by John Goode
“I love you,” I said to him before we got to school.
He chuckled and looked over at me. “What was that for?”
“What? I can’t just say I love you?” I asked, sounding like I was offended.
“Usually you have a reason,” he countered.
“Well, this time I just love you. So there,” I huffed.
“Make sure you park where there’s an empty space,” he reminded me as we turned into the parking lot.
I nodded and looked for two open parking spaces. I found a pair over by the history building and parked in one of them, opening my door and leaving it open so there was no way for someone to take the space next to me. “This good enough?” I asked him.
He leaned over and kissed me quickly. “You’re my knight in a letterman jacket.”
I got out and pulled my books from the backseat. They hadn’t moved since the Friday Christmas break started. I silently hoped I hadn’t left a sandwich in my backpack accidentally. Kyle started looking around the parking lot. “Do you see his truck?” he asked. “He might have changed his mind.”
“Dude, not everyone loves school like you,” I said, putting the pack down on my trunk. “We’re lucky if Kelly is even awake right now.”
“It’s the first day back,” he said, still searching the parking lot. “Who doesn’t show up early on the first day?”
“Everyone who doesn’t want to come back to school after two weeks of vacation,” I suggested as I cautiously opened the zipper.
He walked over and opened my pack up all the way. “I emptied it out the weekend of the party,” he said, sighing. “What if he doesn’t show up?”
I wanted to tell him, “I wouldn’t blame Kelly one bit for blowing off school,” but that would just upset Kyle even more. “Well, that’s up to his parents and him, isn’t it?” He didn’t like my answer, but he couldn’t argue with it.
“Let’s wait a little longer,” he said, looking around again.
“As you wish, Buttercup,” I said, quoting from one his favorite movies.
He looked back at me with a smile and replied, “I am no one’s fairy princess.”
“Tru dat,” I said, laughing at the look of annoyance on his face.
“Look,” he said, pointing. “Maybe Jennifer knows if he’s here.”
I looked over and saw Jennifer coming from the quad. She had her phone in her hand, and she looked like she was hurt, she was walking so slowly. Kyle waved at her, and she looked up and saw us. Something was wrong. I could tell from where we stood. She did not look normal. Halfway to us, I could see she was crying.
My stomach dropped, and I suspected something far, far beyond “wrong” had happened.
“Jennifer!” Kyle called out to her when he noticed the tears on her face. “What’s wrong?”
Jennifer got to us, and we could tell she was openly sobbing now.
“What happened?” Kyle asked, concern in his voice.
Jennifer looked over at me and shook her head subtly. Kyle didn’t even catch it as he tried to figure out what was wrong with her. I felt the air rush out of me, but I knew I had to be sure, had to know. I reached over and snatched her phone from her. She lunged after it, but she couldn’t move fast enough.
I almost dropped it when I read the text message.
“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked both of us now. “Brad?”
He looked at me, and I looked away as I tried to comprehend the words I’d just read. He looked to Jennifer and then back to me. “Where’s Kelly?” I couldn’t look at him, and he asked again. “Brad, where is Kelly? Is he not coming?” He sounded like a little kid suddenly as his mind began to race toward a conclusion he couldn’t begin to accept.
I forced myself to move past my shock. “We need to go,” I said to him, trying to put some urgency in my words. “Come on.” I tried to maneuver him toward the car. “Let’s go talk somewhere.”
He pulled away from me. “What’s it say on the phone?” he asked, terror in his voice.
Phone? I looked down and was surprised to see I was still holding Jennifer’s phone. I tried to hand it back to her, and Kyle tried to snag it from me. Some part of me must have been expecting his reaction because I pulled my hand away. “Brad, what’s it say?” he pleaded. He looked at Jennifer. “Where’s Kelly?”
I looked at her, and she wiped her eyes.
“Guys, where is Kelly?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“Let’s just go,” I said to him again.
He pulled away from me. “Where is Kelly?” he demanded.
“He’s not coming,” I said cryptically. “Come on, Kyle…,” I tried again.
He lunged at me and grabbed the phone. I tried to pull it back from him, but I wasn’t ready for the speed and power he used to pull it away from me.
He looked down at the screen before I could stop him.
My heart sank as his eyes went over the text Jennifer had got from her dad.
Dad: School is going to be cancelled. Kelly shot himself last night. Go straight home.
I watched as Kyle let the phone drop from his hand.
KYLE
I DROPPED the phone like it was a snake.
Brad came toward me, but I couldn’t hear him. I backed away from both of them. He tried to put his hands on my shoulders, but I shrugged them off. I mentally screamed as loud as I could. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and it sounded like a demonic roar from a legion from hell charging over the horizon.
My mind would not process the fact Kelly was dead.
The text message was like a math problem that kept coming out wrong no matter how many times I tried to solve it. There was no way he could have…. I couldn’t even think it. I couldn’t form the words in my mind. My thoughts went from shock to sorrow to rage in about three seconds flat.
And from that rage came action.
I pushed past Brad and Jennifer and began to run toward the quad. I could hear them behind me, but I ignored them completely. There—over there. Tony and his pack of friends sat at the Round Table, laughing and talking as if nothing had happened. Tony was drinking a Coke, laughing about something one of his friends had said when I walked up to him. Something about the look on my face must have warned the pack because an uneasy silence fell. When Tony looked over his shoulder and up at me, I batted the can out of his hand.
“Are you fucking happy?” I screamed at him. His eyes went wide in shock while he tried to figure out what was going on. I didn’t plan on giving him that chance and kept screaming. “Is this what you wanted? You just couldn’t leave him alone, could you?” He just looked at me, confused. “What the fuck did he do to you?”
I accented my last words by pushing him with both hands.
He came off the table, pushing me back. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, ready to push me again.
“Kelly! What did he do to you?” I roared. I could feel Brad trying to pull me back. “What was so bad about him liking guys that you had to torture him all break?”
He gave me a sneering laugh. “Fuck that fag.” He looked back at his friends and laughed. “He got what was coming to him. Why? Are you mad we picked on your boyfriend?”
Brad stepped in front of me. “I’m his boyfriend, and Kelly killed himself, you douche.”
Everyone at the table froze at those words. Everyone but me.
I moved around Brad and pushed Tony as hard as I could. “Is that what you wanted? Did you want him dead? Because that’s what he is, and it’s your fault!” I could hear the tears in my voice as I slammed my fists into Tony’s chest. “Why couldn’t you just leave him alone?” Dumbfounded, Tony gave way and backed off, but I kept coming.
Brad tried to pull me into his arms, but I spun away from the table. The rest of the ghouls in the quad were, of course, standing around watching us. “Every single one of you fucking vultures who posted something on his wall is responsible! You killed him! You all fucking killed him!”
I
saw Mr. Raymond running across the quad, but I was done, mentally and physically.
“What’s going on here?” Mr. Raymond shouted, assuming there was a fight happening.
Just looking at him made me even madder.
“I told you this would happen!” I said, pointing my finger at the principal. “I told you that this was going to get worse, and you did nothing! Are you happy? One less abomination in the world now.”
His entire face paled at the accusation. “Mr. Stilleno, Kelly died during Christmas break. The school is in no way responsible—”
“You did nothing to change things,” I said, cutting him off. “You created an environment where this kind of hate isn’t just tolerated, but it’s silently encouraged. What did you think would happen?”
He knew I was right, and I could see it in his eyes. There was no way he could admit it out loud, but he knew I was right. “There is no school today,” he said loudly enough for the entire quad to hear. “If you do not have a ride home, please go to the office and call your parents. We will have the gym open for people to wait.” In a much lower voice, he said to me, “I think you should go home, Kyle.”
“Or what?” I said, getting right up in his face. “Am I going to go to hell for that too?”
Brad grabbed me harder this time and pulled me back. “Come on, Kyle, come on,” he pleaded. “It’s over; let’s go.”
I just stared at Mr. Raymond and Tony and his friends. “All of you fucking killed him,” I said, deflating as reality began to sink in.
I didn’t save him. I didn’t save anyone at all.
BRAD
WE went to Jennifer’s house, since there was really nowhere else for us to go.
Kyle was withdrawn and sullen. He hadn’t said one word on the car ride over, and he was equally silent when Jennifer and I began talking about the first time we’d met Kelly. We both ended up crying, and I felt like shit for treating him like I had. But no matter how upset I was, one eye was always on Kyle.
About an hour later, Robbie came bursting into Jennifer’s house, a tornado of skinny jeans and spiked hair.
“Oh my God, what happened?” he asked Jennifer, not even noticing Kyle sitting in the chair behind him.
For the first time since we got here, Kyle looked up. “What do you think happened?” he asked in a seething voice. “The big, bad homophobe got what he deserved.”
Robbie spun around, half in shock since he didn’t know Kyle was there and half in anger at his words. “Oh, so this is my fault now?”
Kyle came off the chair so fast I thought he was going to hit Robbie. “This is a lot of people’s fault. But you did absolutely nothing, so I guess you’re off the hook, right?”
Robbie opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something and then closed it again as he looked down.
“Where was your all-for-one talk with Kelly?” Kyle pressed on. “What happened to the community and looking out for each other? You know why you didn’t do anything? You want the answer?” Robbie looked up at him. “Because he wasn’t gay enough for you. He didn’t pass your internal gay test, and that meant he wasn’t eligible for compassion or help.”
It looked like Kyle was going to keep snarling at him, but Robbie slipped out a quiet “You’re right” that punched through Kyle’s pain and fury. I could see Kyle’s mental gears grind to a halt when Robbie’s words sank in. “What else do you want me to say?” Robbie asked. “It is partly my fault? I should have helped him? I am a horrible person? Fine, I just said it.”
Kyle just stood there with his mouth open, not sure what to say next.
“So now what?” Robbie asked Kyle. “You plan on holding it against me for the rest of my life? Use it as a reason to hate me?”
Kyle shrank in on himself and sat down “I don’t hate you; I hate me.” And he meant it. No melodramatics, no fishing for rescue. He meant it.
That brought me off the couch. “What?” I asked, moving past Robbie. “You did everything you could.” I moved him over and sat on the chair with him. “This isn’t your fault.”
He began to cry as he leaned into me. “I told him I’d make it better,” he sobbed. “I promised him!”
I held him as he sat there and cried. I literally had no words that would make him feel better.
Robbie went and sat down next to Jennifer. “So then Foster wins again.”
I felt Kyle’s entire body go stiff in my arms. “No,” he said, looking up. “No, not this time,” he said, his voice becoming hard as steel. “Not this time.”
We all looked at him as he stood up. I was the only one who could see his knees knocking, an aftershock reaction to the horror that had swept over us.
“I made a promise to Kelly, and I am not breaking that,” he said.
Jennifer wiped her eyes. “What can we do about it?”
He looked over to me and asked, “Where is your laptop?”
“Um, at home,” I replied hesitantly.
“Go get it,” he snapped, his voice tough as a drill sergeant’s. He looked at Jennifer. “You have a printer here, right?” She nodded. “We’re going to need to use it.”
I got up slowly. “What are we doing?”
He looked toward me, but I wasn’t sure he saw me clearly. “Not letting Foster get away with it.”
I didn’t ask anything else. Two minutes later, I went home to get my laptop.
Although it was Monday and the holiday season had ended, Foster stood mostly empty. The buildings, the trees, even the wind seemed to be holding its breath. I didn’t realize until I forced myself to breathe that I had been holding mine as well. First Jennifer’s neighborhood, and then all of Foster that I drove through looked empty. Maybe it was my imagination, but it felt like Foster was a ghost town. People hid inside or stood huddled against doors in the shadows of their front porches.
I argued with myself for a few blocks about driving by Kelly’s house or just going straight to my house. Even though I knew there would be nothing to see, part of my brain wanted proof he was gone, that this wasn’t some sick dream I was having.
My curiosity won over my caution, and I turned left, toward Kelly’s house.
A couple of police cars and an ambulance stood in front of it, and two cops were standing by the front door talking. No lights flashing, no EMTs racing in or out with a gurney— There was no need. The emergency had ended before they arrived. The front door was open, and I strained to look inside as I drove by slowly. I could see Kelly’s mom being held by Mr. Aimes. Jennifer’s dad spoke to them. I suddenly felt like some kind of ghoul voyeur and drove off fast toward my house.
Seeing all that had not made Kelly’s death seem any more real to me.
I got out of my car and went into the house; my hands shook uncontrollably as I closed the door behind me. I leaned against it, just for a second, just to have something solid to fall against because the rest of the world had gone nightmarish. Grimly, I forced myself not to cry. Not yet. Kyle—I had to get back to Kyle.
I was so engrossed in my own sorrow I didn’t even notice my mom walking out of the kitchen.
“Brad,” she exclaimed, rushing toward me. She put her arms around me and hugged me close. “I just heard….”
The smell of booze was like a blanket wrapped around her.
I pulled back, disgusted, and she stumbled forward, unable to keep her balance. “Are you kidding me?” I asked her. “You think this is the best time to get wasted?”
“I was just worried…,” she began to explain, her words slurring slightly.
“If you were worried, then you wouldn’t be smashed. What if I needed you?” I demanded. “What if I was in trouble? Goddammit, I need a mother all the time. Not just when you decide to sober up and remember you have a son!”
She stood there, gaping at me as if I had slapped her.
“This is the most important time of my life; the choices I make in the next six months are going to decide the rest of my life!” I felt the wave of the future threat
ening to crash down on me. “I need help, I need parents!” I didn’t say the rest of what I thought: “I need Kyle. I need Kelly not to be dead.” Because hearing myself say those words would break me.
She shook her head. “You’re just upset about Kelly.” She put her hand up to stroke my face.
I batted it aside.
“Yes, I am upset. But that isn’t about this,” I raged at her, pointing at the glass in her hand. “If you don’t change, if you and dad don’t get your shit together—” I took a deep breath to steady myself. “—don’t expect to hear from me after I move away.”
She looked at me, half-sauced, boozily shocked at my words.
I ignored her and ran up the stairs to my room. I grabbed my laptop and the charger off my desk quickly and headed back downstairs. I passed my mom halfway down the stairs. “Brad!” she called out to me. “Where are you going?”
I didn’t even turn around. “Why does it matter? You aren’t going to remember this anyway!” And slammed the door behind me. I tossed the laptop on the passenger’s seat and forced myself to calm down. The calm lasted until I’d slid behind the steering wheel. Then I screamed as loud as I could as I pummeled the steering wheel with both fists. Angry tears ran down my face, and I honestly didn’t know if I was crying for Kelly or for me anymore.
I was just crying.
Who knows how long I might have sat there if my phone hadn’t beeped. Kyle had sent a text message, asking me if I was okay.
I took a deep breath and started the car. If I wasn’t going to keep it together for me, I’d keep it together for Kyle. I drove straight back to Jennifer’s house, knowing I would never drive by Kelly’s house again.
KYLE
I HAD outlined my plan to Jennifer and Robbie while Brad got his laptop.
Both of them were looking at me like I was nuts. Robbie, in fact, just came out and said it. “You’re nuts,” he said after a few minutes of silence. “You’ll get kicked out of school.”