“You’re too darn smart for your own good. And my peace of mind.”
“So, you love Mr. B.”
She stared at her daughter and managed to choke out, “Wait, what?”
“You keep telling me that I should be in love if I have sex. That means you must be in love with him,” Ava concluded.
Well, damn. Should she have seen this coming? When two people dated for a certain length of time, did everyone automatically assume they were sleeping together? Advice to this kid about love and sex was sound, even if her “relationship” didn’t bear that out.
“How do you feel about him?” Courtney had asked this a few minutes ago, but Ava had evaded answering. She waited for a pushback now, but it didn’t come.
“I like him a lot,” she said enthusiastically. “He’s a good guy, honest and says what he means. You could do a lot worse.”
In fact, she had.
“He is a good guy and so far has told the truth,” Courtney admitted.
About everything but the true nature of their “relationship.” But Courtney was in on that. More concerning to her now was the fact that Ava seemed to be starting to count on him. Her instincts the other night to end things were right on.
But, wow, she realized she didn’t want to. She wasn’t in love with him, but she would never have slept with him if she didn’t have positive feelings. And he seemed to like her, too. There was genuine concern when he came over with food and the comfort of his arms. Wouldn’t she know if he was pretending?
She was tired of putting air quotes in every thought she had about Gabe and every comment she made about him. Maybe it was possible that he wanted to remove them, too.
* * *
On Monday at work, Courtney was in the hospital cafeteria eating her lunch when Taylor sat down at her table.
“Is it my imagination,” her friend said, “or are Mondays busier and more hectic than other days of the week?”
“In your department, babies come when they come.” Courtney speared a piece of lettuce with her fork. “But it always feels that way, doesn’t it? My judgment is off, though, after the bad day I had last week. We lost a kid. Seventeen.”
“Oh man—” There was instant sympathy in the other woman’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Court. That had to hit a nerve for you.”
“Yeah. It really got to me. I canceled dinner with Gabe. Just not very good company.”
“How did he take it?” Taylor met her gaze and shrugged. “How a man takes rejection says a lot about him. Even if you do have a prior agreement.”
“There was no rejection. What we have is all for show.” Tell that to her quivering hormones. “I told him I had a bad day, and why, then asked for a rain check.” Remembering what happened next made her smile.
“Why are you looking like that, all shiny and glowing? What did he do?”
Courtney finished the last bite of salad and set her fork down before wiping her mouth with a napkin. Deliberately drawing out the reveal drove her friend crazy, but she couldn’t resist.
“Come on, Court. I can’t stand the suspense.” She took a bite of her tuna melt and chewed while staring expectantly.
“Thirty minutes after I called him, he came over with a bottle of wine and takeout from the new restaurant where we were going to go. He said I needed taking care of.”
“Oh—” Taylor’s mouth was full so she couldn’t say more, but she made approving sounds to go with her favorable and mushy expression. After swallowing, she said in a reproving tone, “Courtney—”
“What?”
“You need to hang on to that man.”
“No. It wouldn’t be fair to him. This charade was his idea. His wife died, and he doesn’t want to get serious. I understand that, because I don’t, either.”
“Sometimes serious just happens when you’re not looking or expecting it.” There was an “am I right?” look on her friend’s face.
“I can’t do that to him. What we have is an insurance policy to avoid getting hurt. The rules are in place.”
“Rules were made to be broken,” Taylor pointed out. “Unless, of course, Ava doesn’t like him.”
“We had a discussion just recently about that very thing.” She sipped her iced tea. “She wanted to know how I felt about him.”
“And you told her...” Impatience glittered in her friend’s green eyes.
“It was a complicated conversation.”
“Why? It’s a yes or no question.”
“Somehow the subject of sex came up.” The question still made her uncomfortable. “And she made a huge leap that I’m in love with Gabe.”
“You slept with him?” Taylor’s mouth formed an O.
Courtney winced. “Why don’t you say that louder? I don’t think they heard you on the fourth floor.”
Taylor glanced around the busy lunch-hour cafeteria. People were moving around, talking, banging trays and utensils against plates. “No one heard me. Now quit stalling and answer the question.”
“I don’t want to. You’re going to get judge-y and jump to conclusions.”
“Have you met me?” She looked exasperated. “I’m the queen of live and let live. The empress of nice work if you can get it. And your best friend.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. This is just hard to say.” She lowered her voice. “Yes, I slept with him.”
“And?”
“It was magical.” She could still remember the feel of his lips on hers. Memories of him touching her everywhere haunted her dreams. “I would do it again in a heartbeat.”
“Then there’s your answer. The two of you have already changed the rules. Take the natural next step. Dip a toe in the water and tell him you are down with complications.”
“I don’t know—” Courtney caught her bottom lip between her teeth.
“What have you got to lose? There was an expiration date on this pretense from the beginning, so it will be over anyway. Don’t think of it as changing the rules.”
“But it is.”
“Think of it as being honest,” Taylor suggested.
That would be different, Courtney thought. But what if it went badly? That was the pessimist in her. The optimist reminded her that he was the one who had said they could put off the end a little longer. If they did, she could have more days with him, like the recent trip to the pier. Her and Gabe and Ava laughing, playing carnival games and riding the carousel. His big, steady hand holding hers. Opening doors for her and Ava, showing her daughter what a good man looked like. One who regularly got a haircut.
The idea was irresistibly tempting, but somehow she stood firm. “There’s nothing wrong with not rocking the boat.”
“That’s the difference between you and me.” Taylor’s voice held a note of irritation. “I believe in being proactive. Wondering what might have been isn’t for me.”
“That’s because you proactively push guys away before they can hurt you.”
“Maybe,” Taylor admitted. “But no one has to wonder where they stand.”
“True.” Courtney glanced at the watch on her wrist. “Wow, I have to go.”
“Okay. And, Court—” Taylor’s expression was apologetic. “Didn’t mean to push. It’s just that he sounds like such a great guy. You know I just want you to be happy, right?”
“I know. It’s fine. All good. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Courtney emptied her trash into the garbage and stacked the tray with the others on top, then headed out of the cafeteria. Not far down the hall on her right was a bank of elevators, and she took one up to the fourth floor, where the cardiac observation unit was located. The nursing supervisor alerted her to a newly admitted patient, and she went to the room after checking the medical notes.
She walked into the room and glanced at the dry-erase board with the patient’s name, her doctor, an emergenc
y contact and the nurse taking care of her today. That would be Courtney.
“Hi, Linda, my name is Courtney, and I’m your nurse. How are you feeling?”
“Okay.” The patient had an IV and was hooked up to a heart monitor. She looked small in the bed, and her short, dark hair was streaked with silver. The chart said she was fifty-eight.
“So you came in to the emergency room with chest pain.”
The woman nodded. “They drew blood and I had an echo something.”
“Echocardiogram,” Courtney said. “We’re waiting on the results now.”
“Yes. The doctor said depending on what it says, he might want to do more tests. I forget what.”
“Probably a heart catheterization.”
“That sounds right.” Linda looked tired and somewhat uninterested. Aloof.
“Have you been sleeping well?”
“An hour here and there. Two days ago I lost someone—” Her mouth trembled, and she pressed her lips together.
“I’m so sorry. It’s hard losing a spouse—”
“We weren’t married. Talking about it, though. He was the love of my life.”
Courtney had learned talking helped, and she was there to listen and observe. “How did you meet him—”
“Frank,” she said. “We were high school sweethearts. So much in love it hurt as only teenagers can be.”
“And you never married?”
“Not to each other.” An infinitely sad look slid into her eyes. “We had a fight over something stupid. I can’t even remember what it was about. But we broke up.”
“I see from the board over there that you have a daughter. She’s your emergency contact.”
“Lori.” She smiled. “I met someone in college and married him. Frank married, too, and had a family. Neither of the marriages worked out, and we stayed too long, trying not to fail. For the kids.”
“I understand that.” All too well, Courtney thought and still regretted it.
“Eventually Frank and I found each other again. We realized that we never stopped loving each other, and now he’s gone. We wasted so many years, so much time we could have been together, loving each other.” Her eyes filled with tears. “He had a massive heart attack. The paramedics couldn’t revive him.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Courtney was holding her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
Just then Dr. Shows walked into the room. The cardiologist wore a white lab coat over his blue scrubs. “Hi, Mrs. Kearny. How are you feeling? Any more chest pain?”
“No. I’m comfortable now. But you’re probably here to tell me I had a heart attack.”
“The tests so far don’t confirm that. There are no cardiac enzymes in your blood, and the echocardiogram showed severe left-ventricle systolic dysfunction. The wall motion pattern present suggests stress-induced cardiomyopathy.”
“Translation? In English, please.” Linda smiled.
“It doesn’t look like a heart attack,” he said.
Courtney’s job was to give him all the facts. She worked with Dr. Shows a lot and had for quite a while. She respected him, partly because he’d learned to trust her instincts and judgment. “Linda was just telling me she recently experienced an emotional upset. Lost someone very dear to her.”
He met her gaze, and his eyes said he understood where she was going with this. “You’re thinking broken heart syndrome.”
“What’s that?” the woman asked. “Other than the obvious.”
“More times than I can count, I’ve told a patient they’re having a coronary due to a thrombus in the artery and we need to do an angiogram to open the vessel and restore blood flow. And then have to eat my words, because the arteries were normal.”
“So it’s not a heart attack?”
“We’ll go ahead and do the angio to make sure, but because of your recent trauma and the negative tests we’ve done, there’s a good chance that it’s not. If I’m right about this, normal function usually returns after one to four weeks on medication. Beta-blockers and, temporarily, ACE inhibitors.”
“That’s good news, then,” Linda said.
“Potentially. I want that test before I say definitively.”
“But this news will help you relax a little,” Courtney pointed out.
“Yes. Thank you, Doctor,” Linda said.
“Of course. I’m going to schedule the angio. In the meantime, get some rest.” He nodded his thanks to Courtney, then walked out of the room.
“So,” Courtney said, “you must be feeling a little better about things.”
“Yes and no. I’m not scared for my health, just about the future. Being alone. Lonely. Grieving. Learning to live without Frank.”
“You have your daughter.” Courtney couldn’t think of anything else comforting to say.
“Yes.” Linda’s eyes were dark and a little vacant when she looked at Courtney. “Are you married?”
“Divorced.”
“Seeing anyone?”
Courtney wasn’t sure how to answer that and finally said, “I’ve had a few dates recently.”
“Do you like him?”
Thoughts of Gabe made her smile, and her pulse sprinted into a hundred-yard dash. “Yes.”
“Soul-deep love is rare, Courtney. If you find it, don’t blow it. Grab on to it with both hands—” A tear rolled down her cheek.
“You should get some rest, Linda. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes closed.
Quietly, Courtney slipped out of the room, but she couldn’t get the woman’s words out of her mind. Her job involved caring for critically ill patients, and almost all of them talked about needing more time. Or if they’d known then what they knew now, things would have been different. Since Gabriel, the words resonated with her in a way they never did before.
First Taylor urged her to take a chance, and now this woman who’d lost a love and had a physical reaction to it. Gabriel Blackburne was a special man, capable of deep love. She couldn’t help wondering if they could have something real, something without air quotes. When the universe was sending you signs, it didn’t seem wise to ignore them.
She was going to find out.
Chapter Thirteen
After talking to his aunt, Gabe had figured two years was long enough to avoid dealing with his loss. In some ways he already had, but it was superficial. Like not expecting to see Margo when he came home from work late at night. He’d even passed the stage where he wasn’t consciously thinking about her. Then he’d forget he didn’t expect to see her and feel the slice of pain in his chest when he realized all over again that she wasn’t there and he was alone. But he never slowed down in his work long enough to deal with what being alone meant.
Not until Courtney.
Because they had to put on their “dating” faces, technically he wasn’t alone. If he was being honest, this farce with her was the most alive he’d felt in a long time. She was fun, and he looked forward to seeing her. He let himself enjoy time with her because he didn’t have to worry about where this was going. The indefiniteness of it was genius, if he did say so himself.
“Gabe?” Courtney sat at a right angle to him at her kitchen table. “I don’t think you heard a word I just said.”
“Hmm?” He blinked at her and came back to the present. It was Saturday night, and he was at her place for a quiet dinner. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“Apparently nothing of great consequence.” Courtney looked at Ava, who was sitting across the table from her. The teen had joined them for dinner, which was a pleasant surprise. “You, my dear daughter, are officially no longer the only one who doesn’t listen to me.”
Gabe bumped the fist the teen held out to him. He needed to be present right now and not thinking about the past.
There would be plenty of time to do that later, when he was alone.
“Wow, Courtney, this is the best meat loaf I’ve ever tasted. You have outdone yourself.”
“Oh, dude, you caved. That’s lame. Very not cool.” Ava gave him a pitying look. “Who has the upper hand in this relationship, anyway? You have to stay strong.”
“Our ‘relationship’—” He briefly met Courtney’s gaze and saw the sparkle of their secret in her eyes and the wink of her dimples as she tried not to smile. “—is based on mutual respect and compromise. I was so wrapped up in the deliciousness of this dinner that nothing penetrated my concentration.”
Courtney laughed. “Ava’s right. Lame. And it’s really all right to be distracted.”
“Okay. From now on I’ll leave work at the office.” It wasn’t a total lie. He had sort of been thinking about work and how it kept him from dealing with his personal loss.
“Can I ask one question?” Courtney said.
He nodded. “Shoot.”
“How’s your aunt’s business? Is Make Me a Match doing better?”
“It is,” he confirmed. “Even better than I’d hoped. We’re going to look at hiring another full-time employee. In fact, we’re discussing what our needs are in order to put together the job description.”
“That’s great.”
“Yeah.” That conversation with his aunt hadn’t been far from his mind for the last couple of weeks. And he was pretty sure it was responsible for his being distracted now. He’d paused his career to bail her out and now had to make decisions about his own future. That dredged up stuff from his past—hence the dark thoughts.
“Is it? Great, I mean?” Courtney was studying him as if not quite buying the positive business news he was selling.
Ava’s sounds of impatience interrupted the conversation before her mom could explain. The teen was following house rules by putting her phone on vibrate at dinner and not looking at it. But the thing had been buzzing at regular intervals throughout the meal. “Mom, please can I check messages now?”
“Permission granted. Because you were so gracious about a Saturday night dinner with us.”
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