MA04 Hit or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  “That is Queen Hemlock,” the General supplied.

  I had somehow suspected as much, but having received confirmation, I sprang into action. This part, at least, I knew how to handle, having had it drilled into me over and over again by my advisors.

  I rose to my feet and stood regally until she reached the throne, then timed my bow to coincide with her curtsey ... monarch greeting monarch and all that.

  Next, I was supposed to welcome her to Possiltum, but before I could get my mouth open, she came up with her own greeting.

  “Sorry I didn’t curtsey any lower, but I’m not wearing a thing under this dress. Rod, it’s beastly hot here in the lowlands,” she said, giving me a wide but thin-lipped smile.

  “Aahh ...”I said carefully.

  Ignoring my response, or lack thereof, she smiled and waved at the throng, which responded with a roar of approval.

  “What idiot invited the rabble?” she asked, the smile never leaving her face.

  “Aahh ...” I repeated.

  General Badaxe came to my rescue.

  “No formal announcement was made, Your Majesty, but word of your arrival seems to have leaked out to the general populace. As might be expected, they are very eager to see their new Queen.”

  “Looking like this?” she said, baring her teeth and waving to those on the rooftops. “Six days on the road in this heat without a bath or a change of clothes and instead of a discreet welcome, half the kingdom gets to see me looking like I was dragged along behind the coach instead of riding in it. Well, it’s done and we can’t change it. But mind you, if it happens again ... General Badaxe, is it? I thought so. Anyway, as I was saying, if it happens again, heads will roll ... and I’m not speaking figuratively.”

  “Welcome to Possiltum,” I managed at last.

  It was a considerably abbreviated version of the speech I had planned to give, but it was as much as I could remember under the circumstances.

  “Hello, Roddie,” she said without looking at me, still waving at the crowd. “I’m going to scamper off for my quarters in a second. Be a love and try not to get underfoot during the next week ... there’s so much to do. Besides, it looks like you’re going to have your hands full with other business.”

  “How’s that?”

  “You’ve got a wee bit of trouble coming your way, at least, according to the gentleman I met on the road. Here he comes now. Bye.”

  “But ...”

  Queen Hemlock had already disappeared, vanishing into the depths of the palace like a puff of smoke. Instead, I found myself focusing on the man who had stepped from the carriage and was currently trudging up the stairs toward my throne. I observed that he had the same weasel features and manners of J. R. Grimble. Mostly, though, I noticed that the two broad shouldered predators previously assumed to be part of the Queen’s escort, had suddenly materialized at his side, towering over him like a pair of bookends ... mean looking bookends.

  I sat down, in part because the approaching figure did not seem to be royalty, but mostly because I had a feeling I wanted to be sitting down for this next interview.

  The man reached my throne at last, drew himself up, and gave a curt nod rather than a bow. This, at least, looked polite, since his flankers didn’t acknowledge my presence at all.

  “Forgive me for intruding on such a festive occasion, Your Majesty,” the man said, “but there are certain matters we need to discuss.”

  “Such as ...?”

  “My name is Shai-ster, and I represent a ... consortium of businessmen. I wish to confer with one of your retainers concerning certain employees of ours who failed to report in after pursuing our interests in this region.”

  As I mentioned earlier, I was getting pretty good at speaking ‘bureaucrat.” This man’s oration, however, lost me completely. “You want to what about who?”

  The man sighed and hung his head for a moment.

  “Let me put it to you this way,” he said at last. “I’m with the Mob, and I want to see your Magician, Skeeve. It’s about our army, Big Julie’s boys, which sort of disappeared after tangling with him. Now do you understand me?”

  WITHIN A FEW days of Queen Hemlock’s arrival, the palace of Possiltum had the happy, relaxed air of a battlefield the night before the battle. The Queen’s party and the mob representatives were housed in the palace as “royal guests,” giving me a two-front war whether I wanted it or not.

  Queen Hemlock was not an immediate problem; she was more like a time bomb. With specific orders to “stay out of her way,” I didn’t have to deal with her much, and even General Badaxe admitted that if she were going to try to kill me, it wouldn’t be until after the wedding when she was officially Queen of Possiltum. Still, as the wedding day loomed closer, I was increasingly aware that she would have to be dealt with.

  The Mob representatives, however, were an immediate problem. I had stalled them temporarily by telling them that the Court Magician was not currently in the palace, but had been sent for, and as a token of good faith had given them the hospitality of the palace. They didn’t drink much, and never pestered me with questions about “Skeeve’s” return. There was no doubt in my mind, however, that at some time their patience would be exhausted and they would start looking for the Court Magician themselves. I also had a feeling that ‘some time’ would be real soon.

  Needing all the help I could get, I had Badaxe send one of his men for Big Julie. With minimal difficulty we smuggled him into the palace, and the three of us held a war council. On Badaxe’s advice, I immediately dropped my disguise and brought our guest up to date on the situation.

  “Ah’m sorry,” Julie said to open the meeting, “but I don’t see where I can help you, know what I mean?”

  Terrific. So much for Big Julie’s expert military advice.

  “I’d like to help,” he clarified. “You’ve done pretty good by me and the boys. But I used to work for the Mob, you know? I know what they’re like. Once they get on your trail, they never quit. I tried to tell you that before.”

  “I don’t see what the problem is,” General Badaxe rumbled. “There are only three of them, and their main spokesman’s a noncombatant to boot. It wouldn’t take much to make sure they didn’t report anything to anybody ... ever again.”

  Big Julie shook his head.

  “You’re a good man, Hugh, but you don’t know what you’re dealing with here. If the Mob’s scouting party disappears, the Big Boys will know they’ve hit paydirt and set things in motion. Taking out their reps won’t stop the Mob ... it won’t even delay them. If anything, it will speed the process up!”

  Before Badaxe had a chance to reply, I interrupted with a few questions of my own.

  “Wait a minute, Big Julie. When we first met, you were commanding the biggest army this world had ever seen. Right?”

  “That’s right,” he nodded. “We was rolling along pretty good until we met you.”

  “And we didn’t stop you militarily. We just gave you a chance to disappear as soldiers and retire as citizens of Possiltum. You and your boys were never beaten in as fight.”

  “We were the best,” Big Julie confirmed proudly. “Anybody messed with us, they pulled back a bloody stump with no body attached, know what I mean?”

  “Then why are you all so afraid of the Mob? If they try anything, why don’t you and your boys just hook up with General Badaxe’s army and teach ‘em a lesson in maneuvers?”

  The ex-commander heaved a deep sigh.

  “It don’t work that way,” he said. “If they was to march in here like an army, sure, we could send ‘em packing. But they won’t. They move in a few musclemen at a time, all acting just as polite as you please so there’s nothing you can arrest ‘em for. When enough of ‘em get here, though, they start leaning on your citizens. Little stuff, but nasty. If somebody complains to you, that somebody turns up dea
d along with most of their family.

  Pretty soon, all your citizens are more afraid of the Mob than they are of you. Nobody complains, nobody testifies in court. When that happens, you got no more kingdom. The Mob runs everything while you starve. You can’t fight an invasion like that with an army. You can’t fight it at all!”

  We all sat in uncomfortable silence for a while, each avoiding the other’s gaze while we racked our brains for a solution.

  “What I don’t understand,” Badaxe said at last, “is if the system you describe is so effective and so unstoppable, why did they bother having an army at all?”

  “I really hate to admit this,” Big Julie grimaced, “but we was an experiment. Some of the Mob’s bean-counters got it into their heads that even though an army was more expensive, the time savings of a fast takeover would offset the additional cost. To tell you the truth, I think their experiment was a washout.”

  That one threw me.

  “You mean to say your army wasn’t effective?”

  “Up to a point we were. After that, we were too big. It costs a lot to keep an army in the field, and toward the end there, it was costing more to support my boys for a week than we were getting out of the kingdoms we were conquering. I think they were getting ready to phase us out ... and that’s why it’s taken so long for them to come looking for their army.”

  I shook my head quickly.

  “You lost me on that last loop, Big Julie. Why did they delay their search?”

  “Money,” he said firmly. “I’ll tell you, nothing makes the Big Boys sit up and take notice like hard cash. I mean, they wrote the book when it came to money motivation.”

  “Sounds like Grimble,” Badaxe muttered. “Doesn’t anybody do anything for plain old revenge anymore?”

  “Stow it, General,” I ordered, leaning forward. “Keep going, Big Julie. What part does money have in this?”

  “Well, the way I see it, the Mob was already losing money on my army, you know? To me, that means they weren’t about to throw good gold after bad. I mean, why spend more money looking for an army that, when you find it, is only going to cost you more money?”

  “But they’re here now.”

  “Right. At the same time Possiltum’s about to become suddenly rich. It looks to me like the Big Boys have found a way to settle a few old scores and turn a profit at the same time.”

  “The wedding!” I said. “I should have known. That means that by calling off the wedding, I can eliminate two problems at once; Queen Hemlock, and the Mob!”

  Badaxe scowled at me.

  “I thought we had already discarded that option. Remember Grimble and the citizenry of Possiltum?”

  Without thinking, I slammed the flat of my hand down on the table with a loud slap.

  “Will you forget about Grimble and the citizenry of Possiltum? I’m tired of being in a box, General, and one way or another I’m going to blast a way out!”

  Prom the expressions of my advisors, I realized I might have spoken louder than I had intended. With a conscious effort, I modulated my tone and my mood.

  “Look, General ... Hugh,” I said carefully. You may be used to the pressures of command, but this is new to me. I’m a magician, remember? Forgive me if I get a little razzled trying to find a solution to the problem that your ... I mean, our King has dropped in my lap. Okay?”

  He nodded curtly, but still didn’t relax.

  “Now, your point has merit,” I continued, “but it overlooks a few things. First, Grimble isn’t here. When and if he does get back, he’ll have the king in tow, and friend Rodrick can solve the problem for us ... at least the problem with the Queen. As for the citizenry of Possiltum ... between you and me I’m almost ready to face their protests rather than have to deal with Queen Hemlock. Now if you weigh the disappointment of our people over having to continue the status quo against having both the Queen and the Mob move in on a permanent basis, what result do you get? Thinking of the welfare of the kingdom, of course!”

  The General thought it over, and then heaved a great sigh.

  “I was never that much in favor of the wedding, anyway,” he admitted.

  “Just a minute, boys,” Big Julie said, holding up a weary hand. “It’s not quite that easy. The money thing may have slowed up their search a bit, but now that the Mob is here, there are a couple other matters they’re gonna want to settle.”

  “Such as?” I asked, dreading the answer.

  “Well, first off there’s me and my boys. Nobody just walks away from the Mob, you know. Their pay scale is great, but their retirement plan stinks.”

  “I thought you said they didn’t want their army anymore,” Badaxe grumbled.

  “Maybe not as an army, but they can always use manpower. They’ll probably break us up and absorb us into various positions in the organization.”

  “Would you be willing to go back to work for them?”

  Big Julie rubbed his chin with one hand as he considered the General’s question.

  “I’d have to talk to the boys,” he said. “Like I said, this kingdom’s been pretty good to us. I’d hate to see anything happen to it because we were here ... especially if we’d end up working for them again anyway.”

  “No,” I said flatly.

  “But ...”

  “I said ‘No!” You’ve got a deal with Possiltum, Big Julie. More important, you’ve got a deal with me. We don’t turn you over to the Mob until we’ve tried everything we can do to defend you.”

  “And how do you propose to defend them from the Mob?” Badaxe asked, sarcastically.

  “I don’t know. I’m working on it. Maybe we can buy them off. Offer them Queen Hemlock to hold for ransom or something.”

  “Lord Magician!”

  “Okay, okay. I said I was still working on it, didn’t I? What’s next, Big Julie? You said there were a couple things they wanted besides money.”

  “You,” he said bluntly, “The Mob isn’t going to be happy until they get the Great Skeeve, Court Magician of Possiltum.”

  “Me?” I said in a small voice.

  “The Mob didn’t get to the top by ignoring the competition. You’ve made some pretty big ripples with your work, and the biggest as far as they’re concerned is making their army disappear. They know you’re big. Big enough to be a threat. They’re gonna want you neutralized. My guess is that they’ll try to hire you, and failing that, try for some sort of non-aggression deal.”

  “And failing that ...?” Badaxe asked, echoing my thoughts. Big Julie shrugged.

  “Failing that, they’re gonna do their best to kill you.”

  “BUT WHY do I have to come along?” Badaxe protested, pacing along at my side as we strode towards the Queen’s chambers.

  “Call it moral support,” I growled. “Besides, I want a witness that I went into the Queen’s chambers ... and came out again, if you get my drift.”

  “But if this will only solve one of our problems ...”

  “Then it will be one less problem for us to deal with. Shh! Here we are.”

  I had switched back to my Rodrick disguise. That combined with the General’s presence was enough to have the Honor Guards at the Queen’s chambers snap to rigid attention at our approach. I ignored them and hammered on the door, though I did have a moment to reflect that not long ago, I thought the biggest problem facing a king was boredom!

  “For cryin’ out loud!” came a shrill voice from within. “Can’t you guards get anything right? I told you I didn’t want to be disturbed!”

  One of the guards rolled his eyes in exasperation. I favored him with a sympathetic smile, and then raised an eyebrow at Badaxe.

  “King Rodrick the Fifth of Possiltum seeks an audience with Queen Hemlock!” he bellowed.

  “I suppose it’s all right,” came the reply. “How about first thing in th
e morning?”

  “Now,” I said.

  I didn’t say it very loud, but it must have carried. Within a few heartbeats the door flew open, exposing Queen Hemlock ... literally. I can’t describe her clothing because she wasn’t wearing any. Not a stitch!

  “Roddie!” she chirped, oblivious to the guards and Badaxe, all of whom gaped at her nakedness. “Come on in. What in the world are you doing here?”

  “Wait for me,” I instructed Badaxe in my most commanding tone.

  “C ... certainly, Your Majesty!” he responded, tearing his eyes away from the Queen long enough to snap to attention. With that, I stepped into the Queen’s lair.

  “So, what have you got for me?” She shut the door and leaned back against it. The action made her point at me, even though her hands were behind her back.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “The audience;’ she clarified. “You wanted it, you got it. What’s up?”

  Somehow under the circumstances, I found that to be another embarrassing question.

  “I … um ... that is ... could you please put something on? I’m finding your attire, or lack thereof, to be quite distracting.”

  “Oh, very well. It is beastly hot in here, though.”

  She flounced across the room and came up with a flimsy something which she shrugged into, but didn’t close completely.

  “Right after the wedding,” she declared, “I want that window enlarged, or better yet, the whole wall torn out. Anything to get a little ventilation in this place.”

  She plopped down in a chair and curled her legs up under her. It eased my discomfort somewhat, but not much.

  “Ahh ... actually, that’s what I’m here to talk to you about.”

  “The window?” she frowned.

  “No. The wedding.”

  That made her frown even more.

  “I thought it was agreed that I would handle all the wedding arrangements. Oh, well, if you’ve got any specific changes, it isn’t too late to ...”