“I’m glad you were here to take my side,” Gabe told her. “Thanks for having my back.”
“Any time, Mr. B.”
“I’m tough. I can handle you two ganging up on me.” Courtney grinned at both of them.
Gabe felt that smile deep in his gut, and the fact that it got to him hit a nerve. One that had been exposed ever since the day his aunt overheard him talking about leaving town. One of her first questions had been “What about Courtney?” He’d felt a completely involuntary, gut-level flash of not wanting to leave her. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
“Mom, can I go to Lexi’s house and spend the night?”
“Who else will be there?”
“Just Becca and Amy.”
Courtney nodded that she knew and approved of them. “Are her parents going to be there?”
“Yes.” Barely suppressed frustration and annoyance wrapped around the single word.
Courtney met his gaze for a second, but there was a definite gleam in hers that said, “We’ll be all alone and whatever should we do?” The thought of being alone with her naked in his arms made him ache for her.
“Then I don’t see why you can’t go to Lexi’s,” Courtney said. “Remember we’re going to Gabe’s mom’s house tomorrow for Sunday dinner. You need to be home early enough to clean up for that.”
“Will the twins be there?” Ava wanted to know.
“No one misses dinner at my mom’s unless they’re sick or out of state,” Gabe said. The out-of-state excuse might exempt him soon. He felt another twinge in his chest, but it felt like regret, and that was unacceptable. It was a violation of their bargain.
“I really like your family,” Ava said to him.
“They like you, too.” He looked at her fresh, innocent face and realized, not for the first time, that he really liked this kid. He envied Courtney the experience of being her mother. And there was a flash of guilt for pulling her into the Blackburne family when he knew it would only last for a finite amount of time. And he got another one of those gut-level flashes of not wanting this to go away.
“Okay.” Ava stood and typed a quick text into her phone. “I’m going to throw some stuff together. Becca’s mom is picking me up on the way.”
“Okay.”
The teen started to leave the room, then stopped. “Mr. B, I have that big algebra test next week. Can you still do an extra tutoring session with me?”
“Yeah. I’ve already cleared it with Brett—Mr. Kamp. I’ll meet you in his classroom on the day we agreed. One on one to make sure you’ll ace that exam.”
“Thanks.” Spontaneously, she bent and gave him a hug. “You’re the best.”
No, he wasn’t. Not even close. And the thought produced more than a sprinkling of guilt for deceiving her.
Twenty minutes later, the teen’s ride arrived. After a hasty goodbye, she left, and Courtney’s house was unnaturally quiet.
She started clearing the table of plates, and Gabe took them from her. “I’ll make you a deal.”
“Another one?” Her wicked, teasing look would test the righteousness of a saint.
He was no saint. “You handle putting the leftovers away, and I’ll do the dishes.”
“That’s the best deal I’ve heard in a while. More wine?” she asked.
“No, thanks.”
In a short time, almost everything was tidy again except the meat-loaf pan and the big bowl used for mashed potatoes. He hand washed them because they were too big for the dishwasher; she dried them with a towel, then put them away. They worked as a team, and it felt so natural. So normal. He was feeling contentment and wondered when that had happened.
Gabe had been preoccupied with his own thoughts and didn’t realize until just then that Courtney hadn’t said much since her daughter left.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked.
“How do you know something is?” She rested a hip against the cupboard underneath the sink and looked up at him.
How did he know? Best guess was he’d connected with her and recognized her moods now. And this one was easy. She rarely asked about his aunt’s business, and something had been bothering her since she brought it up. She’d joined in the teasing after that, but he recognized her carefree expression, and this wasn’t it.
Probably she wanted to discuss picking a time to end their relationship. To “break up.” He hadn’t changed his mind and felt they could hold off just a little longer. That was selfish, but it’s how he rolled. He wanted a bit more time before he had to say goodbye to this interlude.
“I can just tell you’re thinking too much,” he finally said. “So tell me what’s going on. We’ve always been able to talk.”
She blew out a breath and nervously toyed with the towel in her hands. “I don’t know where to start or how to say this.”
“Just jump in anywhere,” he suggested.
“Okay.” She looked at him, and darned if there wasn’t something that bore a strong resemblance to hope in her eyes. “You are a really good man. You’re kind and considerate. I won’t hold it against you that you don’t take no for an answer when a dinner date gets canceled. That you show up with food when a girl is in her bare face and not expecting company.”
“It’s a flaw.” He remembered that night and refusing to accept that he wouldn’t be able to see her after looking forward to it all day. After her call, he’d had the feeling that she was all alone and in a dark place. He just couldn’t ignore the urge to go to her and somehow fix what was wrong. “I’m working on it.”
“As well you should be, mister.” She cleared her throat. “The thing is, I like and respect you very much. Ava does, too.”
That really made him feel good, until it didn’t. Kids didn’t suffer fools easily, and he hoped her daughter never learned of their plan to fool her. “You’ve done an amazing job with her.”
“Thanks.” She looked down at her hands, the dish towel still dangling from her fingers, then back up. “That night, when I was in such a crappy mood and you were here for me, I mentioned that we should think about ending things soon.”
“I remember. And I said we could wait a little longer. I haven’t changed my mind about that.”
“Right. That’s what I wanted to talk about. We’ve been putting it off, and maybe there’s a reason for that.”
“Yeah. It buys us time with our well-intentioned families so they’ll give us peace.”
“Yeah, that, too. But—”
“What?” he asked.
She met his gaze. “Maybe deep down neither of us wants to split up. What if we tried dating without air quotes? What if we go out for real? I like you a lot, and I believe you feel the same way about me. I’d like to find out if we could be something more than coconspirators.”
Gabe was stunned into silence. She wanted to change things? Cancel their insurance policy? Explore a real relationship and open the door to getting his teeth kicked in again, emotionally speaking? Something expanded in his chest—hot, hard, familiar. Well, what do you know. His old friend anger was finally putting in an appearance.
“What does ‘for real’ mean?” he asked slowly, coldly.
“Just how it sounds.” Courtney’s hopeful expression turned to uncertainty. “We continue to see each other. I’m having fun with you. If you’re not having fun with me, too, it’s an awfully good act. What if we date? Spend time together to find out if we could be more than a fake couple.”
“No.” He shook his head. The shock on her face compelled him to add, “I’m not a good bet.”
“I don’t know what that means.” Her hands stilled, and the dish towel dropped to the floor unnoticed. “What are you saying?”
“You need to know the whole truth about me. I told you Margo died, but I never mentioned she wanted more than anything to be a mother.”
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�Oh—”
Gabe took a step back when she reached out a hand to offer sympathy. He didn’t want it. He didn’t deserve it. “I convinced her to wait so I could take another contract, a very high-profile job. Something that would let me write my own ticket after the company turned a profit. She agreed to delay getting pregnant because I wanted another business score. Fate chose to take her, but she died without knowing what it felt like to have a child.”
“It’s not your fault, Gabe. We all have regrets, decisions we would change if we could see the future.”
“I buried myself in work so I wouldn’t have time to think about what a selfish bastard I am. The kind of man who ruthlessly goes after what he wants at the expense of someone else’s dreams. I care about you, Courtney, too much to hurt you.”
But her face gave away how thoroughly he had failed at that. There was a bruised expression in her eyes that clearly showed he’d blindsided and disillusioned her. She drew in a shuddering breath and met his gaze. He could see the effort it took to hold back tears.
“In all the time we’ve had this fake relationship,” she said, “that’s the first time you’ve actually lied to me. The truth is that you’re afraid of being hurt again, and you’re hiding from possibilities to protect yourself. The way you protected yourself with work after your wife died.”
“So you’re an amateur psychologist?” He could see that accusation hit pretty close to the mark. “Well, it takes one to know one. You’ve been using single motherhood as a shield to protect yourself. It’s an excuse to not put yourself out there.”
“I never said I wasn’t. The difference is that you made me want to try again. But you’re still using an excuse not to.”
“The whole point of our agreement was not to make promises or have expectations.”
“Okay, then. That answers my question. Clearly we’re not fake dating anymore. If only this was a fake fight.” Her voice trembled. “But it’s not, and I think you should leave now.”
“You’re probably right.”
Gabe headed for the front door and let himself out. Cold air hit him and cleared the anger away. When it was gone, he was conflicted about what had just happened. Calling it quits was the right move, obviously. But if that was true, why did he want so badly to go back inside and fix what he’d just broken between them?
* * *
Courtney didn’t sleep much that night. Her feelings about Gabe swung like a pendulum, from wishing she hadn’t said anything to calling him an unfeeling jerk. And, hurt as she was, she still realized that was completely unfair. The next morning, she was tired and upset, but she hadn’t shed any tears. Soon Ava would be home, and she had to be told what was going on. The timing sucked, because her daughter had been looking forward to Sunday dinner with the Blackburnes. Gabe complained about his family, but clearly he loved them. They were everything she’d always wanted—for herself and Ava.
Just then the teen in her thoughts walked in the door and set her backpack at the foot of the stairs. Ava saw her sitting on the couch and said, “Mom?”
“Hi, sweetie.” It was almost noon, and she was still in her pajamas. There was a mug of cold coffee on the table beside her. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, it was okay.” She sat down and stared. “You look terrible.”
“Thank you—” She tried to joke, but when the words caught in her throat, it was just pathetic.
“Are you all right?”
“Fine.”
“You’re not dressed yet.” Ava was good at stating the obvious.
“Yeah. I didn’t feel like it.” She shrugged. “So I didn’t.”
“But what about Sunday dinner? You said I had to come home and clean up.”
“About that—” Courtney’s eyes filled with tears, and that took her completely by surprise. She’d been so sure she was in control.
“Mom, what is it? You hardly ever cry. This is scaring me.” Ava moved closer and took her hand. “Tell me.”
“I broke up with Gabe last night.” Technically she’d told him to leave, so that made her the initiator of the breakup. She’d also kicked off the scenario where he had to tell her she was nothing to him except a participant in a scheme to get his family off his back. Sure, they’d had fun, but he’d said up front it wouldn’t get complicated. Then she had to go and complicate everything by falling for him. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Oh, Mom—” Ava gathered her close. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks, sweetie.”
If there was any silver lining to this at all, it was that she didn’t have to pretend to be heartbroken. Not being a very good actress, she would have had a hard time convincing her über observant daughter that she was.
Gabe was an extraordinary man, so much a gentleman, with so much love to give. There seemed to be genuine feelings between them. Courtney knew it was real, or she would never have slept with him.
“I’ll be okay.” She sniffled.
“But, Mom, what happened?” Ava was perplexed. “When I left last night, you two were teasing and flirting. I’m sure there was sex.”
“Not so much.” There probably would have been, but she’d pushed for more. And he wasn’t over losing his wife. “I thought there was a chance that we could be more than friends, but he made it clear that was never going to happen.”
“So he was just another guy who said whatever it took to get what he wanted.” Ava’s voice vibrated with anger.
“No, sweetie.” Courtney heaved a big sigh and pulled herself together. She scooted forward on the couch and looked at the last gasp of innocence fading from her daughter’s face. “Gabe isn’t like that. It’s not his fault he doesn’t feel the same way about me.”
“Yes, it is. You’re awesome. Beautiful and funny and a great mom. He’s a jerk for not seeing all of that.”
“Not a jerk. Just a guy who loved his wife and lost her unexpectedly.” Courtney knew he’d been devastated when Margo died. She’d seen it in his eyes when they first met, when he told her why he didn’t have kids. And last night he’d confessed that he had a lot of guilt for not having a baby when she wanted one. He was punishing himself for something that wasn’t his fault. “He doesn’t ever want to love someone again because that would risk him getting hurt.”
“That’s just stupid. If you have a chance to be happy, you should take it.” Ava’s tone was scathing. “If he wasn’t looking for someone ever, why did he even ask you out? It’s not right to lead someone on like that. He’s a horrible man. If that’s the way he feels, he should have been honest in the beginning. Put it all out there before letting you get emotionally involved. It’s just mean.”
“Relationships aren’t that simple. Never black-and-white.” She and Gabe had started out that way. Everything spelled out, a plan in place. It was going to be fun, maybe a little payback for the meddlers in their lives. Very quickly her feelings had grown into something more. That wasn’t on him. Courtney couldn’t help herself. He was the nicest, most decent man she’d ever met.
She took Ava’s hand between her own and realized it was shaking. “He’s not to blame. I promise you that. It’s not his fault.”
“It is his fault,” Ava cried. “If he doesn’t want a family, he shouldn’t have asked you out in the first place. Because you and I are a family. It was wrong of him. And I’m never going to believe anything a guy tells me. Not ever again. Love is a big trap, and I’m not doing it. I hate him.”
“No—”
“Don’t stick up for him, Mom. He’s not a good guy. How can you not hate him, too? Why are you defending him?”
Courtney couldn’t let Ava believe this about Gabe. If she didn’t have all the facts about what went wrong, this experience could affect Ava’s attitude about men for the rest of her life. This plan was supposed to salvage her romantic illusions. The truth had to come out.
“I have a confession to make, Ava.”
“What?” The girl’s eyes widened, as if she expected a shape-shift any second.
“Gabe and I weren’t dating for real. We were faking it.”
“I don’t understand.” Confusion in the teen’s expression cut through the anger.
“It was his idea but, to be fair, I went along. He convinced me to go out, pretend to date, then break up at a mutually agreeable time.”
“Why?” Ava looked completely lost.
“You had just gone rogue to Make Me a Match. I didn’t know what else you might do. What drastic steps you might take. There are a lot of places out there a fourteen-year-old girl shouldn’t go.”
“Come on, Mom. Give me some credit.”
“How was I to know? I felt the need to protect you. And his family kept trying to fix him up with different women at Sunday dinner. We thought if everyone believed we were a couple, they would stop interfering in our personal lives. It was supposed to be simple and uncomplicated. He called it an insurance policy. No one was supposed to get hurt.”
“You did.”
“I really like him.” Courtney sighed. She was pretty sure she was in love with him, but saying the words out loud had the potential to make this even more painful. “But the truth is that he simply doesn’t want to care for someone again. He’s protecting himself.”
While she explained everything, the expression on Ava’s face went from simmering temper to self-righteous indignation. “So what you’re actually saying is that you lied.”
“Yes. Wrong thing, right reason.” It was a pathetic rebuttal and very likely would come back one day to bite her in the butt.
“You grounded me for half my life for lying.” Ava’s hostility was gaining momentum.
Courtney had no move here except to own the flaw. “You’re completely right. I’m a hypocrite—”
And she started to cry again. Damn it, she’d ruined everything. There was a very good chance her daughter wanted to return her for an upgraded mother, preferably one who wasn’t a fraud. And Gabe was gone. Why did he have to be so nice? He tutored high school kids in math, for crying out loud. And he was cute. He was funny and caring. A man who loved as deeply as he did was incredibly special.
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