by John Goode
I had always lived a life about wanting and wanting more. I had always felt a pull inside me that was never satisfied with anything I knew, which was one of the many reasons I wanted out of Foster. I wanted more than this tiny town in the middle of nowhere, more than these same blank faces I knew, just more. It wasn’t like I was biding my time so I could go out and have a lot of sex or whatever. I just felt an urge that made me want what I didn’t have yet.
It had been there every time I kissed Jennifer; it had been part of every home run I hit. There hadn’t been a moment in my life up to this point that wasn’t colored by that wanting for more in some way. I had always assumed it was because I couldn’t be myself in Foster, or that I had known deep down I would someday want to be with a man, but I had been wrong. What I felt had nothing to do with that.
I hadn’t been searching for more. I had been searching for Kyle.
When I was with him my heart slowed, my breathing became normal, and my mind just settled. I didn’t feel drugged or sleepy when he looked at me or kissed me: I felt complete. Sitting there in that chair with him in my lap, I realized I didn’t want to be at some party or in Time’s Square or anywhere else that didn’t include Kyle next to me. And if for the next sixty years we sat in a chair like this and kissed the New Year in, then I was looking at sixty incredible years.
He had to have sensed me staring at him, because he looked at me and asked, “What? Do I have something on my face?”
I shook my head and kissed him again. I was going to tell him what I’d suddenly understood, but we had all the time in the world, and I didn’t want to freak him out with all that. So we kissed and started the New Year in a perfect way.
KYLE
WAY faster than I thought possible, the last weekend before school started arrived.
In some ways it felt like we had just got out of school yesterday; in others it seemed like a year ago. I had tried to get over to Kelly’s more, but between taking care of Tyler’s store, spending time with Brad, and getting ready for school, I had no time left.
I hadn’t even been really aware how close the first day of school was, until the UPS guy woke me up the Friday before our first day back.
I wasn’t even sure who he was until he handed me his clipboard and made me sign. I scribbled something and handed it back to him. He stepped to the side and revealed a box that came up to the middle of my thigh. “All yours,” he said, walking away.
“Wait! What?” I asked as he got into his truck. He waved and drove off, leaving the box on my doorstep. I went to move it, and it barely budged. “What the fuck?” I asked out loud. I looked at the return address. The box was from Robbie’s store. For a second, I thought it might have rocks in it but rejected that idea. He’d never pay for shipping just to be mean when he could show up at my doorstep and do that in person. I pulled the tape off the box and looked inside.
It was filled with clothes. It was a box filled with neatly folded clothes with an equally neatly folded note on top. I sat there on my front step and began to read.
Dear Princess Aurora (look it up),
Before we get into the sappy shit, let’s go over a few reasons why you’re wrong. One, you’re like five and a half years old, so you know nothing about life—keep that in mind whenever you think about talking out loud. Two, you’ve known me like fifteen seconds, which means you know nothing about me. Three, because I said you are wrong. Four, see number three.
I in no way want you to look at these clothes as a backhanded admission that you might have been a little right. These clothes count as your second wish granted. The first was me agreeing to be your fairy godmother, of course. Your third and still unspoken wish is still under consideration.
Your last year of school is when everything changes, and no, this is not a speech that has anything to do with your changing body; ask Brad about that. Everything changes because you are standing in the wings of what will be your finest performance.
Real life.
High school is just a really long dress rehearsal about who you are going to be. Now, of course, some people are background characters (you) and some are just born stars (me), but everyone has to play their part to the fullest because I assure you, there is only one show. Since this is your last chance to practice, I am providing some wardrobe for you. And again, that is all this is, not me even considering your words might have some merit. So there.
In a few months you are going to get to exit this town stage right and never look back. That means you have to start dressing like a real live boy and not run around in red shorts and that idiotic cap with the feather in it. If you didn’t laugh at my Pinocchio joke, then you have no hope of understanding earth humor, my alien friend.
By the way, I don’t hate all straight people. I hate all stupid people, and the difference is not only negligible but sometimes nonexistent.
So, anyway. Enjoy the clothes and have fun at school and don’t run with scissors and all that crap. If you are waiting for me to ask you to come back to work, then you have another thing coming because you were in no way right, and I was in every way not wrong. Just saying.
The Indigo Fay
(You’re so smart, figure that out!)
I had never hated anyone I liked so much in my life.
With some effort—okay, a lot of effort—I hauled the box into the apartment and on to my room. Then, with unadulterated glee, I began rummaging through it. There were shirts and sweaters and jeans and slacks and on the very bottom four different pair of shoes, none of them sneakers. There were blazers and ties and suspenders and… well I’m sure you don’t need an itemized list, but it was pretty fucking cool to me.
I spent the rest of the morning tossing my old clothes out of my closet and replacing them with my new ones. Not only were these clothes way cooler than anything I had ever owned before this, but they were literally more clothes than I had ever owned, period. At some point, I was slipping blazers on over shirts because I had run out of hangers and refused to set them down where they might become wrinkled.
When Brad came over to pick me up for lunch, I was still trying to find room for everything. He just stared at everything in amazement and asked, “Did you rob an A&F when I wasn’t looking?”
“Robbie,” I explained, changing the shirts around so they were sorted by colors.
He scratched his head. “I thought you guys were, like, fighting.”
I nodded, placing the ties next to the blazers I thought they went with. “I think this is his way of apologizing or him trying to convince me I was wrong. Either way… clothes!” I screamed.
He laughed and sat down on my bed. “I can see that. Hmmm, maybe I should have bought you clothes instead of that phone.”
I looked over at him with a fake panicked look. “My phone? My preciousss?” I pulled the iPhone out of my pocket and clutched it close to my chest. “My precious.”
He burst out laughing and held his arms open to me. “Come here, Gollum.”
I fell into his arms and forgot about everything else for the next couple of days.
The next time I was able to find some free time for myself was the Sunday before school started. I was setting out clothes to wear when I remembered.
“Kelly!” I realized I still hadn’t talked to him about going back to class.
I changed and hightailed it over to his place. By the time I knocked on his door, it was late afternoon. His dad opened the door, and the look on his face warned me I was the last person he wanted knocking on his door. “What?” he asked bluntly.
“Is Kelly here?” I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. Honestly, did Mr. Aimes think I had another reason to be there?
“It’s a school night,” he said, not looking like he was going to budge. I almost said something along the lines of “Kelly’s not twelve. He doesn’t have a curfew.” But I avoided confronting Kelly’s dad as much as I could.
“Well, technically not yet,” I pointed out. “This is still va
cation time.”
His eyes narrowed in anger, and he looked like he was going to yell at me, but Mrs. Aimes screamed from inside the house, “Just let him in!”
He sighed and stepped aside. I tried to keep the smugness out of my expression, but I’m not sure I pulled it off.
I climbed up the stairs and paused in Kelly’s bedroom doorway. He sat at his computer, staring. “Hey,” I said, closing the door behind me.
He turned the computer off and turned around to face me. “Why am I not surprised to see you here?”
“So, I had an idea,” I said, ignoring the agitation in his voice.
“Again, why am I not surprised?” He looked two parts exhausted and two parts pissed. The combination was scary.
“So you are probably all weirded out about tomorrow, with good reason!” I added quickly when I saw him begin to get angry. “I mean, who would want to walk into school after all this? But I had an idea how to make it better.”
He didn’t say anything, but I could see he was not in a place to be open and honest about suggestions.
Taking a deep breath, I forged on. “Sit with us,” I said quickly. He gave me a confused look, and I explained. “Sit with Brad and Jennifer and all of us on the band hall steps for lunch. That way you aren’t alone, and you can show people you have friends.” He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking. “Because at first it sucked for Brad and me, but now we have this little group, and I’m betting there are more people out there who still think you’re a cool guy even after this.” Still nothing from him. “This doesn’t have to be the end of the world for you.”
“It is the end of the world for me,” he said expressionlessly. “It is the end of the world I lived in for eighteen years.”
“So then make a new one!” I urged him.
He laughed bitterly and looked away, dismissing me completely. “God! You don’t give up, do you?” He glared back at me, and I could see the pain in his eyes. “Why do you care? Why are you so on about this? I have been nothing but a dick to you since the very moment we met, and now you’re like my best friend. Why? What do you get out of this?”
Confused, I blinked a couple of times at him. I really didn’t understand the question. “I don’t get anything out of this,” I started to answer slowly. “I just want to help you.”
“Why? Because I’m a pathetic loser who needs help? Is that it, Kyle? Am I such a charity case that you’re going to try to nurse me back to health? Am I just some Adopt-a-Fag project you have to do to earn a Fag Scout merit badge? Am I so fucking weak that I look like I need help from a loser like you?” He was raging now, trying to cover the fact he was losing it.
“I don’t think you are weak at all, Kelly.” I kept my voice low and steady, trying not to show any emotion he could pick up on to amplify. “I just think you need a friend right now.”
“And you’re it?” he asked, kicking his chair back as he stood up. “You’re going to be my friend?” I nodded slowly. “Why? Why would I want to be your friend?” he demanded, angry tears running down his face.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was just offering.”
He wanted me to say more so he could attack it, but I had done this dance one too many times with my mom to take that bait. I just sat there and waited for his next attempt. “Do you honestly think I can walk back into that school after all this?” he asked. “You can’t be that stupid.”
“I don’t know, I am pretty stupid,” I said with no humor in my voice. “I know what you have gone through sucks, and the things people have done to you are bullshit, and I think you will get through it better if you have people standing next to you.”
“You think me standing by a pack of losers like you guys will even matter?”
“It’s better than standing alone,” I answered.
We stared at each other for almost a minute before he shook his head and looked away. “After everything I just said to you, you’d still want me to sit with you guys at lunch?”
Now I stood up. “I don’t give a fuck what you say to me, Kelly. I am not saying we need to be blood brothers. I’m saying I’m a person who is on your side. Not because you’re weak or because you’re down, but because what happened to you isn’t fair. Period. I would offer anyone who had been tortured like you have over Christmas break a place to eat lunch. Not out of pity, but in some small attempt to counterbalance the shittiness that is your life right now.”
He didn’t say anything, so I tried again. “So when you get to school tomorrow, stick with us. I promise you, it won’t be as bad as you think.”
He let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob as he picked up his chair and sat down. He looked up at me three times, and each time I thought he was going to say something, but he stopped himself and looked away. On the fourth try, he looked at me and gave me a strained smile. “You know, I can see what Brad sees in you.”
That took me back a few steps. “Is that a compliment? From you?”
“Don’t piss yourself, Pee Wee Herman. We aren’t picking out bridal patterns yet,” he said, sneering. “I just said I can see why he would go out with you now.”
“So sit with us.” I pleaded now. “It isn’t that bad.”
He sighed and looked down. I heard him mumble, “Yeah, it is,” but he looked back before I could comment on it and said, “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”
“For tonight,” I said, smiling.
He rolled his eyes. “Fine. Yes.”
“You’ll do it?” He nodded. “For real?” He nodded again. “Because if you’re not convinced, I can explain to you the benefits of being in a crowd when it comes to—”
“Hey! Nerd boy!” he shouted at me, stopping me cold. “I said yes; don’t push it.”
“Awesome,” I said, trying not to get too excited. “So meet us in the parking lot before school? I’ll make sure the place next to Brad’s car is open.” I paused. “Do you need a ride instead? I mean, if you don’t want to take your truck….”
He held up a hand to stop me. “I don’t need a ride. And fine, save me a space next to Brad.”
I almost jumped up and hugged him, I was so happy, but I refrained because there was no way he would be okay with that. “Okay, so then before first period?” He nodded. “Promise?”
He held up his right hand and said, “May God strike me down if I am lying.”
We both looked up for a moment, waiting for a lightning bolt.
He sighed and asked me, “Convinced?”
I was and left before he could change his mind. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew if we all worked on it, Kelly could get through the first day of school. I just knew it.
BRAD
THAT Monday, I did not want to wake up.
I just wanted to lie there and wish this Christmas break could continue forever. A lifetime of working at the sporting goods store, loving Kyle, and no school was about the closest to perfect I was going to get. It still looked like winter outside, and I just added that to the list of reasons I should not have to get up. The sky was a slate gray that looked like it was one massive cloudbank over the entire city.
“Brad, school,” my mom said, rapping on my door.
With an audible groan, I got out of bed.
I showered and dressed on autopilot as I wondered how bad today was going to be. Kyle had called me last night and told me his plan for Kelly and then asked me what I thought about it. I thought it was a horrible idea, but I told him I would back anything he wanted to do because I know that’s what he needed to hear. Kelly was poison, and his life was going to get much worse before it got better.
The part Kyle didn’t get was that all of this fallout wasn’t because Kelly got outed. It was because he had been a dick most of his life, and people were itching to pay him back. If everything that had happened to him was only about sexuality and coming out, then it would have blown over that week after the party, at least here in town. The Internet crap was just people looking for someo
ne new to hate, and Kelly fit the bill nicely.
The vandalism of his stuff, the dildos, all of that came from the fact that more people in Foster disliked Kelly than liked him, and for the first time since, well, since forever, he was alone. Like a wounded lion, he had been left behind by his pride. The hyenas he had hunted his entire life could sense he was defenseless and were moving in for the kill. I felt bad about it, of course, but I was more worried about Kyle getting caught in the crossfire than I was about Kelly himself.
On one level, Kelly had brought this on himself. If I could help, I would, but Kyle was ready to go to the mat for him, and that scared me.
It also made me love Kyle even more, but that goes without saying.
I went over all this driving to his house and wondering if there was a way to get him to understand what I was thinking. Then I sighed when I realized that Kyle, no doubt, had thought of the same things already and just didn’t care. I pulled up in front of his house and honked twice because I knew if I went inside, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off him. We didn’t need to be late the first day back.
He walked out, and he looked perfect.
Robbie had given him some damn good-looking clothes, and I had to be honest, Kyle was wearing the shit out of them. Gone was the shaggy-headed nerd who had stalked the halls, invisible. In his place stood a sharp-looking, vest-wearing stud who took my breath away.
He waved to me as he walked to the car, and I could just stare in wonderment.
“What’s that look for?” he asked, closing the passenger door. “Do I have something on my face?” I nodded mutely. He went to look in the vanity mirror on the front visor, but I stopped him. “You have hotness all over you,” I said, leaning over to kiss him. He laughed and then kissed me back.
He held my hand as we drove to school, and it reminded me of the first day we went back after coming out when all we had was each other. Somehow it felt like that all over again, except this time it was Kelly who was alone, and all he had was us. And just like that, I understood why Kyle was fighting so hard.