Just Watch the Fireworks

by Monica Alexander

“Mom!” I said, not believing she was asking me that.

  “I know you did,” she said, and I wasn’t sure if it was mother’s intuition or if Beckett had told her. I didn’t know if they had spoken since I’d ended things with him.

  “You’re not mad?” I asked.

  She settled back in her chair. “I’m disappointed,” she said. “I’m not mad. I also know that you and Beckett love each other more than any two people I’ve ever met. I think you made a panicked decision when you said yes to Ryan, and although I like him, he is not the guy I envisioned for you when I saw you getting married.”

  I sniffed. “That’s just because you love Beckett,” I accused.

  “Honey, I love Beckett, because you love him. He is also a wonderful man, but I think you already know that.”

  I did know that.

  “Here’s the deal,” she continued. “You might get hurt. You might be married fifty years. No one knows what the outcome is when they take a chance with someone, but the worst thing you can do is take a chance with the wrong man. That is a mistake you’ll never forgive yourself for when you finally realize it.”

  I crossed my arms and appraised her. “Is that what you tell yourself about Dad?” I asked, challenging her supposed wisdom.

  “No, I loved your father. He just didn’t love me enough, but I don’t regret being married to him for all those years. I got you. Where I am taking a chance is with Frank. That man asked me to marry him after six months of dating, and I told him no for seven years. Then, last weekend, he asked again, and I said yes. I decided to take a chance with him, because at the end of the day, I know he’s a good man. I can’t take what happened in the past and apply it to every future situation, because it won’t work. The past does not dictate the future.”

  I leaned forward. “Yes, but if we ignore the past and don’t learn from it, we are destined to repeat it. I don’t want to repeat what happened with Beckett.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine, so go be with someone you don’t truly love, and see how that works out for you. See how great your future is then.”

  Her words stung, but they finally hit home, and I knew what I needed to do.

  “Okay, so from the look on your face, I think I need to tell you something,” she said then, and I was suddenly panicked that maybe Beckett had moved on and he was no longer an option for me. I felt my heart crack at the idea that he might be taken.

  “What?” I asked, steeling myself for the worst.

  “We’re having a party tomorrow – for you and Ryan, and his whole family is coming. Surprise!” Her surprise had a sarcastic tone to it.

  My shoulders dropped. “Mom, what are you talking about? Ryan doesn’t get in until tomorrow night.”

  “He’s coming in early to surprise you,” she said, and I could see her thinking of ways change the immediate future, but I knew it was too late.

  “When? Shit, Mom! I was planning to tell him everything when I saw him this weekend, and I need us to be alone when I do that. I’m not causing a scene in front of his family!”

  “He actually gets in this afternoon, he’s coming to dinner with us, and he’s staying at our house. His family is coming for lunch at noon tomorrow. That’s the total surprise, which was a great idea until I just learned that my daughter was planning to end her engagement this weekend.”

  “This afternoon!” I let my head fall onto my arms that were folded on top of the table, shaking it back and forth. I lifted it back up after a few seconds. “What am I supposed to do?”

  She shook her head and shrugged. “You will just have to play nice tonight and during the party. You can tell him afterward. You probably should have thought about this before you got engaged to the wrong guy and then cheated on him.”

  Sometimes I really loved my mother’s fire and independence she’d gained from rebounding as a single mom after my father left, but sometimes her forwardness really pissed me off – especially when she was right. Ugh, it was going to be a long weekend.

  ***

  The next morning I woke up with a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, exacerbated by the fact that Ryan was asleep next to me. I had acted my ass off the night before, much to the approval of my mother and the dismay of myself. I felt like such a bitch.

  “Morning babe,” Ryan said into the back of my neck, and I shivered involuntarily. He kissed my neck and the backs of my bare shoulders.

  All I kept thinking was that it shouldn’t feel awkward, but it did. All of a sudden, it was weird to be around him. His touch felt foreign, and I had the urge to pull away from him. Thankfully we were at my mother’s house, so he wouldn’t try to initiate anything more than kissing. It had really taken everything in me not to tell him what I’d done the night before, but I knew it would be worse to do that to him. I could wait until after the lunch when we were alone, back at my apartment. I didn’t want to cause a scene at my mom’s house. Ryan would hate that.

  “I think I’m going to go for a run,” I said, as I started to get out of bed.

  Ryan held my arm so I couldn’t move. “Stay here,” he said. “I haven’t seen you in a month. I just want to hold you.”

  I pulled away from him. “I really want to go running,” I said. “You should come with me. We can run together.”

  He looked at me appraisingly for a minute. It felt like he wanted to say something more, but all he said was, “Okay, sure.”

  As soon as we hit the sidewalk, I put my ear buds in and let the music take over. Thankfully, Ryan did the same, so we were able to run in silence. We looped around the route I’d run with Beckett during high school. As we approached my mother’s driveway, I had to take a few deep breaths. Beckett’s green 4Runner was in his parents’ driveway. He was home too, and it was either extremely coincidental or my mother had played a hand in his location that day, knowing I would want to talk to him later. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things, but there is was, parked in the same spot it had been all during high school.

  “You okay?” Ryan asked, looking over at me. I realized I’d stopped in my tracks.

  I looked over at him, a blank expression surely on my face. “I’m fine,” I said, my voice sounding strained.

  Ryan had no idea that Beckett and I had grown up as neighbors. I’d kept that from him. He had no way of knowing what had me so out of sorts in that moment, and I was glad I’d never divulged much about my history with Beckett. It was saving me then.

  ***

  “Are you upset with me or something?” Ryan asked, as we got ready in my bathroom. I was applying mascara, and he was shaving, so our reflections were having a conversation.

  I shook my head. “No, not at all,” I said, smiling at him.

  He smiled over at me. “Good, because I have a surprise for you. I’m going to quit my job when I move back in two weeks, so we can move to The Vineyard like we talked about.”

  He was looking at me in anticipation, waiting for my reaction, but I couldn’t fake a response to that. I hadn’t taken seriously what he’d said that day about quitting his job and living off his savings.

  “What?” I asked, and could hear how rude I sounded. He’d caught me completely off-guard.

  “What’s wrong? We talked about this,” he said, and reached over to take my hand. I pulled my hand away so he couldn’t reach it. “You were on-board with it a month ago.”

  I shook my head in aggravation. “We haven’t talked about it since, Ryan. I didn’t think you were serious. You just don’t get it,” I said, leaving the bathroom and heading back into my room.

  Ryan followed me, his face half-covered in shaving cream. “Jesus, Courtney,” he said. “What is wrong with you? Seriously.”

  “Nothing.”

  He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “That’s a lie, and you know it. Tell me right now why you are so terrified of taking a step, any step, forward with me,” he demanded.

  I threw my hands up in the air. “I got engaged to you, didn�
��t I,” I said, flashing my engagement ring in his face.

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” he said, and I could tell he was still pissed, but just the slightest amount of hurt had crept into his voice.

  I had to divert his attention, or else I would let loose on him in that moment. Just a few more hours. I needed to hold it in just a little longer.

  “Ryan, I live with Summer. I have a lease. I can’t just move in with you,” I said.

  “So you’ll break your lease.”

  “I have a job and student loans and a life in Boston! All my friends are there.”

  “You mean Beckett,” he said coldly.

  “No, I don’t. I haven’t spoken to him in weeks,” I said. “We’re not friends anymore.”

  Ryan raised his eyebrows at me, then narrowed his eyes, and I knew he was on to me. “What happened?”

  “He wanted more than I could give.”

  “Ha!” Ryan said, and I could tell that as pissed as he was with that news, he was delighted that his suspicions had been confirmed. “I knew he was still in love with you.”

  “Yes, Ryan. You were right. You win the big fucking prize,” I said, shaking my head. “You just don’t get it.”

  I walked by him as I left the room but didn’t say a word. He tried to grab my hand as I passed, but I pulled away from him.

  “You have feelings for him,” Ryan deadpanned, as soon as I was two steps into the hallway.

  I turned around to face him but didn’t say anything.

  “I’m right, aren’t I,” he said, a mix between anger and hurt flashing in his eyes as he closed the gap between us.

  “Just let it go, Ryan,” I said, feeling deflated. “I’m not having this fight with you again. It’s evident that you just don’t trust me.”

  As I turned away, I hoped it would be enough to hold him off for a few hours, but I wasn’t sure that he bought into my attempt at dodging his question.

  “You know, I’m not sure I do,” he said, and I just turned around and glared at him.

  Thirty

  As I looked around my mother’s living room, I saw my parents, my dad’s wife Stacey, my mom’s fiancé Frank, Lydia and Charles, Lisa, James, and John standing around the living room, drinking cocktails and talking. The whole gang’s here, I thought as I took in the fact that my mom and Stacey were talking like old friends, and Lisa and her mother were as far away from them as possible.

  Our families were like oil and water. It was a good thing this was the last time they’d be together in the same room. Next to me, feeling like oil to my water, was Ryan. He took my hand in his, and I could tell he was trying to make nice. I acquiesced since I didn’t want to make a scene, and I knew he didn’t either. I was sure the conversation we’d had earlier would continue as soon as we were alone which was fine since we’d be able to finish it.

  Lisa, eight months pregnant rested one hand on her distended belly and fingered the ubiquitous string of pearls around her neck with the other, a sourer look on her face than usual. I wondered if she was uncomfortable in the oppressive heat outside. I imagined she probably was as I walked over to her and Lydia, smiling and playing my part as their gracious in-law to be.

  Around the room, hellos, hugs, and handshakes were exchanged as our families co-mingled and my dad poured drinks. I found it odd that he hadn’t lived in that house for eight years, but he’d made himself right at home at the wet bar, just like he always had before.

  “Something to get you through the afternoon,” Ryan said, smiling at me as he walked over and handed me a glass of champagne.

  I narrowed my eyes at him as I took the glass from his hand.

  “I love you, and I trust you,” he said. “No more fighting, okay. We’ll work everything out later.” He smiled before heading over to make nice with my father, and my heart broke just a little as I thought about how he wouldn’t be saying that in a few hours.

  I did my best, chatting with my mom and Lydia while I slowly sipped my champagne, realizing it was actually working. I was feeling more relaxed. That is until Lisa walked up and asked if she could talk to me.

  “Sure,” I said, stepping to the side, wondering what she could want. We’d already exchanged pleasantries, so there didn’t seem to be much else to say.

  “So I’ve been reading your blog,” she said, as she cocked an at eyebrow at me.

  I looked at her confused. I wasn’t sure how she’d found out about my blog. I’d never talked about it with her, and it wasn’t like she was getting married any time soon.

  “Oh yeah,” I said, taking another sip of champagne.

  “Yes,” she said. “It’s been very informative.”

  “Okay,” I said, not sure what she was getting at. I thought back to the past few postings I’d done, wondering what she was talking about.

  “I especially liked the one about what to do if your ex-boyfriend is invited to a wedding that you’re attending. That was charming. It sounded like you were speaking from experience.”

  I didn’t say anything. I just appraised her, trying to figure out where she was planning on taking the conversation.

  “I noticed that you didn’t include anything about visiting your ex-boyfriend at his apartment after said wedding. Why was that?”

  My blood ran cold. She knew that I’d gone to Beckett’s that night after Lauren Morgan’s wedding. There was no way she could know that. It had been after midnight. Beacon Hill had been deserted. I tried to maintain my composure. I would not give her the satisfaction of letting her know she was getting to me.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lisa,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t play dumb with me. I know you were there that night.”

  I swallowed hard. “We’re just friends,” I said, trying to keep my breathing under control. I was slowly losing my composure. My hands were shaking. I set my champagne on a nearby table for fear of dropping it.

  “Oh yeah,” she said. “You sure didn’t seem like ‘just friends’ last month when you were at the movie theater. Or kissing at The Bell in Hand.”

  My mouth suddenly went very dry. I couldn’t bring myself to swallow.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, sounding very confused on purpose.

  How the hell did she know about all of that?

  “Do friends hold hands?” she asked, putting her hand to her chin like she was contemplating something. She turned away from me for a second, then looked back, her eyes gleaming. “No, they don’t do that. They also don’t have sex with each other, especially when one of them is engaged to someone else.”

  Okay, there was no way she could have known about that. She was just baiting me to see what I would say, and I wasn’t about to admit anything to her. We stood there, staring at each other, waiting for someone to speak. She wanted me to acknowledge what she said, and I wanted her to let me know how in the hell she knew so much about my life.

  “I’ll bet my brother would love to know what you’ve been up to lately,” she said then, her voice sickly sweet.

  Just then John sidled up to us, and I knew immediately how she knew everything.

  “Not this brother,” Lisa said then. “He already knows everything.”

  “You really are a whore,” John said then, jogging my memory as he took a sip of his scotch on the rocks.

  I turned to John. “You’re WomanInWhite34!” I hissed.

  “No, I am,” Lisa said then, and I turned to face her.

  “You?!”

  She smiled widely. “Guilty. I thought the screen name was quite creative. I was much purer than you when I walked down the aisle, so yes, I got away with wearing white that day. You won’t be able to – if you even make it to the aisle, that is.”

  They were both staring at me, Lisa smiling like an insane person, and John with a nasty sneer on his face.

  “How do you know all of . . . what you told me?” I asked quietly, knowing there was no use in denying any
of it anymore. They knew too much.

  I suddenly needed to know how I’d gotten caught. Had John hired a private investigator to tail me? The thought that someone had been watching me for weeks made me sick to my stomach.

  John smiled at this. “Well, that would all be me. Lisa just did the posting, but I was the one who got to witness your screaming infidelities against my brother.”

  “How?” I asked, my eyes narrowing as I appraised him.

  “Well, this is where it gets good. See, I move to Beacon Hill, and my first week there, I’m at the local pub and who should walk in but my brother’s fiancé. I thought I’d go say hi, but then I noticed she wasn’t alone, so instead of saying anything, I just watched. Imagine my surprise when she started opening flirting with the guy she was with. When I saw them leave together, I followed them. Then, when they were on the steps of my building, I saw her kiss him.”

  “Your building?” I asked, my breath catching in my throat.

  “Yeah,” he said. “It’s a great apartment, but the walls are really thin.”

  He let his last statement hang out there in the void for a few seconds.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head slowly from side to side.

  “Yes,” he said, his tone full of snark. “And as much as your boy ‘friend’ hoped Toad the Wet Sprocket would drown out any noise, he was wrong. You’re a little screamer, aren’t you?” His eyes opened wide, and he looked wickedly at me as he said his last statement.

  I felt the blush creep up my face as I realized we’d had an audience that day. “You’re Beckett’s neighbor?” I asked, completely taken aback by this information.

  What were the fucking odds?!

  “Sure am,” he said. “I thought he looked familiar when I saw you with him at the pub. Imagine my surprise when I realized we were neighbors, so I started watching him and listening to his conversations. I knew almost every time when you were with him, and since I never saw any other women going in and out of his place, when I heard what you two were doing in his room, I knew it was you. I watched you leave through the peephole just to make sure my suspicions were confirmed.”