction to his words. “How do you know?”

  “He was here today. Said he wants to see you.”

  “Is he still here?” She looked around the room.

  “No.”

  “Well I don’t mind. We should all see him together. Maybe go for breakfast something. Courtney could come and be there for you.”

  “Be there for me?”

  “You need someone, and she loves you so much.”

  “I don’t know why. I was pretty cruel to her.” He rubbed a finger across his upper lip. How would she ever forgive him for the things he’d said?

  “It’s understandable. You were emotional.”

  He chuckled. When had she grown into a compassionate young woman? “I don’t know if she’ll come back this time.”

  “Do you want to marry her?”

  He wanted many things where she was concerned…marriage was his dream. “It’s not as easy as wanting, you have to be able to back it up. I can barely provide for the three of us. She’s not for me.” He couldn’t afford her. He could bust his back for ten years and still not be able to afford a ring worthy of gracing her finger.

  “That may be true about money to buy things, but when it comes to providing love and comfort, we’re rich—like Ironman rich.” She raised her brows at him. “What? It’s true, and I know Courtney cares more about love than money. Besides, she has a job and she has money, so why are you letting that hold you back?”

  That was the question wasn’t it? They’d both spoken of their desire to be together—the four of them together. Late at night they’d talk for hours on the phone about how their lives had been on a track to ultimately bring them together. Truth told he believed in her—in them. He was just more scared than he’d ever been in his life because he’d never loved something as much as he loved Courtney, and he was deathly afraid something was going to take her away from him. If he loved her this much now, he couldn’t imagine
how much stronger the ties would be given a year.

  “Earth to Sawyer.”

  Jess was leaning into his side, teasing him. “Just ask her to marry you. She’s over here every night. Make her part of the family, or at least give her the promise of that.”

  She was so right…he should give her the promise of something more. Courtney deserved to know where she stood, which as it turns out was right over his heart.

  ***

  Courtney wasn’t a big crier. In fact she rarely cried, but she’d shed so many tears tonight after Sawyer stormed out that had she collected them she could have drowned a small rat.

  She reread their texts:

  I’m sorry about the things I said. Can you bring Riley to the house in the a.m.?

  Yes.

  You have every right to be mad. Please let me start to make it up to you. I’ve planned a nice breakfast. Will you stay?

  Yes.

  I love you.

  She knew he loved her. He didn’t say it as much as she did, but he showed her. Her concern was his need to bottle up anything negative and keep it from her. They should tackle problems together if they were truly going to build a life together.

  I love you too but it hurts when you exclude me from certain parts of your life.

  I know. I’m sorry.

  It’s okay. I understand.

  I don’t deserve you.

  You do, and so much more.

  Shut up, Court.

  She smiled, wishing he was next to her in bed so that she could curl up next to his warmth.

  If you were here, I’d make you feel better. :)

  Banging my head against the wall for leaving. What was I thinking?

  Until tomorrow. xo<3xo

  xxoo

  The next morning Courtney woke with a spring in her step, anxious to be near him. He alone made her heart beat. Without him she wasn’t complete. She walked toward the mint green room where she’d put Riley. Opening the door she was glad to find Riley awake and bright eyed.

  “Good morning! I’m glad you’re up. We’ve got to hit the road in a bit. Sawyer’s planned breakfast for us.”

  Riley beamed at her…and kept beaming. “What’s with you?”

  “Nothing!”

  Courtney shook her head. “I’m going to get ready. We’ll leave in about twenty minutes.”

  The child was still smiling like a guilty cat.

  In her closet Courtney pondered. She wanted to wear something Sawyer would appreciate…something that would drive him a little crazy. Since it was breakfast and not dinner, she settled on a sleeveless, cream-colored silk peplum top that plunged to a deep V in the back. With most of the skin on her back exposed, she was unable to wear a bra. She smiled as she thought of how Sawyer would react. She paired the top with slim black trousers and on her feet she wore ridiculously high black patent leather pumps. She put her hair in a high bun, but immediately several pieces escaped to curl at her nape. It was the story of her life. Whenever she put her hair up, half of it wanted to be down. She shrugged, enjoying the feel of running her fingers through the curly tendrils.

  When she arrived at the Murphy home, Jess exited a waiting car.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Courtney asked, curious.

  Jess leaned in and landed a sloppy wet kiss on Courtney’s cheek. “What’s going on is Riley is coming with me.” Levi whined from the waiting car, his nose slobbering up the window.

  “Where are you going?”

  “We are going to brunch at Mrs. Garner’s. We’ll be back later…much later.” Both Jess and Riley giggled like idiots…well, she was the idiot, apparently the butt of some inside joke.

  Placing her hand on her hip she frowned, “I feel as if there is a plot afoot and I’m on the outside of it.”

  Jess shook her head, “Trust me, you’re in the middle of it.” She shooed Courtney with her hands, “Go on inside.”

  Courtney turned and walked toward the porch. Cautiously, she opened the door and peeked inside. “Hello?” Candles were lit and icicle lights hung from the ceiling rafters. She stepped inside and closed the door. A fire had been lit, despite the fact that there was no need for it. The environment was cozy and toasty and felt good around her. She smiled, letting the goodness wash over her.

  When her eyes landed on the dining table she gasped. Champagne was chilling in a bucket—an actual five-gallon plastic bucket that had also been dressed in twinkly lights. On the table were flutes and a pitcher of orange juice.

  Shuffling from the hallway stole her attention from the table. Sawyer emerged, standing frozen in the archway as they took in one another. Her immediate reaction was to gasp, but then her veins sizzled with desire. He’d dressed in a black suit with a black shirt and electric blue tie. The effect was mesmerizing as his bulging muscles filled out the suit perfectly and his eyes simmered in their sockets. “You’re beautiful.”

  He cracked a grin. “I believe that’s my line.”

  She twirled a finger in the air, “What’s all this?”

  “This is me, loving you.” He pressed his open palm into his chest and turned his eyes down. He looked so young and vulnerable that her heart fluttered wildly, and for a moment she lost her breath. “I wish I could take sole credit, but Jess helped quite a bit.”

  Stepping forward he took her hand and led her to the table. He pulled out a chair and she delicately sat with her weight on her heels while he pushed the chair beneath her. “May I pour you a mimosa?”

  “Please.” As he mixed the drink tableside, her body was no longer with her spirit, which floated somewhere above the table.

  “I’m sorry for the things I said yesterday. Your interference with the girls caught me off guard. Hell, your interference in my whole life caught me unaware. But you never gave up. You’re like a battering ram, demanding to be let in at all costs because you know it’s where you belong. In this moment I couldn’t be more thankful for your inquisitiveness, your tenacity, your unwavering spirit, because they’ve brought us here. This is the end, Courtney.”

  “It is?” She eyed him clearly, blinking.

  He squatted beside her chair. “Yes, it’s the end of the chapter where we live without one another…or at least I hope it is.” His breath on her cheek was sweet.

  His words sounded positive, but even more compelling was his confidence. His calm façade and drilling brown gaze were steadfast. “I have many problems that have no solution, but I have one problem that has a definitive answer. My love for you is absolute. I want you next to me starting right now and for the rest of ever.”

  Wow. Who would have ever thought he could be so poetic…so romantic? His image before her blurred as a tear escaped her eye. “I want that too—forever.”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Kleenex. He wrestled with the tissue, dropping the Kleenex, revealing what was left behind.

  “I want to marry you. I want to build a life together, but I don’t have money for a wedding, a ring, a honeymoon.” He sighed and stared at the ring in his hand. “It’s very hard for me to relinquish my desire to be your provider. I want to clothe, feed, and dress you. I want to give you shelter. And I can, but not the way you are accustomed to. I don’t even have room enough in my house for four. The only thing I know for certain is that I have to be with you. I don’t expect you to be as crazy as me, but”—he chuckled nervously, his crooked smile melting her hurt and heart—“if you want to try to make something lasting with me, I’d love you for as long as you’d let me.”

  She closed her hand over his as they clasped the ring. Reaching her lips to his she said, “I love you.” She pressed her mouth to his, kissing him gently. She straightened and found his eyes, “I won’t try to make something with you, I will. Will you do something for me?”

  “I would do anything for you, you know that.”

  She nodded. “I’m glad to hear you say that because I want you to speak with your dad.” She was prepared to convince him to fulfill her request.


  “I will. I already spoke to Jess about her father, and I’ll do the same when I next see Riley.”

  She felt a sliver of relief take hold. “You spoke to Jess already?”

  “I did. She deserved to know, and she reacted exactly as you predicted.” Still in a squatting position he leaned in and kissed her temple. “Is this how our relationship is going to go…you’re always right and I’m left worshipping you?”

  “Mmm, I hope so,” she whispered as he pressed his lips to hers.

  “Me too.” He nuzzled her bare shoulder, his left hand massaging the bare skin of her back. He was lost in her, but she wanted to hear him ask her the question.

  She looked down at the ring in his hand. “Did you have something you wanted to ask me?”

  He smiled dreamily, lost in their glow. “Hmm…oh! You distracted me.”

  “I did no such thing.”

  “Okay…your lack of clothing distracted me.” Shifting to bended knee he pinched the ring in his fingers. “Courtney Marie David, will you marry me?”

  “Yes, Sawyer. I would love to be your wife.” He slid the ring on her finger. “Courtney Marie Murphy has a nice ring to it.” He kissed her finger where he placed the ring. “It’s the same color as your eyes. It belonged to my grandmother.”

  An antique silver ring was placed on her finger. The setting was round and held a large deep-blue sapphire “I love this ring.” A traditional engagement ring it was not, but the meaning behind it was greater than any expensive diamond ring he could have bought. “It’s beautiful.”

  “I’ll get you something traditional to go with it, I promise.”

  She grasped his hands. Looking into his eyes she said, “Please don’t. I love this ring. I would rather have something meaningful than a new, costly diamond ring that’s unloved and meaningless.” She held her left hand in the air before her and admired her ring. Her ring had substance, it had heart.

  “It’s not traditional.”

  “We’re not traditional.”

  “I love you.”

  She turned at the waist and into his hold, sliding from the chair and into his arms. Strong, he stood and carried her through the living room, down the hall, and into the bedroom.