Love Is...

by Haley Hill

  I swallowed again feeling like there was something in my throat I was failing to dislodge.

  Victoria continued, oblivious. ‘I also had my private investigator delve into his financial affairs. Very interesting. Apparently he’s made more money than his grandfa—’

  ‘Enough,’ I said, narrowing my eyes. ‘I don’t want to hear any more.’

  She cocked her head with a pained expression. ‘You really are in love with him, aren’t you?’

  I looked up at the sky. The stars seemed to be popping out like hundreds of bright eyes opening to witness a great event. I felt sorry to disappoint them. ‘If a nasal spray switched these feelings on,’ I said, ‘then maybe a nasal spray could switch them off.’

  Victoria turned to me. ‘Hah,’ she said. ‘If only it could be that simple.’

  I looked up at the sky and smiled. ‘I’m starting to think it might be,’ I said.

  She forced a laugh, then reached for the bottle.

  That night, despite the vat of wine sloshing around my body, I barely slept. It seemed as though every noise was louder; every rustle, every scuttle, dragged me back to consciousness. Images of Nick, Dominic, the witch doctor, Victoria, poor Connie on a life support machine, even Matthew’s lap dance with the PC Truncheon, all flicked through my mind like an amateur cartoon strip. It was though my brain was desperately trying to file recent experiences but was at a loss at how to categorise them. I forced an image of Dominic to the front of my mind. The details of his face seemed hazy. His eyes were clear and his smile I could recall, but the rest seemed to be blurred, like a watermarked photograph. I switched the image to one of Nick. I tried to make the face in my mind smile, but it looked so sad, and the background grey. I zoomed closer. I could see every line, every crease deeply etched in his skin. I watched a tear trickling down his cheek. I heard sobs in my mind. I covered my head with my pillow, trying to block out the image. I couldn’t. It grew bigger and bigger until I felt stabs in my stomach and my muscles clenched. It felt as though I was drowning in some kind of abstract pain. I tried to breathe but I couldn’t. I tried to cry out but was paralysed. My skin felt hot, prickly. I was sweating from every pore. But I felt cold, so cold. Suddenly the image of Nick’s face morphed into mine, but the eyes grew black, the expression sinister. Horns erupted out of the side of the head, thick red blood spewed from the mouth. The mouth widened and widened until the jaw unhinged and split from the face. I felt sucked in, dragged down, I was falling. All I could see was red. All I could hear was a high-pitched scream.

  ‘Ellie? Ellie, are you OK?’

  I sat bolt upright in bed and looked around. The morning sun was so fierce, it took a moment to register Victoria standing over me in her white nightie.

  ‘Are you OK?’ she repeated.

  I rubbed my eyes. ‘I think so,’ I said, looking around. ‘Where are we?’

  She put her palm against my forehead. ‘Shit, Ellie. You’ve got a raging fever.’

  I lay back down and pulled up the blanket. My teeth began to chatter.

  ‘I’m freezing,’ I said.

  Victoria looked around. Her hand hovered over the glass of water next to my bed. Then she retracted it. ‘I’ll get you some Evian,’ she said. ‘Wait here.’

  I smirked. I tried to whisper, I’m not going anywhere, but just as I pursed my lips, I felt my eyes roll back into their sockets.

  Chapter 28

  I woke to see Nick’s face peering down at me. He looked annoyed.

  He turned to Victoria, who was again decked out in safari gear.

  ‘You got me all this way,’ he said to her, ‘and it was the bloody flu.’

  She shrugged her shoulders. ‘I thought it was dengue fever. That’s what the symptom checker website implied.’

  Nick rolled his eyes. ‘Flu. Brilliant. What a waste of my time.’

  I pulled myself up in bed. ‘People die from flu, you know.’

  He glanced back down at me. ‘Yeah, some people also die from eating a peanut,’ he said. ‘You look fine to me.’

  I scowled at him. ‘I didn’t ask you to come.’

  ‘No,’ he said, turning to Victoria, ‘your melodramatic friend did.’ He put his hand on his hip and affected a silly high-pitched voice. ‘It’s serious, Nick. It might be your last chance to make peace with each other. Ellie needs you.’ He rolled his eyes again. ‘All that for a head cold.’

  ‘Flu,’ Victoria interrupted.

  ‘Whatever,’ said Nick, glancing back down at me. ‘I’m surprised Mr Muscle isn’t here, mopping your brow with his giant cock.’

  Victoria screwed up her face. ‘That would be an odd thing to do.’

  Nick huffed.

  Victoria studied him for a moment as though she’d been presented with an unknown mammal for classification. Her expression implied she’d place him somewhere between baboon and rodent.

  ‘You’re being quite childish, Nick. Ellie has been very unwell.’

  He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?’

  I pulled myself further up. If I’d had enough strength I would’ve bopped him over the head with my Evian bottle.

  ‘Why don’t you just go back to New York then?’ I said to him. ‘I’m sure Jenna and her fifteen-inch waist are missing you.’

  He turned to me with a forced smile. ‘Because, my sweet, the next flight back to New York isn’t until tomorrow morning.’

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘Oh, another night without her. How will you cope?’

  He glared at me and shook his head.

  Victoria clapped her hands. ‘Right now, children,’ she said. ‘That’s enough of that.’ Then she walked towards me and sat down on the bed. ‘We’re all highly relieved that you’re not dying of dengue fever,’ she said. ‘But you need to rest. I’ll take Nick on safari or something to keep him entertained.’ She turned back to Nick. ‘That OK with you?’ she asked.

  He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Sure,’ he said, ‘just as long as it’s safe to leave Ellie. I mean, who knows, she might get stung by a bee while we’re gone.’

  I tutted and pulled the sheet back over my head. My muscles ached and my nerves twinged. I peered out from the sheet to see Victoria and Nick walk away. I wanted to call after him but I couldn’t. It was hard to see against the raging rays of the sun, but just as I dropped my head back down into the pillow, I was certain I saw Nick glance back over his shoulder.

  It was close to dusk by the time they returned, and driven insane with boredom, I’d managed to drag myself out of bed and into the Jacuzzi. My fever had broken and it felt good to soak my aching muscles in warm water.

  I saw Nick’s face first when they both walked around the corner. He burst out laughing.

  ‘How’s the patient?’ he said. ‘Can we get you some champers while you’re in there?’ Then he nudged Victoria in the ribs. ‘Pop that one in symptom checker,’ he said, laughing some more.

  I rolled my eyes and turned away.

  ‘Glad to see you’re feeling better,’ Victoria said to me, before scowling at Nick. Then she said something about nipping off to have a quick shower and left me and Nick in a sulky stand-off.

  We both stared out over the plains. The sun was halfway behind the horizon. It seemed tonight it was clear which way it wanted to go. I glanced at Nick, then back out at the setting sun. There was a comforting certainty to nature. Everyone had their roles. The crickets chirped at dusk, the panthers prowled at night. There were no deviations. It was simple. Instinct, not logic was the drive. I rested my head against the side of the Jacuzzi and wondered if we humans hadn’t brought misery with our complexity.

  I turned to Nick. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

  He unfolded his arms and squatted down beside the Jacuzzi. ‘For what?’ he asked, his expression softening.

  I looked at him, about to apologise for Victoria’s hysteria-inducing misdiagnosis, but before I could stop myself I blurted it out. ‘Everything,’ I said.

  Nick stared into t
he water, took a sharp breath and then slowly let it out again.

  ‘You’re not the only one to blame,’ he said, dipping his toe into the water.

  I nodded.

  He jumped up and started pulling off his trousers. ‘OK if I join you?’ he asked.

  When he pulled down his underpants, I tensed up, feeling slightly awkward.

  He plopped in next to me, laughing. ‘Relax,’ he said, ‘I’m not Dominic. I’m not trying to seduce you. I just don’t want to get my pants wet.’ Then he stared at me, as though trying to read my expression. ‘Or maybe I should try some of his moves? Is that where I’ve been going wrong?’

  I looked at him. The idea of seduction by someone so familiar seemed odd, almost incestuous. In fact, in the absence of the appropriate neurochemicals, the notion of seduction itself seemed borderline ludicrous. I shook my head.

  ‘No,’ I said.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes, then eventually both turned to each other.

  ‘I never slept with him,’ I said.

  Nick looked into my eyes, his shoulders lifting slightly. ‘I know,’ he said.

  I stared at him, waiting for him to reciprocate, but instead he said nothing.

  My heart beat faster, my throat tightened. ‘And you?’ I asked.

  He pushed my hair back over my shoulder and looked into my eyes. ‘You already know the answer,’ he said.

  He put his arm around me, and I smiled and leaned into him, but my muscles tensed again. Part of me was desperate for clarification about Jenna. I wanted to delve further, to know precisely what had gone on: what he had said, what she had said, what he had thought and why he had stopped trusting himself. However, I knew that any answers would most likely pose more questions. Besides, there was no reason for me to share every thought I’d had about Dominic. What good would that do? I took a breath. Then I took another. With each breath it felt as though, one by one, my muscles began to relax. My thoughts began to settle too, this time with some order. It may have been because of the residual fever but when I looked up at the sky, the stars seemed to be glowing brighter, as though trying to tell me the answers had been there for the taking all along.

  I stared at them some more and thought about what I had learned.

  The divorce lawyer had told me most marriages could be saved; Ernest of the Texan retreat had taught me that resistance is fear. Susan Willecox had told me that our drives are incompatible with our values; Professor Sheldon had taught me that love is simply a physiological response to chemicals. Jed Tandy thought each of us perceived love differently. Bore Gunnarsson had said love is nothing more than moments in time. Professor Takahashi had taught me that technology can enhance love and Dr Menzi had taught me that a marriage could not thrive in isolation.

  I glanced back up at the stars again. I’d hoped that by searching for information and consulting the experts, I would be more empowered to help people. However, it wasn’t until now, nearing the end of my research, that I realised the answers I’d found had only raised more questions.

  I laughed again, though out loud this time, and Nick turned to me. I couldn’t help but smile. I knew now that love wasn’t something we could control. Its component parts might be easy to manipulate, but its essence, like the universe, was undefinable and ever-changing.

  Mandi had once said that love was a choice. And for the most part, she was right. The hurt Nick and I had felt was the result of the choices we’d made, not the feelings we’d developed for others. I could have chosen to postpone my research with Dominic and go back home. And he could’ve chosen to work less ‘closely’ with Jenna. I closed my eyes and the light from the stars throbbed through my mind, until eventually it faded to nothing. Then I opened my eyes and turned back to Nick.

  ‘I love you,’ I said.

  He pulled me towards him. ‘I love you too, Ellie Rigby.’

  We smiled at each other. It was as though each time we said the words, we had a deeper understanding of what they meant.

  Victoria never made a reappearance. Although, at one point between when Nick and I moved from the Jacuzzi to the sofa, I saw a flash of designer khaki, and heard some rustling in the bushes.

  The African planes had quietened down, but Nick and I were just waking up. We drank Hasina’s house wine and talked until it was only us and the cicada beetles left standing. We talked about his job, we talked about my research, and we talked about the life we’d had together.

  ‘Did you really feel railroaded?’ I asked, when he’d explained again that he had never wanted to live in Clapham.

  He nodded. ‘You were so enthusiastic. I didn’t have the heart to tell you I hated South West London.’

  ‘How can you hate it?’ I asked. ‘It’s beautiful.’

  He laughed. ‘Rows and rows of the same terrace houses. Each one with identical interiors. Everyone drives a Range Rover. All the women are blonde, did you notice that? It’s weird.’

  I shook my head. ‘I can’t believe you agreed to move there if you hated it.’

  He laughed. ‘And I can’t believe you agreed to leave when you loved it so much.’

  I slapped my hand against my forehead. ‘Why didn’t we just talk?’

  Nick put his arm around me and pulled me towards him. ‘Because, my little firecracker, neither of us was ready to listen.’

  I looked up at him, at his brown eyes shining in the candlelight, and I thought about how much had changed. ‘I’m ready to listen now,’ I said.

  He smiled and then took my hand and led me to the bed. ‘You need to get some sleep,’ he said with a smirk. ‘Don’t want a dengue fever relapse, now do we?’

  Then he snuggled up next to me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

  After a while I turned to face him. ‘Come back with me,’ I said.

  He smiled. ‘No,’ he said. ‘You come back with me.’

  I laughed and then pulled him closer.

  ‘Let’s go back together,’ I said.

  Chapter 29

  I walked along Cabot Square in Canary Wharf, holding my laptop case in one hand, and my phone to my ear with the other. I took a deep breath and lifted my face to the sun, trying not to let my contented mood be subdued by the exasperated sigh Matthew had just emitted down the line.

  ‘Right, let’s get this straight,’ he said. ‘You’ve abandoned your quest to save everyone else’s marriage in order to save your own?’

  ‘The two aren’t mutually exclusive,’ I said readjusting the waistband on my pencil skirt. It was feeling a little snug. ‘Besides, I haven’t abandoned it. I’ve cut it short and now I’m compiling the research.’

  He sighed again. ‘OK, whatever way you want to frame it. And now you and Nick are happily back together?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And living in Shoreditch?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He laughed. ‘I love that you’re now up the road from me. But seriously, Ellie, we’ve discussed this before. You shop at Debenhams. Shoreditch is no place for you.’

  ‘The flat is nice. And Nick loves it.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘I’ll take North London over New York any day.’

  He laughed. ‘And Jenna is still firmly placed across the water?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘where her and her man-trapping self can stay.’

  ‘And Dominic?’

  I cleared my throat.

  ‘Where is Dominic, Ellie?’

  I said nothing.

  ‘Tell me he’s been run over, or moved to Nebraska?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘He’s still in the London office.’

  Matthew let out a long sigh.

  ‘It’s not as though I can tell him to quit his job and leave the country, is it?’

  Matthew said nothing.

  ‘Anyway, I haven’t seen him yet. It’s my first day back.’

  Matthew sighed again.

  ‘Look, there’s nothing to worry about, it’s all good. Nick and I are good. We’re good.’


  ‘Do you want to say good again just in case you’re not quite convinced?’

  I laughed. ‘I am convinced. Don’t worry.’

  ‘That’s what Lucy said the night before she first ran off with Smarmy Balls.’

  I sighed. ‘But she’s back now and that’s all that matters, so you need to stop mentioning it. Remember what your therapist said?’

  ‘Fair point,’ he said. ‘Although technically my therapist said I shouldn’t keep mentioning it to Lucy. I can say what I like to you.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘You’ve chosen to forgiven Lucy,’ I said. ‘So you have to stop mentioning it altogether. To yourself included. Or I’ll get PC Schlong on your case again.’

  ‘Do that,’ he replied, ‘and I’ll tell everyone you had a threesome in an Icelandic spring.’

  ‘It was an interview.’

  He laughed. ‘Perhaps. But I can be very convincing.’

  Given Matthew’s mood, I decided to wait for a better time to impart the rest of my news. ‘Flat-warming party, tomorrow night. Be there, or—’

  ‘Or get double-dipped in a spring?’ he said.

  Before I could think of a quick retort, he’d already hung up.

  It had only been a few months since I’d last been in the London office, but as I walked through the glass doors, it felt like I was stepping back into a past life. I hovered by the reception desk for a moment, almost contemplating signing in for a visitor’s pass.

  Suddenly something very pink engulfed my field of vision. It was Mandi, wearing a luminous pencil dress with some sort of bump-enhancing cummerbund. Not that it needed any enhancing at this stage.

  ‘Ellie, Ellie,’ she squealed, bobbing up and down on the spot, ‘you’re back!’ She clapped her hands above her head and began waddling around the office shouting, ‘Ellie’s back everyone! She’s back!’ as though I were Marco Polo returning with treasures from the Orient.

  Staff began peering out of their offices and waving a polite welcome. I felt a bit conspicuous standing in the middle of the floor so I found a chair behind my old desk and sat down. Immediately, I noticed everything was different. My stacked files and piled-up notes had been replaced by two Apple screens. The usually cluttered surface was clear apart from a phone. I glanced at the screen save. It was a photo of Tokyo and there was a girl wearing an orange dress. My stomach flipped.