Kiss the Bride

by Jody Wallace

  “Are you positive,” he said as soon as they could hear him, “that you don’t want to try one of the, uh, organized activities?” The maid of honor handbook had suggested various games and icebreakers a group could play at a bridal shower. Since Caro hadn’t had a shower, Heck had prepared a few for the limo and a few for later. He figured he could get the ladies constructing toilet paper dresses and take Caro aside for that important conversation.

  The ladies, however, had not been especially cooperative once they’d polished off the first couple bottles of wine at the restaurant.

  “Mad libs and bridal bingo, Heck?” Jhi snickered. “I don’t think so.”

  He crossed his arms. “I worked hard on those.”

  “We know you did, baby.” Lisa patted his knee. “Would ’oo like to tell the next bedtime story?”

  “Bedtime story.” Sally frowned. “But these aren’t… Oh, I get it! Stories about sex are stories about bed.”

  While everyone laughed, he glanced at Caroline, who raised her eyebrows at him.

  Man, she looked pretty. More dark stuff around her eyes than he was used to, but how had he never noticed his friend was beautiful? And sexy? And stacked?

  While he contemplated his thirty-four years of idiocy, Lisa’s hand ventured above his knee. “What about it, stud?”

  “I got nothing to say.” Heck’s ears burned. He wasn’t the type to kiss and tell, and the only sex stories in his head right now involved the bride. They were entirely made-up, and entirely X-rated.

  “Awwwwww,” everyone chorused.

  “He hasn’t had enough to drink.” Sally popped open another bottle of champagne, but it didn’t make it to Heck. Most of the ladies had ceased to use the picnic cups he’d supplied and swigged booze straight out of the bottle. They didn’t hesitate to belch afterward, either.

  Frances Gamble, the town librarian, wiped her mouth on a cocktail napkin and handed off the bottle with a naughty gleam in her eyes. “My turn. What I’m about to say cannot leave this limo. Do not tell a soul.”

  Sally snorted. Frances stuck a rigid finger at the wedding coordinator. “I mean it, Sally. If this gets out, it could ruin somebody’s”—her voice dropped to a loud whisper—“political career.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t tell a bunch of drunk women,” Heck muttered, wishing he had the guts to smack a woman’s hand when he wasn’t interested.

  Frances responded by taking his picture.

  “Smile!” she said after the snap, which was kind of pointless.

  Lisa snaked an arm around his neck and twiddled his hair. “Come on, wittle Heckie. Don’t be a pawty poop.”

  Wittle Heckie? On what planet did she think a grown man enjoyed baby talk? But the bride was glaring at him again, so he widened his eyes at Caroline and shrugged.

  If he’d thought he could get away with mouthing, “Hellllllp meeeeee,” he would have, but somebody else might notice, which could cause an argument or hurt feelings and ruin everybody’s good time.

  Caroline’s expression softened into something more like a smirk, but she didn’t rescue him. He bore the burden of Lisa in embarrassed silence as the nasty talk continued.

  “I love a good scandal,” Shonda said. “Tell us everything, Frances.”

  The librarian, her red, sequined dress flickering in the limo lights like hellfire, proceeded to grace everyone with an improbable tale about one of the candidates running for town alderman and his predilection for key parties and group sex.

  “How would you know about key parties, missy?” Shonda demanded with a finger wave.

  Heck wanted to ask what, exactly, a key party was, but if it had something to do with group sex, he didn’t think he’d enjoy the answer. Especially not with Lisa trying to appraise his family jewels. He scrunched into himself as Frances told another tale about her secret lover, whom she claimed they all knew. By the end of it, even Heck was curious who he was. If Frances was to be believed, the guy walked around on three legs and had a tongue like a giraffe.

  Then Lisa told a tale—without baby talk, since she wasn’t speaking to him—and Shonda, and Jhi. Pretty much everyone but he and Caro told tales.

  Each time Heck checked on Caro, which admittedly was a lot, she was either laughing or watching him, but she always ignored his nonverbal pleas for help.

  This sucked quarterback balls.

  Heck plucked Lisa’s sneaky hand off his thigh for the hundredth time and checked his watch in a single, smooth move. Fifty minutes since they’d left the Astaria? That was it? It seemed like they’d been trapped in the limo for hours. Hell. He should cut the cruising portion of the evening short. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

  “Hey, baby,” Lisa murmured in his ear as her fingernails scraped his neck. “Why don’t you ask the dwiver to dwop us at my hotel?”

  “No, thanks,” he whispered back. He wasn’t like Taggart. Women rarely came on to him, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

  “Aww. Wittle Heckie doesn’t wike me,” Lisa informed their companions. “He won’t give me a hug.”

  Heck flinched.

  “Good grief. ” Caro stumbled through the moving limo to Heck. Practically falling into his lap, she forced herself between him and Lisa. Thank God. He’d almost given up hope of rescue.

  “Wittle Heckie,” she said with a grin, “did you not realize you’re supposed to hug everyone tonight?”

  With a soft, fragrant bundle of Caroline in his lap, Heck’s brain turned off and his body turned on. “I am?”

  “Surely it was in the booklet.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “The maid of honor has to hug everyone at the bachelorette party. It’s part of your duties.”

  “You’re just making shit up,” he said, but he pulled her close anyway.

  She fit against him like caulk. When his arms tightened, she murmured something that sounded like, “Mmmmm.”

  Everyone cheered. He wondered what they’d say if they knew what Caroline’s little sigh had just done to his libido.

  “If I were maid of honor, I’d hug everybody,” Jhi said with a mean grin. “I might even kiss them. It’s what drunk girls do, right?”

  The cheers escalated to whistles. Frances in particular had a whistle that could almost break glass. Heck resisted the urge to stick his finger in his ear.

  “I’ll kiss everybody if Heckie wants to delegate,” Lisa volunteered.

  “Drunk girls also go to the bathroom together,” Shonda said, “but I’d just as soon Heck skip that part.”

  “Not me. I’d like to watch him—” Lisa winced as Caro’s menacing shoe whacked her ankle. “Ouch!”

  Frances held up a disposable camera. “I’ve got a bunch of film left. Is anybody here in politics?”

  “Come on, Heck.” Jhi stared at him, her black eyes glittery. “Kiss the bride.”

  “Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her,” the women chanted like a demonic sex cult. Cameras flashed around them.

  Heck glanced at Caroline’s full, red lips and away. They had to be joking.

  She smiled. “Kiss me,” she murmured in his ear.

  “Not a good idea.”

  “Don’t you want to kiss me?”

  He wanted to kiss her so bad, his cock stirred to life. Dammit! Would she notice? “That has nothing to do with it.”

  “We share ice cream, so I know you’re not scared of my germs,” she said.

  The other women were still cheering, but they were laughing, too, because Sally, as wedding coordinator, had taken it upon herself to hug and kiss everyone.

  “I love you guys!” she exclaimed. Between the motion of the limo and Sally’s state of intoxication, it was all the others could do to keep her from hurting herself.

  “Wittle Heckie is a pwude,” Caroline mocked softly. He could barely hear her over the racket. “Or maybe he doesn’t like girls.”

  He rolled his eyes, hoping he seemed unaffected, but his fingers spread across her warm hip. Cinched her in place
. He couldn’t feel any sharp bones there. She’d be lusciously soft in bed, just the way he’d imagined. “You know I like women. You’ve been hanging around Jhi too long.”

  Caroline glanced down and then back up, her pupils huge in the dim lighting. “Do you think Lisa’s pretty?”

  “Sure she is, but I’m not interested.” He preferred Caro and her velvety, freckled skin. Her breath on his cheek. Her breasts smashed against his chest.

  She shifted in his arms, wriggling closer. “Why not?”

  Because there was only room for one fantasy woman in Heck’s brain. And if he kissed her, the fantasy would explode in a fairly obvious fashion.

  He spread his legs, hoping his cock would poke down instead of up into Caroline’s cushy ass. He didn’t know if she’d believe it was a cell phone, and he couldn’t make it ring or vibrate.

  “If I kiss you,” he said in a low voice, “I’ll have to kiss everybody. Hugging is one thing, but come on. Don’t make me do that. Some of them are married. That’s not right.”

  She licked her lips, bending toward him as if she hadn’t heard a word he said. He was powerless to stop her. His fingers dug in, urging her on.

  She paused before her mouth brushed his. If he stuck out his tongue, he’d be able to taste her.

  “It’s just for fun,” she whispered, the words like tiny electric shocks on his lips.

  “It wouldn’t be fun for me.” Because, he realized suddenly, it might break his damn heart.

  Her brow furrowed. “That’s mean.”

  “It could be meaner. I’ll explain later, but right now, you need to drop it.” If Caro wanted to kiss him after he talked her into ditching Dan, that was one thing, but he wasn’t kissing her for the first time in the middle of all these drunk women.

  She opened her mouth to argue, so he caught her around the waist and tilted her aside, addressing the crowd. “You gals know what we haven’t done?”

  “Kissed the bride,” Jhi said immediately.

  That woman was trying to ruin his life.

  “He can’t, he might get cooties,” Caroline grumbled.

  “Nobody’s used the sunroof,” Heck suggested, determined to change the subject. “How can we hire a limo and not use the sunroof?”

  Sally crawled across the carpeted floor and halfway onto Shonda, Heck, and Caroline’s laps. “That’s because it’s nighttime,” she explained seriously. “There’s no sun. I love you guys.”

  “We love you, too, Sally,” Shonda said. “Caroline, pop open that roof.”

  Caro shot Heck a squinty glare and reached above his head, which smashed her boob into his shoulder. At least it got her butt out of range of his wiener.

  She smacked the glass above them. “Open sesame.”

  Everyone laughed. A camera clicked.

  “Try the on/off switch,” Jhi recommended.

  Caro pushed the lever to roll back the glass. Wind breezed into the limo, tugging Heck’s hair out of order. Caroline crawled up him like he was a staircase and stuck her head and shoulders into the cool night air.

  “Yahooooooo!”

  “Me too, me too.” Lisa jumped up in the seat to join Caro.

  Caro’s breasts were at eye level now, and her black sweater parted to reveal two delicious globes. They were in kissing range. Nibbling range. The neckline of her dress was lower than the wedding gown. There was no way she was wearing a bra.

  Heck concealed a groan. Caroline’s boobs, one lick away. She, they, smelled like perfume and soap. Her waist in his hands. Her body balanced on his. He tried not to breathe heavily, worried she’d notice that he was panting like a dog. Did she realize what she was doing to him?

  Then she clambered higher, standing on the seat with one foot on either side of his legs. Her tight skirt rode up until most of her thighs were bare.

  She did have freckles on her thighs. Way high up her thighs. His mouth was inches from her… God, he wanted to do more than kiss her. He wanted to sink his teeth in and eat his way right into her panties.

  Was she wearing panties?

  He inhaled—okay, smelled—much more deeply than was polite.

  The women in the limo started hooting.

  “When’s the last time you had your face there, Heck?” somebody yelled.

  “Quick, get a picture of that.”

  “If he’s gonna hand out that kind of kisses, I’m next,” someone added.

  Face burning, he shrank in his seat like a schoolboy being punished. Across the limo, his gaze locked with Jhi’s. She waggled a camera at him.

  “Better hold on to her,” Jhi said with her evil face. “You wouldn’t want her to get away, would you?”

  Lisa, on the other side of Caroline, balanced a knee against his shoulder as she helped Caroline rotate to face the front of the vehicle. Heck directed Caro’s feet somewhere other than his crotch. Her legs were silk beneath his work-roughened hands.

  Lisa and Caroline squealed and yelled, the wind snatching their voices. In a few seconds, Sally had scaled Heck, too. Shonda helped support the wedding coordinator and exchanged a glance with Heck.

  “Drunk women,” she said with a tipsy grin. “What are you gonna do?”

  “Cut them off.” He held Caroline steady as the limo turned a corner. Her butt bumped his forehead. They seemed to be in town, where there were other people on the street, judging by the cries he was hearing.

  “Where’s the fun in cutting us off?”

  “Where’s the fun in this?” he argued, but then he imagined how fun it would be if he did lick the back of Caroline’s thigh. If he did taste his way to her pussy and suck on her while her top half was outside the car, for anybody to see.

  Nobody would realize what was going on inside the car except…

  The other eight people screaming with laughter and taking his picture.

  Someone cranked the radio to a station that played dance music. Caroline, Lisa, and Sally started shaking their butts, and Heck had to tilt out of the way to avoid getting bonked.

  Frances tossed a camera at him, which bounced off Caro’s leg.

  “Upskirt,” Frances demanded.

  “Upskirt, upskirt, upskirt!” everyone chanted.

  Again with the demonic sex cult.

  He refused. “I’m not violating anyone’s privacy like that.”

  Lisa, her hair windblown into a brown rat’s nest, hit the seat beside him with a whump.

  She sprawled into a very, uh, showy position. “You can viowate my pwivacy anytime.”

  Heck hid his face before his retinas burned out, and she filched the camera from him. “Stwike a pose, Heckie Weckie.”

  The flash blinded him. “I’m not photogenic.”

  “Stick out that tongue,” Lisa said, “and wiggle it awound like Cawo’s booty is an ice cweam cone.”

  That was enough. “Cut the crap, Lisa. Talk to me like an adult.”

  She lowered the camera and batted her eyelashes. “What do you mean, Heckie? You look vewy, vewy adult to me.”

  Caroline slid down, landing in his lap. She ended up facing him, her knees on either side of his, which brought their groins closer than was safe.

  He was hard-pressed not to shove himself against her. He was hard, period.

  “He means quit baby talking.” Caro pushed her mussed curls out of her face. “It’s annoying.”

  Lisa smirked. “Wisa is vewy sowwy.”

  “Stuff it.” Caroline’s cheeks were pink from the wind, the alcohol, and the yelling.

  “You look like you enjoyed the sunroof,” he commented.

  She poked him in the chest. “I’ve decided to forgive you,” she said in a way that made him doubt it was true. “What are we doing next?”

  “Dessert,” he said in a loud voice, hoping they’d ask to fetch it right now.

  Caroline scooted herself sideways so she could debate ideas with the rest of her friends. If she was annoyed with him, why was she still in his lap? There was an open spot beside Jhi.

&nbs
p; “Not dessert. Strippers,” someone suggested. “Dancing with strippers.”

  “Whipped cream,” Frances screeched, which led to an explicit discussion of food items, orifices, and what was and wasn’t a good idea.

  That settled it. He had to redirect the driver. He couldn’t take this any longer. Jesus Christ, cucumbers didn’t go there.

  “Caroline. Caro.” He squeezed her to get her attention. “It’s time to—”

  Frances muscled into the rear seat. Lisa squawked.

  “Switch places,” Frances said. “I’m going up next.”

  Heck found himself shuffled elsewhere as everyone took a stab at shouting out the sunroof. Some of the ladies may or may not have flashed people outside the limo. He was trying his best not to look. He and Caroline had been separated.

  With the women this rowdy, Heck didn’t want Tallwood’s police to pull the limo over and wreck the evening. Although if it postponed the wedding…

  Nah. Better not. He instructed the driver to head for his farmhouse. It had belonged to his parents before they’d moved to Florida, and he owned it and some of the surrounding land. The rest of the property had been parceled out to his younger brothers. They’d argued over who had to take the existing house, and he’d lost.

  It was large, rambling, and not in fantastic shape, ironic considering the Heckley family profession. Heck hadn’t completed many repairs or replaced the furniture his parents had taken to Florida, but it had a basement for tornado season and it was paid for. Another plus was the large barn his parents had converted into a meeting venue, which provided a small income when he rented it out for parties.

  The limousine cruised up the long drive. Since only the neighbor’s cows were left to heckle, the ladies hanging out the sunroof returned to the car, flushed and triumphant.

  Jhi, who’d utilized the sunroof without displacing a single twig of her straight black hair, regarded him suspiciously. “Isn’t this where you live?”

  “Yep,” he agreed.

  Caroline lowered her champagne bottle and peered out the smoked-glass window. “What are we doing here?”

  “This is the best part.” He smiled and took the bottle out of her hands. She hadn’t had as much to drink as the others, and he didn’t want her distracted. Whatever irritation she felt would soon be gone.