Cowboy on My Mind

by R. C. Ryan

  “Maybe she was using you at first,” his friend acknowledged. “But that’s not why she wrote the article. Have you even read it?”

  No. He hadn’t been able to stomach the thought of staring at her words. Words that had been taken from him without his consent.

  His silence must’ve spoken for him because Levi nodded. “You really need to read it. Hell, it almost made me choke up.”

  “I can’t read it,” Jaden said simply. He’d read plenty of articles that had torched him, and he hadn’t cared. But Kate’s words would matter more.

  “Guess I’ll have to read it to you, then.” His friend shifted and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “At least the good parts.”

  “No thanks—”

  “‘When I first met J.J. Alexander,’” Levi interrupted, “‘I saw what the rest of the world had seen—a cocky, bitter, fallen hero—’”

  “You can stop now.” Pain roiled in Jaden’s gut. He knew her words would sting.

  “Sorry. I shouldn’t have read that part. It gets better.” Levi turned his gaze back to the phone. “‘After spending a week with him, I realized I was wrong. We were all wrong. J.J. isn’t bitter or closed off or arrogant. He’s wounded, haunted by regrets just like the rest of us. In one split second, his board caught an edge, and that tragic accident didn’t only change Kipp Beckett’s life, but it also changed J.J.’s life forever. He hasn’t been able to escape it. He thinks about Kipp every day.’” Levi glanced up at him. “See? She’s obviously trying to help, to get people to see your side of the story.”

  “I don’t need people to see my side of the story.” He hadn’t made excuses for any of it. The accident might not have been intentional, but it was still his fault. It was all on him. “The article will only make things worse.” She’d put him back in the same spotlight he’d been running from for months.

  “There’s more.” Levi bent his head and went back to reading. “‘Instead of exposing Jaden as a disgraced athlete like I had intended to do in this article, I fell for him. I fell for his subtle wit and his thoughtfulness and his profound depth. I fell for the way he loves and protects the dog he rescued from abuse and neglect. And yes, I even fell for his emotional scars because they are what make him so real. In one week, I discovered that J.J. Alexander has more empathy and strength and compassion than I ever will.’”

  Her words roused hope, but he couldn’t quite hold on to it. “Maybe she wrote it that way on purpose.” Everyone wanted a good love story. “Maybe she wanted it to go viral so she’d have a recognizable name.” What if she didn’t care about him at all? No one else except for Gram ever had. Not his parents or his teammates. When he had been competing and winning, everyone had wanted to stand by him, but after he had fallen, he stood alone.

  Levi shoved his phone back into his pocket and glanced around, a sure sign he was changing his approach. “Growing up, you and I didn’t exactly have the greatest example of what love should look like.”

  “That’s an understatement.” When your parents left, love pretty much looked like abandonment. Levi knew that as well as he did.

  “I was like you for a long time,” his friend said. “Happy with a hookup here and there. But everything was different when I reconnected with Cass. It didn’t matter what she did to me. How angry she got or how many times she pushed me away. I couldn’t let her go. Not because I wanted anything from her either. I just loved her.”

  Jaden stared out the window. Had he ever just loved anyone? He didn’t know how.

  “Look…” The first signs of frustration showed in Levi’s narrowed eyes. “I’m not as good at this lecture thing as Lance is. All I know is, I couldn’t picture my life without Cass. I guess you need to decide if you could have feelings like that for Kate. Or for anyone. Maybe not now, but someday.”

  The feelings were already there. That’s why he hurt like this. Somehow, the last two days had been lonelier than all twenty-four years of his life before he’d met Kate because now he knew what he was missing. “I already screwed it up.” Jesus…had he really told her she was the fakest person he’d ever met? It wasn’t only the words he’d used, though; it was also the venom behind them. She’d never forgive him for treating her that way.

  “Believe it or not, I have some experience in begging a woman for forgiveness.” Humor returned to Levi’s voice. “But before you can ask for it, you’ve got to get yourself in a better place so you don’t need a distraction anymore. Or things will never change.”

  The words were like stones sinking into his gut. Nothing would ever change if he didn’t work for it. He’d put too much on Kate. It couldn’t be her responsibility to pull him out of the pit he’d been living in. It shouldn’t be. She deserved more. “I did use her.” He cared about her, too, but that didn’t change the facts. He’d only wanted her there because she made him feel something. She’d given him the courage to face the mountain again. All that had mattered was what she could offer him.

  “Well, my work here is done.” Levi stood and gave Bella a good scratch behind the ears before he opened the back door. “We’ve got a poker night at my place next Tuesday if you’re up for it.”

  Jaden simply stared at him. How could he think about next Tuesday right now?

  “You can let me know after you get this shitshow cleaned up,” Levi said with a grin. Then he slipped out the back door, leaving Jaden to sit and wallow in his own stupidity.

  Seeming to sense his misery, his dog walked over, sat down, and laid her head on his knee.

  “Damn, Bella.” He rested his hand on her head. “How are we gonna fix this?”

  * * *

  The Craig Hospital gift shop was stocked with flower arrangements, stuffed animals, and inspirational books and plaques. Jaden wandered down an aisle past shelves of trinkets inscribed with clichéd messages: Get well soon! Healing thoughts and good wishes!

  The sentiments turned his stomach sour. What could he say to Kipp? What could he bring him that would make any of this better? He’d been trying to figure that out for two days, and he still had nothing.

  Hands empty, he ducked out of the gift shop, dragging three months of guilt along behind him. When he’d emailed a request to visit Kipp in the hospital, Jaden fully expected him to decline, but he hadn’t. Come on by anytime, Kipp had written. I’ll make sure you’re on the list.

  It was surreal walking down the hall now. He’d imagined this place would look like a dungeon—dark and depressing—but windows everywhere let in the bright sunlight. Two young women pushing themselves in wheelchairs rolled toward him, chatting and laughing like they were in the hall of a high school. They smiled as they passed, and somehow he found a smile too. They looked happy. Healthy. He hoped the same was true for Kipp.

  Jaden continued down the hall, following the directions to the rec center where Kipp apparently spent most of his afternoons. The room looked nothing like he imagined. There were low Ping-Pong and pool tables and a huge television screen mounted on the wall with video game consoles lined up underneath.

  “What’s up, Cowboy?” Kipp wheeled himself over, a Ping-Pong paddle sitting in his lap. He looked…the same. From the bandanna tied around his head to the sturdiness of his broad shoulders to his confident grin.

  The sight stung Jaden’s eyes. “You look…good.” He didn’t mean to sound so shocked, but all of the mental images he had of Kipp were still from those first few days after the accident when the media had plastered pictures of him being loaded into the medevac.

  “I feel good. Just kicked Jones’s ass in a game of Ping-Pong.” He gestured to another man in a wheelchair who’d moved on to the Xbox. “You want to be next?” Kipp asked with that signature spark in his eyes. Without waiting for an answer, he wheeled over to the Ping-Pong table and brought Jaden a paddle.

  He almost didn’t know what to do with it. “You want to play Ping-Pong?”

  “Hell yeah. I’m undefeated.” Kipp trucked to the other side of the table and got into
position. “Zeros,” he said one second before he nailed a killer corner shot that Jaden of course missed.

  “I wasn’t ready.” He wasn’t ready for any of this. He hadn’t even told the man he was sorry yet.

  “Better get ready, Alexander. Because I’ve had a lot of time to practice.” Kipp found another ball on the floor nearby and rolled back to the table. “One–zero.” He served another zinger that whizzed by Jaden’s right shoulder.

  “Wait. Hold on.” Jaden set down his paddle. “I didn’t come here to play Ping-Pong. I came here to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry you got hurt and not me. I’m sorry I’m not the one sitting in that chair.” It could’ve been him. “You don’t have to pretend this is easy.” He got that Kipp didn’t want his pity—Jaden wouldn’t want pity either—but the man’s life would never be the same.

  Kipp rolled his eyes as though he’d been dreading this conversation as much as Jaden. “It’s not easy,” he acknowledged. “But I’ve had three months to process things. At first I was as pissed as hell about it. Some days I still am. But I’ve also learned my life isn’t over. Hell, I’ve already been invited to be a commentator for the X Games next year.”

  He should’ve been competing in those games, though. Jaden didn’t say it. Kipp already knew what he’d lost. Somehow he seemed to be on the road to accepting it. So why couldn’t Jaden? Why couldn’t he release the guilt? “You let me know if you ever need anything.” Maybe that would help. If he could just do something for Kipp, maybe he could forgive himself. “I’ll be there for you. I’ll help you out however I can.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, J.J. I’ve seen the footage.” His old rival mocked him with a smirk. “It’s not your fault you’re not as good on a board as I was.”

  Same old trash talk from one of the greats but this time Jaden didn’t return fire. He couldn’t. “I should’ve pulled back.” He’d been moving too fast, too recklessly. He’d wanted to win. That was the truth of it. If he’d backed off, the accident never would’ve happened.

  “I would’ve been offended if you had slowed down,” Kipp said. “We competed. We’re athletes. That’s what we do.” The man’s expression sobered. “The last three months have sucked but I’ve got a lot going for me. That’s what I want to focus on now. The future.”

  And that’s what Jaden would focus on too.

  Chapter Eleven

  Welcome to the Chocolate Therapist.” Kate greeted the older couple with the same enthusiasm as she had greeted every other couple and family group and friend group that had walked through the doors for the last nine hours.

  Her feet, which were stuffed into her favorite pair of black Manolo Blahniks, ached like a mother, but even the pain couldn’t dim the excitement of day four in her new life. All within less than a week of the big falling out with Jaden, she’d managed to fly home, pack up her apartment, and say farewell to everyone before she’d driven straight back to Topaz Falls.

  When she’d driven into town, the sun was setting over the mountains in a fiery red welcome. So far it felt like this place had always been her home. Even with long days of learning the wine and chocolate business, the shininess of her new venture still hadn’t dulled.

  “Would you like a table?” she asked the couple, gracefully withdrawing two menus from the hostess stand. “Or would you prefer to sit at the bar?”

  Darla appeared behind her. “I can take over, Kate. Your shift was over a half hour ago.”

  “That’s okay. I’m having so much fun.” Even with achy, swollen feet, this was better than going back to her room at the Hidden Gem to spend the evening by herself. Despite the homey decorations, loneliness echoed between the walls.

  “All right.” Darla drifted back to the bar. “But at least sit down after they’re seated.”

  Ignoring her friend, she turned back to the elderly couple.

  “We would love a table near the windows, dear.” The woman appeared to be in her early seventies with white wispy hair and jewel-like blue eyes.

  Her husband was a head shorter than her and just as adorable with a rim of frizzy gray hair around a shiny bald spot. “There’s something going on down the street, and we’d like to see how it turns out.”

  “Of course,” Kate sang. “Right this way.” Ignoring the pinch in her toes, she led them to a quaint table for two that looked out on Main Street. Darla had been right. She was good at this. Good with people. They always smiled at her, and even though she’d only been working here for a few days, she’d managed to defuse three grumpy patrons’ complaints and had them all smiling and laughing again within a matter of minutes.

  “Here we are.” She tucked the menus under her arm and pulled out each chair with a charming smile, patiently waiting until the couple had gotten situated before she handed them the wine and chocolate list.

  Instead of opening his menu, the man craned his neck as though trying to see down the street. “Any idea why all that trash is piled onto the car out there?”

  “It’s not trash, Gerald,” his wife corrected. “It’s sweet. There are flowers and streamers and balloons…”

  Kate choked on a gasp. Flowers. Streamers. Balloons. On a car…

  She tried to keep her hopes smothered under practical logic, which had never been one of her strengths. Jaden hadn’t returned any of her emails or calls. After a few days, she’d stopped trying.

  “It’s so pretty,” the woman went on. “I saw the man fixing it all up nice. He was tying heart-shaped balloons to the door handles, the sweetheart.”

  Sweet Lord…

  Those darn hopes threw logic to the wind and sent her heart sky-high. Bracing her hands on the table, Kate leaned forward as far as she could without bumping her forehead on the glass. Each beat of her heart thumped harder when she looked down the block to where she’d parked her car earlier. Sure enough, it was covered.

  “Oh my God.” It had to be him. No one else around here knew that story.

  “Um…your waiter will be right with him…I mean you,” Kate stammered to the couple. The happiness burning in her eyes made her voice all weepy. She steadied herself against their table once more and pulled off her shoes, letting them dangle from one hand as she hurried toward the door.

  “Are you all right, honey?” the woman called.

  “I will be.” As soon as she saw him—as soon as she felt his arms wrap around her—she would be. Kate ran down the sidewalk barefoot, her pencil skirt surely making her resemble a waddling penguin, but she didn’t care. It was such a lovely sight, her car covered in orange. There were gerbera daisies and orange hearts cut out of construction paper, and yes, even heart-shaped balloons. But she couldn’t see the front yet. Would Jaden be there? Had he really forgiven her?

  “Pardon me,” she mumbled, bumping her way past people.

  When she finally broke through the crowd that had gathered, her knees gave. Jaden was sitting on the hood of her car with the stem of an orange gerbera daisy between his teeth.

  “Look at you…” She stumbled off the curb, nearly incapacitated by the tears and laughter, sure that the happiness of this moment could fill a whole lifetime.

  “Hey, gorgeous.” He somehow managed to annunciate perfectly, even with the daisy in his mouth.

  The crowd around them grew, pressing in on both sides of the street. Both locals and tourists snapped pictures and selfies on their phones. He hadn’t tried to disguise himself. No hat. No sunglasses. Just J.J. Alexander sitting on the hood of her car. None of the attention seemed to bother him, though. He stared steadily at her as she crept closer. “What’re you doing?”

  “I’m asking you on a date.” He took the flower out of his mouth and dropped it on the hood and then reached for her hand. “Kate Livingston, will you go on a date with me?”

  “Hell yes, she will,” Darla called from behind her. “How about right now? We can set up a nice private table in the back.”

  Murmurs of approval went around the crowd. Someone even clapped.

/>   Kate shushed everyone with a frantic wave of her hand. This moment was a scene straight out of her dreams, and she didn’t want anyone to intrude.

  “I’m sorry I was such an ass.” He eased off the hood and stood across from her. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you out. I’m sorry I ripped up your article.”

  “Awww. I’ll go on a date with you,” some woman yelled from the other side of the street.

  “No.” Kate put her hands on his broad shoulders to make sure this was really happening. “I mean yes. Of course I’ll go on a date with you.”

  Jaden lowered his face to hers, her favorite grin in the entire world flickering on his lips. “Now?”

  “Now,” she confirmed.

  The crowds parted. Cell phone cameras followed their every move as they huddled together and hurried back to the Chocolate Therapist, ducking through the doors so they could leave the rest of the world behind.

  “Back here, you two.” Darla quickly ushered them down the hall to the room where they met for book club. She’d already had the waitstaff drag in a small round table, two chairs, and a vase with a single orange gerbera daisy she must’ve swiped from the car.

  God, these women. They had the best and biggest and brightest hearts she’d ever seen. “Thank you.” Kate brushed away her tears as Darla gave her a wink and disappeared, closing the door firmly behind her.

  They both sat down.

  “You’re crying.” Jaden took her cheeks in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears.

  “You humiliated yourself out there.” All for her. “That’ll be all over the news by tonight.” People were probably tweeting and Instagraming and Facebooking the pictures right now.

  “I don’t care.” Something had changed on Jaden’s face. The day she’d met him, it had borne the lines of tension and stress, but now his features seemed softer. Relaxed. “I’m tired of caring what everyone else thinks. Except you.” He slipped his hand under hers and held on. “You were right. There is something between us. Something…special. Something I’ve never had with anyone else.”