by Alicia Rae
“Okay, can you give us just a minute? If I ask her to stand now, she might faint.”
“Sure.” The flight attendant nodded and left.
Kyle stood and looked at me. “Ready?” His hand reached out for mine.
I shook my head. No. I’m not ready.
“Yes, you are. You got this. Moving forward, remember? Come on, I’m right here with you.”
“I’m not ready. Maybe I need more time,” I stated, unsure of what to do.
“No, you don’t need more time. You just need a distraction,” Kyle replied, rubbing his jaw. “Do you want me to give you a play-by-play of what your little red lingerie and heels did to me last night? Maybe getting you hot and bothered would make the next hour or so easier—”
“No!” I let out a deep breath as I looked up at him and grabbed his hand. “You can only get me hot and bothered in private.”
Kyle smiled in triumph. “That’s my girl.”
As we pulled into my aunt and uncle’s driveway, everything looked so familiar. It hardly felt as though three years had passed by. My aunt and uncle had a white two-story home with baby blue shutters and matching blue mailbox. Tall green shrubs outlined the perimeter of the house with various brightly colored flowers in front. I had always enjoyed the homey presence of their house.
I sat in their driveway, knowing that their lives had stayed the same while mine had been completely flipped upside down. It was a bittersweet moment. I was looking forward to seeing them again, but at the same time, I also thought about how they were still able to come home every day and see their family. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but it was just the way that it was. Seeing them would be a painful reminder of what I had once had.
Kyle put our rental in park and turned off the engine.
“Breathe, Lily. Breathe. You’re white as a ghost,” Kyle said nervously.
I closed my eyes and breathed in and out, trying to calm my nerves. Kyle rested his hand over mine.
“If you need a breather, just tell me, and we’ll go and take a drive anytime you want. Okay?” His eyes were sincere.
I took one last deep breath and smiled at him. I was so thankful that he was with me, so I did not have to do this alone.
“Okay.” I breathed. “And, Kyle?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
He smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I turned my head back to the house. I was getting ready to open my door when I noticed my youngest cousin, Damon, walking up to the car.
Damon and I had been the closest when we were growing up. It was partially because of our age since he was a year older, but we also had just clicked the best. Damon was very tall and fairly broad with brown hair and blue eyes. His hair was much longer than I could ever remember him letting it grow. The look fit him well.
Damon opened my door for me and knelt down to my level. His smile was soft and gentle as our unspoken secret language passed between us.
“How’s my best girl?”
Oh. I had not realized how much I missed this man until now. Unable to control myself as so many feelings overwhelmed me, I launched my arms around Damon’s neck. I felt my tears wetting his shirt as he held me.
“I missed you, too, Lil.” Damon’s grip tightened. “So much. We all did.”
Kyle was standing next to me when Damon set me down.
“Damon, this is Kyle Madison…my boyfriend.” I stunned myself into silence at the word boyfriend. It was the first time I had used the word.
Kyle stepped in, not missing a beat. “Hey, man. I’m Kyle. Nice to meet you.”
Damon shook his hand. “I’m Damon. Nice to meet you, too.” He smiled. “Any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine.”
Kyle nodded. “Thanks, man.”
Damon looked over at me. “Hey, kid. Snap out of it.” He playfully pulled me into a hug. “Come on, let’s go find the others and get you guys settled in. We’ve all been waiting.”
Kyle held my hand as we walked into the house. A familiar scent instantly invaded my nose, and I took a deep breath, remembering how my aunt’s house always smelled of cinnamon. I was glad that had not changed.
Aunt Lucie practically ran into the foyer, and she pulled me into a hug. “Lily,” she breathed, emotions strong in her voice. “You’re here. You finally came home.”
“Let’s not suffocate her, dear,” Uncle Dan suggested happily.
Aunt Lucie pulled back and chuckled. “Sorry. I’m just so happy to see you.” She touched my cheek. “We are so glad you came home.”
I smiled. “I’m glad to be here, too, Aunt Lucie. I missed you all.”
Uncle Dan stepped forward for a hug. “My turn. I’ve waited three years to hug my niece.”
Stepping out of Uncle Dan’s embrace, I gestured to Kyle. “Aunt Lucie, Uncle Dan, this is Kyle Madison, my boyfriend. Kyle, this is Lucie and Dan.”
There. See? It came out easier the second time.
“Nice to meet you, Kyle,” Aunt Lucie beamed. “I’m so grateful Lily has met such a good man to be with. Thank you. Thank you for bringing her home.” My aunt was now almost in tears.
I blushed at my aunt’s speech.
I opened my mouth to speak, but my Uncle Dan beat me to it. “Good to meet you, boy.” My uncle gave Kyle a firm man-to-man handshake.
I looked around for my other two cousins. “Where are Jason and Blake?”
“Jason should be home any minute. I sent him to the grocery store for dinner. I thought you’d be starving. Blake flies home tomorrow,” Aunt Lucie said the last word softly. “He is still in the Navy SEALS, so he flies in early and has to head out after dinner tomorrow. It’s obviously a very short visit, but at least he gets to come home.”
Oh god. Tomorrow. I wrapped my arms around myself. Kyle sensed my uneasiness and gave me a supportive smile as he rested his hand on my back.
“Oh, okay,” I said.
“How about we go into the kitchen, dear? I thought we would eat at about four o’clock, so I should probably get cooking.”
“Would you like some help?” I offered.
Aunt Lucie smiled. “That would be great.”
In the kitchen, I started chopping up fruit. Aunt Lucie was the best at picking out the ripest of fresh fruit and veggies. I had always loved to watch her cook as well. She took pride in preparing the food and serving her family. She had never worked outside of the home. She’d stayed home and raised her boys good and proper…well, as much as she could for three boys, which was challenging all by itself.
Kyle was sitting in the living room with Uncle Dan and Damon. They all had a beer in their hands while yelling at the baseball game on TV. I shook my head. Men and their sports.
I finished slicing the watermelon and cantaloupe and put them into the fruit bowl. Next, I added blueberries, grapes, and strawberries. We always used to make different kinds of fruit bowls as kids. We’d mix together the different citrus tastes to see which ones we liked the best.
The back kitchen door opened. Jason walked in with two large grocery bags and set them on the counter. I stared at him, taking in the sight of him. Jason was the tallest, broadest, and meanest of all of my cousins. He was definitely the overprotective type, too. He had a great heart and would do anything for anyone. It was in his nature to help others.
Jason gave me a broad grin. “You came.” He walked closer, his smile widening. “I thought I was going to have to go to Florida and haul you over my shoulder.”
I smiled back at him. “I made it.”
Jason stalked over to me and pulled me into a big bear hug, taking my feet right off the ground.
“Missed you, Lil,” he murmured with sadness in his voice. Jason wasn’t one to show too many emotions. That would ruin his badass demeanor. He kissed my cheek, and then he quickly turned playful as he set me down. “I’ve got no one to pick on these days.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m sure you have plenty of people to pick on. You never had a p
roblem before.”
He laughed. “True.”
“Time to eat!” Aunt Lucie called loudly.
That usually did the trick to get all the boys stampeding into the kitchen.
I winced, rubbing my ear. Aunt Lucie always did have some vocals on her. Some things never changed.
When Kyle walked into the kitchen, Jason paused, sizing Kyle up. Oh jeez, here we go.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Jason! That’s no way to greet a guest!” Aunt Lucie scolded.
“Jason!” Uncle Dan warned.
My breath caught as Kyle walked right up to Jason. They were almost eye-to-eye. Jason was just a tad taller, but Kyle was much broader and had a lot more muscle.
Kyle put out his hand. “I’m Kyle Madison, Lily’s boyfriend.”
Jason’s eyes widened. “Boyfriend?”
Kyle’s voice never hesitated. He was clearly not the type to back down. “That’s right—boyfriend.”
“Huh,” Jason huffed and reached out his hand. “I’m Jason, Lily’s oldest cousin.”
Kyle smiled. “Nice to meet you, Jason.”
“Likewise,” Jason replied. “I think, or I guess I will find out soon enough.”
We all laughed softly at the table. Once someone got past Jason’s rough badass image, he was really quite the softy. He did carry a big brother persona though, so as long as no one ever messed with any of his family members, he was okay. But if someone did, look out.
“Alright, boys, let’s eat.” Dan gestured for them to sit at the table.
I smiled up at my family as we ate dinner. Wow, I missed this. Everyone was gathered around the table, talking, laughing, and exchanging stories. The past three years had been very lonely for me. At times, I had craved that aloneness, but at other times, I had hated it. I guessed it was my own journey that I had needed to experience.
After dinner, we all sat on the patio furniture in the backyard. Uncle Dan, Aunt Lucie, Kyle, and Damon all started to play poker. Jason and I sat back and watched.
“Hey, Lil, remember when we used to go out on the trails with our four-wheelers, and you’d get stuck halfway up that big hill?” Damon asked, laughing while placing a card on the table.
“I remember,” Jason joined in. “She would scream and hug her handlebars as the four-wheeler slid down the muddy hill in slow motion.”
Jason and Damon snickered uncontrollably.
“Ha-ha. Hey, Jason?” I turned my attention toward him first. “Remember when you got stuck in that deep mud pit over behind Zach’s yard?”
Jason scrunched up his face and then frowned. “Yeah, my four-wheeler died.”
I shook my head as Damon glared at me, trying not to laugh.
“Don’t tell him, Lil! He’ll kick my ass!” Damon yelled.
“Damon drained your gas tank, so you’d run out on the trail.” I smirked.
Damon threw his head back, chortling at the memory. Even Aunt Lucie and Uncle Dan tried to stifle back their amusement.
“You fucker!” Jason stood and glared at Damon.
Damon stopped laughing, fearing his own brother.
“I had to walk home two miles to tell Pops and Uncle Henry. And then, I had to stay off of it the rest of the day for being irresponsible. I’m gonna kick your—”
“Jason, honey…” Aunt Lucie was trying hard to keep a straight face. “That was a long time ago. Sit down.”
Kyle and Uncle Dan were chuckling, completely distracted from their poker game.
Aunt Lucie sighed. “I was standing next to your Uncle Henry when you told him your story of how you ran out of gas. I think he eventually figured out what happened, but he didn’t want to say anything.” Aunt Lucie frowned and paused. “I can’t believe that my brother will have been gone three years tomorrow.”
I held my breath as the others all instantly looked at me. I barely noticed as I was trying to control my own feelings.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be three years. And I’m home.
I got up abruptly, scraping my chair along the concrete. Kyle was at my side by the time I turned my head.
Jason and Damon stood up, watching me. Uncle Dan headed for the kitchen, mumbling something about putting away those few groceries.
“Lily, I’m so sorry.” Aunt Lucie stood up quickly and walked to my side. She placed her hand on top of mine. “I wasn’t thinking. Sometimes, it just slips out.” She shook her head, upset with herself.
I instantly felt bad for my reaction. I was making her feel like it was her fault. It was not her fault that I was still a mess. They were all to the point of coping well, but I was not there yet.
I shook my head. “Aunt Lucie, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t say anything wrong. It’s me. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.” I could hear the fear in my own voice. My heart rate was increasing quickly.
Kyle pulled me into his embrace. He whispered in my ear, “It’s alright, Lily. Let’s go take a breather.” He turned to face my aunt and cousins. “I’m going to take Lily out for some fresh air. Do you have a local store around here where we can pick up some toiletries while we are out?”
Aunt Lucie nodded, sadness and regret reflected across her face. She looked as if she was in pain, too. Her mouth parted, like she had something she wanted to tell me, but then she hesitated. I could not hear anything more right now. I was too overwhelmed.
“There’s a store about four miles east from here. Just go back to the main road, and it will take you straight into town. When you hit the stoplight, take a right, and you can’t miss it,” Jason answered for Aunt Lucie.
“Got it,” Kyle replied. “Thank you. We’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
Jason walked to the picnic table, wrote down his number, and handed the piece of paper to Kyle. “Here. If you need anything, call me.”
Kyle nodded and put the paper in his pocket. “Thanks.”
Kyle and I walked through the convenience store and grabbed a few things that we needed. He was very quiet, leaving me with my thoughts. I could not shake my father out of my mind. I remembered him telling us all about Jason’s little adventure that night when he had gotten home. He had laughed, saying that boys would be boys. My father had been glad that he’d had all the girls and my aunt had had all the boys. He’d thought that it was an interesting way to watch children grow up. He’d probably felt that way because he had a sister.
Back in the car, Kyle was becoming restless, and I had a feeling questions would start at any moment. I could see tension rolling off of him while he fought for keeping his silence. I knew he was trying to give me space.
On the drive back, I looked straight ahead and watched the trees pass by, one at a time. I wasn’t sure if Kyle knew where he was going or not, but I still remembered the roads well enough to get us home. Being born and raised here, it probably wasn’t something I would ever forget.
Kyle’s hand found mine. I looked down at our hands, wishing I could erase that terrible day from my memory.
“Talk to me, Lily.”
I sighed, knowing he was going to make me work my way through these feelings whether I wanted to or not. I found myself wanting to talk because he usually always made me feel better. “I wasn’t prepared to hear about my dad or to hear the sadness in someone else’s voice.” I exhaled heavily and wiped away a tear that had fallen down my cheek.
I turned, facing Kyle, and leaned my head against the headrest as he continued to drive. Hopefully, he would not get us lost.
“That is understandable. You haven’t been around anyone that would talk about him, so it caught you off-guard,” he responded with his eyes still on the road.
I nodded slowly in agreement. “That’s a good way of looking at it. You are so perceptive sometimes,” I teased.
Kyle laughed. “I believe my mother used to say that I was the analytical child and that I always tried to figure out all the possible outcomes of any given situation.”
“That makes sense,”
I said, turning my head to look out the window again.
The car was getting hot. Letting go of Kyle’s hand, I turned the air on cool. Looking up to turn the air vents, I got a glimpse of the road we were on. Correction—the highway we were on.
My eyes widened in surprise as my pulse exploded into overdrive. “STOP! STOP! GO BACK!” I screamed. I pushed my back against the seat as hard as I could while my eyes blurred with tears.
“Lily, I can’t stop on the highway. What’s wrong?” Kyle asked, trying to keep control and not panic.
I could see the wheels turning in his head as he figured it out. His hand reached out for mine again to comfort me, but it was too late. It would not help for this.
“STOP! Or turn around! Go back!” I cried, becoming completely hysterical as my chest filled with a sharp pain. My lungs felt heavy, and my uneven breaths grew deeper as I gasped for air. My whole body began trembling as the spot came into view.
I barely noticed when Kyle had parked until he pulled me onto his lap. We were parked well off to the side of the highway where cars could not see us or hit us.
“I’m so sorry, Lily,” Kyle said.
He stroked the nape of my neck and back as I cried against him. I squeezed my knees around the sides of his waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again.
Huge sobs shook my body while all the memories flooded my mind.
I cried for my beautiful, sweet loving Mom, who had always made time for us and had told me she loved me every day. She’d had one of the kindest hearts I had ever known. I missed her so much.
I cried for my father, who had been the greatest man I had ever known. Every day, he’d wanted to be a part of my life, asking me how my day went and what I did. He had been my hero, growing up.
I cried for my loving sister, who had been my best friend. We could tell each other anything. I sobbed for the life and experiences that she had yet to live. She would never get the chance to fall in love and get married, make a home and a family, have children to love and raise them into adults. She had been a caring, kindhearted soul. She had been my other half.
I cried for my family…that I had lost. I cried because I wanted them back and because I knew that would never be possible.