The Big-Ass Witch (The Half-Assed Wizard Book 2)

by Gary Jonas

  “To hook up with chicks, of course.”

  Chuck rolled his eyes.

  “We can reschedule practice for tomorrow. Cool?”

  Teddy shook his head. “I have to work.”

  “And my wife is having a dinner party,” Chuck said. “If I miss that, she’ll castrate me while I sleep.”

  “Friday?” I asked.

  “Dude,” Teddy said, “tomorrow is Friday.”

  “Damn,” I said. “Days are just blending together.”

  Chuck stared at my arm. “Is that a new tattoo?”

  I glanced at the tat. It still showed the Ten of Swords. I guess that card would show until I asked another question and gave my arm a shake. “Yeah. Look, guys, I’m sorry about practice. Maybe we can sneak in a quick practice Saturday afternoon.”

  “Michael can’t be there in the afternoon,” Teddy said. Then he said it again, only with a ray of sunshine in his voice. “Michael can’t be there in the afternoon. That means Sabrina won’t be distracted.”

  “Guys, I hate to be a dick, but I have to grab something from the house and go. I have some serious shit going on right now.”

  “Like what?” Teddy asked.

  “Like serious shit.”

  “Blonde or brunette?” Chuck asked.

  “Not that kind of serious.”

  “So tell us what’s going on.”

  “You wouldn’t believe me.”

  “Try us,” Teddy said.

  “Okay, I have a ghost inside me that wants to make me kill myself and I have to get a necklace to go face beings known as the Dark Ones at a salvage yard in Houston or they’ll start eating souls.”

  They stared at me.

  I sighed. “Brunette,” I said.

  “I hope she’s worth it,” Chuck said. “Come on, Teddy. We may need to start auditioning for a new lead guitarist.”

  They climbed into the van and left.

  Not much I could do about that, so I went inside, grabbed the necklace and Abigail’s wallet, then returned to my car. When I slid behind the wheel, I didn’t bother to start the car. I gripped the wheel and stared at myself in the rearview mirror. What the hell was I doing? Tossing aside my friends and my music to risk my life for people I didn’t even know? And these so-called Dark Ones had only fed on ghosts so far. For all I knew, they’d be happy feeding on spirits and wouldn’t even go for any living souls. Why was this my problem?

  I looked at the tattoo of the Tarot card. Ruin. I needed a better answer. Maybe I needed a better question. What can I expect if I continue down this path? I thought.

  Die die die! Regina said.

  Not again.

  Die die die!

  I gave my arm a shake and looked at the card. It shifted to reveal one of the major arcana: The Moon.

  The image featured a dog and a wolf facing off against each other. Yeah, this did not bode well.

  Die die die Regina chanted.

  I dug into my memory. What did the Moon card represent? Some kind of mystery, of course. Was the deck telling me it didn’t know what I should expect? And then it hit me. The Moon was about going into the dark of night to face yourself. To see the real you. The you that you hide from. The wild against the domestic. But as my teacher told me so many years ago, if you don’t move through the darkness, you’ll never find the light.

  And why did I remember what she told me when I’d forgotten or not paid attention to most of what my other teachers said? If you guessed the teacher was hot, you scored a point. Miss Emily, oh how I crushed on her. I tried to answer the questions because I wanted to see her smile.

  That fell apart, of course, because one night I walked into the big house in New Orleans, went to my father’s library on the ground level of the mansion to study, and found my father with Miss Emily. They were doing some studying of their own. She was mortified when I caught them, and ran from the library, tugging her dress on as she went past me.

  But my father’s satisfied smile haunted me for years.

  I think he wanted me to catch them because he knew I liked her a little too much. It was another way for him to show what kind of power he held.

  My heart died that night.

  The next morning, Miss Emily tried to act like nothing happened, and started the lesson like normal, but I said something awful. I called her a slut, right to her face.

  Her cheeks reddened, tears welled in her eyes, and she said, “I never meant… I didn’t feel like I had a choice. Your father is a man of power.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Please don’t grow up to be like him,” she said.

  “Why not? He gets women like you all the time.”

  The tears spilled down her cheeks. She wiped them away, held her head up and was about to try starting the lesson again, but my father walked into the classroom.

  He gave her the same slimy smile he’d given me. “I’d like to see you in the library again tonight, Emily,” he said.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” she said. She walked up to him, and looked him right in the eyes. “Having great power does not make you a great man.”

  “That’s not what you said last night.” He nodded to me. “Isn’t that right, son?”

  I should have defended her, but at that point, I still thought I might be able to get my father’s approval someday. “That’s right, Dad,” I said.

  She restarted the waterworks, walked out the door, and I never saw her again.

  Die die die! Regina chanted.

  Maybe you’re right, Regina, I thought. All I ever do is let people down. Maybe death is the best answer. I shook my head like maybe Regina would fly out an ear and be gone. With night coming, she was getting stronger. These thoughts were all hers, not mine.

  Right?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  By the time we made it to Houston, it was dark, and the traffic had improved to the level of bad. You take what you can get. Regina kept urging me to kill myself, and I didn’t have any real arguments against it, but I still had shit to do, so I pushed her back.

  Alsup’s Auto Salvage sat in a nonresidential section of Houston, which was just as well. Junked cars were stacked atop one another, gigantic piles of scrap metal stood like mountains, and heavy industrial cranes, forklifts, and other equipment were parked near a car crusher and a series of massive bins filled with engine parts. Some cars sat without wheels and with mangled front ends.

  The gate to the yard stood open, and lights were on, though the place looked deserted. I stopped Lakesha’s hearse in the gateway. She had me drive because she hated driving at night. A small group of people had gathered at the gate. Abigail looked gorgeous sitting on the hood of a parked Honda Civic in the middle of the crowd, and a line of cars stretched out behind them.

  “That’s our coven,” Gene said. “Would you like to meet them?”

  “Not really,” I said.

  Michael pulled up and parked in the dark shadows off to my right. He and Sabrina got out of his Dodge Charger and approached the hearse.

  “Let’s make our introductions,” Lakesha said. She sat between me and Gene. “Get out of the car, Brett.”

  I shut off the engine and climbed out. She followed me, while Gene got out on the other side.

  We all gathered at Abigail’s Honda. I slipped past some women, and held out the wallet. Abigail wasn’t wearing any perfume. She snatched the wallet from my hand without even thanking me. Then she opened the damn thing and checked to make sure I hadn’t taken any of her cash or credit cards.

  Like I needed her money.

  “You need to release Demetrius,” I said.

  “I don’t need to do anything for you,” she said with a grin. “Everyone, this is Brett. He thinks too much of himself, so don’t be impressed.”

  I looked at the coven. The men and women looked to come from all walks of life. I don’t know what I expected, but these were just normal people. One guy still wore his postal uniform, so he’d come straight from his job delivering m
ail to be here. Another guy wore a nice suit. The women, like the men, came in all shapes and sizes. Some were slender, some were more average, but none of them would have stood out in a crowd.

  Had I expected evil looking women with warts on their noses? Nope. Maybe I thought they’d be wearing robes. Instead, they wore blouses, jeans, slacks, boots, sandals, sneakers. Some had long hair, some had short hair, some even had styled hair. You’d run into these people at a supermarket and not even notice them.

  “Hi, everyone,” I said.

  A few of them waved, but most didn’t bother. They looked bored. I could relate.

  “Is this going to take long?” a short woman asked. “I have to do laundry.”

  “I have an early shift tomorrow,” an Asian woman said. “I told my husband I’d be home by ten.”

  “Do you people even know why you’re here?” I asked.

  “A power blessing,” the Asian woman said. “But I don’t know why we’re doing it way out in the boonies.”

  Abigail shrugged. “We needed a full coven,” she said.

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her off the car. “Come here,” I said and led her away from the group. She reluctantly went with me.

  “What?” she said.

  “These people belong at a PTA meeting, not at a battle with creatures from another dimension.”

  “So Quincy told you about the Dark Ones.”

  I still thought of him as Gene, so it took me a moment to get it, but I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “He was only supposed to bring the witch.”

  “She’s here, too.”

  “I’m glad to see you’re still alive,” Abigail said.

  “I live for you, my dear.”

  “That spell should have worn off by now. I took a long shower and scrubbed away all traces of the perfume.”

  I gave her a lopsided smile. “I still think you’re cute as a bug’s ear.”

  She laughed and touched my arm. “What the hell is wrong with you? That may be the stupidest thing you’ve said yet. For future reference, assuming you survive the night, never ever compare a woman to a bug.”

  Lakesha wandered over to us. “We have a problem,” she said.

  “I know,” I said. “None of these people have any power.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Listen.”

  I cocked my head to the side. In the distance, I heard a soft moan on the wind. It sounded mournful, and it called to me.

  Time to die, Regina told me.

  Soon.

  “The Dark Ones are awake,” Abigail said. “They know we’re here.”

  Michael and Sabrina joined us. “Um, guys?” Sabrina said. “The witches here aren’t real witches.”

  “Yes they are,” Abigail said. “They just haven’t been at it for long. They’ve read a few Scott Cunningham and Starhawk books, but we haven’t taught them any spells yet. We just need their numbers.”

  “Where did you get them?”

  “CraigsList.”

  “It figures,” Sabrina said. “One of the men is telling the women they need to perform the ritual sky clad.”

  “That’s Todd,” Abigail said. “He thinks all meetings should be done in the nude.”

  “Nothing wrong with that,” Michael said.

  I glanced over at the group. “Todd must be the one stripping down,” I said.

  Abigail rolled her eyes. She looked over at them. “Todd! Keep your clothes on!”

  “We have to be sky clad!” he yelled. “Clothing blocks the magic spells. Come on everyone. Let’s get undressed for success.”

  He was down to his boxers before Gene reached him.

  “What’s the plan?” I asked.

  Lakesha pursed her lips, thinking. “Mr. Black, Abigail, and I will join with the others. There is power in numbers, and if I can draw some energy from you, I can set a protective spell around the salvage yard. Keep the Dark Ones from getting out.”

  “So Sabrina, Brett, and I go in to face the Dark Ones?” Michael asked.

  “Who are you and why are you here?” Abigail asked.

  “My name is Michael,” he said and cocked a thumb toward his chest. “Vampire.”

  “A real vampire?” she asked. “Show me your fangs.”

  “I’m not here to do tricks for you, lady.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “Vampires are like catnip to Dark Ones. We walk the line between life and death. We can give them the energy they get from ghosts along with the jolt of euphoria they get from souls.”

  “Ghosts aren’t just lost souls? I can feel the boy within me, and he seems to be a soul.”

  “Spirits without life can feed the Dark Ones, but souls are full when they’re in a physical body.”

  “Quincy didn’t explain that. He just told us we needed a ghost to use as bait to draw them out.”

  “And to steal shit,” I said.

  “Speaking of that,” she said, “where is the black onyx necklace?”

  I pulled it out of my pocket and dangled it in front of her. “Right here.”

  She reached for it, but I pulled it back.

  “You need to let Demetrius go before I give you the necklace.”

  She looked confused. “Why? Aren’t we on the same aside?”

  “I sure hope so, but there are only two Dark Ones. I have Regina inside me, so that will lure one of them out, and Michael can lure the other out, so we don’t need Demetrius. I want him safe.”

  She furrowed her brow and frowned. Then turned toward the coven. “Quincy?”

  Gene walked over to our group. “What is it, my child?”

  “He wants me to let Demetrius go free. Can we afford to do that?”

  “With a vampire and the ghost in Brett, we’ll be fine without the other ghost. That also means you get to stay outside the junkyard, Abigail. Turn the boy loose. We’re all friends here.”

  She turned her arms out, and the triangles glowed. A moment later, Demetrius popped out of her.

  “Where am I?” he asked.

  “Houston,” I said.

  “How do I get home?”

  “Lakesha will take you home later, little man,” I said.

  “Thanks, Brat,” Demetrius said. “I feel weird. Can I get some new comics?”

  “Sabrina will take you to the comic store in a few days, m’man. No worries.”

  “You can’t take me?”

  “We’ll see,” I said.

  “Hey Demetrius,” Sabrina said. “Go wait in the black sports car over by the fence.”

  He nodded. “Cool car.”

  “Don’t get any ectoplasm on the seats,” Michael said.

  Demetrius moved off toward the Charger.

  “The necklace?” Abigail said.

  I handed it to her, and she passed it to Gene.

  “Excellent,” Gene said. “I’ll pass out the protective amulets to the coven, and we can get started.”

  “They’re in the backseat of the Honda,” Abigail said. “It’s not locked.”

  “Lakesha, if you’ll accompany me, we can get things ready. We need wards and sigils. We have to make sure the Dark Ones can’t get out of the yard.”

  The moans on the wind grew louder.

  I checked my phone. It was ten minutes until midnight. Yeah, they were waking up all right. And Regina really wanted to go to them.

  “Brett,” Sabrina said grabbing my arm. “Where are you going?”

  “Huh?” I said then realized I’d started moving toward the gate. “We should take up our positions.”

  “Lakesha needs to tell us what to do first. If we go in there unprepared, the Dark Ones will kill us.”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  “Dude, you’re not making any sense,” Michael said.

  “Life doesn’t make any sense.”

  “The ghost is winning,” Abigail said. “She’s going to get stronger now that she’s affecting his mind.”

  Michael looked at Abigail. “When you went thro
ugh it, how long did it take for her to get you to try and hang yourself?”

  “Once she got to where Brett is now, it took five minutes. She guided me to the house without me realizing it, and I wasn’t thinking of the future, just focused on my past failings. He’s already lasted longer than I did.”

  I couldn’t see any reason to delay any longer. I took a deep breath and started moving toward the gate.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  When I neared the gate, Regina’s excitement about dying reached a fever pitch. I wanted to die in that moment too. But if I was going to kick off, I wanted to take at least one of the Dark Ones with me. Lakesha’s hearse was parked in front of the gate. Straight ahead of it toward the back of the salvage yard, I saw the car crusher machine. The stacks of tireless cars stood on one side with piles of scrap metal and heavy equipment on the other side that left an open road right to the massive machine.

  I wanted to get this over with—the battle, my life, everything.

  Something dark came out of the crusher. It looked like the Scream guy in the old movies, except it wasn’t wearing a mask, but it was clad in dark robes and a hood as it stepped into the light. When it moved into the shadows, it was darker than the darkness surrounding it. Wes Craven would be proud because it looked freaky as hell.

  The door to the hearse was open, and the keys were still in the ignition.

  I could walk to my death, but it would be far better to drive, so I hopped into the hearse, started the engine, and turned on the headlights.

  “What are you doing?” someone called. I still don’t know who yelled it, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t answer. Instead, I threw the hearse into Drive, and gunned the engine.

  “Ramming speed!” I yelled and aimed for the Dark One.

  Demetrius appeared in the headlights and I hit the brakes hard. I couldn’t stop in time so the car passed through him and stopped with his face a foot from mine. The steering wheel was inside his translucent chest.

  Die die die, Regina told me as always.

  See with my eyes, Regina. We should at least say goodbye to Demetrius first. He’s right here.

  “Demetrius?” I said for Regina, who finally saw him.

  “Auntie Regina?” Demetrius asked.

  “Yes,” she said through me. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry I failed you.”