Love Is...

by Haley Hill

  Professor Takahashi removed the headphones he was wearing and looked up at me.

  I glared at him, hands on hips. ‘You didn’t tell me the avatar could change,’ I said, feeling my jugular twitching. ‘At the last bloody minute!’

  Dominic leaned back, resting on his arms. ‘So you had a go, did you? Good for you.’

  ‘No. Not good for me,’ I said, temporarily redirecting my glare to Dominic, then back to Professor Takahashi. ‘Thanks to that bullshit booth, I got a dose of oxytocin for the wrong bloody person. Again.’ My head throbbed. ‘How is that supposed to strengthen my primary bond, Professor Takahashi?’

  Professor Takahashi jumped to his feet and tapped on his phone. ‘This is interesting,’ he said, seemingly more focused on digitally documenting my experience than actually helping me. ‘In some resistant cases, the unconscious desires can override the conscious. I should have explained that was a risk. My apologies.’

  I tutted loudly. ‘So what do I do now?’

  Professor Takahashi glanced at the digital clock on the screen beside him. ‘The effect of the oxytocin will pass,’ he said. ‘It needs to be topped up regularly to form a lasting bond, so—’ he glanced at Dominic and then back at me ‘—I suggest you return to New York to spend time with your primary partner.’

  I sighed. ‘Why do you keep saying “primary partner”? Like I have a secondary, or tertiary bonds all over the globe?’

  Professor Takahashi raised his eyebrows. ‘It was your unconscious that sabotaged your treatment, Ellie, not my booth.’

  ‘Treatment?’ My hands were back on my hips. ‘For what?’

  Professor Takahashi looked me in the eye. ‘A marriage in crisis,’ he said.

  Every muscle in my body tensed. I wanted to leap across the hole in the floor and swipe my foot into Professor Takahashi’s face like a character from The Matrix. But instead I stood there scowling like a huffy child.

  ‘Come on, Dominic,’ I eventually mustered, ‘we’re going.’

  Professor Takahashi nodded at our exit, then glanced back down at his phone.

  Outside the centre, Dominic hailed a taxi.

  ‘Come on, grumps,’ he said, opening the taxi door for me. ‘You need cheering up.’

  ‘I’m not grumpy,’ I said, getting in. ‘I’m justifiably enraged for being duped by a hyper-sexed tanning booth.’

  He climbed in after me, leaned across and dug me in the ribs. ‘It’s not your time of the month, is it?’ He started laughing loudly.

  I glared at him until he stopped. ‘My primary relationship is in crisis. My husband is most likely shagging his Mensa-grade, knockout colleague, and now, nearly halfway through my research, I still have no bloody clue how to make love last. I think I have a very plausible and non-hormonal reason for my mood change.’

  Dominic looked at me for a moment, then smiled again. ‘So you admit to being grumpy. A full confession. Excellent. Now we can commence your “treatment”.’

  He looked out the window and pointed.

  ‘We’re in Tokyo,’ he said and started waving the expense card around. ‘Let’s do what the Japanese do best. Let’s buy stuff.’ Then he turned to me and nodded at my fleece. ‘Besides,’ he added, ‘you might need something less thermal to wear tonight.’

  I zipped up my fleece defensively and shuffled away from Dominic. Professor Takahashi’s words were still darting around in my head. Surely the feelings within us were more than a collection of variables to be measured and monitored by technology? And was my marriage really in crisis? I wondered. I gazed out the window and thought about Clapham, about Rupert, about our romantic old house. What was it about that life that had made Nick want to escape? We’d been apart only for a few weeks, but he seemed such a distant figure in my mind. I needed to be reminded of him, reminded that we hadn’t lost what we’d once had. I turned further away from Dominic, then reached for my phone and dialled Nick’s number.

  The international ringtone pulsed into my ear as I considered what I might say.

  Nick: ‘Hi, sweetheart. How’s Japan?’

  Me: ‘Great, thanks. I just went into a booth to have virtual sex with you but instead I got another shot of oxytocin at the moment of orgasm when my subconscious flipped your face and body for Dominic’s. Because really, I’d much rather have sex with him. So how are you? All OK there? How’s Jenna? Still sleeping with her?’

  Fortunately it went to voicemail. I left a garbled message asking him if he’d like me to pick up anything from the Japanese shops, as though international commerce were an unrealised notion.

  When he saw my expression, Dominic snatched my phone and threw it into my bag.

  ‘Come on, fleecy,’ he said. ‘Last one to Prada is a rotten tamagoyaki.’

  Inside Prada, we wandered around looking at the chicly dressed mannequins.

  ‘Remind me why we’re here again?’ I said, fondling a pink fur scarf. ‘Not sure Prada holds the secret to lasting love.’

  Dominic picked up a man’s shirt and unfolded it. ‘Thoughts on navy?’ he asked, holding it up under his chin.

  I was about to say something scathing or sarcastic but when I looked at him, at the deep blue against his tanned skin and hazel eyes, I found myself smiling.

  ‘Looks good,’ I said, quickly realising I was once again under the spell of oxytocin.

  He smiled and then handed it to a sales assistant.

  ‘I’ll take it,’ he said. Then he walked over to me and linked arms. ‘Your turn now.’

  I walked alongside the rails, eyeing the sheer fabrics draped over heavy wooden hangers. I stopped to look more closely at a tailored white shirt. Nick loved the classic look on women. I held it up. It was the kind of shirt Jenna probably wore to work, with just a hint of pert, tanned cleavage.

  ‘No,’ said Dominic, removing it from my hand. ‘Try this on instead.’ He handed me a bright orange silk garment. I held it up against me, trying to ascertain whether it was a dress or a top.

  I snatched back the shirt. ‘I’ll try on both,’ I said.

  Dominic looked at the shirt and then cocked his head. ‘OK,’ he said, grabbing a grey leather miniskirt. He checked the size, then handed it to me, ‘but pair it with this.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ I said, attempting a salute.

  The staff tried to block Dominic from entering the fitting room, but he barged past them claiming he was my stylist and his presence was vital.

  I pulled the curtain shut and unzipped my fleece. I had a white vest on underneath and my chest seemed to burst right out.

  ‘Ooh, hello,’ Dominic said, peering through the crack at the side.

  ‘Sod off,’ I said, closing the curtain tighter and covering myself with my arms. I knew I’d been eating like a pig and drinking like a German but I hadn’t realised just how much weight I must have gained without twice-weekly trips to my Virgin gym. I pulled off my vest and noticed that my stomach had that well-fed curve to it too.

  ‘I hope we’re having sushi tonight,’ I said, mostly to myself.

  ‘If you wear that orange dress, I’ll eat gorilla testicles.’ Dominic sniggered. ‘You done yet?’

  ‘No,’ I said, stepping into the dress. As I slid it on, I remembered how different I looked with a few curves. Until now, the strain of the business expansion and the seemingly endless rounds of fertility treatment had left me flat bottomed and flat chested.

  I readjusted the straps and looked in the mirror.

  Dominic peered around the curtain.

  ‘Bloody hell, Ellie,’ he said and then swallowed.

  I looked at him, then back at my reflection.

  ‘You don’t think it’s a bit Kardashian?’ I said, turning round and assessing the impact of the weight gain on my rear.

  Dominic laughed, then shook his head. ‘I always knew you had a great body,’ he said, ‘and I had a good eyeful in Iceland, but, well, all I can say is wow.’

  I turned back to the mirror. ‘Maybe I should get the white shirt inst
ead. I’m not sure I’m comfortable parading around Tokyo dressed like a Pussycat Doll.’

  Dominic narrowed his eyes. ‘Ellie, this is Prada. It’s classy. Besides, you couldn’t look tarty if you wore pink PVC hot pants.’ He paused and then rubbed his temples. ‘Is it wrong for that image to give me a hard-on?’

  I rolled my eyes and then pulled the curtain shut.

  ‘You’re getting that dress,’ he said. ‘And the shirt too, along with a few pairs of jeans so you look less like a homeless hobo for the remainder of our time here.’

  Chapter 24

  That night we dined at Dazzle, a restaurant Dominic said was famed not only for its Michelin-starred food but also for its award-winning interior. He claimed it was the only venue worthy of my new dress.

  By my second glass of champagne, I began to feel less exposed in the four square inches of satin.

  ‘Did you know Tokyo has more Michelin star restaurants than any other city?’ Dominic said, taking a sip. ‘It would have been criminal not to come to one.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, taking a sip myself, ‘and it’s vital to our research that we thoroughly immerse ourselves in a different culture.’

  Dominic laughed. ‘Not sure we can fully justify expensing those Louboutins as well as the dress.’ He gazed down at my shoes, pausing en route to glance at my cleavage.

  Then he looked up at me and smiled.

  My stomach tightened.

  He leaned forward and placed his hand on top of mine. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

  ‘For what?’

  His smile softened. ‘Sorry about Jenna and Nick. That’s a shitty thing to find out.’

  ‘I know,’ I said, and then paused. ‘But it’s not as though I’ve been entirely innocent, is it?’

  Dominic laughed. ‘Oh, but you have, Ellie.’ He squeezed my hand and then glanced back at my chest. ‘I wish you hadn’t, but you have.’

  I took another sip of champagne.

  Dominic leaned forward and swept a strand of hair from my face. ‘You have to admit you’ve been tempted though, haven’t you?’

  I stared at him and then took another sip.

  He grinned. ‘I’ll take that as a yes.’ He topped up my glass. ‘If I get you completely drunk, might I be able to tempt you a little bit more?’

  I forced a laugh and then shook my head.

  Dominic snatched the glass away. ‘Actually, on second thoughts, this might take longer than anticipated so best you pace yourself.’

  I laughed.

  He took my hand again and stared at me. ‘You know I’d be with you in a heartbeat, Ellie Rigby, don’t you?’

  I laughed again. ‘Didn’t that booth sex get it out of your system?’

  ‘I mean be with you. Not just have sex. Besides,’ he said, ‘that booth just made me hornier.’

  I grabbed my glass back and took a gulp. ‘So what did you think of it?’

  He screwed up his mouth. ‘A brilliant concept, but something not quite right about the whole thing.’

  I nodded. ‘Me too.’

  Dominic downed his champagne and then leaned forward. ‘I have to ask you,’ he said. ‘The female bodysuit, did it have, you know, something attached to it?’

  My face flushed.

  Dominic closed his eyes and took a deep breath. ‘I never need porn ever again.’

  I laughed.

  He continued. ‘So are you going to tell me who it was?’

  ‘Who what was?’

  ‘The person your avatar turned into in the end, you know, at the crucial moment?’

  I stared at him. His mouth was curled at the edges, ready to spread into a huge grin. He knew it was him.

  ‘Hugh Jackman,’ I said, taking another sip. ‘Can you believe it? Like my bond with him needed strengthening at all.’

  Dominic scrunched up his face. ‘You’re joking, aren’t you?’

  I shook my head, laughing.

  ‘You seriously like him? I mean, he was OK as Wolverine but isn’t he a chorus singer too? Don’t you find that a bit camp?’

  I laughed. ‘Not jealous, are you?’

  He huffed and then refilled his glass.

  I stared at him until he met my gaze. ‘So you’re not threatened by my actual real relationship with my husband. You don’t see that as a barrier at all? However, you are threatened by a Hollywood star who I have zero chance of ever meeting, let alone actually embarking on a relationship with?’

  He laughed. ‘I like you, Ellie. I can’t help my feelings.’ He took another sip. ‘And of course I’m aware that your real-life “colleague-shagging” husband is a barrier to our relationship.’

  I took a deep breath. ‘We don’t have a relationship, Dominic.’

  He put his glass down and stared at me, his expression suddenly shifting. I noticed his jaw tense. ‘Then what is this, Ellie?’ he said, pointing at us both. ‘What is it?’

  I glanced down at the empty plate in front of me and tried desperately to think of something to say.

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Ellie,’ he said, loudly enough for the people on the table beside us to glance over. He stared at me, imploring me to speak. I could see his lips trembling.

  I said nothing.

  He stared at me some more, then eventually stood up, knocking over his champagne glass as he did, then stormed out of the restaurant.

  I looked back at the glass, still spinning around on the table top. It fell to the floor and shattered instantly.

  The waiter hurried over, and began clearing up the glass and dabbing the spill. I looked up to see the other diners staring at me in silence. I glared back at them, hurried after Dominic.

  Outside, the air was heavy and hot, noises bombarded my eardrums: engines roaring, music booming, people shrieking, sirens blaring. It felt as though the city itself were trying to warn me.

  I found Dominic hailing a taxi and felt a sudden surge of fury.

  I reached for his arm. ‘So you were just going to leave me here in the street, were you?’

  He turned round, eyes narrowed. ‘You can’t have it all ways, Ellie,’ he said. ‘You can’t pretend not to care and then act like you do.’

  I stared back at him. ‘I can’t care,’ I said. ‘I vowed not to care.’

  He waved the taxi on and then walked towards me.

  ‘This is madness,’ he said. ‘How can you pretend there’s nothing there?’

  ‘Because I have to,’ I said, my gaze dropping down to the pavement.

  He came closer and gripped my arms. ‘Well, I don’t have to,’ he said, pulling me towards him. ‘And I don’t want to.’

  I looked up at him, at the intensity in his stare.

  ‘He doesn’t deserve you,’ he said, then pulled me closer. I could feel his muscles pressing against me. I tried to wriggle free but his grasp was firm.

  Another siren came blaring down the street and it felt as though my senses shut down to the city around me. When his lips met mine, all I could hear was silence.

  Moments later, Dominic lurched backwards. I opened my eyes to see that someone had him by the scruff. It took a few seconds for my brain to register what was happening, but when I saw Nick’s wide eyes, staring back at me in disbelief, the realisation of what I had done bore down like a jackhammer to the cranium.

  Without saying a word, Nick turned to Dominic and punched him in the face.

  Dominic fell backwards, then quickly regained his balance. ‘Whoa, easy, mate,’ Dominic said, rubbing his cheek.

  ‘Easy?’ Nick said, grabbing him by the arms.

  I stepped forward.

  Nick looked at me again, before kneeing Dominic in the stomach.

  Dominic staggered backwards, then when he’d caught his breath he held up his hands. ‘OK, OK,’ he said. ‘Fair enough, I deserve it.’ He walked towards Nick with his hand out as though he intended to make peace. ‘But,’ he added, quickly retracting it, ‘you deserve this.’ Then he punched Nick in the stomach.

  Nick doubled over and
then coughed several times before charging at Dominic.

  ‘Enough!’ I shouted, waving my arms in the air.

  They both turned to me.

  ‘This is my fault,’ I said. ‘Be angry with me. Not each other.’

  Nick glared at me. ‘Yes, it is your fault.’ Then he glared at Dominic. ‘But this creep has been after you from the beginning.’

  Dominic laughed. ‘Creep?’ he said, tucking his shirt back in. ‘I’m the guy who’s been here for Ellie while you’ve been shagging the office slapper.’

  Nick’s face contorted and he squared up to Dominic. ‘You know fuck all about me or my life, so why don’t you just fuck off.’

  Dominic shrugged his shoulders. ‘I know that you’re a bloody idiot for neglecting Ellie.’

  Nick pushed Dominic away and then turned to me. ‘Oh great, so you’ve been crying on this twat’s shoulder, have you? Telling him I’m neglecting you. You’re the one who wanted to go on this ridiculous trip.’

  ‘Well, you’re the one who wanted to drag me away from my friends and my life to go to New York.’

  Nick glared at me.

  I glared back at him. ‘I never wanted to go,’ I said.

  Nick stepped forward. ‘Well, I never wanted to live in a dusty old house with carpets in the bathroom.’

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘It was a beautiful house.’

  ‘It was a shithole. And we didn’t have the money to renovate it.’

  ‘I loved it.’

  Nick continued to glare at me. ‘Well, I didn’t.’

  ‘But you said you were happy there.’

  Nick sighed. ‘I never said that, Ellie. You were so busy making plans for the both of us, you forgot to ask.’

  I scowled at him. ‘You should’ve told me you weren’t happy.’

  Nick raised his eyebrows. ‘I did but you never listened. You were too preoccupied trying to create the perfect life for us.’

  ‘Great, so it’s all my fault.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Nick answered.

  ‘What about your part in all this?’

  Nick threw up his arms. ‘My part? So now you’re going to tell me I drove you into this bellend’s arms?’ He gestured at Dominic. Then glanced back at me. ‘Nice dress, by the way,’ he said. ‘Can’t remember the last time you wore something like that with me.’