The Sweet Spot

by Ariel Ellman

  “Well we don’t have a good track record with birth control,” Sebastian whispered as he finally pushed inside Ani with a moan.

  “Oh my God, Bast,” Ani wept as he filled her, joining their bodies together after fifteen years apart.

  “I love you Ani,” Sebastian whispered, thrusting into her fiercely. “I love you,” he whispered again as he buried his face in her breasts and poured himself into her with a deep, soul-wrenching moan.

  “I love you too,” Ani admitted with a sob, feeling Sebastian’s tears trickle down her breasts as she realized that she’d just said the identical words to her husband only hours earlier when he’d claimed her body in the exact same way.

  Ani and Sebastian fell asleep in each other’s arms as the dawn light broke through the sky and filtered into the apartment, bathing them in muted shades of orange and yellow.

  When Ani opened her eyes sleepily a few hours later, she met Sebastian’s deep green eyes. He was lying on his side, trailing his fingers across her naked shoulders as he stared down at her with a thoughtful expression.

  “What are you thinking about?” Ani asked softly.

  “You,” Sebastian replied, leaning down and catching Ani’s bottom lip between his teeth.

  “What do the teardrops represent?” Ani asked quietly, reaching up and trailing her fingers under Sebastian’s eye.

  “Prison teardrop tattoos can mean a lot of different things to different people,” Sebastian replied evasively. “Some people get them to represent lives that they’ve taken. Others get them for lives that they mourn, lives that they’ve lost.” His voice was thick with sorrow.

  “What do these mean to you?” Ani asked, refusing to be deterred.

  “Everything,” Sebastian replied softly.

  “Which lives?” Ani persisted, wrapping her legs around Sebastian and pulling him down on top of her.

  “All of them,” he murmured sadly.

  Ani raised her eyebrow quizzically as she continued to trace the two teardrops with her fingers.

  “When I first did them, I just did the outline of the tear drops for Raffi and Eva,” Sebastian admitted.

  “You did them yourself?” Ani asked in disbelief. Sebastian nodded in reply, covering Ani’s fingers with his own as he traced the teardrops on his face in memory.

  “Then I filled them in for the lives that I took,” Sebastian explained, pressing Ani’s hand to his face.

  “Why did you do two filled-in teardrops instead of four outlines?” Ani asked, pulling Sebastian’s hand away from the tattoos and replacing his fingers with her lips.

  “Because the lives that I took and the lives that I lost are all intertwined,” Sebastian answered, his eyes locking with Ani’s.

  “They are,” Ani breathed in agreement, pressing her forehead against Sebastian’s and closing her eyes. “Everything about us is intertwined,” she whispered hopelessly. “And I don’t know how to separate any of it Bast. I don’t know how to separate any of it.”

  Ani and Sebastian spent the rest of the day wrapped around each other in bed, relearning each other’s bodies, discovering the changes and the things that were the same. They got up to go to the bathroom twice and Sebastian brought them cold bacon sandwiches and strawberries in bed, which they fed each other in-between caresses and whispered words of love. Ani’s phone dinged across the room from the pocket of her wet jeans several times, announcing a series of texts throughout the day and she steadfastly ignored it until it began to ring at four o’clock.

  “A?” Sawyer’s voice filled Ani’s ear when she finally crawled out of bed and retrieved her phone.

  “Hey,” Ani replied warily.

  “You okay?” Sawyer asked softly.

  “Uh huh,” Ani replied.

  “So, I just thought I should let you know that I locked the bakery up at closing and took Raffi home with me when she arrived after school,” Sawyer said pointedly.

  “Thanks,” Ani replied weakly.

  “Are you planning on coming back any time soon?” Sawyer asked in exasperation.

  “Is Raffi okay?” Ani asked, avoiding the question.

  “She’s fine,” Sawyer sighed. “We just finished homework and are going downstairs to Mama’s for pizza in a little while.”

  “That’s good,” Ani whispered, leaning back into Sebastian’s arms as he came up behind her and wrapped his hands around her waist.

  “What am I supposed to tell Jordan when I bring her home A?” Sawyer asked, her voice filled with frustration.

  “I’ll pick her up at your apartment in an hour,” Ani replied, hanging up the phone before Sawyer could ask her any more questions.

  “Are you leaving now?” Sebastian lowered his face down to kiss Ani’s neck.

  “Yes,” Ani replied softly, shutting her phone off at the sight of the unread texts from Jordan. “Were you supposed to go out on the boat with your dad today?” She turned around in Sebastian’s arms.

  “Not in this storm,” Sebastian replied, sliding his hands over Ani’s bare ass and pressing her against him.

  “I have to get dressed,” Ani laughed, untangling herself from Sebastian’s arms as he tried to kiss her.

  “Come out with me tomorrow,” Sebastian coaxed, pulling Ani back into his arms. “Come lobstering with me.”

  “I have to bake,” Ani protested, slipping out of Sebastian’s arms again, and pulling on her wet jeans.

  “You can’t put that wet stuff back on,” Sebastian protested, grabbing the wet clothes away from Ani. “You can wear mine.” He tossed a t-shirt and pair of jeans over to Ani. She slid Sebastian’s soft t-shirt over her head and inhaled deeply, meeting his eyes as she pulled her hair free from the neck of the shirt.

  “I can’t believe your jeans fit me,” she exclaimed, zipping up Sebastian’s faded blue jeans and rolling the bottoms up. “How are you in even better shape at thirty-three than you were at seventeen, playing high school football?”

  “Prison has its benefits,” Sebastian replied with a grin, slipping Ani’s arms into a dark blue hoodie and zipping it up. “You look sixteen again.” He stared at Ani standing before him in his jeans and hooded sweatshirt. “You were always stealing my clothes in high school.” Sebastian pulled Ani against him.

  “I wanted to be surrounded by your smell,” Ani whispered back, burying her face against Sebastian’s neck. “Tell me why you refused parole,” she demanded, sliding her hands over the bells on his back. “Tell me why you insisted on serving your full sentence, bell call to bell call.”

  “I wanted to be free,” Sebastian choked, moving Ani’s hands down from the bells to the cross on the church spire. “Sentence served.” He moved Ani’s hands up to the sunset and birds. “Free.”

  “But you would have been out of prison,” Ani cried, trying to understand.

  “Out on parole, not free,” Sebastian whispered back. “I was so young Ani. You have no idea what it was like to turn eighteen behind those bars, to grow up in prison. By the time I came up for parole, I was twenty-four, I had come of age inside, and I knew that if I got out and tasted freedom again, I’d never survive if I got sent back inside. You have no idea how many people I saw get out on parole only to be tossed back inside for a parole violation. I just couldn’t do it. I was so scared. I couldn’t face coming home to you and losing you again. I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to serve my sentence and be free again,” Sebastian choked, staring at Ani with wet eyes.

  “Sentence served, bell call to bell call,” Ani whispered, kissing Sebastian’s eyes and turning him around to press her face against his back. “You’re free now, and you’ll never lose me again.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Nice clothes,” Sawyer commented when Ani showed up at her apartment to pick up Raffi.

  “Thanks,” Ani replied, refusing to rise to Sawyer’s bait. “Is Raffi ready to go?” Ani had sat in her car around the corner from Sebastian’s apartment reading Jordan’s texts before she drove over to Sawyer’s
. He said he was coming home early so she wanted to get home before he did.

  “You’re welcome for today,” Sawyer said pointedly as Ani gathered up Raffi’s backpack and lunchbox.

  “Soy,” Ani sighed.

  “Let me guess, you just can’t talk about it?” Sawyer hissed at her sister as Raffi walked into the room.

  “Soy,” Ani began.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing A,” Sawyer interrupted, turning away from her and walking out of the room.

  “Bye Aunt Sawyer,” Raffi called as she followed her mother out of the apartment.

  “Bye sweet pea,” Sawyer called back to her niece, ignoring her sister as Ani walked out the door with Raffi.

  “How was your day?” Ani asked her daughter as they settled into the car and drove home.

  “Fine,” Raffi replied, proceeding to tell her mother about a girl who got in trouble at school for copying her friend’s homework and all of the toppings that Aunt Sawyer had let her get on her pizza. “Did you get all of your errands done?” Raffi asked her mother.

  “Hmmm, yeah,” Ani replied, realizing that she had no idea what excuse Sawyer had given her daughter for her absence this afternoon.

  As soon as they got home, Ani ran upstairs to her bedroom and locked the door, peeling off Sebastian’s clothes and jumping into the shower in the master bathroom as the first tears fell.

  “Fuck,” she whispered, leaning her head against the tiled wall. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she wept as she dried off and folded Sebastian’s clothes up and hid them on the back shelf of her closet.

  Jordan was bringing dinner home - her favorite pasta from the Italian restaurant near the hospital. Ani quickly blow-dried her hair and dressed for the third time that day, trading Sebastian’s jeans and t-shirt for a soft purple cashmere sweater dress. She swiped mascara over her wet lashes and lined her eyes with smoky blue eyeliner and a light dusting of sparkling green eye shadow. The effect was sexy but subtle, and Ani added a dark Italian leather belt and high-heeled suede boots to complete her outfit.

  “Ani, sweetheart?” she heard Jordan call from downstairs, and she opened the door to her bedroom and took a deep breath before going downstairs to join her husband and daughter. “You look beautiful,” Jordan said, walking over to Ani and kissing her softly.

  “Thanks,” Ani whispered in reply, stepping away and walking over to the bag of food that Jordan had placed on the kitchen island. “Thanks for bringing dinner home, this looks great,” she smiled, taking the containers out of the bag and grabbing plates and silverware.

  “Can I go watch TV since I already ate with Aunt Sawyer?” Raffi asked, grabbing a cookie out of the jar on the counter.

  “Sure,” Ani replied, relieved to have Raffi out of the kitchen before she started talking about her day with Sawyer.

  “Raffi ate with Sawyer?” Jordan asked, raising his eyebrow as he opened up the containers and filled their plates.

  “Yeah, I had some stuff to do so Sawyer took Raffi home with her after school,” Ani murmured, twirling a forkful of pasta around on her plate.

  “Wine?” Jordan asked, pouring wine into a wine glass and setting it down in front of Ani.

  “Jordan,” Ani began, staring down at her food, unable to meet her husband’s eyes.

  “Ani,” he replied, mimicking her use of his name as he reached across the island and took her hand in his.

  “We need to talk about some stuff,” Ani whispered, still not looking up from her plate.

  “Okay,” Jordan replied, rubbing her hand softly with his fingers.

  “How come you never told me I was named after a friend of mommy’s?” Raffi interrupted as she suddenly appeared in the doorway of the kitchen.

  “What are you talking about?” Jordan asked, looking puzzled as his daughter walked over to the cookie jar to take another cookie.

  “Mommy’s friend Sebastian said that I was named after his little brother who was a very special person,” Raffi said with a frown. “He said that mommy should have told me.” Raffi looked at Ani accusingly.

  “What else did mommy’s friend Sebastian tell you?” Jordan asked calmly as he raised his wine glass to his lips and stared across the table at Ani.

  “Raffi,” Ani began, lowering her head into her hands.

  “He said that maybe the reason that mommy wouldn’t make me a lemon cake for my birthday was because lemons make her sad and that I make her happy,” Raffi whispered, suddenly sensing the change in the air between her parents.

  “Did he say why lemons make her sad?” Jordan asked his daughter, taking a large gulp of wine.

  “Because she used to make lemon bars for him,” Raffi explained, her eyes widening as her mother’s shoulders began to shake and she started to cry. “I’m sorry I talked about the lemon bars again mommy,” Raffi whispered, walking over to Ani and putting her arms around her. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

  “Raffi, go finish watching TV,” Jordan told his daughter quietly.

  “But I don’t want to,” Raffi complained, hugging her mother tighter.

  “It’s okay Raffi, daddy’s right, go finish watching TV and we’ll talk about all of this later, okay?” Ani choked, returning her daughter’s hug and pushing her away.

  “You named our daughter after someone and didn’t even tell me?” Jordan said quietly after Raffi left the room. “Jesus Ani, you cried last night about not wanting to hurt Raffi, and yet you place her at the heart of everything by naming her after someone that you can’t even talk about, someone who you’ve never even told me existed!” Jordan exploded. “That’s why you cried your heart out when you filled out her birth certificate isn’t it? That’s why you wear the St. Raphael medal? God Ani, I’m so fucking tired of your secrets!” Jordan exhaled, running his fingers through his thick dark hair that was just starting to show signs of a distinguished grey.

  “I’m sorry,” Ani whispered, raising haunted eyes up to meet her husband’s angry gaze.

  “I’m so fucking angry at you right now,” Jordan whispered, his voice filling with emotion. “And then you look at me with those eyes, those deep ocean blue eyes filled with secrets and pain and I just want to hold you and kiss all of your sadness away.” His eyes glistened with unshed tears as he stared at Ani across the kitchen island.

  “I think I should move out,” Ani choked in reply.

  “Why?” Jordan asked hoarsely. “After all these years of secrets will you at least tell me why?”

  “I don’t know how to fix this,” Ani whispered helplessly, staring at her husband with her heart in her eyes. “There’s no way to fix this.”

  “Just talk to me Ani,” Jordan pleaded, walking over to Ani and slipping his arms around her shaking shoulders. “For once in your life, just fucking talk to me.”

  “It’s so complicated Jordan, I just don’t know how to begin,” Ani confessed, leaning her head against her husband’s chest sadly. “I’m going to take Raffi and stay at Sawyer’s tonight. I need some time to figure everything out,” she whispered, pulling away and rising up.

  Jordan was silent as he watched his wife walk out of the kitchen and go into the den to get their daughter.

  When Ani appeared on her sister’s doorstep a half hour later, Sawyer took in her overnight bag without a word, holding the door open for Ani and Raffi.

  “Should we go read Pippi Lockingstocking?” Sawyer asked Raffi, ruffling her niece’s hair as she led her into the guestroom to give her sister a minute to collect herself.

  “Why are we sleeping here tonight?” Raffi whispered to her aunt, following her into the bedroom as her eyes filled with tears.

  “Oh sweet pea,” Sawyer sighed, gathering her niece into her arms.

  “I think I did something bad,” Raffi hiccupped, choking on a sob.

  “No sweet pea, no. This has nothing to do with you,” Sawyer assured Raffi, smoothing the hair back from her face.

  “I said something to my dad about my name,” Raffi confessed
with a sniffle. “I asked him why they never told me that I was named after mommy’s friend’s brother, and then my dad told me to leave the kitchen, but I stayed by the door and listened. I listened, and my dad yelled at my mom, and they were crying, and my mom said she was moving out, and it’s all my fault.”

  “No, baby, no,” Sawyer soothed, hugging Raffi tightly. “None of this is your fault, I promise.”

  “It is my fault,” Raffi insisted. “And now they’re probably going to get divorced like my friend Erin’s parents, and it’s all because I asked about my name and talked about the lemon bars.” Raffi wept, lifting tear-filled eyes up to her aunt’s face. “And I knew I shouldn’t talk about it Aunt Sawyer. I knew that I shouldn’t talk about Sebastian and the lemon bars or my name. I knew because mommy never talks about it, but I did anyway.” Raffi buried her face in Sawyer’s lap with a sob.

  “Your mother should have talked about it, Raffi,” Sawyer replied sadly. “It’s okay that you asked about your name, it’s good that you talked about it.” She kissed her niece gently.

  “Will you tell me about the other Raffi?” Sawyer’s niece asked her aunt with sad eyes. “Will you tell me about the person I’m named after?”

  Sawyer bit her lip, staring across the room as her mind flooded with memories of Sebastian’s brother Raphael. Only ten months apart, referred to as Irish twins, he and Bast were inseparable growing up, but night and day in their personalities. Raffi was devilish and a little wild, where Sebastian was serious and responsible. Everyone loved Raffi. He was like a streak of lightening on the soccer field, scoring goal after goal as he shredded the opposing team’s defense. He was irresistible with his dark hair, freckles and green eyes. He could charm the habit off a nun and often did, always getting an extra cookie at church after Mass on Sundays. They all loved him. Sometimes Sawyer used to think that Sebastian was so responsible and good just so that Raffi could be wild and carefree. Sebastian was the one who got straight A’s and a full scholarship to college, while Raffi skated by in school with C’s and hauled lobster pots with their father. Raffi never wanted to leave home like Sebastian and carve out a different life. He loved the sea and wanted to spend his days on their dad’s boat, baiting lobster pots and hauling in their catch together. There was never any question about what Raffi would do when he finished high school.