Hawaiian U.F.O. Aliens

by Mel Gilden

  I said, 'And you wanted them to tell everybody that the pictures you'd painted were true and accurate representations of other worlds. And if they wouldn't do that for you, they'd never get their spine.'

  Pele sat down on the vacant octagonal bench and looked volcanic eruptions at Medium Rare. Medium Rare didn't notice. She was still involved with her glass globe. Lono leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Nobody seemed happy.

  Medium Rare looked up at Pele. She said, 'I was tired of being the butt of New Age jokes. I wanted the respect I deserve. Are these things so terrible?'

  'Not so terrible,' said a new voice. 'Just wildly overblown.' Busy Backson followed a pistol into the room. She was wearing tennis shoes now, and a thin, off-white jacket with a lot more pockets than anybody needed, but otherwise, she was dressed much as she had been in her apartment. She said, 'You know, I just want them to speak at my club. You want them to get up in front of everybody and tell them how swell you are. Hello, Gone-out, you predictable creep. Hell, Zoot. Thanks for all your help.' She reached for the necklace.

  'Uh, uh, ah,' Gone-out said motioning with his own pistol.

  Busy froze, but she did not move away.

  I shook my head and said, 'I suppose if you're going to shoot somebody, you might as well keep it in the family.'

  'You shouldn't have followed me, Busy. Medium Rare's need is greater than yours.'

  Busy unfroze, but she was still tense. 'Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I didn't have to follow you. I knew you'd be here. I haven't asked you in weeks to clean the fish tank, but you had to finally get around to it, didn't you? Creep.'

  'The spine was in the tank?' I said, surprised.

  'Yeah. Rubber banded to a fake fish. Anyway, Gone-out was gone. The spine was gone. Who else would he take it to?'

  'Be glad you're rid of it. It's bad medicine.'

  'Oh, it's movie Indians now, is it?' She sounded chipper, but her pistol seemed to be getting a little heavy.

  'Bad medicine. It twice stopped you from killing me.'

  Not looking nearly puzzled enough, she said, 'Why would I try to kill you?'

  'For the obvious reason. I was looking for the spine, and you were afraid I'd find it.'

  'What makes you think I had it?'

  I gestured at Pele and Lono and said, 'When we get together we don't just talk about the weather.'

  That got me a very small, 'oh,' from Busy.

  I shrugged. 'When the guy with the beard took a shot at me, and his car swerved just at the right moment, I thought I was pretty lucky. Then, when some guy tried to strangle me with a cord in the parking lot of Kilroy's, and the cord broke, I thought that was too much luck. I wasn't having good luck. Yours was just bad. Because of the spine.'

  'I didn't have anything personal against you. As a matter of fact, I think you're kind of cute. But I had a higher cause than cute to worry about.'

  I said, 'UFO nuts,' and made an impolite noise.

  Lono said, 'Will you let me know when you've decided who's going to blackmail us?' He walked out of the room, went slowly along the hallway, and sat down on the top step of the spiral staircase.

  Gone-out said, 'Go home. Busy.' He was a little less casual with the gun. It looked like a standoff.

  Suddenly three things happened at once. Busy dived for the necklace; her brother took a shot at her; Pele saw my control of the situation fading fast, so she took a chance and dived at the necklace herself. Gone-out's gun only clicked, giving Busy time to accidentally knock the necklace to a corner of the room when she tried to sweep it from Pele's grasp. An eyeblink later, panels in the ceiling fell onto Busy and Gone-out, knocking the guns from their hands and pulling enough velvet loose from a wall to wrap around Pele. She fell back into the mountainous velvet with a squeal, and more of it dropped on top other.

  Gone-out and Busy had staggered back against walls, their hands to their heads, and were slouching there, a little confused. I picked up the guns, and put one in my waistband. Two-gun Zoot, the Scourge of the Spaceways. I was about to help Pele when Lono walked into the room with his hands up. Behind him, with his own pistol, was Avoirdupois, looking very pleased indeed.

  'All the suspects are here now,' I said. 'We can serve dinner.'

  Avoirdupois laughed his laugh and said. 'You are a pip, sir, and that is certain. And I must thank you most sincerely for leading me to some authentic aliens. Good evening, madam.' He bowed a little at Medium Rare. She refused to look at him.

  'Which are those?' I said.

  He laughed, and it seemed to get away from him. His entire body shook, and his pistol made figure eights behind Lono's back. I wanted to jump him, but I was standing nearest the slaberingeo spine and didn't want to chance taking an unscheduled express drop to the ground floor.

  Pele threw a sheet of velvet off her and glared at us. She said something in her sideways language that sounded like someone clearing their throat and spitting the result into a pail full of sand.

  'Ah, there you are, my dear. I'm delighted that you could join us. I always say that two aliens are better than one, and that's a fact.' Avoirdupois' eyes rolled around in his head like loose marbles, then lit on the spine on the floor. 'This certainly must be the article that all the fuss is about.' Still aiming the pistol at Lono, he took his other hand from a pocket. The hand was wearing a paisley oven mitten. With the protected hand, Avoirdupois bent to pick up the necklace. Just to be fair, I said, 'Nix, Bad news.'

  Gone-out grumbled, 'You can say that again.' He was feeling over his head as if it were a cantaloupe he was testing for ripeness. Busy had collapsed onto the velvet.

  'So you say, sir. So you say. So might all of you say. But, knowing as I do that every last one of you has a stake in this little trinket, you will forgive me if I only thank you for your concern, and tell you that this mitten immunizes me against the effects of the curse.' He held up the mitten hand, and chuckled like a big truck changing low gears. 'It does, and that's a fact. Perhaps you will not be amazed when I tell you that I found it in the classified ads of the Interstate Eyeball.'

  'Curse?' Medium Rare said.

  Avoirdupois bowed as if Medium Rare had asked him to dance. He said, 'Curse. Indeed, curse. You would not believe me if I told you half of what I know. I hardly believe it myself. But you can read as much as you care to about the Curse of the Slaberingeo Spine Necklace. It's all in back numbers of the Eyeball.'

  He bent quickly, as a man that size never could, but as a well-designed robot might, and snatched up the necklace with his protected hand, laughter gurgling in him the whole time like water through an open pipe. He said, 'And now, my dear aliens, if you want this trinket, you will have to deal with me, make no mistake of it. Just one short interview. Just a few photographs.' There was a mechanical whine, and a camera rose from under Avoirdupois' hat.

  I looked at Lono. Lono looked at me. I walked across the room, and helped Pele to her feet. Her hands were warm and smooth and dry. She didn't say thank you, but she didn't scream at me, either.

  'You'd better go with him,' I said in a low, grim voice that frightened even me.

  Gone-out said, 'The real Marlowe would be disgusted.'

  Busy and Medium Rare just looked at me like a couple of snakes.

  Avoirdupois pushed Pele and Lono out with his gun. I watched them carefully and followed silently, but not too closely. About one quarter of the way to the door. Avoirdupois tripped over the nap in the carpet, and while catching himself, dropped both the pistol and the necklace. I kicked the necklace to Lono, and dived for the pistol. I came up with it pointing at Avoirdupois.

  Avoirdupois backed into the wall hard enough to jiggle the pictures, and cried, 'I've been swindled!' Angrily, he pulled off the mitten, and with contempt, threw it to the floor. His lower lip came out and his eyes got big. He had the look of the baby it was easy to take candy away from. He saw the pistol in my hand, and slowly raised his arms.

  Lono reached for the necklace with a pair of liver tongs
tricked out with some extra knobs, lights and bumps. The moment the hyper-spanner touched the necklace, the air instantly got lighter, as if a thunderstorm had passed. Lono disappeared in a puff of green dandelion fuzz. Pele hissed at us, raised her hands above her head and disappeared in a spout of flame that scorched the ceiling.

  'Wow,' said Bill.

  He was standing at the door to the spirit chamber with Busy, Gone-out and Medium Rare, all looking as if someone had just told them they were going to hang the next day. Against the wall, Avoirdupois began to laugh. It was a deep, energetic laugh, and it rolled up and down the hallway alone for a long rime.

  'You are a wonder, sir, make no mistake. You have tied this thing up neatly, I'll give you that, even if, to tell the truth, it did not work out entirely to my benefit.' More basement chuckling. 'But having said all that, I will furthcr say this: Perhaps we are all better off.' He smiled and kicked the kitchen mitten, then experimentally lowered his hands. I let him. I emptied his pistol, kept the bullets, and gave it back to him.

  I said, 'Come on, Bill.'

  He waddled to me, and we walked together toward the staircase.

  Behind me. Avoirdupois went on. 'What shall it be then? Shall we stand here weeping, or shall we begin another gallant crusade?'

  'What do you mean, we, you hackbot?' Busy said.

  I looked back, waiting, too curious to descend.

  Avoirdupois lifted his hands and twiddled his fingers, feeling the air. He said, 'Come now, my friends. Shall we not allow bygones to be bygones? Shall we stand radiating hostility toward each other when we could be,' he smiled, 'searching for a statuette of a black bird?'

  I walked slowly toward him. Questions wanted out. I let them want. Let somebody else do some work for a change.

  Arm wrestling her curiosity and losing, Busy said, 'What's that?'

  With his hands flat at his sides. Avoirdupois began to raise and lower himself on his toes. He said, 'It is said to have been carved from a single power crystal by the simple native craftsmen of the ancient and fabled island of Mu. It is said to either bring immortality, or cure baldness.'

  I was standing to one side of Avoirdupois, and I was able to see him frown. 'Or perhaps it improves one's sex life. Or it insures that your tax returns will not be audited, no matter how outrageous your deductions.' He shrugged, and smiled again; this was just a private joke between friends. He said, 'The ancient scrolls are not very clear on this point.'

  Medium Rare said, 'What incredible garbage,' and walked back into her spirit chamber. She lifted a sheet of velvet and let it fall.

  When I left, Avoirdupois was still trying to convince the others to join him in the search for the black crystal bird. I got out before whatever infected Avoirdupois crawled onto me.

  Chapter 31

  The Other Painting

  WHEN Bill and I got downstairs, Medium Rare's gang was still doing magic at each other, though with less enthusiasm than when I had entered the house. The wind was still blowing, and it had blown pine twigs into the vents in front of the Belvedere's windscreen. As I rolled through Changehorses and down the hill, they skittered like dry insects up the windscreen and flew away.

  While I drove back to the Magic Palace to pick up Captain Hook, I thought about the rogue's gallery that had wrangled in Medium Rare's house that night.

  Busy Backson had stolen something from aliens, but they now had it back and were not likely to press charges. Medium Rare had briefly stolen the thing from her, but didn't have it any more, and it had not belonged to Busy in the first place. Pele and Lono had stolen a truck, but had given it back. Besides, I don't think California had an extradition treaty with Yewpitzkitziten. Busy had tried to murder me twice. But it was nothing personal, she said, and with the spine gone, I didn't think she'd try again. In any case, I didn't want the police or anybody else straining themselves on my behalf. There was nobody at Pasadena Tech I wanted to meet.

  What did all this add up to? Zero, zip. zilch. Bupkis. Wipeout. It meant as little as the space between stars.

  Some weary hours later, I arrived at the Magic Palace. Above it, the Hollywood Hills were dark. The air smelled as it had out beyond the city—jazzed up with the odour of night flowers, and with the invigorating non-odour it had only when it was clean. I filled my nose with it while I could. The next day, just being itself, Los Angeles would foul the air again. I guessed that when day came, geologists would go over the Santa Monica Mountains as if they were looking for a contact lens, and find nothing that hadn't been there for ten thousand years.

  The Magic Palace was open, but just barely. The recptionist and some very large boys in tuxedos were in the lobby nodding and smiling as late revellers stumbled out. The large boys had bulges under their arms that probably were not rabbits. Captain Hook was sleeping in the receptionist's chair with his head on the desk. When I woke him up, he was glad to see me.

  I opened the windows of the Belvedere and drove that way. The smell of the wind helped keep me awake. Captain Hook stretched out on the back seat and snored out tiny paper umbrellas. They popped like bubbles when they touched the ceiling of the car.

  When we got to Malibu, we all went into the house, and Captain Hook went to bed. I wanted to sleep more than anything I could think of at that moment. But I had one job to do first.

  Bill and I went into the kitchen. I pulled over a chair for him so he could see out the window. The hat was still out on the beach. But dull light was throbbing gently all around it with the cadence of a human heartbeat.

  Much too early the next morning, Will came in and said, 'Some very heavy dudes are here to see you.' I nodded and walked, half awake, to the bathroom, where I splashed water on my face and did what I could to make myself presentable. I looked like last year's bird nest and felt like a cheese rind, but short of a week or two in the country there was nothing to be done.

  It was Pele and Lono, of course. They were dressed again in their clothes designed like tropical explosions, and stood in the living room looking more relaxed than I'd ever seen them. They were standing with Captain Hook in the centre of the room. The Captain tried to keep his hands in his pockets, but every so often he pulled one of them out, and a rabbit with it. There were a lot of rabbits in the room.

  I was surprised to see Jean-Luc Avoirdupois, but he greeted me as if we were all buddies and this whole business with the spine had ever happened. 'Come to make sure they go home?' I said.

  Avoirdupois liked that. He said, 'You are a kidder, sir, and no mistake. A man after my own heart. And I'll tell you straight out, I never kid a kidder.' His voice got very low and confidential. Only those people in the room could hear him when he said, 'I am not, as you suggest, seeing them off, I'm going with them—to search for the black crystal bird.'

  'Mighty forgiving aren't they?' I said.

  Avoirdupois chuckled, and shrugged.

  Lono said, 'He has the clues and the map. If we want a chance to find the black bird, we have to take him. And we do want it. If we find it, it'll sort of balance our, er, undistinguished record here on Earth.'

  'The search is all very much in the line of duty, sir, I assure you. My only interest in this matter is a special correspondent to the Interstate Eyeball.'

  Pele's mouth was a tight line. She seemed very calm for a woman with such a short fuse, especially if she was about to be featured in an Eyeball exclusive. I'd be very surprised if Avoirdupois ever had a chance to file his story. But that was none of my business.

  'Better you than me,' was all I said.

  'We were just waiting for you,' Pele said, and shined her smile on me like a searchlight.

  I said, 'Let's get to it before the rabbits outnumber the seagulls.'

  Pele nodded, gripped Captain Hook by the arm, and said, 'Stand here.' He looked confused, but he smiled at Pele hopefully. Captain Hook stayed where he was as Pele took a step back.

  She looked at me, I nodded. Whipping her arm, she threw a green ball of fire at Captain Hook. He close
d his eyes tightly, but didn't move when the fireball hit him in the chest, didn't seem to feel it at all. Green lightning crawled all over him like snakes, then burrowed into the carpet and was gone. Captain Hook collapsed. Lono caught him just in time and lowered him to the floor.

  We stood over Captain Hook as if he were a fish pond. He blinked and opened his eyes. He said, 'If you dudes are so stoked on watching me sleep, maybe I ought to charge.'

  'Sounds like the old aggro Captain to me,' Thumper said.

  'Bitchen,' the surfers said as with one voice, and a little awed.

  The Captain climbed to his feet, stiff as an old man. He looked at me, the challenge back in his jawline. He said, 'That hat really drilled me, dude.'

  'More than you know,' I said.

  'Yeah. So what about it?'

  'It's leaving,' I said.

  He nodded without smiling and said, 'Bitchen.' He cocked his head at Pele and Lono and said, 'Who are these dudes?'

  'They go with the hat.'

  'They better cruise before I remember how dissed I am.'

  'Yeah.'

  Bill and I led Pele and Lono and Avoirdupois out the back door, across the little brick patio, across the public walkway, and onto the sand. We marched through the hot, still air, bobbing along until we got to the hat. A gull sat on top of it, watching. Now it took off, and soared along the edge of the water. It landed and lost itself in a group of other gulls who were patrolling the beach.

  Only two other people were nearby, and each of them had a video cassette recorder. There was nothing between them and us, nothing between us and the hat. Nothing to stop them from getting some really terrific pictures. They were so intent on looking through their machines, I didn't think either one knew the other was there. After those two, the closest people looked like match heads in the distance.

  I shook hands all around. Bill shook hands too, and for once didn't make a production out of it. I wished Pele and Lono and Avoirdupois luck, but what that meant, exactly, I didn't know. If they actually found a black crystal bird, I had the feeling they would be disappointed. I didn't know they would, but I also didn't see how any one crystal statue could be equipped with all the accessories they wanted it to have. On the other hand, just because I didn't know how to do it didn't mean it couldn't be done.