The Big-Ass Witch (The Half-Assed Wizard Book 2)

by Gary Jonas

  Where the hell was Sabrina?

  “Time for another break,” Solomon said. He went into the backroom and returned with a bottle of water. “Drink this.”

  “I can’t move my right arm.”

  He rolled his eyes and opened the bottle for me. “Drink up, girly boy.”

  “You’re actually getting him to drink water instead of vodka? Impressive.” Sabrina stood in the doorway, and not a moment too soon.

  “Solomon, Sabrina. Sabrina, Solomon.” I didn’t have the strength for elaborate introductions. “Now get me out of pain.”

  “No can do, cousin.”

  I blinked at her. Okay, actually I blinked back tears. “What?”

  “I can block any future pain,” she said, “but I can’t stop the agony you’re already in. I’m not that strong.”

  “Can you pull magic from me to make yourself stronger?” I asked.

  “I don’t know how to do that.”

  “Add that to your list of things to learn as soon as possible.”

  Sabrina tilted her head. “I wouldn’t mind being able to draw magic from other sources,” she said. “I’ll look into it.”

  “Cool. Can you tell me how to stop the pain? Maybe I can learn it.”

  “Focus on feeling normal.”

  I focused on my arm, trying to remember what it was like to feel no pain. Go back to normal, I thought as I focused.

  The webbing around the image of the card started to fade away.

  “Stop that,” Solomon said. “Unless you want me to have to start over.”

  I stopped. “Sorry.”

  As long as the pain didn’t get worse, I could get through it. I didn’t have a choice. Sabrina kept up for a while. Then she had to have the occasional twenty minute breaks to recharge. Solomon didn’t bitch about it.

  “Now that you’re not being such a crybaby, it’s worth the delay,” he said. “Silence is golden.”

  And eventually, Solomon finished transferring the entire deck into my arm. He had worked straight through the night, and with all the breaks, it was midday. I should have been sleeping by now.

  Solomon cleaned my skin, spread an anti-bacterial ointment on his work then bandaged me up.

  “You’ll want to remove the bandage in around four hours,” he said. “Now, let me explain the way the cards work on your arm.”

  “Can you do it in six words or less?” I asked.

  Sabrina shook her head. “You’ll have to forgive him. He never learned proper English.”

  “What do you mean?” Solomon asked.

  “It should be six words or fewer,” she said.

  “Lady, no one likes a grammar Nazi.” He turned to me. “Six words or less,” he said and shot another glare at Sabrina. “Ask for guidance, shake your arm.”

  “What?”

  “The blood debt is paid.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Means you can ask questions.”

  “I’m with you so far.”

  “The cards will answer.”

  “How?”

  “I can’t explain it in six words, man.”

  “Fine. I’ll try to focus.”

  “Basically, the magic is there. I connected the cards with the web lines. All the buzzing?”

  “Got it.”

  “I did like your old man said. Problem is, you’re limited by my magic.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Takes twenty-four hours to recharge.”

  Sabrina cut in. “He’s saying he set the cards up so you can ask for guidance. Shake your arm and ask the question. Your tattoo will shift to one card, and that card will be the answer to your inquiry.”

  Solomon nodded. “That’s what I said. Ask for guidance, shake your arm.”

  “So now my arm’s a fucking Magic Eight-Ball? But it’s the bullshit Tarot answers, right? Not yes or no stuff. I’ll have to interpret the meaning.”

  “Of course. That’s how it works.”

  “But I can only do it once per day?”

  “Once every twenty-four hours,” he said. He handed the deck of cards to me. “These aren’t tuned to you anymore. That blood is all inside you now.”

  “That sounds disgusting.”

  “I think it’s cool.”

  “I do too,” Sabrina said.

  “You do this sort of thing often?” I asked.

  Solomon shrugged. “From time to time.”

  “Ever do sigils that can change like my cards?”

  “Why, kid? You want another session?”

  “God, no! My arm feels like it’s been run through a meat grinder and thrown on the barbeque.”

  “Okay then.”

  “Just curious how often you do this sort of thing for people?”

  “None of your business, kid.” He glared at me.

  “Didn’t mean to piss in your cereal.”

  “All right, get out of my shop. I want to close up and go home.”

  “I’d thank you,” I said, “but I still want to punch you in the face.”

  He grinned. “You won’t be able to throw a punch with your right arm for a few days.”

  “Sabrina will be able to heal it up once she recharges.”

  She shook her head. “It will have to be tomorrow,” she said. “Right now, all I want to do is sleep.”

  “Me too,” Solomon said.

  “Me three,” I said.

  “You always want to sleep,” Sabrina said.

  “What’s your point?”

  Solomon shook his head. “Doesn’t matter what her point is. You two need to get out of my shop now.”

  Sabrina had to help me get up. “Are you going to be able to drive?”

  I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I think I can manage it.” I turned back to Solomon. “Anything special I need to do for the first week while this heals?”

  “Don’t go swimming, keep it out of the sun.”

  “Do I need lotion or anything?”

  “Normally you would, but I took care of that with my magic. Just be aware that the colors may bleed into your sheets tonight, so you might want to put some old sheets on your bed. Other than that, you’re all set.”

  “Cool.”

  We stepped out into the sunlight, and I winced like Michael would have. Michael is a vampire, so sunlight messes with him.

  Sabrina walked with me to my car. “Give me the deck,” she said.

  “Huh?” I asked, thinking about dropping into my nice, comfortable bed.

  “The cards. I can send them back to my father.”

  “Why? He stole them to begin with.”

  “You don’t need them. The magic is in your arm now.”

  She had a point. I handed the deck to her. “Good riddance,” I said.

  My phone rang. It was Lakesha. What could she possibly want just after noon on a Monday? And why in the holy-assed hell would she be calling me at that ungodly hour?

  I almost let it go to voicemail because I had a bad reputation to maintain, but it was easier to answer if only to tell her I wouldn’t be in at one.

  “We’re sorry,” I said, “but Brett Masters is currently unavailable for conversations. Please call back at a reasonable hour.”

  “Cut the shit,” Lakesha said. “This is important.”

  “Right. What’s going on with your bad self?” I asked.

  Sabrina rolled her eyes.

  While I couldn’t see her, I was willing to bet Lakesha did the same.

  “We have a problem, Brett.”

  She didn’t call me Brat, so I knew it really was important. “Can you give it to me in six words or less?”

  “Regina just killed a man.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Sabrina and I entered Lakesha’s store twenty minutes later. Lakesha was ringing up a purchase for a customer. Herbs of some kind, not that I cared. Isis stood guard on the counter, glaring at me as Sabrina and I approached.

  “Hi, Isis,” Sabrina said and scratched the cat under the chin.

&nbs
p; Isis purred.

  “Hey, cat,” I said and reached to scratch her chin as well, but she took a swipe at me with her claws. I jerked my hand back.

  “Don’t tease the cat,” Lakesha said to me. She turned back to her customer. “Thanks, Norah. You have a blessed day.”

  Norah, a middle-aged woman with tanned skin and almond-shaped eyes took her bag then rubbed Isis behind the ears. Isis leaned into the rubbing, purring up a storm. “See you soon, Isis,” Norah said. She gave me the stink-eye, and walked out.

  “What did I do?” I asked nobody in particular.

  “You exist,” Lakesha said. “That alone is a crime against humanity.”

  “I love you too.”

  Lakesha came around the counter and embraced Sabrina. “Good to see you, Bri. Did you have a good trip?”

  “I did. Thanks.”

  “You look like you haven’t slept in days, girl.”

  “We were up all night getting Brett’s tattoo. I’ll work an alertness spell in a few minutes. Brett said someone died?”

  “Did he fill you in?”

  “No. We’re in separate cars.”

  “Why don’t you go on home and get some rest. Brett and I can handle this.”

  “And miss out on the excitement?”

  “I don’t know how exciting it is, but we’ve got a drive ahead of us.”

  “I’m not sure I can keep my eyes open,” I said. “I’m wiped out.”

  Lakesha frowned at me. “Wait here.”

  She moved through the bead curtain.

  I started to lean back against the counter, but Isis growled at me.

  “She doesn’t like you,” Sabrina said.

  “What was your first clue?”

  “I always knew Isis had good taste. Isn’t that right, Isis?” The cat purred as Sabrina stroked her back. Her ass went up in the air with each stroke.

  “Don’t get the cat all hot and bothered,” I said.

  Sabrina made a face. “Gross.”

  “You’re the one getting her to raise her butt.”

  “Don’t be a dumbass. Oh, yeah, you can’t help it.”

  Lakesha returned with a ceramic cup. She handed it to me. “Drink this. It’ll wake you up.”

  It smelled like coffee. “What’s in it?”

  “Coffee.”

  “You didn’t mix in some magical herbs or anything?”

  “It’s regular coffee. Drink it while I gather a few things.”

  “Did you spit in it?”

  She glared at me. “Don’t get cute with me, boy.”

  She disappeared into the backroom again.

  I sipped the coffee. It was good. And sure enough, it perked me up a bit.

  “Bring me up to speed,” Sabrina said. Then she grinned and added, “And do it in six words or fewer.”

  I returned the grin. “An abducted ghost is killing people.”

  “How does one abduct a ghost?”

  “With a couple of flashlights and a smart phone. Evidently, there’s an app for that.”

  Lakesha returned with a big purse over her shoulder. “I think I have everything I need. Let’s go.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “Houston.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s where the man was killed.”

  “And how do you know Regina did it?”

  “It was on the news.”

  “Really?” I asked. “Breaking news, a ghost named Regina is killing people in Houston, Hashtag poltergeist. Hashtag Austin’s jealous.”

  Lakesha shook her head. “Boy, I oughta slap you upside the head.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “Might knock some sense into you.”

  “It’s a legitimate question. You want to drive an hour to Houston when all I want to do is go to bed.”

  “He has a point,” Sabrina said. “What did you see on the news?”

  “All right, look,” Lakesha said. “You’re right that they didn’t come right out and say it, but if you dip Occam’s Razor into a cauldron overflowing with magic, you can put two and two together and get seven. I had a feeling I should watch, so I did, and what I saw convinced me I was right.”

  “You lost me at Occam’s Razor,” I said.

  “Confession time,” Sabrina said. “You lost me, too.”

  She sighed. “Neither of you watched the news?”

  Sabrina and I shook our heads. “I was busy getting tortured,” I said.

  “And I was busy enjoying it,” Sabrina said.

  “Well I damn sure didn’t record it, so you’ll just have to trust me.”

  “I could bring it up on my phone,” Sabrina said.

  “That’s all right.” Lakesha said. “I’ll drive, and I’ll explain on the way.” She held up some keys and jangled them. Her key chain featured an odd looking slitted brown ball, and when she held it up, the lids opened to reveal a bloodshot eyeball.

  Before I could ask about it, she shoved me toward the door. The Van Morrison song “Brown Eyed Girl” got lodged in my head.

  She flipped the store sign to closed, then locked up, and led us around to the back alley. When she hit the key fob, her alarm chirped and the running lights flashed on a mid-seventies black Cadillac hearse.

  “There better not be a corpse in there,” I said.

  “You’ll be the corpse if you don’t get moving.”

  Sabrina laughed as she and I went around to the passenger side. We all piled into the front of the hearse with Sabrina in the middle. I looked into the back. The original rollers with tables were still there, and curtains stretched across the side windows. There were curtains on the back window, too, but they were open. The interior smelled like a fresh Christmas tree, which made sense since there were two pine air fresheners dangling from the rearview mirror.

  My right arm throbbed, and I didn’t want to use any muscles, so I reached across with my left hand to shut the door.

  Lakesha fired up the car and we headed for Houston.

  “The news had a story about a man dying at a shopping mall and I got a feeling about it.”

  “And that tells you Regina’s ghost killed the dude?” I asked.

  “Witnesses said he had a confrontation with a security guard on the escalator. One witness said the guard rolled up his sleeves and moved toward the guy, and his victim staggered back as if struck even though they were five feet apart. The victim staggered off the escalator to the second floor, spun and tumbled over the rail, falling to his death. Broken neck. What do you think?”

  I leaned my head against the window while she spoke, and when she finished, I gave her an exaggerated snore.

  “Hit him for me,” Lakesha said to Sabrina.

  “With pleasure.” Sabrina punched my shoulder.

  “Ow.”

  “Did you listen to what I said?”

  “Part of it,” I said. “Still trying to figure out why we’re heading to Houston for this. They had to list it as an accident, right?”

  “They did.”

  “And you think it’s murder.”

  “I do. I told you, I sensed it. They interviewed the guard in question, and in the middle of the interview he reached back to scratch his head, and I saw a tattoo on his forearm of a Solomonic Triangle.”

  “Was Regina’s face in the circle inside that triangle?”

  “No.”

  “And there can’t be more than one guy in East Texas with a triangle tattoo on his forearm?”

  “You forget that I’m psychic.”

  “I thought you were a witch.”

  “Hit him again for me,” Lakesha said.

  “Gladly,” Sabrina said and punched my shoulder again.

  “Stop it,” I said.

  “She’s a powerful witch, Brett,” Sabrina said. “Of course she’s psychic.”

  “So you had a feeling,” I said.

  “That’s right.” Lakesha gripped the wheel tighter.

  “I’ve got a feeling
too,” I said. “My feeling tells me it’s nap time.”

  “You’d best start believing my feelings, Brett. I’m never wrong.”

  “Wake me up when we get wherever it is we’re going.”

  “The mall.”

  “So you can sense some more bullshit?”

  “Show some respect,” Sabrina said.

  “She’s not Aretha, so I don’t have to.”

  I leaned against the door and went to sleep.

  CHAPTER TEN

  If you’ve seen one large shopping mall, you’ve seen them all. Lots of little shops selling a bunch of crap nobody needs. Gift shops, overpriced shoes, ladies lingerie. Okay, maybe the lingerie was necessary.

  Lakesha parked by the movie theater entrance, and led the way into Westlake Mall. The place wasn’t very busy, but it was a school day before three, so other than a few gangbangers, there were old women, a few middle-aged men out buying jewelry to get out of the doghouse with their wives, and a few women with toddlers heading into a toy store.

  “Can we start with the food court?” I asked. “I could sure go for some Panda Express. Maybe the panda witnessed the ghost slaying. And if not, at least I can get some Szechuan chicken.”

  “Keep it up,” Lakesha said.

  “I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday.”

  “I’m hungry, too,” Sabrina said.

  “We’re going to the escalator first,” Lakesha said.

  We stopped at the first escalator. Lakesha held her arms out and shook them while closing her eyes. She snapped to attention and started walking toward the other end of the mall.

  “Your psychic powers couldn’t even put you on the right side of the building?”

  “You’re cruising for a bruising, Brett.”

  “I’m already bruised.”

  We walked past sporting goods stores, kiosks with cellphones and sunglasses with cute girls trying to stay awake while a few potential customers moved by without stopping, a pretzel shop, where I really wanted to stop because a hot pretzel sounded good, a T-shirt shop, a game store with a couple of kids skipping class, and so many others until we finally reached the other escalator. Lakesha closed her eyes, jiggled her arms, and pointed to the escalator going up to the second level.

  “This is it,” she said. She pointed to the floor near a fountain with pennies in the little pool. “He died right over there.”

  She got on the escalator, and we followed her.