Restoration

by Loraine, Kim

She nodded and pulled on her shoes. “I’ve got to go. Valerie and I have a meeting later. I need to eat something, get a run in, and shower.”

  Drew checked the clock on his phone. “Quarter past nine, just in time for breakfast, then. Come along, let’s eat.”

  The restaurant was packed with the Saturday morning breakfast crowd. When Drew walked through the door, Grace could actually feel the oxygen leave the room as people gasped in recognition. The chatter eventually subsided, casting an eerie silence across most of the dining room. She took his hand and they sat together in a small booth.

  Drew shifted uncomfortably as he glanced around and caught the eyes of the curious onlookers.

  “I’m sorry about this,” Grace said as their waitress, a perky twenty-something with a trainee badge, brought them menus.

  “Hi there, welcome to the Windsurfer. My name’s Missy and I’ll be your waitress today. What would you all like to drink?” The waitress brought her attention up from the pen and pad she had poised and ready.

  “Hi, Missy.”

  “Oh, my God, Grace! What are you doing back?” She lit up with excitement, then her face softened and she reached a hand out to touch her arm. “How have you been? You holding up?”

  “Just some problems on the work site. I hope to head back soon.” She smiled at Drew. “I’ll take some coffee.”

  “Sure thing.” Missy turned to Drew. “And what about you?” She did a double take when she looked up from her notepad. “John?” It was almost a whisper.

  A look of hurt passed over Drew’s face and was quickly masked by an apologetic smile. “It’s Drew, actually. I’ll take some tea if you have it.”

  Missy nodded, dumbfounded, and walked back to the kitchen.

  Aside from uncomfortable stares and sidelong glances from the other patrons in the restaurant, breakfast was pleasant. The pair ate in a comfortable silence, eyes occasionally meeting and dropping back to their plates.

  Heat crept up her cheeks at the whispers she heard as they left the Windsurfer and headed down the boardwalk hand-in-hand. The weather was warmer than it had been since she’d first arrived back in her hometown. She still needed a jacket, but wasn’t feeling the bone-numbing chill of winter anymore.

  Drew laced his fingers with hers as they strolled, taking in the town she’d grown up in.

  “There’s the tree I hit when my dad tried to teach me to drive for the first time. It’s grown taller, but you can still see the scar from the old truck.” She pointed at a line of trees in front of a parking lot.

  “How on earth did you wind up hitting that tree? You must’ve gone completely over the curb.”

  “Yep. He told me we were in reverse. Obviously, we weren’t. I panicked and hit the gas instead of the brake. Not my finest moment.”

  Drew pasted a solemn look on his face as he nodded. “Nor the tree’s, I’d wager.”

  She laughed and hooked her arm through his. “Nope.”

  They continued down the boardwalk. Most of the shops were just opening for the day, running on winter seasonal hours. Her steps faltered when she saw three figures in the familiar shade of blue that signified a fireman’s uniform. They were standing outside a coffee shop, paper cups in hand.

  “Crap . . . oh, crap,” she muttered under her breath when she realized they’d caught sight of her as they gestured in her direction.

  “Grace? What the hell is going on here? Who is this?” Donovan Miller, one of John’s closest friends and co-workers, approached her with a hostile look carved into his face.

  “Donovan, this is Drew Tensley. We met in Braley, the town I’m working in near London.”

  “What the fuck, Grace? This is too much. Roman said John’s ghost was here. How could you do this? Replace him with a cheap copy. I bet you’re fucking him, too.”

  Drew stiffened at the insult. “Oi, watch it, mate.”

  “This is sick, Grace. You know how much this town loved him. And now you’re parading around your new boy-toy like John never existed. Does Marianne know about this?” He motioned to Drew.

  The venom in his voice cut her. She squared her shoulders and stared him straight in the face. “I told her this morning, Donovan. I think you need to leave now.”

  “You’re seriously fucked up. Get some help. What would John think?”

  “All right, mate, time to shove off.” Drew pushed between them and leveled his eyes on Donovan’s face.

  “Grace, seriously? You need to talk to someone.”

  Donovan turned and walked back to the two other firefighters and they headed out of sight. Grace let out a shaky breath.

  “All right?” Drew asked, his hand a gentle weight on her lower back.

  “Not really. I will be, though.” She turned to him. “Can you handle going to John’s old house? I think Marianne needs to see you before Donovan makes his rounds and beats us there.”

  He swallowed. “Well, I suppose I can. Grace, it’s a little weird.”

  “He was your brother. You should know about him.”

  He nodded his head in assent. “You’re right. I just don’t want to cause more hurt.”

  “She wants to see you for herself. I think it’ll be cathartic for her. Closure, you know? You’re her connection to John, even though you didn’t know him.”

  He blew out a breath. “All right. Shall we ring her up, then?”

  Marianne was waiting on the front steps as they pulled into the driveway. She’d sounded anxious over the phone, but willing to meet with them. Drew’s jaw clenched when he saw the matriarch of John’s family sitting there, waiting. Grace steeled herself as she put up a wall against the tide of grief rushing in. She hurt for Marianne while she watched the myriad of emotions cross her face as he walked up to her, the spitting image of the son she loved so much. Marianne’s features softened from tense and stern to achingly heartbroken.

  Grace walked behind Drew as he approached the woman who’d raised his brother. Tears swam in Marianne’s eyes. She was clearly moved while taking in his familiar features, but she held them in check, ever the strong and resilient mother.

  Grace could feel the tension coming off Drew in waves. His jaw remained clenched and his hands were stiff at his sides.

  “Mari, this is Drew Tensley.”

  “My God, you’re the spitting image of him.” She reached her hand out to touch his cheek and he visibly stiffened. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

  “Mrs. Oliver, it’s a pleasure. A weird one, but I’m glad I could meet you.” Drew offered a hand to her.

  She nodded and shook his hand, all the while her gaze remained glued to his face.

  “Let’s go inside, I’ve made some tea. Drew, I assume you drink tea?”

  He smiled and nodded. “I’m as British as they come.”

  The trio made their way into the Oliver family living room. The place was practically a shrine to John. Pictures graced every surface, mementos of his life, and of course, his time with Grace.

  In the center of the room’s main wall was the shadowbox Marianne’s kids had made to commemorate him. His badge from the fire department, pictures of him in uniform, and his nameplate were displayed with pride in the box, along with photos from his childhood and a picture of him and Grace, dressed for a charity function. Placed next to the picture was the engagement ring John was never able to give her. Above the shadowbox, hung John’s helmet, still bearing scorch marks from the final time he’d worn it.

  Drew’s eyes fixed on the photos of Grace and John, smiling, kissing, holding each other tightly. A pained look crossed his face when he saw the engagement ring. She couldn’t help but notice the tightness around his eyes and the thin line of his mouth as he tried to contain his own feelings for the sake of Marianne.

  “John loved tea. H
e never drank coffee. I got used to making tea when we lived in Scotland,” Mari said as she brought out the tea tray.

  “Mari, I know this is strange . . .” Grace began.

  “It’s amazing. I feel like you’ve given me a chance to look at him again.” She turned her face to Drew. “I know this must be surreal for you, but I just can’t ignore what a blessing you are. I lost my sweet boy and every day I’ve prayed for a way to see his face again.”

  “I, um. I’m sorry. I’ve got to . . .” Drew’s swift departure startled her as he rushed out the door.

  She gave Marianne an apologetic glance before going after him. “Mari, I’m sorry.”

  Tears pooled in the woman’s eyes as she nodded. Grace followed Drew’s path and found him seated on the back of the truck.

  “Grace, that was . . . I’m sorry for being a git. I can’t do this.”

  She placed a light hand on his arm, worried about his reaction. “I’m sorry. This was too much. Mari is still grieving.”

  “No, it’s not her. It’s you.”

  She was taken aback. “Me? What did I do?”

  “You’re everywhere in that house. It was filled with you and the happiness the two of you had. There was a bloody great engagement ring next to a picture of you two!” His hands clenched on his knees as he avoided her eyes. “All I could think of was how much I wanted that to be me in those photos. How much you had with him that I will never get to share for the first time with you. How we can never go anywhere without people wondering if you’re just using me to replace him.”

  A lump formed in her throat as his words sunk in. “You’re right,” she said softly, eyes trained on the scuff marks scraped into the toes of her boots. “Come on, let’s go.”

  She drove in silence back to the hotel. Drew stared out the window, one hand worrying at his ear, knees bouncing in agitation. When they arrived, she followed him to his room, heart aching with what she was about to do. She set her purse on the small table and collected her small personal items that had been forgotten over the few days of his stay.

  “You need to go, Drew.” Her voice was flat and controlled.

  “What?”

  “I said go. Go home to Braley. This . . .” She motioned between them. “This doesn’t work. It’s too much.”

  His mouth fell open as he tried to come up with something to say.

  “I’m done. I need you to go.” Her voice quavered, but she managed to get the words out.

  “Grace, if this is about what I said earlier I . . .” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Jesus. I’m sorry.”

  As she turned to gather her purse, he grabbed her arm. “Don’t run away from me.” He pulled her close. “I’ve seen you do this before. I know now what it really was. Fear. Guilt. I’m real and I’m here right now, before your eyes, wanting to love you.”

  She steeled herself against him. She knew what she needed to do, but the words didn’t want to come. She pushed out of his embrace and stood tall. She took a deep breath, strengthening her resolve.

  “I don’t want you to love me, Drew. I want you to go. Maybe they’re right, maybe I am using you to replace John.”

  He blanched at the words and she knew they’d hit their mark. She hated herself for it. She took that moment to head out the door and out of his life. As she drove away, she glanced in her rearview mirror hoping to see him—hoping he wouldn’t appear—she wasn’t sure which.

  The mirror reflected only her eyes and the empty doorway to his room.

  Chapter 23

  Grace sat alone in the restaurant where she and Valerie usually had their lunch meetings. She was waiting for her friend, who was caught up with a project she was working on.

  She pushed the contents of her salad around on her plate while she waited, nerves getting the better of her. She knew Valerie was furious over what she’d done. Her heart began to race as she saw the familiar curtain of translucent blond hair swinging through the door.

  Valerie had blossomed in the last few months. Unlike Grace’s experience in Braley, Valerie had flourished. She’d come out of her shell and changed from a mousy assistant, without her own opinion, to a self-assured and strong-minded woman. She was also Grace’s closest friend.

  “What did you do to him?” Valerie’s words were laced with contempt as she seated herself across from her.

  “I had to let him go. It was the right thing for him.”

  “Really? Your mom told me he’s been by the house every day to talk to you. I saw him yesterday and he’s broken, completely broken.”

  Her heart lurched as Valerie leveled a calculating gaze on her. “He deserves so much more than me. I’m still too messed up to be with anyone. Donovan was right, I’m sick. What kind of person falls in love with their dead boyfriend’s twin brother?” Even saying the words made her feel sick to her stomach.

  “Donovan’s an ass. Drew deserves a chance. He came all the way here for you.”

  “You should’ve seen him at Marianne’s. He flipped out. He can’t handle the fact that I was so connected with John.”

  “I’m not saying he’s perfect. He needs to work this out, too. He needs your help.”

  “I can’t help him. I can’t even help myself.” Her hands flailed in the air. “I’m a mess.”

  “Bullshit. You’ve been helping yourself your whole life. You’re afraid.”

  “I’m not afraid.” She bristled at the words. “It isn’t fair to him. He’s been hurt, badly, and I don’t want to make him feel like he comes second to anyone. John will always be this . . . this presence in our lives. He’ll always wonder if I’m thinking of John when he kisses me, when we have sex. That’s not any way to share a life.”

  “I don’t think you’re seeing the real situation here. He’s breaking apart and trying desperately to show you he loves you. You’re killing him.”

  “He needs someone he can be sure of. Someone who doesn’t carry this kind of baggage around. And me? I need to get my head together and focus on work. Bidwell called yesterday and has me starting a few new projects in Jamestown. I’ve got to get started on those and Drew needs to move on.”

  “For someone who’s usually so smart, you sure can be stupid.” Valerie looked at her watch and rose from her seat. “I’ve got to get back to the office. He’s leaving today. Talk to him.”

  She shook her head and stared at her untouched salad. “He needs to go. A clean break is best. I have to move on, too.”

  “Fine, whatever, Grace. I guess I’ll see you at work.”

  Drew was waiting for her when she arrived back at her parents’ house. He looked terrible, his eyes tired and his face drawn. He met her glance from behind the steering wheel and stood as she put the truck in park. Her heart pounded against her chest as she closed the truck’s heavy door and turned to face him.

  Before she could get her key out, his lips were on hers, hands cupping each side of her face while he ran his thumbs along her cheeks. The pressure of his mouth waged a war on her resolve and when his tongue traced her bottom lip, she momentarily forgot all the reasons for letting him go.

  He released her from his grasp and stepped away, his eyes fierce and burning. “I’m saying this once more. Once, Grace. I love you. I want you. But I’m not perfect and I need time to sort this mess out, too. Don’t run from me.”

  Her heart hurt. Physically hurt. And she fought down the urge to give in to him—to accept his love.

  You’re sick Grace, you need help. Donovan’s hateful words barreled through her memory like a steamroller. How could you do this to John? She shook her head and had to clear the lump that gathered in her throat.

  “No, Drew. I’m saying no.”

  “Why are you doing this?” His face was heartbreakingly beautiful, even as she could see the hurt coursing
through him.

  “Please, just go.” It was barely a whisper.

  “Don’t do this.”

  “Drew. I realized something the other day when you met Marianne. You are just a replacement for John. He’s the one I want, but can’t be with. I was using you and I need to stop. Now you should go and I have to get help.” The lie tasted bitter on her tongue.

  His face fell as she said it, however untrue it might have been. She could see him fighting the words that were bubbling to his lips.

  “Right. Thanks for that.” His eyes met hers, anger and frustration plain. “I guess you’ve put me in my place. I’ll let you alone then. Goodbye, Grace.”

  With that, he walked past her and out of her life.

  As soon as he was out of sight, she let her trembling limbs take over and slid down the side of the truck to the ground. Her chest felt tight and her throat burned with unshed tears. She pressed the heel of her hand to her heart, trying to keep the invisible wound closed.

  Drew’s ears must have been lying to him. She wasn’t saying these words after everything they’d been to one another. Anger filled his heart as he heard her.

  “You are just a replacement for John, he’s the one I want but can’t be with. I was using you and I need to stop.”

  He shook his head, trying to contain the pain that radiated from his chest. Not again. Not again. This can’t be happening again. His worst fear was coming true. He was being used and tossed away like rubbish all over again.

  “Right. Thanks for that.” He heard himself say the words, but felt as though he was on the outside, looking in on this painstaking exchange. “I guess you’ve put me in my place. I’ll let you alone, then. Goodbye, Grace.”