by P J Gordon
When the older woman had arrived at the cabin to join Kastl’s little guard detail, Manda had immediately recognized her as the one who had found her in the bathroom, interrupting the attack. Kastl had brought the woman back to the cabin when Manda had been in hiding for a month. He’d led the woman onto the deck, where Manda was sitting in the shade and surfing the internet.
“Manda, this is Anna,” Kastl had introduced. “She’ll be joining us.” Then he’d turned and left without any further comment or explanation, reinforcing Manda’s opinion of him as cold and distant. She’d pushed thoughts of Kastl from her mind, however, when she realized that Anna was frozen in shock and gaping at Manda as if she were looking at a ghost.
“Hi,” Manda had greeted her hesitantly.
Anna’s response had been unexpected. “You’re alive!” she’d blurted, and blindly stumbled to a chair with her eyes still glued to Manda.
“Yes, I am,” Manda agreed, “and I believe I partly owe you for that. Thank you.”
Anna had been embarrassed by Manda’s gratitude and had launched into a litany of apologies and explanations. The story that Manda finally pieced together was that Anna had been one of the agents assigned to keep an eye on her that day at the baseball game. It had been her particular responsibility to keep Manda safe if she went to the bathroom, where her other guardians couldn’t conveniently follow. But Manda had slipped away when Anna hadn’t been looking. She admitted to letting her guard down a little when Manda was with Richard because he never let Manda out of his sight for a second.
It had only taken her a few minutes to realize that Manda was gone, but that was all it had taken. By her own reckoning, her negligence had been responsible for Manda’s death. After a tearful apology to Mikey, Anna had turned in her resignation. She’d been bewildered when it had been completely ignored and she’d instead been sternly ordered to report to Fort Collins for a new assignment.
The agent who had met her in Fort Collins had been one of the three besides Kastl who were guarding Manda at the cabin. By adding comments from the other agents and one overheard phone conversation to Anna’s story, Manda deduced that Kastl had brought Anna onto his tiny guard detail as a means of allaying her guilt and keeping her from throwing away a long and successful career. It was a kind and compassionate decision and Manda’s opinion of Kastl had softened. They’d had more real conversations after that, opening up to each other a tiny bit. She’d commented on the form he took most often in his frequent aerial patrols. He’d been surprised that she had recognized the black bird as a rook. He’d smiled when he admitted that he’d chosen his current last name based on that form. It had been the start of their truce.
Manda still preferred to be alone rather than with Kastl or any of the other agents though. She was miserable in her beautiful, self-imposed prison, and trying to be polite and friendly to the others was an effort—not because she disliked them, but because hiding her unhappiness required constant vigilance. Each of them had, in some way, helped to save her life and she didn’t want to seem sulky and ungrateful. She lived in a constant state of worry about Richard though. Despite Kastl’s assurances that he was perfectly safe, Manda couldn’t help but imagine him on the receiving end of what she had experienced—except with two attackers instead of one. Or even worse, a surprise attack that he never even saw coming. She’d been having nightmares about it.
If the fear wasn’t enough, Manda was homesick and missed her family and friends. To say she missed Richard didn’t even come close to expressing how she felt, though. Being apart from him was like having a part of herself torn away. There was nothing left but ragged edges.
Manda had been haunting the Internet for news of Richard ever since Kastl had supplied her with the computer. The first thing she’d done, of course, had been to import the composite reconstruction of her attacker’s face into her graphics software and refine and alter it. She’d spent hours of meticulous work, often editing on a pixel-by-pixel level, until it finally matched the face in her memory. Kastl had been impressed but she had just been relieved to have it over with. She wanted to forget the events in that bathroom, if that were possible.
The computer was Manda’s lifeline to the outside world, even if Kastl took great care to ensure it was a one-way link. After completing the composite, she ran an online search for Richard Raines. The story of her murder had been everywhere, as well as an ocean of rumor and speculation on the subject. The only new information about Richard, however, had been that the two Raines brothers had been in seclusion and unavailable for comment. It wasn’t until almost two weeks later that another tiny bit of new information surfaced.
Manda was reading reports of her funeral when she found a mention of Richard. It was short, but heartbreaking to Manda.
While Joshua Raines attended Miss Jensen’s funeral service today, there was no sign of his brother, Richard Raines, who had been romantically involved with the Denver woman since January. A spokesman for the brothers stated that “Richard was devastated by events and has chosen to grieve privately.”
Manda was very afraid that the reason Richard hadn’t gone to her funeral was because he couldn’t forgive her for rejecting him and calling him a monster. The next day she’d been sitting on the deck that overlooked the stream, haunted by visions of her loved ones enduring her funeral, when Kastl joined her. They sat in silence for a long time before Manda finally gave bitter voice to the thoughts that plagued her.
“You know, in movies they have these scenes where everyone thinks someone is dead, and that person sneaks in and watches their own funeral. It’s always this touching, beautiful, “It’s a Wonderful Life” moment when they realize how much people loved them—but it’s not beautiful and touching. It’s horrible and awful because the truth is that you’re hurting everyone you love. They never put that part in the movies.”
Knowing she was going to cry then, she’d gotten up and walked away, taking the path upstream with no destination in mind. She just hadn’t wanted Kastl to see her tears. That was when she’d discovered the hammock. Now, when the weather was nice and she wasn’t on the computer searching for news about Richard, she was usually there.
That’s where she’d been most of the day today…ever since her fit of pique with Kastl. It was now late in the afternoon and she’d been there since midmorning. She hadn’t even returned to the cabin for lunch. Anna had brought her a sandwich shortly after one o’clock. Manda had accepted it dutifully and thanked her, but as soon as the motherly agent had disappeared back down the dirt path, Manda had torn it into small pieces and tossed it into the rushing stream. She just wasn’t hungry. Luckily, no one expected her to take a turn in the kitchen. If they had, they would have found themselves hungry more often than not. She didn’t have much of an appetite these days and tended to forget meal times. When Anna had moved in, the motherly agent had happily taken over most of the kitchen duties—a lucky stroke, since Kastl’s cooking hadn’t been good. The three agents from the ambulance—the two paramedics and the driver—acted as the go-betweens with the outside world, bringing in groceries and supplies and providing security support. Although they had sleeping quarters in the cabin, they were away most of the time, often coming and going without Manda ever seeing them.
Though those three men were phantoms, Kastl insisted that he, Anna, and Manda eat dinner together every evening. (Manda would have to head back to the house soon if she didn’t want to be late again.) She’d argued with him about this back when it had just been the two of them sharing the meal, but he had insisted that it was a security matter, not a pleasantry. Dinner together insured that he (and now Anna) had a chance to eat in peace without having to worry about Manda’s safety. It also served as a daily briefing of sorts, where any concerns or new developments could be discussed. A great many concerns had been raised and debated. There were seldom any new developments though.
Manda walked back down the path to the cabin slowly, carefully tucking her daydream, her disa
ppointment, and her irrational anger away behind a calm face. It was a familiar reflex. She’d perfected it in college when she’d moved into the dorm. After her parents’ death she’d been forced to share a room with a series of older roommates who had never been more than polite strangers, sharing little beyond proximity.
Dusk was falling as Manda climbed the steps onto the deck that ran the width of the cabin. Anna would have dinner ready soon. Manda could at least set the table. After a few steps across the deck, however, Manda froze. Between her and the door a small black and brown sparrow stood looking at her with its head cocked to one side. Birds often frequented the area around the cabin since Anna had made a habit of filling the birdfeeders scattered throughout the nearby trees. This bird, however, hadn’t flown away as the other birds did when she approached. Flashbacks of the attack in the bathroom overwhelmed Manda and panic tried to claw its way through her chest.
It’s just a bird, she told herself, fighting to stay rational. Just a regular bird.
She said a silent prayer and then stomped her foot in the bird’s direction. “Shoo!”
The bird ruffled its wings but didn’t fly away. Instead it tilted its head to the other side and fixed its black eye on her. Manda felt as if she were paralyzed. She couldn’t run. She couldn’t scream. She could only stand and watch the tiny bird.
It’s just a bird, reason told her again. It can’t hurt you. Just a little bird. The words repeated themselves over and over in her head. The rational part of her clung to them, but emotionally she wasn’t reassured. A small, frightened sound began deep in her throat, involuntarily growing louder. With every ounce of will she could gather, Manda slowly moved one foot and then the other, inching away from the sparrow. When she’d backed up a couple of feet, the bird advanced on her. At the same time, she heard the quick flurry of wings behind her. Unnerved, Manda screamed for the only person she could think of to help her right there and then.
“Kastl! Kas…” The name turned into a wordless shriek when a hand closed on her shoulder. She struggled to pull away but it held her tightly.
“Manda! It’s me,” Kastl said quickly. “Calm down. You’re safe. It’s just a bird. Relax. It’s okay.”
Anna burst through the backdoor a heartbeat later. She had a revolver in her right hand.
“What happened?” she demanded, scanning alertly for signs of danger.
“False alarm. Everything’s fine,” Kastl said calmly. “Would you please take Manda inside and stay with her. I’ll change and be right there.”
Manda realized then that Kastl was unclothed behind her and she studiously kept her eyes turned away as she walked toward Anna. The older woman escorted her into the house and settled her onto the sofa.
“Are you okay?” Anna asked. “What happened?”
“I’m fine,” Manda replied with more equanimity than she felt. Inside, her heart was trying to beat through her ribcage, but on the outside she had reconstructed her calm façade. “It was just a bird—a sparrow. It startled me. It was stupid.”
“Oh,” Anna said sympathetically. She knew about the sparrow in the bathroom and understood. “Well, you’re safe. We won’t let anything happen to you here.” She patted Manda’s shoulder reassuringly and then glanced toward the kitchen. “I have something on the stove. I’ll just go turn that off. Can I get you a glass of water or something?”
“Water would be nice. Thank you.”
Anna hurried off and while she was away Manda took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. It had just been a bird. Was she going to lose her mind every time she saw a sparrow now? She wondered what the name for that particular phobia was.
Anna returned with the glass of water a step ahead of Kastl. She handed it to Manda and sat down on the sofa beside her. Kastl seated himself on the edge of the coffee table across from them.
“Calm down, Manda,” he instructed kindly, “before you hyperventilate or something.”
Of course, Manda realized. He can hear my heart racing, just like Richard always could. She took a few more deep breaths and nodded.
Kastl smiled his approval. “Anna, no more hand-feeding the birds on the deck. They’re getting a little too bold.”
Anna nodded. “I’m sorry, Manda.”
“It’s okay, really. I was just being silly. If you want to feed the birds, don’t stop because of me.” Manda’s heartbeat was beginning to slow and embarrassment was taking the place of fear. She felt like a complete fool. She took a long drink of water and then examined the glass. She wished she were anywhere but there. Maybe Richard had been right not to tell her about the danger. She may well have developed a phobia of every animal she saw. She wished she were with Richard, far away from the cabin.
Chapter 42
As the weeks marched by and summer surrendered to fall without a fight, colder weather kept Manda indoors more and more often. Her escapes to daydream in the hammock became less and less frequent until she finally told Kastl he could take it down for the winter. It was a very nice hammock and she wouldn’t want the winter weather to ruin it. After all, if she were still there in the spring she might need it again. It was a depressing thought.
Manda found almost everything depressing now. Trapped indoors most of the time, she prowled restlessly. Her bedroom was the only place she could be alone, since she wasn’t the only one the bad weather had driven inside. The three roaming agents were also confined to the cabin a majority of the time now. Larry, Mo, and Curly (that was how Manda secretly thought of them, though their names were really Terry, Joe, and Leon) were nice enough, as was Anna, and Manda was grateful to all of them for the part that each had played in saving her life. The problem was that Manda was unhappy and hadn’t been sleeping well. She was still having nightmares and hadn’t slept through the night in weeks. The combination left her irritable and distracted. She tried not to take this out on the others, but they were always there. Manda spent a great deal of time and effort making polite excuses and fleeing from room to room, trying to avoid the others without seeming rude. She suspected that she was coming across as a snob but that was better than seeming like a bad tempered harpy. It would have to do anyway.
Surprisingly, it was Kastl who rescued her once more. In his company she found unexpected refuge from the forced cheerfulness and small talk of the other agents. Kastl’s stern authority and taciturn nature meant that those who worked for him tended to avoid his presence. Manda found that if she sat in whatever room he occupied, no one else would disturb her…and Kastl himself didn’t feel the need to chat. She was able to let her mind wander and spin her daydreams far from the confining walls of the cabin without fear of interruption.
Kastl seemed to encourage her company, often leaving the most comfortable seat in the room for her or building a fire in the great room fireplace to please her. So, while Manda surfed the Internet or read or just let her imagination carry her elsewhere, Kastl would read or work on his own computer in silence. Manda supposed it was the perfect arrangement for him—he was able to keep an eye on Manda from the comfort of his chair. No wonder he did what he could to keep her close.
As Manda and Kastl spent more and more time together, and Manda grew more comfortable with his company, she would sometimes ask him questions about shapeshifting. Unlike Richard, who had been eager to educate Manda on the subject, Kastl didn’t volunteer information. Secretiveness was a deeply ingrained habit for him, she supposed. He didn’t hesitate to answer any direct questions she asked on the subject though. In this way Manda was able to fill in some of the blanks in the information that Richard had given her. For example, she learned that a shapeshifter could only collect forms that were of their own gender. (She had been especially silly to be afraid of the sparrow on the deck, as it had been male and couldn’t possibly have been one of the women who wanted her dead.)
In addition, he explained to her that it was much more difficult to shift into the form you were already in, which was why a shapeshifter usually shifted to
another form and back again in order to heal an injury. It was simply easier. This difficulty was also why his trick with altered blood—the one that had saved her life—was challenging. That explained the relief Manda had seen on his face when she’d finally shifted. He’d been afraid that she would fail, rendering all of his efforts to protect her useless and alienating Richard forever.
As fall progressed and the snows began, news about Richard and Josh trickled in. In mid-October, Rain’s new album was released to rave reviews and critical acclaim. Manda was surprised by the title though. From the moment Richard and Josh had started working on the project in earnest, the working title had been “Fairy Tales,” but the final release was titled “Reality Check.” Manda had heard all of the songs in one form or another before, but Kastl purchased and downloaded the completed album for her on the day it was released. Manda immediately loaded it onto her iPod (another gift from Kastl, intended no doubt to placate her lest she rebel against her confinement) and lived the next three days with headphones in her ears.
In November, Rain launched their tour. It was a short one, only four months long, but that had been Richard’s plan from the start and had nothing to do with Manda’s “death.” Josh had teased Richard about not being able to pry himself away from Manda any longer than that, but privately he confided to her how glad he was that his brother had found her.
Manda had wondered if they would carry on with the tour as planned. She’d hoped so, as it was intended to promote the foundation, and so she was relieved when they didn’t cancel it. Sadly, this bit of positive news was overshadowed by a fresh wave of depression when the day of Richard’s birthday arrived.
Manda had missed his last birthday because they had only been dating a few weeks and he had failed to tell her about it. Manda had since pried the information out of Sarah and had planned to do something special this year. Instead, she’d managed to make both Richard and herself miserable. Good job, M, she congratulated herself facetiously. You’re the best girlfriend ever. Manda didn’t even bother getting out of bed that day. She wasn’t fit company for herself, much less anyone else. Better to just pull the blankets up over her head and wait for tomorrow.