Nerdgasm (Naughty Nerds)

by Kimberly Reese

  “You are trying to change me. My ex tried to do that, and everyone who g-gets on me about m-my stutter is unconsciously doing the s-same. Just let me be. Please.”

  A furrow creases her brow, and her eyes flash in what I guess is frustration or determination.

  “I just want to help you be normal, Theo!” As soon as the words are out of her mouth, her face pales in horror. “Oh, my God. I didn’t mean it like that—”

  “But you did, Addy. You did,” I interrupt.

  “I’m so sorry. Please, I just hate seeing you get picked on.”

  She moves toward me and tries to grab my arm, but I move farther away from her and her front door. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

  I almost take back my words at the sight of her eyes shining with unshed tears, but I hold my ground.

  “Don’t run from this too, Theo.”

  Before I can stop myself, a cynical laugh breaks free. “I’m not running, Addy. We obviously disagree, and I just need some space. I need a break.”

  “A break? Does this mean you’re breaking up with me?”

  “No, I’m not breaking up with you. I just...you really messed with my head, Addy. I need sp-space. Please,” I implore.

  “For how long?”

  I brace myself for the answer I’m about to give, and I can’t fight the grimace twisting my lips. “This coming week is finals week. How about we w-wait until it’s o-over? It’ll give us t-time to think and c-cool down. Please just give me time.”

  The stars leave her eyes as she watches me sadly, but when she speaks she sounds forlorn and resigned. “Okay, Theo. I know we don’t see eye to eye on what happened, and I’m truly sorry about how my words came across. I’ll give you your space, but if you decide to break up with me, please don’t string me along. Can you give me that, please?”

  In this moment, I’d give everything to be a superhero from the comics I love so much. If I could, I’d rewind time and erase everything that happened at the skating rink and after. Unfortunately, I’m normal and embarrassed and hurting and conflicted. I’m human, and I’m not sure what to do. I can feel my throat start to close up at Addy’s request. Unable to say anything, I stare into her eyes as I nod. Her lips lift into a wan smile, and I turn to leave without hugging or kissing her goodbye.

  Before my back is fully turned, I glimpse the hurt in Addy’s expression and can’t miss the single tear tracking down her cheek. I almost stop, but I keep walking away, each step heavier than the last. I have no intention of making her wait in limbo for very long, but I need time to process everything. How do we bounce back from this, especially if it happens again? I may not know for sure, but I do know one thing: one of us will have to compromise. I’m just not sure that person can be me.

  Fourteen

  Addy

  The pounding of my head wakes me up, and I groan in misery, eyes still closed, as the events of last night play like a movie reel in my brain. My splitting headache and swollen eyelids are nothing compared to the aching of my heart as I recall what I told Theo.

  “I just want to help you be normal.” I cringe. My words will haunt me, only to be surpassed in pain-filled remembrance at the thought of Theo’s face.

  “I’m such a bitch,” I declare out loud.

  Shame heats my face, and I fight to keep the tears at bay. I really hope I didn’t ruin things with Theo. I suck in a fractured breath, hoping to fortify myself against the riot of emotions threatening to burst forth and overwhelm me. I hate the idea of leaving things how we left them and letting the hurt fester for an entire week, but he’s entitled to his space. If I’m being honest with myself, this is probably a smart decision. I’m not even sure how I feel about everything.

  Did I push him too far?

  Did I overstep my bounds?

  Am I really trying to change him?

  Thinking about all of this isn’t exactly helping my migraine, but I deserve to deal with the pain. I roll out of bed, determined to try and be a human, and pad over to the shower. On my way in, my phone pings with a message. My heart stops for a beat. Could it be Theo?

  My eyes swivel to my nightstand, where I usually keep my phone, and it isn’t there. Another ping comes through, and I frantically move about my room to try and find my cell. Rifling through my purse doesn’t reveal my phone, and neither does the rumpled heap of clothes I shed last night before falling into bed. I leap onto my bed and toss some throw pillows around—seriously, why do I have this many pillows?—when I hear the third ping. Flinging my blanket in the air, I’m almost hit in the face by my phone. I scramble to catch it and glance down at my notification screen.

  My hope fizzles out when I see Theo hasn’t texted. Instead, an unknown number shows in my notification screen, but I can’t see the message. Swallowing my disappointment, I press my thumb down to open my screen.

  Unknown: Hey Addy, it’s Demi. I got your number from Theo’s phone.

  Unknown: He doesn’t know I’m reaching out, but he’s asleep, so I’m taking advantage.

  Unknown: We should talk. You free to meet up for coffee?

  Curiosity slams into me. Is she angry, and is she angry enough to do something about it? I don’t know Demi well enough, but I think if she were in the mood to kick my ass to defend her bestie, she’d succeed. Between her protective nature and my guilt, worrying, and overall crappy state of mind, it wouldn’t be much of match. Shit, I’m inclined to let her.

  While there’s a strong possibility she’s pissed, the tone of her texts don’t convey a desire to take out her aggression on me physically. Besides, she isn’t a bully. I have a feeling Demi has something else in mind. But what is it? Only one way to find out.

  I save her number before texting back, and her response is almost immediate. We work out a time and place to meet, not mincing words, and I place my phone down when our exchange is over. With any luck, Demi will be able to help me out. Time to go find out what she wants.

  The chime of the doorbell signals my entrance into my favorite coffee shop, and the fragrant smells of ground coffee beans and fresh croissants provides comfort and familiarity. A scan of the quirky shop shows me Demi isn’t here yet, so I get in line and order a hazelnut latte with almond milk for me and a peppermint hot chocolate for her. I take a seat at an empty booth facing the door, and Demi breezes in right as our drinks are delivered. Perfect timing.

  She quickly spots me and heads over, sans smile. Unease swirls in my stomach.

  “Hey,” I say with a lackluster wave. “I ordered you a peppermint hot chocolate. Theo’s mentioned it’s your favorite.” Just saying his name makes my heart squeeze in remorse.

  “Thank you.” Her words are polite, but her gaze remains somber as she unfurls her scarf from around her neck.

  I wait in awkward silence as she gets settled, not knowing how to start the conversation. Her coffee mug is cradled between her palms when she finally speaks.

  “You know why I wanted to meet with you, right?”

  “To curse me out? To tell me I messed things up? To tell me I’ll never find someone like Theo again?”

  A small smile twitches at the corners of Demi’s lips as she shakes her head. “You already know the answers to those questions already. No, I’m not that type of person. Yes, you messed things up, and yes, you’ll never find someone like Theo. What I’m here to tell you is what you don’t know.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Addy.” Demi cocks an eyebrow at me over the lip of her mug before she takes a sip. “I know Theo better than anyone, and you hurt him. As much as I’d love to punch you in the face—again, not that type of person—I also know you make my best friend happy. There’s a lot you don’t know.”

  “Listen—”

  “No.” The implacable tone matches the steely glint in her eyes as she cuts me off. “You listen, Addy. From what Theo told me last night, you did a lot of talking and not a lot of listening. I’m going to need you to just keep your mouth shut, listen, and try
to understand where he’s coming from. You got it?”

  I’m stunned into momentary silence by her protectiveness, so I simply nod.

  She inclines her head in approval and takes another sip of her cocoa before she starts.

  “He’s probably mentioned it before, but Theo and I grew up together. We were neighbors as children, and we quickly became best friends. I’m a few years younger than you two, but we really hit it off. Being as close as we are, I’ve witnessed everything he’s been through and everything he’s done to own his stutter.

  “I don’t know what it is about people being different that brings out the inner asshole in some people, but Theo was like a magnet for bullies. I know he wears glasses now, but he had these really huge, thick frames when he was a kid.” She’s staring into her mug, a small smile on her face, but her eyes shine with tears when she glances back up at me. “He also carried comic books around with him wherever he went, which I guess he still kinda does today. These weren’t enough to bring unwanted attention to him, although they did draw the eye. Unfortunately, it was his stutter that bullies honed in on. Theo’s naturally quiet and non-confrontational, so looking back, it’s almost like these qualities made it worse because he was a challenge.”

  Sadness engulfs me as I picture Theo as a young boy with big glasses and unruly hair, getting picked on for something he can’t control. My throat clogs with emotion, and I’m grateful Demi is speaking.

  “He’d get picked on constantly, and it always seemed to fall in a cycle. It’d always start the first year or so when he started a new school, and then it would taper off once people got used to it and realized he didn’t respond to their jibes. But some of these little assholes were persistent, Brock being one of them. But you know what? Theo was the bigger person every. Single. Time. He never retaliated. Never gave in. Never cried. He’s so strong.”

  Pride and love and sadness resonate clearly in her voice.

  “Outside of our families where he’s comfortable, Theo’s dealt with a lot. He spent years being ridiculed by others and being told how to act; all that crap takes a toll on you. He didn’t tell his mom about the bullying, at least not until he was older and could help out. I don’t know if he told you, but his dad passed away when he was just a kid. There was a time for a while where his mom struggled to make ends meet, and he knew that if he brought up the bullying, she’d break her back working so he could go to therapy. She knows he’s perfect as is, but she’s protective and never wants him feeling less than everyone else.

  “One day, he made the choice to overcome his stutter in his own way. On his terms. He’s been to the specialists. He’s been to the therapy sessions. He contributed money from summer jobs toward treatment to help his mom because he didn’t want to be a burden. He’s now at a place where it only comes out sometimes, and he’s so proud of that. I’m so proud of that.”

  Heat creeps up my neck and into my cheeks at her words. I had no idea the bullying was that bad, and I wasn’t aware he sought treatment. I open my mouth to speak, but Demi shakes her head when she catches the movement.

  Message received: I’m still supposed to listen.

  “That’s when he was fifteen. A couple years later, he started dating. I mean, Theo might be kinda nerdy and wouldn’t be classified as the most popular guy in school, but you have eyes. He’s a good-looking guy. He’s been an avid swimmer since he was a kid, so he came into his swimmer’s build early. Teenage girls notice that shit, and he started to get some positive attention from the girls at school.

  “He started dating this girl named Tiffany, and she was pretty, somewhat popular, and the complete opposite of him in terms of interests. But hey, it happened. Anyway, they seemed fine the first few weeks, but then she started to try and change things about him. She’d suggest he wear contacts instead of glasses. She’d go shopping with him so she could have a say in his wardrobe. She’d complain if he wanted to watch a superhero movie. She’d whine if he wanted to hang out with me because she was insecure. She’d also get supremely embarrassed if he stuttered. She hated it. When he was made fun of for his stutter in front of her, she didn’t say a damn thing. Instead, she laughed. I still want to punch that bitch in the face after all these years, but thankfully Theo was wise enough to break up with her. Still, that experience left a lasting impression on him.”

  I watch her hands flex in anger and can’t help chiming in. “But I’ve done none of that, Demi. I love his glasses, and I think he looks great. I’m down for superhero movies, I’m totally for him hanging out with you, and I think his stutter is the cutest thing ever. I think he’s perfect just the way he is.”

  She gives me a long, measuring look. “No, you don’t. You want him to be, quote unquote, normal. You want him to stick up for himself when he gets bullied. How is that not wanting to change him?”

  “How is that a bad thing to want to change? He shouldn’t have to quietly accept being verbally tormented by some immature jerks.”

  “Have you not heard a thing I’ve told you?” She’s starting to sound stabby, and I warily eye her clenching fists. “It isn’t your way or the highway when it comes to dealing with things, Addy. Theo handles his stutter the best he can, and he does it on his terms. His, no one else’s. You want him to do what? Get in someone’s face every time they make fun of him? They win that way because that’s exactly what they want.

  “He sought therapy because it’s what he wanted, and he’s taking the high road now. Theo doesn’t care about the bullies because, at the end of the day, he’s happy with himself. His stutter makes him shy, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Respect him enough to let him handle things as he sees fit. He’s a grown man, and if he doesn’t want to empower those assholes, respect that. You saying he needs to change and be normal makes him feel like there’s something wrong with him. That he should change. That he isn’t enough exactly the way he is.”

  I don’t realize I’m crying until Demi pulls a napkin from the holder and hands it to me, gesturing toward my face. I hastily swipe at my cheeks and underneath my eyes, digesting her words.

  “I wish he would’ve told me all this before,” I whisper.

  “He shouldn’t have to.” So simple, yet so true. “Let me ask you this: if what happened last night happens again and you’re there to witness it, can you really live with a repeat? If the answer is no, then you’ll have to learn to live without Theo.”

  The tears start to track down my face again. I royally screwed things up.

  “I’m not gonna lie. If it happened again, I would hate it. I don’t like seeing people belittle him, which makes it hard to turn a blind eye. But if he wants to ignore it, I can learn to live with it. I really care about him.”

  My admission eases some of the ache in my chest and warms it at the same time. Am I falling in love with Theo? One thing at a time, Addy. Focus on how to fix things first.

  “And he cares about you, which is why I’m here. I know it’s finals week, but there’s a toga party happening at one of the frat houses this weekend to celebrate the end of the semester. You should go.”

  Confusion wrinkles my brow at her sudden invitation, but her pointed stare makes me wonder if there’s more to the invite than she’s letting on. “Will he be there?”

  “Oh, he’ll be there. Parties aren’t his scene, but I know he’ll go with me if I beg.”

  “You’re so sure about that?”

  A smug smile graces her lips. “Yep, I’m sure. He’s feeling down, so he’ll want to get out of the house. I’ll say I plan on meeting a guy there and need his moral support. He owes me one.”

  Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I decide to give Demi’s plan a chance. We were going to talk this weekend anyway, so this will hopefully speed things up.

  “Okay, let’s do it.”

  “Perfect. I’ll arrive with Theo, and I’ll make sure we run into you. Don’t worry about the details. Once you two see each other, I’ll run off and give you two time to talk.”


  “That works for me.”

  Silence fills the space between us, so we take a moment to finish our drinks in silence. Since this isn’t the typical catch-up with your girlfriend type of thing, I make an excuse that I should go study.

  As we’re leaving the café, bundled back up again to stay warm against the cold, Demi turns to look at me, a serious expression on her face.

  “I’m telling you now, Addy, if you screw this up again, I will punch you in the face.”

  “I thought you weren’t that kind of girl.”

  “Yeah, not normally, but I’m not afraid to become that girl. You’ve gotta get down and dirty sometimes to make a point or to get what you want.”

  “Remind me not to cross you again.”

  Demi shoots me a small smile. “I’ll text you the full party deets once I have them. I’ll see you this weekend.”

  “Thanks for your help, Demi. I know your loyalties lie with Theo, but I appreciate your help.”

  “This is why I’m doing it,” she replies. “For him. I like you, and so does Theo. Please think about what I said. I’ll see you soon. Later, Addy.”

  With a wave goodbye, Demi turns and heads down the sidewalk toward her car.

  I watch her walk away before turning around and heading to my own vehicle. I really hope we can fix what went wrong and that I can show him I accept him as he is because my relationship with him is worth it.

  He’s worth it.

  Fifteen

  Theo

  “Are you sure this is what you’re s-supposed to wear to these kinds of parties?” I ask as I adjust the white strip of fabric draped over one shoulder and around my hips. Leave it to college students to throw a toga party in winter. “And are you sure I need to be there? I’d rather stay home.”

  “It’s a toga party, so yes.” Demi looks over and must see the discomfort on my face. “Aw, don’t be shy, Theo. You look great. You’re doing the ladies a disservice by hiding these abs away, you closet hottie,” she jokes. She playfully smacks me against my stomach before leveling me with a thoughtful stare. “And yes, I’m sure you need to be there. You owe me one, and you need to stop moping around the house. I know things are weird with you and Addy, but you’re set to talk to her this weekend. Cut loose tonight and give me some moral support. It’s been forever since a guy’s been interested in me.”