The Invitation_The perfect laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Keris Stainton

  ‘I need a shower first,’ Piper said.

  ‘Actual filth,’ Matt said. ‘I’m into it.’

  * * *

  ‘Are you going to go home every weekend now?’ Matt asked. ‘Cos if you are, I might have to find myself a new flat-mate, know what I mean?’

  ‘It’s not every weekend,’ Piper had said. ‘I didn’t go home last weekend.’

  ‘I remember when this was your home,’ Matt said dramatically. But Piper knew him well enough to know he kind of meant it, was genuinely concerned. She pulled him down onto the bed next to her, swinging one leg over his thigh.

  ‘Stop trying to get me going,’ he said, but immediately sagged against her side.

  ‘This is home,’ she said. ‘New Brighton is home too. It always has been. But when I’m there, home is here with you. You do the same thing!’

  ‘I do, yeah,’ he said. Home for Matt was Sheffield. He only ever went home for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. ‘But I miss you. I miss our Saturday breakfasts.’

  ‘I miss them too,’ Piper said. ‘What if, on weekends I’m going home, we have Friday night takeaway instead?’

  ‘Cuts a bit into my social life,’ he said, dropping back onto the mattress. ‘But okay.’

  ‘I just…’ Piper said, lying down next to him, on her stomach. ‘I’m worried about Connie.’

  ‘Yeah, Connie. That’s why you keep fleeing up the country.’

  ‘It is! I mean, not just Connie.’ She smiled, pressing her face into the duvet.

  ‘Yeah, you leave me here while you fuck off for a booty call.’

  ‘Not just a booty call. He’s cooking too.’

  ‘Cooking and fucking,’ Matt said, stretching up the bed. ‘No wonder you can’t wait to get away.’

  ‘I don’t think I could ever live there again. It’s getting easier, going back. But I have to make myself not think about it, about them. And avoid places I know will be too painful. I don’t know if I could do that if I lived there.’

  Matt raised one eyebrow at her.

  ‘And I don’t want to anyway. I love it here. I love our flat. I love Stokey. I love you!’

  ‘Good,’ Matt said. ‘Cos I don’t want to sound pathetically co-dependent or anything, but I’d be fucking lost without you.’

  ‘Same,’ Piper said.

  ‘So how was Connie?’

  Piper pulled a face. ‘I barely saw her actually. I had a cup of tea and she gave me a bag of stuff. Actually, there’s another thing you’ll like.’

  She grabbed the bag from her bedroom and handed Matt three wooden deer ornaments.

  ‘Oh my god!’ Matt immediately set them on the coffee table and reached for his phone. ‘These things are mid-century classics. You could probably sell them on eBay. Were they your parents’?’

  ‘Grandparents’, I think Connie said. She gave me a packet of Ryvita too, do you want to Instagram that as well?’

  ‘No, you’re alright.’ Matt leaned back on the sofa while he picked a filter for the photo.

  ‘So what did you do while I was away?’ Piper asked, picking up one of the deer and smoothing her hand over its back. She vaguely remembered them being in her gran’s house when she was small.

  ‘More like who did I do, am I right?’ Matt said.

  It was Piper’s turn to give Matt the eyebrow.

  ‘Yeah, you’re right. I went out with Jodie on Friday night and spent the rest of the weekend watching The Crown.’

  ‘Without me?!’

  ‘Well you weren’t here, were you? Oh and I did one of those disgusting foot peel things.’

  ‘Thank fuck I missed that,’ Piper said.

  ‘It was amazing though. You’ll have to try one.’

  Piper swung her legs off the sofa and reached for her laptop. She’d decided to write a blog post about what had happened after Rob posted the photo. About online shaming and viral photos. About why people felt the need to comment on the appearance of strangers on the internet. Plus she had a couple more brands to get back to. It was weird to think that something that had been designed to hurt her – that was if the boys who’d edited her photos had even thought of her as a person, which she doubted – had ended up being positive. She should probably find a way to include that in the post too.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Piper heard them before she saw them. Shouting and laughter and someone singing. This part – the boring part – of the office was usually quiet, apart from Radio 2 on low, but the band was approaching like a wave and Piper could feel the excitement and anticipation in the air.

  When they crashed through the double doors into Legal & Finance, they brought a burst of energy that seemed to make the air brighter. They obviously weren’t in performance clothes, but their ordinary clothes were exciting enough. Piper immediately regretted choosing to wear her black dungarees. At least she’d thought to wear her Tatty Devine rainbow parakeet necklace and gold glitter boots. But the girls still made her feel dull. They were so young. And loud. And two of them were really thin, but the other was what the tabloids would describe as ‘curvy’.

  John opened the door to his office and ushered them inside. He was already blushing and looking flustered. Keith from Marketing followed the girls through the door, along with Juliette from Press. Piper was last in and closed the door behind her, sitting between John and Juliette with her notebook and pen on the table in front of her.

  ‘We’re dead excited to be here,’ one of the girls – Piper thought it was Chelsea – said in a strong Liverpool accent. Piper hadn’t known any of them were from Liverpool.

  ‘We’re excited to have you here,’ John said stiffly.

  ‘Have you picked a name?’ the girl on Chelsea’s left asked. Piper knew she was Mia because she was wearing a necklace with it on.

  ‘No,’ Keith said. ‘We don’t want to choose something you’re not happy with. Did you have any more ideas?’

  ‘I did,’ the third girl – who must have been Frankie – said. ‘What about something like ‘Sex Toys’? So, like, Pussycat Dolls? It’s ironic.’

  Piper felt John twitching next to her.

  ‘I think,’ Juliette said, ‘we want to go for something that younger fans can identify with. So it can be edgy, but not too… age inappropriate, you know?’

  ‘Resting Bitch Face,’ Chelsea said. ‘We could be RBF for short.’

  ‘Something like that could definitely work,’ Keith said. ‘But again, I don’t think parents are necessarily going to go for something with “bitch”…’

  ‘I was thinking Cherry Bomb?’ Mia said. ‘But I don’t know if something with bomb…’

  ‘I like that one,’ Juliette said. ‘But maybe some sort of pun…’ She closed her eyes and then opened them again. ‘I can’t think of one.’

  ‘Maybe a flower?’ Frankie said. ‘The Daisies? Or The Lilies?’

  ‘Oh!’ Piper said, sitting up straighter in her seat. ‘I saw an article the other day about…’ She grabbed her phone and started typing into Google. ‘Sorry. It was about flowers that look like vaginas. Or vulvas.’

  John coughed.

  ‘Oh wow!’ Chelsea said. ‘Like that painter! I’ve seen those paintings online.’

  ‘Georgia O’Keeffe,’ Juliette said. ‘Lilies. Although she claimed that wasn’t her intention.’

  ‘Did she?’ Piper asked, glancing up from her phone. ‘I didn’t know that.’

  ‘Bit embarrassing,’ Keith said. ‘To have painted all those vaginas accidentally.’

  ‘Found it!’ Piper said, tapping on the article. ‘Five Flowers That Look Like Vaginas.’

  ‘Is that a real article?’ John said.

  Piper turned her phone to show him and he winced.

  ‘The first one’s a cactus that smells like actual shit,’ Piper said, ‘so we don’t want that one. Poppy?’ She turned the phone to show the girls. The photo showed the poppy just coming out of bud and it definitely resembled genitalia.

  ‘I like that,’ Ch
elsea said, leaning forward.

  ‘We know,’ Mia said, and all three girls laughed.

  ‘Funny,’ Chelsea said. ‘No, I mean I like that it looks like a vulva. And that there’s, like, hair on it.’

  ‘Is there more photos?’ Mia asked.

  Piper googled and showed them some more.

  ‘Looks a bit like a scrotum,’ Frankie said, pointing at one of them. ‘But then the actual flower…’

  ‘I like it,’ Mia agreed with Chelsea. ‘And Poppy’s a good name, right? Like… pop music?’

  ‘And we’re, like, pop with an edge,’ Frankie said. ‘So it could be sort of ironic, right?’

  ‘There’s an American singer called Poppy,’ Juliette said, looking up from her own phone. ‘The Poppies? Does that work?’

  ‘I like it,’ Chelsea said.

  ‘There was a sixties girl band called The Poppies,’ Juliette said, still looking at her screen.

  The girls groaned with frustration.

  ‘What about just Poppies?’ John said.

  ‘That’s taken too,’ Juliette said. She put her phone down on the table. ‘Damn. I thought we had it there.’

  * * *

  The meeting lasted for much of the afternoon and they still hadn’t managed to come up with a name everyone was happy with. They’d dealt with some other issues, though, plus they’d all been thoroughly charmed by the girls. After walking them out, Juliette and Piper had both gone to the loo and, after peeing, standing washing their hands and looking in the mirror, Juliette said, ‘You were really good in there. They liked you, I could tell.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Piper said. ‘I like them. I think they could be really great.’

  ‘Me too.’ Juliette shook her hands then reached for a paper towel and folded it in half and then half again. ‘I saw this on a TED Talk – shake your hands twelve times then fold one paper towel in half and half again and you only need to use one. Massive effect on the environment if everyone did it.’

  ‘I haven’t seen that one,’ Piper said, shaking her own hands. ‘But I love the Power Pose one. Have you seen it?’

  Juliette threw her paper towel in the bin and immediately put her hands on her hips, sticking her chest out and her chin up.

  ‘I love that one! I did it before the meeting.’

  Piper laughed. ‘Me too.’

  ‘Have you ever considered working in Press?’ Juliette asked as they left the bathroom. ‘I think you’d be great.’

  ‘I… wow,’ Piper said. ‘I hadn’t. But I will. Thank you.’

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  When Piper got home from work, she found Holly sitting on the doorstep. Piper’s first thought was that Connie had died and Holly had come to tell her in person, but before Piper even got close enough to ask, Holly stood up and said, ‘It’s okay. No one’s died.’

  Piper appreciated the fact that her sister understood. But then of course she did, she’d gone through exactly the same thing. Although she hadn’t run away to London, she’d stayed behind and lived with Connie for a year after their parents’ death.

  ‘What’s happened?’ Piper said, as she opened the door and her sister followed her inside.

  ‘James has left me,’ Holly said blankly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah. He met someone else. They’ve been together for over a year, apparently. They’re very happy.’

  Piper was absolutely gobsmacked. Holly and James had always seemed like the perfect couple.

  ‘Do you know her?’ she asked. She couldn’t think of what the natural next question should have been.

  ‘A little bit. I’ve been introduced to her at parties, that kind of thing. And I think she goes to the same gym. But I haven’t been going to the gym. Obviously.’ She pulled at the front of her size ten top. It was still baggy. Piper tried really hard not to react, but she obviously failed.

  ‘God, I know,’ Holly said. ‘But I’m not like you! I care what people think about me.’

  ‘Wow,’ Piper said. ‘Ouch.’

  She wasn’t even really surprised - Holly had been making similar comments their entire lives – but she was kind of surprised that she was doing it now.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Holly said. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. You always take it the wrong way.’

  ‘How should I take it?’ Piper said, incredulous.

  ‘I meant it as a compliment! Like… you give no fucks. In a good way. Everything I do, I do for someone else’s approval. Always have.’

  ‘Wait,’ Piper said. ‘This is… a lot. First of all: are you okay?’

  ‘Um. No. I’m definitely not okay. But I think… not because of James. I don’t think I love him. I’m not sure if I ever actually loved him.’

  ‘Oh what the fuck?!’ Piper said. ‘Seriously?’ She wanted to cry.

  ‘Yeah. I know. I thought I did, obviously. Or I told myself I did. I definitely wanted to. He was perfect. And he was nice to me. And he was rich, that didn’t hurt. But I never felt… a spark. We were comfortable. I was comfortable. But it always felt a bit like a business arrangement. I’d read about other couples and how they made each other laugh and were each other’s best friend, all that stuff, and wow, could not relate.’

  Piper shook her head. ‘I thought you were mad about each other.’

  Holly smiled tightly. ‘No. We were good together. I’m not saying we never had fun. But we haven’t had fun for a while. When he told me about her – she’s called Rachel – he said he thought we were fine and that he was happy with me until he met her and they started… whatever, that’s when he realised that’s how it should be. And that we’d never had it at all.’

  ‘Holy fuck,’ Piper said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘No.’ Holly shook her head. ‘It’s good, I think? It’s for the best. Maybe. Or it will be at some point. I mean, that’s not okay, right? I should want what he has now. I probably should have wanted it all along. I don’t know why I didn’t.’

  Piper stared at her sister for a few seconds. She’d wondered, over the years, if she really knew her, if they really knew each other. It had bothered her that they weren’t close, had never really been close – she had friends whose sisters were their BFFs, who talked about how they couldn’t manage without them, how lucky they were to have them. After their parents had died, Piper had wondered if they might get closer, but they’d actually become even more distant and she hadn’t had any idea how to stop it, wasn’t even sure if she wanted to.

  ‘You know what we should do?’ Piper said now.

  Holly looked up at her. She looked tired. But also hopeful.

  ‘We should go and get absolutely hammered.’

  * * *

  Piper rubbed her sister’s back as she vomited down the grid.

  ‘Oh fuck,’ Holly kept muttering. ‘Oh fuck.’

  Piper swayed on the edge of the kerb, one hand on Holly’s back, the other holding her hair in a ponytail, but pieces kept escaping – it wasn’t long enough.

  From the coffee shop, they’d gone to a tapas place and quickly moved from Coronas to Margaritas. It had been dark and noisy and Holly had talked about James and work and her house and her friends and while Piper hadn’t caught all of it, every bit she had heard had been miserable. Apparently, her sister had been deeply unhappy for a long time and Piper had had no idea.

  ‘I fucking hate throwing up,’ Holly said now, straightening up and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

  ‘I don’t think anyone likes it,’ Piper said.

  Holly hooked her arm through Piper’s. ‘How far to your house?’

  From the tapas place, they’d crossed the road to a cocktail bar Holly had said she’d read about in Time Out. It was dark and sort of sexy and Piper immediately imagined herself there with Rob, perched on one of the leather-topped barstools, Rob standing between her legs, his hands on her hips, giving her that cocky smile of his that made her want to bite him on the neck like a vampire.

  They’d tried a couple of di
fferent cocktails – which Piper had known was a mistake, but Holly had been very determined – and had ended up with something called a Perfect Storm, which seemed appropriate.

  ‘My fucking life,’ Holly had said, holding up the glass.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ Piper had asked.

  ‘Fuck everything and start again,’ her sister had said. ‘Like you did.’

  Piper helped her down the steps to her flat. She put the key in the door and Holly leaned heavily against her.

  ‘I really don’t recommend that,’ Piper said.

  ‘Have you got wine?’

  ‘You can’t drink wine now,’ Piper said, pushing the door open. It scraped against the tiles. ‘You need to go to sleep.’

  ‘I’ve been sick,’ Holly said. ‘I feel fine now.’

  ‘No,’ Piper said. ‘No way. I’m going to get you some water.’

  Holly followed Piper down the hall, past Piper’s bedroom and into the lounge. She slumped down on the sofa and reached down to tug off her shoes. Piper got them both glasses of water and sat down on the sofa next to her, the water on the coffee table.

  ‘Drink some,’ Piper said. She felt more sober than she should have, considering what she’d drunk too. But she’d been drinking tap water as well. And she’d eaten before they’d met up – no doubt Holly hadn’t.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ Piper asked her sister. ‘Do you want some toast?’

  ‘What time is it?’

  Piper glanced up at the Flap clock Matt had bought her as a housewarming present. ‘It’s only ten.’

  ‘Ugh,’ Holly said. ‘It feels later. Maybe one piece of toast. No butter.’

  ‘Oh fuck off,’ Piper said, getting up again and taking her own glass of water with her into the kitchen. ‘Peanut butter? Jam? Both?’

  ‘Oh god,’ Holly said. ‘Both. I’ve never tried that.’

  ‘Jesus. You haven’t lived.’

  ‘I haven’t! That’s what I’ve been saying.’ When she bit into the toast, she moaned and closed her eyes. ‘This is really good. It sounds gross. But it’s good!’ She opened her eyes, stared at Piper.