Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  “Did you two stay up all night again?” Rachael had shown up early to take photos as promised. She kept watching me between setups.

  “No. I told you I went home alone last night.”

  “You’re just so . . . mopey.”

  “I’m just tired. I was too nervous to sleep last night.”

  “Yeah, I can see that.” She snapped a few more photos. “I would have a hard time sleeping, too.” She put her camera down and walked over to me. “I’m so proud of you for starting this, for taking this step. It’s going to be fantastic. Now, get over there and open your business.”

  I started to go, but turned back to Rachael. “What if no one comes?”

  “People will come. It may take a little while to get it started, but people will come. You just have to open the door first.” She turned me and pushed me toward the door.

  I heard the camera click as I opened the door and turned to her. Her camera was still up and she was still taking my picture, so I flipped her off.

  “Nice. That’s going on the home page.” She stopped and turned. “No, the ‘About Me’ section.”

  I shook my head and turned the sign to show we had opened as she got her laptop out. I had only taken a few steps when the bell above the door rang. I couldn’t believe I had a customer. I turned and saw my parents walk in. I looked to Rachael, and she smiled at me and waved me off with her hands. I turned back to our parents.

  “This looks wonderful, Deb.” My mother’s praise hit me in the chest, and I looked away. “I’m so proud of you.”

  My father stepped up and wrapped his arm around my mother. “We both are. This is quite a shop you have here.”

  Things had been strained with my parents for a while, but I stopped speaking to them after they joined me for a session with Joseph. It hadn’t gone well.

  “I’m going to be honest here, Deb.” My father looked to Joseph for approval, which made me scoff. He never needed approval for anything. “I fail to see the harm in watching your siblings. I fail to see how that ruined your life. Yes, we have admitted and apologized for putting too much responsibility on you so young, but what about your childhood was so terrible that you can’t function now?”

  The look of hatred I gave my father surprised him. He hadn’t listened to anything I was saying. He was my father and I loved him very much, but I couldn’t stand the sight of him at that moment. I sat up.

  “I felt like a servant. I was an unpaid nanny so you didn’t have to hurry home. The kids need to be fed? Let Deb do it. It’s bath time? Let Deb do it. You two were too busy working and living your life to allow me to live mine!”

  “How can you say you weren’t paid? We bought you a car.”

  My laugh was humorless. “Yeah, a car I only drove the kids to their after-school activities in. I didn’t get to go out with friends or sign up for any of my own activities. I was already booked with your shit!”

  “We had to work.”

  “And I had to grow up. I never got the chance to make friends the way the other three did. Rick, Rachael, and Dennis had so many friends around, it was hard to keep up with them. And when I asked if we could create a rule to limit how many kids were over, what did you say? You said you didn’t want to limit your children. I never felt more like an outsider than I did that day.” I scoffed again. “Your children.” I stood. “I was your fucking child, too!”

  “You are still my child, and you will treat me with respect.”

  “Only those who show me respect will earn it from me.”

  My mother stayed silent throughout our argument. When I walked over to look out the window, she finally spoke. “You’re right, Deb. There were things you wanted to do after school, and I would ask you for just a little more time for me to figure out the kids. I had intended on finding other arrangements for them, but time got away from me. You were graduating before I knew it and headed off to college.

  “We did take advantage of you. I cannot make it right. I cannot give you that time back. I can only offer my deepest apology and pray one day you will forgive me.”

  I didn’t turn to her until I heard the door close. When I turned, it was only Joseph. I looked at him, puzzled. “Where did they go?”

  “To process. Your father may not quite get it yet, but your mother clearly does, and she’s bothered by it. Gloria understands her role and she feels tremendous guilt that she can’t make it right. As a parent, she only wants to make you happy, but she’s at a loss on how to do that.”

  “So, what am I supposed to do now?”

  “Give them time. Your parents need to process what you’ve known all along. They’re just now seeing what effect their decisions had on you.”

  “Dad doesn’t get it.”

  “Not yet, but he will. I guarantee this will be a topic of discussion for them for some time.”

  Rachael had walked up and hugged them both. “Isn’t this so great?”

  “Yes, it’s beautiful.” My mother looked as if she were about to cry.

  I turned and headed to the nearest display. It was fine as it was, but I needed to stay busy. It was very uncomfortable for me. I heard the bell again and figured they left, just as they left that session months ago, but I was wrong. It was an actual customer.

  I turned to greet the customer and my mother was behind me. I stopped. “I need to help them.”

  She nodded. “Come to dinner tonight. I’ll make your favorite and celebrate the opening.”

  I looked down, feeling terrible for thinking she probably didn’t even know my favorite. “Okay.” I looked back up to her. “I’ll be there.” I walked off to help the customer.

  I watched the success of her first day through my window overlooking our street. I wanted to congratulate her, but after our last exchange the previous day, I didn’t want to seem too eager. She needed to come to me. I just wasn’t sure she would.

  Watching her open her own business for the first day was inspiring. I walked down to the space under my apartment and looked around. There wasn’t much to look at, but it would’ve been the perfect spot for a restaurant. It was all planned out in my head how it would look.

  The front and center portions would have small tables for intimate seating with larger and longer tables along the sides to handle dinner parties. The bar would be toward the back, in front of the kitchen area, and it would accommodate the overflow of those waiting for tables as well as the single diners.

  The kitchen was where I would spend my every moment. I walked to the back and looked at the pitiful excuse for a kitchen the previous tenants had used. None of it was big enough. The cooktops would’ve been too overcrowded to allow anything to cook properly, and the refrigerator had no space for fresh produce. Everything they used came from a can or a jar. People could do that at home.

  I walked back out to the main room and stopped when I saw someone standing there. The sun shining behind her in the doorway made it impossible to tell who it was. “May I help you?”

  “Mick?” Rachael took another step forward.

  “Yep, that’s me.” I walked up to her and smiled. “How are you?”

  “Oh, things are great!” She looked around. “What are you doing with this space?”

  I looked at the boxes still around. “Storage.”

  She tilted her head and gave me a look of annoyance. “Yes, I see that.”

  “What did you need?”

  She shook her head. “Fine, don’t tell me. I forgot my laptop charger at home and was wondering if you had something to fit. It’s a long shot, but I really don’t want to drive an hour to get it and come back.”

  “You live an hour away?”

  “No, but round trip it’s at least an hour. I don’t want to leave her alone that long. She needs to find an employee, but we kind of wanted to see how it went first.”

  I looked out the door. “It looks good.”

  “Yeah.” She smiled. “It looks really good. She needs it, too.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I e
scorted her out the door and up to my apartment.

  “She’s had a rough time lately. I encouraged her to do this. I knew she could, but . . .” She looked at me. “I really shouldn’t say anything. It’s going very well for her, and I couldn’t be happier.”

  I smiled. “I couldn’t be happier for her, either. I’ll be right back.”

  I walked to the bedroom and grabbed my laptop charger. It might be the only time I had to discuss things with Rachael, and I needed to take the chance while I had it.

  “How’s this?”

  She tilted her laptop and plugged it in. “Yes! Thank you so much. I’ll bring it back.”

  She started to walk toward the door, but I stopped her. “I have a question.”

  “Okay.”

  “What happened to Deb?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean just that. What happened to her to make her not trust anyone? She wants nothing from me . . . well, except for one thing, but I’d like to offer her more.”

  She took a step forward. “What do you want to offer her?”

  “I’m not sure yet, but I’d like to get to know her. She won’t allow me to.”

  “Are you allowing her to get to know you?”

  “She can ask me anything.”

  “Of course she can ask, but are you volunteering anything to her?” She shook her head. “No, you probably haven’t even shown her your storage room downstairs. There’s more to that, but you hide it. You’ve got balls to expect her to tell you her demons when you won’t even discuss your dreams.

  “I like you, Mick. I’m the one who talked her into coming over here that night. Don’t make me regret it. You two would be good for each other if you’d just open up to one another.” She started for the door and turned back to me. “I won’t tell you anything she isn’t willing to talk about herself, but be prepared to hear some bad shit. If you can’t handle it, don’t ask. She doesn’t need someone else leaving her.”

  I was haunted the rest of the day by what Rachael had said. I could handle the bad shit; I saw enough of it when I was on active duty on the police force. What concerned me was the fact Deb had to go through anything at all. I wanted nothing more than to protect her, and I’d felt from the first day I met her that she needed it.

  Rachael was right about one thing: if I wanted Deb to trust me, I needed to show her I trusted her. I wasn’t sure if she wanted anything to do with trusting me, but I was sure I wanted to give her the opportunity.

  I sighed and stared at the door when someone knocked. When I checked through the peephole, Deb stood in the hallway, looking very nervous. I couldn’t get the chain off the door fast enough.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  She held up my laptop charger. “Rachael forgot to run this up to you before she left. I think she did it on purpose, but she swears she didn’t.” She held it out to me.

  “Oh, thanks.” I took it and stepped back, allowing her to come in.

  She started to and stopped. “I’m really worn out from my first day. I should just take a shower and head to bed.”

  “Have you eaten?”

  She sighed and her shoulders slumped. “Yes. I had dinner with my parents. Another reason for my exhaustion.”

  “You don’t get along with your parents?”

  “It’s complicated.” She turned to go.

  “My father hasn’t spoken to me in almost two years.”

  She stopped and turned to me. “Why?”

  I shrugged and walked into my apartment, leaving the door open for her to follow. I smiled when she did. I picked up a large tube lying on the desk and took the plans for the restaurant out. She followed me to the kitchen table where I used the salt and pepper shakers to keep the plans open.

  “I no longer wanted to follow in his footsteps. I wanted to do this.”

  She looked it over and nodded. “You really are exceptional in the kitchen.” She smiled and looked at me. “I meant the cooking, but other things were, as well.”

  I smiled. “Well, it doesn’t matter. He thinks this is something I should do when I retire and not be a career option.”

  “What does he do that he wants you to continue?”

  I stopped rolling up the papers. I hadn’t thought that far ahead into my plan to earn her trust. If she found out I was a cop, I’d never earn it. I started rolling the papers again. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “I suppose not, but it must be something he’s passionate about.”

  “You’ve got that right. He just doesn’t understand this is what I’m passionate about.”

  I walked back to the other room and set the tube back on the desk. I sat on the sofa and placed my arm on the back, hoping she would want to sit, too. I wasn’t going to pressure her, though; it had to be her decision.

  She looked at the tube and was thoughtful for a moment. “That’s a plan for downstairs, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “So, you bought this place to open your restaurant?”

  “No. My uncle died and left me his properties. He knew I would take care of them. He’s the other one who followed his dreams and was shunned for them.” I ran my hands over my face. “Shunned is a harsh word. He was still welcome to come around, but they treated him differently. You don’t quit the family business.”

  “You sound like a crime family.”

  “You could say that.” I laughed when she raised her eyebrows. “No, nothing illegal, but it’s just as strong.”

  “Oh. So, he left you everything?”

  “Yeah. I know he was trying to help. We were really close and he knew everything. He kind of made it a little more difficult for me, though, because he left money to his kids, but he left the income potential to me. They aren’t happy about that.”

  She sat next to me. “I mean no offense, but that shop was in pretty bad shape when I took it over. How was that income potential? I’m sure all the properties are like that. It’s going to take a lot of money to repair them all.”

  “You’re right. That’s why he left them to me. His kids were supposed to take care of things for him, but they rented out to anyone with first and last month’s rent. They didn’t care about checking references. They just wanted the cash.” I shrugged. “So that’s what he left them. He left me a little to fix up this place, but I haven’t touched it yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “My cousins had taken me to court over it. The judge ruled in my favor since their father left them a decent amount of cash and left me with the dump to fix up.”

  “Okay. Well, you can move on now and start fixing it up. I’d love to see you open the restaurant.”

  “You would?”

  “If it makes you happy. Life is short and shouldn’t be wished away. Don’t wish you could do this; just do it.”

  “Yeah, I just have to see if it’s worth losing my family over.”

  “From what you’ve told me, you’ve already lost them. It’s time to make you happy.” She got up and walked over to the door but paused and placed her hand on the doorknob. “There were a couple of guys in college, my ex-husband, and Al before you. Other than my husband, I always used protection.”

  I sat up straighter as she continued. I couldn’t believe she was telling me what I had asked her to the day before. I stood and walked over to her.

  “The college guys didn’t want to be a father, so they were always prepared. I was with my husband for many years, but we didn’t have sex for the last five. Al was cute but dumb. I didn’t trust his previous choices, so I always made him wear one.”

  I was behind her and startled her when I spoke. “That’s four. Who was the fifth guy?”

  She leaned back against my chest and shook her head. “Just an asshole I’d rather forget.”

  “Then let’s forget about him.” I turned her around and kissed her as I walked her back to my bedroom. She didn’t protest.

  “Hey, hey! What’s the special occasion?” I knew Blake would bust my
chops about coming out. He’d been asking for a while to get me back out to his place for dinner, but I was always busy. Truth was I didn’t want to hear his advice on how to handle the restaurant.

  We’d been friends since grade school. Our fathers were in the same unit, and we saw each other often. I helped him through college and he helped me through the Academy. It wasn’t something I was really interested in and he knew it, but it was his dream.

  “Can’t a guy just come and see his best friend?”

  “Yes, but you don’t, so I want to know what’s up?”

  “Actually, I came for your girl.”

  He shook his head. “No, you can’t have her. Well, just for a few hours. Bring her back by dinner. I get hungry when she isn’t home.”

  “I heard that!”

  “What? I told him to bring you back.”

  I followed Blake in and smiled. They loved each other no matter how much they pretended to bicker. I was surprised he hadn’t asked her to marry him yet.

  “Hi, Maria.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek.

  “Hi, Mick. Did you bring me more animals to knock out?”

  “Nope, sorry. Maybe next time.” I smiled and sat in the chair. I watched as Blake sat next to her and waited until he looked at me.

  “Wait, you weren’t kidding?” He looked between the two of us. “You really did come here just for her.” He shook his head but stood up. “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted.”

  “You’re so dramatic.” Maria threw her magazine at him. “Here, you’re better at being the girl in this relationship, so you should read that instead of me.”

  He picked it up off the floor and looked at it. His eyes got big. “Top seven ways to blow your man’s,” he waggled his eyebrows as he spoke, “mind. I’ll be the judge of that.” He started flipping through the pages as he walked away.

  Maria smirked. “Some days . . .”

  “But you trust him.”

  She sobered up and looked at me. “Of course I trust him. Unconditionally. You did, too. Or has that changed?”