The Big-Ass Witch (The Half-Assed Wizard Book 2)

by Gary Jonas

  Smell it or taste it? Neither option was good.

  “Come on, Brat!” Demetrius said, sticking his head through the door.

  “Brett,” I said.

  “That’s not what Auntie Lakesha said.”

  “Is Lakesha your real aunt?” I asked.

  He shrugged and disappeared.

  I pushed his bedroom door open.

  The ceiling had a massive hole in it, and a hangman’s noose hung from a rafter.

  “Auntie Regina hanged herself right here.” He spoke the words the same way he might have said, sometimes I get chocolate chip cookies.

  “Wouldn’t the cops have taken that down?”

  “They did, but she does it again every night.” Sometimes I get a glass of milk to go with those cookies.

  The rest of the room was crowded with pieces of wood, a cracked mirror, a rusted bed frame, and an open toy box with a painting of Marvel super heroes. I recognized some of them. The closet door stood open and ratty clothes still hung from wire hangers. A dried-up pile of crap sat on a few water-damaged comic books. I didn’t look closely enough at the pile to tell if it was human or animal. Truth be told, I didn’t want to know.

  I reached out to touch the noose, but my hand passed through it. It looked solid, but it was ghostly.

  “That’s Auntie Regina’s. You shouldn’t touch it.”

  “You a comic book fan?” I asked.

  He smiled and nodded.

  “Who are your favorite heroes?”

  He pointed at the toy box. “They’re right there. Spider-Man, Power Man, Iron Fist, Black Panther, and Brother Voodoo.”

  “Between the movies and the TV shows, I know most of them, but who’s Brother Voodoo?”

  “Jericho Drumm. He helped the Werewolf fight some bad guys. It was so cool. He had his brother Daniel’s ghost inside him and could send it out to possess people.”

  “Sounds wild,” I said.

  He nodded. “My uncle used to read his old comics to me. He was cool. He was married to my Auntie Lakesha.”

  “Yeah? What was his name?”

  “Uncle Paul.”

  “I have an Uncle Paul too. What happened to your Uncle Paul?”

  Demetrius shrugged.

  “All right, can you tell me what happened when the folks came and took your Aunt Regina?”

  He pointed at the noose. “Auntie was getting ready to hang herself again, but someone broke into the house. Normally nothing will stop her, but this time something pulled her backward through the walls into the parlor, and a man and woman held her with beams of light while another man pulled her inside him like Brother Voodoo would do with Daniel, only Auntie Regina didn’t come back out.”

  “Did any of these people cut themselves?” I asked.

  He gave me a confused look.

  “Did any of them draw blood? It’s a way to work magic.”

  “They caught her in beams from big flashlights and the other guy held up a thin black box and just pulled her inside. That’s it. No blood. Then they just walked out.”

  “The guy pulled her into the phone or into himself?”

  The kid tilted his head at me. “We ain’t got a phone here.”

  “The thin black box,” I said.

  He shrugged.

  “They didn’t see you?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Did they say anything?”

  “One of them said, ‘There she is, get her,’ or something like that.”

  Which meant they couldn’t see her at first? Did the flashlights have anything to do with that?

  “Brat?” Lakesha called.

  I didn’t answer.

  “You in here? Demetrius?”

  Demetrius walked through the wall.

  “There you are,” Lakesha said.

  “Brat’s in my room.”

  I shook my head. If she had the damn ghost kid doing that, too, it was going to get on my last nerve.

  Footsteps sounded down the hall and Lakesha stepped into the room. “Learn anything?” she asked.

  “I learned that you’re a bad influence on ghost kids.”

  “About Regina’s abduction.”

  “You see this?” I asked pointing at the noose.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Ghost chick hangs herself every night.”

  “Ghosts often get stuck in a loop. What else?”

  “She was your sister?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Sister-in-law?”

  “I don’t want to talk about that.” She turned to Demetrius. “Sweetie, can you tell me what you told Brat?”

  “Brett,” I said through clenched teeth.

  Demetrius told her about the men and woman.

  When he was done, I said, “I saw one of those ghost hunter shows where they put a flashlight in the middle of a room and a ghost turned it on and off.”

  She blew air out of her nose. “Don’t believe everything you see on TV.”

  “So ghosts can’t do that?”

  “Didn’t say they can’t,” she said. “But why would they bother?”

  “So they could communicate?”

  “You just spent ten minutes talking to Demetrius. You think ghosts would rather speak or do Morse code with a flashlight?”

  “Well, if someone can’t talk to them…”

  She shook her head. “They’d talk to someone who could.”

  “Maybe they want to be on TV.”

  “Doing what? Stupid Ghost Tricks?”

  “Letterman is off the air,” I said.

  “Will you save Auntie Regina?” Demetrius asked. “I don’t want to stay here alone.”

  “Kid, you haunt this place,” I said. “What is there to be afraid of?”

  He stared at me. “Evil spirits, shadow people, demons, diableros, and the men who took Auntie Regina.”

  Lakesha raised an eyebrow. “Just because someone’s dead, doesn’t mean there’s nothing to fear.”

  “I guess not. Can we get out of here?”

  “Why? Are you creeped out?”

  “I’m tired of breathing in the mold and piss fumes.”

  “Probably not the healthiest thing we can do.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Demetrius?” Lakesha said. “Can you stay here and let me know if Auntie Regina comes back tonight at eleven?”

  He nodded.

  “Why eleven?” I asked.

  “Because that’s what time she killed herself. Her spirit should be pulled back here at that hour.”

  “And if it’s not?”

  “Let’s just hope she shows up.”

  “So she was taken last night? And the kid didn’t come to see you until this afternoon?”

  “Time is sometimes off for ghosts. Of all people, you should understand that one.”

  “That’s right, take your shots.”

  “Come on, Brat, we have work to do between now and eleven.”

  “Brett,” I said.

  “That’s what I said.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  On the walk back to Something’s Brewing, Lakesha told me what little she’d learned from the neighbors. Two white guys and a girl pulled up in a beat-up car of some kind and went into the house. They left inside of ten minutes.

  When we got back to the store, Isis was standing guard on the glass countertop. Lakesha flipped the window sign to Open and motioned for me to head to the backroom.

  As I walked by Isis, the cat growled.

  I started to turn toward the cat, but Lakesha shoved me forward. “Don’t tease the cat,” she said.

  “I wasn’t. She growled at me.”

  “She doesn’t like you.”

  “What did I do?”

  “You brought bad mojo into the store.”

  “Really?” I said as I pushed through the beads.

  “Your father pays me to deal with you. Isis doesn’t understand the concept of paying rent, so she’s not so forgiving.”

  I sat at
the table, while Lakesha pushed the tapestry aside to reveal a door. She went into a hidden room. A moment later, she returned with a bottle of Diet Coke. She twisted off the cap as she sat across from me.

  “Not going to even offer me anything?”

  “Hadn’t planned on it.”

  “I’m thirsty. It’s hot outside.”

  “It’s August. What do you expect?” She nodded toward the Tarot cards. “Cut the deck.”

  The backs featured a Rosicrucian cross on a checkered background with a caduceus or dot inside each box. Aleister Crowley’s Thoth deck.

  “You don’t want to talk about your sister-in-law?”

  “Cut the deck.”

  “So you were married to a guy named Paul?” I asked as I cut the deck. The card I picked showed a weird-ass plant with eight purple flowers representing the Eight of Disks.

  Lakesha studied the card. “Prudence,” she said. “Intelligence in material matters.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning it would be prudent not to ask me about my life.”

  “Right.”

  “Shuffle the deck.”

  I did as she said.

  “Cut,” she said. “This time, think of Regina.”

  “I don’t know her.”

  “You know of her.”

  “All right.”

  “Now cut.”

  I did. Eight blue sticks crossed each other while two thick, metal rods pressed them down. The rods looked nasty – sharp spears with twisted Keebler Elf-looking dudes at the top. Ten of Wands.

  “Oppression,” she said.

  “Imagine that,” I said. “She’s been abducted, so now she’s being oppressed.”

  “More concerning is the unyielding cruelty associated with the card. Think of the abductors as you shuffle and cut again.”

  “Here goes nothing,” I said as I shuffled. I cut the deck.

  The Magus.

  “The Magician,” Lakesha said. “Power. These guys are skillful.”

  “Guys and gal,” I said.

  “True. There was a woman.” Lakesha pointed to the deck. “Think about the woman and draw.”

  I grinned. “I’m always thinking about hot chicks.” I drew a card. “Jackpot!”

  The card showed a naked woman riding a messed-up lion or something. She leaned back like she was really enjoying the ride, if you know what I mean.

  “Lust,” Lakesha said. “Why am I not surprised?”

  “I told you.”

  “It could be a reflection on your general state of mind. It can also mean a great love affair is headed your way.”

  “I once dated a chick for two whole months. Even added her favorite song to the band’s rotation. Damn, she was a hot little thing.”

  “What happened?”

  I shrugged. “She wanted more, I didn’t. End of story.”

  Lakesha shook her head. “Try again. This time, try to focus on the woman as a person, not an object.”

  I drew a card. Another naked woman with a big, gorgeous ass. She had on a weird headdress as she flew through flames or fumes, it was hard to tell. A tiger wrapped its tail around her neck, and it was like she was pulling the thing with her though the air. The Princess of Wands.

  Lakesha smiled. “Now we’re getting somewhere. This is a woman who is passionate. See the fire burning next to her? That passion can turn to violence quickly. She has the tiger by the tail, so to speak, but that can change at any moment.”

  “You think the tiger is significant?”

  “Not sure. It can represent how she captured Regina, but Regina could also slip back.”

  “We’ll see if Regina shows up tonight to hang herself.”

  Lakesha nodded, deep in thought. “Did you feel the energy in the house?”

  “What energy?”

  “What did you feel?”

  “Cold,” I said.

  She nodded. “What’s the temperature outside right now?”

  “How should I know? It’s hot.”

  “Check the weather on your phone. What’s the temperature?”

  I checked my phone. “Ninety-two degrees.”

  “And inside the house?”

  I shrugged. “No clue.”

  “Sixties?”

  “Sure, sounds about right.”

  “Without air conditioning?”

  “Ghosts leave cold spots, right?”

  “Throughout the house?”

  “I’m not really geared up for a test right now.”

  “These are basic things you should know.”

  “Well, I don’t, okay?”

  “Then study.”

  I laughed. “You know when the last time I studied was?”

  “Never?”

  “Got it in one,” I said.

  “The house shouldn’t be that cold.”

  “Well, yeah, but it was.”

  She sighed. “We need to be proactive here. The spirit world is in flux, so we’d best make some plans. Think about what we might be able to do to influence the outcome of Regina’s plight.”

  “That was a lot of words. I didn’t follow all of that. Six words or less, please.”

  “How can we help Regina?”

  I kept that question in mind as I shuffled and cut the deck.

  Dark clouds over a dank ocean. Another weird-ass plant, growing cups this time. Water poured into two of the cups and overflowed into two more. Eight of Cups.

  “Indolence,” Lakesha said, looking at the card.

  “Which means?”

  “Lazy. Somehow, I think that describes you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, but what does the card mean?”

  “It means you weren’t concentrating. It’s a card about moving on because things didn’t work out.”

  “Maybe that means there’s nothing we can do, so we should just go take a nap or get a drink. Works for me.”

  “Tells me you were thinking of a way to avoid having to do anything.”

  “I play to my strengths. In fact, I’m about ready for a nap.”

  “Oh no, honey, you’re here for the duration.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your father is paying me to help train you. Sabrina will teach you what she knows from the blood magic side of things, and I will teach you what I know from my side of things.”

  “So I’m going to be a warlock wizard dude?”

  “You’re going to concentrate on what we can do for Regina as you shuffle and draw another card.”

  “I don’t want to play cards. I have cards at home.” My very own Tarot deck, bound to me with the full blood price already paid. They’d nearly gotten me killed the week before.

  “I’m well aware of that. And why you aren’t using them is something I simply can’t understand.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That deck was specifically designed for your family, so you can use them to help guide you.”

  “Can they guide me to a bed so I can take a nap?”

  My phone rang. I glanced at the name. Teddy. He played rhythm guitar for our band.

  “I have to take this,” I said.

  “No, you don’t, but go ahead. I need a break from your sorry ass anyway.”

  I got up, and stepped through the bead curtain as I answered the phone. “Hey, Teddy,” I said.

  “You stood me up last night.”

  “Sorry, dude, I forgot.”

  “That makes me feel so much better.”

  Isis still perched on the counter. She growled at me as I neared.

  “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll buy you a drink tonight and I’ll help you get a chick’s phone number. How about that?”

  Teddy sighed. “Nine o’clock at the Hideaway?”

  “I’ll be there.” I held the phone between my cheek and shoulder so I could put both hands out. I moved my hands on either side of the cat, just out of striking range. Isis looked at one hand, then the other, and she thumped her tail on the counter. Thump thump thump.

>   “Before you go,” Teddy said, “when’s band practice?”

  “Sabrina will be back by Monday, so maybe Thursday?” As Isis looked at my left hand, I darted in with my right to give her a quick pet. Her head spun toward my right hand and she slashed at it, but I was too fast for her.

  “Thursday? It will have to be early. I have an overnight, so I have to be at work at ten.”

  “Then why did you ask?”

  “Because I figured you’d say Tuesday or Wednesday, in which case I’d be good to go since work wouldn’t interfere.”

  “No worries. I’ll tell Michael to be there Thursday at six.”

  “Good. We need to be ready for the gig on Saturday night.”

  “The beach thing Chuck booked. Yeah.”

  I waved my hands around Isis and she looked from one to the other, keeping one paw up, ready to strike as she growled low in her chest like a siren winding down. “What’s that noise?” Teddy asked.

  “Nothing. Have you seen Michael?”

  I darted in to pet Isis again, and successfully retreated as she swiped the air my hand had just vacated.

  “I haven’t seen anyone since you screwed up our last gig. Chuck is meeting me for lunch tomorrow, though.”

  “Cool. See you tonight, Teddy.”

  “Don’t forget this time.”

  “How can I forget? It’s tonight at ten.”

  “Nine!”

  “I know, Teddy, I’m just messing with you. See you at nine.”

  I disconnected, slipped the phone in my pocket, and did a feint one way then shot in to pat Isis on the head.

  She hissed at me, but again, I was too fast, and got away unscathed.

  I laughed.

  “Aren’t you a sweetheart, Isis?”

  From the backroom, Lakesha said, “Don’t tease the cat!”

  “I’m not.”

  I returned to the backroom. The beads clacked as I passed through, then clacked again. I sat down across from Lakesha.

  “Where were we?” I asked as I leaned back in the chair.

  Sharp pain shot into my back and I jerked forward.

  “Ow!” I yelled and spun around to see Isis race through the curtain to the main store. The damn cat followed me, waited until I leaned back, then scratched me through the open back of the chair. “Little shit,” I said.

  Lakesha laughed. “Told you not to tease the cat.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The Hideaway was packed that night. A country band played on the small stage performing a Keith Urban song about falling in love in a cop car. After all, you meet the best people when you get arrested. I once dated a girl who had a thing for Keith Urban. She was hot, so we always worked one of Urban’s songs into our set during the two months I slept with her. For me, that was a long-term relationship.