Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies

by Mogk, Matt

  So, if you think that being eaten alive will be your biggest problem when the undead rise, you might want to think again. What’s more likely is that your house will be set on fire with you and your family inside, just because some desperate survivors think you might have something they want.

  In fact, humans are arguably much more dangerous in a zombie plague than the undead horde itself. Zombies don’t possess a human’s ability to think, plan, plot, scheme, double-cross, negotiate, and cheat. Furthermore, zombies don’t know where you hide your essential supplies and wouldn’t be interested in stealing them even if they did.

  Romero is clear in all of his films that the zombies aren’t the real threat and never really were. To him, the root cause of mankind’s demise at the hands of the undead is our own selfish agendas and unchecked ego. Ultimately, we are the tools of our destruction, because we’re not able to work together to eradicate the lesser evil: the zombies.

  The seriousness of the human threat in a zombie outbreak cannot be overstated. We may not know exactly where the un-dead sickness will start or how it will spread, but one thing is certain: your fellow citizens will be the most dangerous thing you face in the early days of societal collapse.

  It seems that every few weeks, we’re given another reminder of this, and numerous reports out of the 2010 earthquake zone in Chile were no exception. On February, 28, 2010, NBC Nightly News had this to say about the situation there:

  The real peril now is that the looting and violence is not confined to empty businesses but is also widespread in the homes of those who have survived. Basically a nightmarish scenario of neighbor against neighbor is unfolding.42

  Because of the breakdown in the distribution chain in Chile, people were desperate to secure food, water, and supplies for themselves and their loved ones. Even though they knew that the world wasn’t coming to an end, that everything would eventually get back to normal, the drive for survival was too great for them not to take matters into their own hands.

  In a zombie pandemic, we will have the same lack of supplies and services, with the added shock and fear that walking corpses bring. The peril faced by survivors of a zombie infestation at the hands of their neighbors will be exponentially greater than that of any more common disaster.

  WHO IS TO BLAME?

  When the dead rise, will it be your fault? Carey Morewedge of Carnegie Mellon University says that when things go bad, there is a human need to find someone to blame, and that spells further disaster in a zombie outbreak. His paper “Negativity Bias in Attribution of External Agency,” published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, explains that blame is our natural default setting because unexpected events are difficult to predict, and the unpredictable can be scary. What is more scary and unpredictable than an infestation of the walking dead?

  No one knew what caused the outbreak. Some said it was radiation. Some said it was a crashed meteor affecting the earth. Some said it was the wrath of God.

  —Graveyard Slot (2005), Cavan Scott

  The Black Plague of the Middle Ages was the deadliest event in human history, with some estimates suggesting that half of the world’s population was killed off. Looking at societal reactions to such a devastating time, specifically the blame trigger, can give insight into the challenges we may face in the coming zombie pandemic.

  As the very real notion of the end of the world set in at the height of the Black Plague, many previously peaceful people were sent into a religious panic that bordered on sheer insanity. And no group better illustrates this point than the flagellants.

  The flagellants walked across Europe whipping themselves to a bloody pulp as they shambled through the streets of any plague-infested town they passed. Their aim was to atone for the sins of man that brought such suffering to them all. But when masochism didn’t work, they started to attack and kill anyone they thought might be a particularly offensive sinner. Even town priests were not safe from their wrath. As the violent fervor intensified, the flagellant mob murdered tens of thousands of innocent people before the plague began to subside and the Catholic church ruled them heretics and outlawed the practice.

  But we don’t need to look back hundreds of years in the past to find irrational blame based on misguided religious beliefs. On the January 13, 2010, episode of The 700 Club, Pat Robertson openly blamed the Haitian people for the devastating earthquake they had just suffered. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed, and according to Robertson, it was their own fault because they’d made a pact with the devil years before:

  And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, you know, Napoleon the Third and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, “We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.” True story. And so the devil said, “OK, it’s a deal.”43

  On that same program, just two days after the World Trade Center attacks in 2001, Jerry Falwell blamed the tragedy not on the foreign hijackers or distant terrorist masterminds but on what he perceived to be the real homegrown menace: homosexuals and feminists.

  Irrational blaming in times of crisis crosses all cultures and religions. A prominent Indian journalist, Rajeev Srinivasan, suggested that a 2004 earthquake and resulting tsunami that killed more than 230,000 people in fourteen countries was a sign of retribution against Christians in India, whose activities he sees as betraying that nation’s essentially Hindu character. He referred to the event as the “Christmas quake” and implied that the December 27 date was no coincidence.

  A 2010 study from York University in England found that sustained levels of anxiety can give rise to radical, violent religious beliefs. Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the evidence suggests that anxious people more fervently cling to their ideals and are more extreme in their convictions. Lead researcher Ian McGregor explains that a process known as Reactive Approach Motivation (RAM) is to blame:

  Reactive Approach Motivation is a tenacious state in which people become “locked and loaded” on whatever goal or ideal they are promoting. They feel powerful, and thoughts and feelings related to other issues recede.44

  McGregor adds that extreme stress in the face of danger causes many to become both paranoid and more willing to submit to the control of a charismatic external force, allowing cult leaders and doomsday prophets to flourish when the zombies come.

  If you’re not planning to join a cult with the rest of the crazies, you might want to think about keeping a low profile when CNN starts talking about dead people rising and attacking their neighbors. If not, you could find a bloodthirsty horde of freaks kicking down your door and burning you alive on the off chance that you caused the undead apocalypse.

  KNOW YOUR ZOMBIES: KAREN COOPER

  Night of the Living Dead (1968)

  Karen Cooper is the first film character ever to turn into a modern zombie. Her parents frantically attend to a bite she’s suffered, only to be killed and eaten by their little girl in the basement of a secluded Pennsylvania farmhouse. Still, Romero makes it clear in all of his zombie films that the human threat is much more deadly than any undead menace.

  Though she never appears outdoors on-screen, a promotional photo of Kyra Schon as Karen standing in the farmhouse yard is one of the most iconic images from Night of the Living Dead.

  ILLUSTRATION BY MATT GROLLER

  20: SYSTEMIC COLLAPSE

  If you think you’re going to be saved by the solid advice of your elected officials in a zombie outbreak, think again.

  In late September 2005, Hurricane Rita was approaching Houston, Texas. With memories of Katrina’s devastating impact on the Gulf Coast still fresh in the minds of public officials, dire warnings went out across the airwaves that implied that citizens needed to get out of town or die. Upwards of 2.5 million people jammed the roads, creating a colossal hundred-mile-long traffic jam that left many people stranded and out of gas
for days.

  Houston mayor Bill White, who originally called for the mass evacuation, soon admitted that the highway was a death trap. He said that his plan had not anticipated the volume of traffic, even though a simple math equation that measured the number of residents against the road capacity could have been successfully completed by the average middle school student.

  In neighboring Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Governor Kathleen Blanco advised residents to “write their Social Security numbers on their arms in indelible ink” so that the medical examiner could identify their dead bodies after they were found drowned by floodwaters in their homes or bludgeoned to death by debris sailing on deadly winds. But then she and other officials seemed completely unprepared for the mass panic that ensued.

  Back on the gridlocked highways of Texas, twenty-four elderly evacuees were killed when a mechanical problem ignited a fire on their charter bus. Rescue workers had no chance of reaching them through endless stalled traffic. They heeded the bad advice of their government representatives and paid the ultimate price. Be careful not to do the same.

  No one knew what the next day would bring, how far the calamity would spread, or who would be its next victim, and yet, no matter whom I spoke to or how terrified they sounded, each conversation would inevitably end with, “But I’m sure the authorities will tell us what to do.”

  —World War Z (2006), Max Brooks

  AN UNREADY GOVERNMENT

  James F. Miskel served as professor of national security affairs at the U.S. Naval War College for twelve years and was also a member of the National Security Council under former presidents Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush. In short, he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to issues of government preparedness in the face of a crisis. And that’s what makes his insights on the topic so much more disturbing.

  In his 2006 book, Disaster Response and Homeland Security, Miskel observes that government typically deals with past failures by adopting a narrow focus on specific problems and generating targeted solutions. But because no two catastrophes are ever the same, a new and unforeseen failure is always waiting just around the corner. In fact, this “fine-tuning” approach, coupled with a highly interdependent agency structure, practically guarantees that we won’t be ready for the next surprise:

  Benjamin Franklin defined insanity as expecting a different result after doing to same thing over and over again. This definition describes our approach to reforming the disaster relief program in the United States.45

  If the government isn’t prepared to deal with the next big hurricane, earthquake, or terrorist attack, then how can we expect anything but confusion, communication gaps, and systemic breakdown when facing something as horrific as a zombie outbreak? Claims of a streamlined, vigilant post-9/11 government fall flat when compared to Miskel’s mountain of hard evidence and reasoned insights.

  28 Days Later (2002)

  JIM:

  What about the government? What are they doing?

  SELENA:

  There’s no government.

  JIM:

  Of course there’s a government, there’s always a government. They’re in a bunker, or a plane.

  MARK:

  No, there’s no government. No police. No army. No TV. No radio. No electricity.

  Not only is the government not prepared, but our own supply chain is at certain risk of total collapse.

  Today all nations and most businesses operate on a management principle known as just-in-time. The guiding rule is to deliver goods and services on an as-needed basis. This process makes great financial sense because it eliminates expensive storage costs and future waste of unused product. However, just-in-time’s overdependence on constant, reliable transportation creates an unsustainable need for massive quantities of oil. If the oil supply is cut off for any reason, the system is vulnerable to sudden and total collapse.

  Now consider the workers it takes to make just-in-time function: truck drivers, packers, security personnel, forklift operators, dispatchers, maintenance crews, mechanics, and warehouse staff, just to name a very few. There are literally hundreds of people playing a direct part in getting a single banana, can of soup, or lightbulb to your door.

  Current government estimates predict that essential services could be maintained only for a limited time if absentee rates rise above 25 percent. That’s still three in every four people showing up on the job as normal after being informed that the dead have risen from the grave and are feeding on the living. Would you go to work under those conditions? Would anyone?

  When the just-in-time supply chain falls, the end of our way of life will follow soon after. Well before the first zombie comes knocking, most people will have run out of food, fuel, power, and water. And when that happens, all the guns and ammunition in the world won’t keep remaining perishable goods from spoiling, lights from going out, or desperate survivors from breaking down under the weight of malnutrition, dehydration, and common bacterial infection.

  When the time comes, many will be forced to load up, aim straight, and bravely fight the undead feeling weak, cold, hungry, thirsty, and suffering from cholera, dysentery, chronic diarrhea, or worse.

  If I were a zombie, I’d like those odds.

  A FAILING SYSTEM STEPS IN

  When the zombie pandemic hits, there will be no vaccine or medical treatment that can help prevent infection. This notion leads to wild speculation about how individuals and governments will react in the face of a fast-spreading undead threat. But in fact, there is already a clear set of guidelines in place for dealing with similar scenarios, created by organizations such as the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

  Nonpharmaceutical intervention (NPI) is what experts call public-health strategies of this type. From mandatory social distancing to quarantine of exposed population, aggressive NPI procedures have been used repeatedly over the past century, starting with the great influenza outbreak of the early 1900s that killed an estimated 100 million people worldwide.

  The Texas Department of State Health Services offers an example of the types of measures that will likely be employed.

  • Quarantine of the ill and infected at home.

  • Quarantine of household members in homes with an ill person.

  • Closure of all schools and public buildings.

  • Prohibition of social and public gatherings.

  • Cancellation of nonessential work responsibilities.

  • Relocation of populations to less dense areas.

  Though these steps may have little or no impact on the spread of zombieism, it’s important to understand what reaction your local, state, and federal authorities will likely have. If not, you run the risk of being escorted from your home by armed soldiers without time to hide, hunker down, or even collect your survival essentials.

  Any survival plan should take into account not only the human threat from your fellow desperate citizens but also the threat from wrong and hasty action taken by the very individuals charged with your protection.

  Some governors had authorized militias to shoot looters on sight, even though some occasionally joined outposts and were productive.

  —Undead Prometheus (2005), Rob Morganbesser

  After experiencing the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, Sheriff Larry Deen of Bossier Parish, Louisiana, was determined to get ready for the worst. The Shreveport Times reported that Deen recruited 200 men, training them with shotguns, riot shields, batons, and even a .50-caliber machine gun.

  Deen said that in the event of a catastrophic event, volunteers would be dispatched to protect vital areas in Bossier from looters or rioters, including grocery stores, gasoline stations, hospitals, and other public meeting places:

  We feel if we prepare for the worst, we’ll definitely be able to handle the rest.46

  But is arming hastily deputized civilians and putting them in charge of vital public supplies and services really a good idea? When food is running low and zombies are walking the stre
ets, will these new lawmen look out for the interests of everyone or just those of their own friends and family?

  Undoubtedly, giving a select group of people high-powered automatic weapons and a license to kill significantly alters the balance of power in the community. It also assumes that other citizens will readily respect the new authority of their neighbors. Is Bossier Parish in a better position to handle the zombie pandemic than most, or is it even more likely to be plagued by lawlessness and violence because of Sheriff Deen’s preparedness measures? Only time will tell.

  21: YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY

  We’ve already discussed the likelihood that zombies have a substantially shorter life span than a healthy living person because their rotting bodies sink a little further back into the earth with each passing hour, day, or week. But it turns out that the dead walking the earth means decreased longevity for everyone.

  Contributing editor for Wired magazine Jonah Lehrer explains that exposure to prolonged stress can substantially shorten a human’s life. Stress can cause you to make bad decisions and engage in unnecessarily risky behavior. It can also kill you:

  Numerous studies of human longevity in developed countries have found that psychosocial factors such as stress are the single most important variable in determining the length of a life. It’s not that genes and risk factors like smoking don’t matter. It’s that our levels of stress matter more.47

  The psychological burden placed on survivors of the coming zombie plague will be as dangerous as any undead horde. If you manage to stay alive through the toughest times, make sure also to stay positive. Your attitude is what will keep you going over the long haul, so you must do whatever it takes to keep your chin up.