My Heart is Home

by Barbara Gee

  JP’s chuckle vibrated against my back. “Seriously, can I help with something?”

  “Too late,” Ava said, dumping chucks of chocolate into a double-boiler and adding cream. “All we need to do is heat the broth and let this melt. We’re ten minutes out.”

  True to her word, we were seated at the table ten minutes later with the cheese fondue in the middle. The meal was not only tasty, but so much fun. Since every bite had to be dipped or cooked it did take quite a while, but we were all okay with that.

  I loved seeing JP and Jude interacting. They were a lot alike, although Jude was more extroverted and “go with the flow” than his older brother. JP tended to be more quiet and reserved when part of a bigger group, but here, with people he felt totally comfortable with, he was relaxed and his sense of humor more pronounced.

  When Jude lost a perfectly cooked bite of beef off his skewer, JP stabbed it out of the bubbling broth and ate it himself. That started a mini food war, but Ava laughingly threatened to withhold the chocolate dessert if they didn’t straighten up. Since both Keller men had a sweet tooth, the threat did the trick, although they were very careful to keep their food on the skewers after that.

  The guys insisted on doing all the cleanup after the meal, and since they had each other, Ava and I didn’t protest. We went and sat on the couch in front of the fire, automatically leaning in toward each other until our shoulders touched. She’d been my best friend since we were eight, and we always sat like that.

  “Is it just me or are we in the running to be the two luckiest girls in the world?” she asked dreamily. “Every day I wake up and wonder how I got so blessed to live my life with Jude.”

  “He’s perfect for you,” I agreed. “Who would’ve thought you’d end up here after living your whole life in the big city?”

  “Grandma,” she said with a fond smile. “Grandma guessed. She left me her house because she wanted me here. I think she knew it would bring me good things, even though she didn’t know Jude.”

  “Well, I’m grateful to her, too. My life sure improved after you got here.”

  “Yeah, I guess she got us both back to Hidden Creek, huh? It’s so great to be able to see you all the time, and oh my word, Myla, JP is a different man.” She turned her head toward me. “He’s madly in love with you, you know.”

  I looked over at the kitchen to make sure the guys were busy and couldn’t hear us before I replied. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a different person and madly in love with him, too.”

  “Yeah, you are. It was meant to be, I think. Best friends falling in love with brothers.” Her expression turned thoughtful. “I remember you saying that when you and JP were together before, you struggled with thoughts that it was all too good to be true. I can relate to that, because I felt the same way about Jude for a while. Do you worry about that this time around?”

  I shook my head and laughed. “I think we’ve paid our dues, don’t you? So no, I’m not worried about it this time.”

  ***

  I should have been.

  Chapter 18

  T

  he next week was a good indication of my new normal….or so I thought. I taught three days and spent every evening except for Friday with JP. Friday was a girls’ night, with six of us going out for dinner and a movie. I felt kind of pitiful for missing JP so much even though I was having a really good time with my friends, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I’d spend all day Saturday with him. We were planning to go shopping for more things for his house.

  When my phone rang at seven Saturday morning I answered eagerly, thinking maybe he wanted to get an earlier start or something. Instead he said he had to cancel the outing. Not only that, he was going to be out of town all day Saturday and Sunday.

  I could tell from his voice that he was upset. “What’s wrong? Why do you have to leave town?”

  He didn’t answer right away and I could picture him wiping his hand down his face, something he did when he was stressed.

  “I’ll tell you, Myla, I promise, but I don’t know enough yet.”

  I froze at his cryptic words. “Are—are you okay?”

  “No. I mean, yeah, I’m not sick or anything, I just have to figure out what’s going on with some stuff.” He sounded worried. “I know it’s asking a lot, but just give me a couple days, okay? I want to tell you what’s going on and I will, but I need to find out more myself first.”

  “Okaaaay,” I said slowly. I didn’t want to add to his stress, but I was awfully confused. “Um, are you going alone?”

  “Yeah. It’s not that far.”

  “I could go along,” I offered, but even as I said the words, I knew he’d turn me down. If he wanted me with him he’d have invited me already.

  “Thanks, but I need to go alone this time. I really am sorry about this.”

  I lowered myself gingerly into a chair. My mind would’ve gone straight to thinking the worst—only I had absolutely no idea what the worst was. I had no idea what the best was, either. I was completely in the dark.

  “You can’t tell me anything?” I asked, trying to hide how desperate I felt. I didn’t want to make him feel worse, but he was totally leaving me hanging. Surely he hadn’t expected me to just say, “Hey, no problem, see you when I see you.”

  He cleared his throat. “Just that I got a call from someone I knew a long time ago and I have to meet them to discuss something that could be important….if it’s even true.”

  Important how? I wanted to scream the question, but I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t want to know the answer.

  I felt panic trying to take hold. JP sounded awful. Was this ‘could be important’ thing going to ruin everything right when we’d finally found each other again?

  I heard his heavy sigh. “I’m not trying to be all mysterious, I just don’t want to tell you something that would be upsetting and then find out it’s not even real. You’d worry for nothing.”

  I stated the obvious. “I’m kinda worrying anyway.”

  “I know, but—two days, Myla. Give me two days.”

  My dread grew even stronger but I tried to sound calm. “Can you at least tell me whether this….thing….whatever it is, is going to come between us?”

  He didn’t answer right away. “If it’s true, it’s something we’ll have to work through,” he finally said, his voice tense. “But I have to believe we can get there.”

  I didn’t respond to his ominous words, I couldn’t. My vocal cords felt paralyzed. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and low.

  “Don’t give up on us, Myla. This might be a big bump in the road, but it’s not the end of it, okay?”

  I managed a strangled, “Okay.”

  “Don’t give up,” he repeated. “I’ll be in touch soon, I promise.”

  I could tell he hated doing this to me, and in spite of everything, my nurturing side kicked in. I didn’t want him worrying about my state of mind as he left for wherever he was going.

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “JP?” I said softly.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m not going to run.”

  I heard him drag in a breath and let it out slowly. “Thanks, baby, I needed to hear that.”

  I almost told him I loved him but caught myself. The first time shouldn’t be over the phone. And not under these circumstances. “Be safe,” I said instead.

  “I will. I’ll call you as soon as I get back.”

  ***

  For most of the day, I raged at the latest twist life had thrown me. I couldn’t help but worry that JP was going to be ripped away from me, and I had some major questions for God. Why, why, why? Why let me get my hopes up only to experience heartbreak yet again? I’d finally let my guard down, and it had been so easy and wonderful to rediscover what it was like to freely love JP again. I’d felt so strongly that things were working out the way they were supposed to. And now this. Why?

  I wanted to talk to Ava but I didn’t know if she even kne
w JP was going out of town, and if she didn’t, I’d find myself trying to explain what I didn’t understand myself. On the other hand, there was a chance she actually knew more than me. JP might have confided in Jude. But if she did know what was going on and was at liberty to discuss it with me, she would’ve already called. Which meant either she knew nothing or she couldn’t talk about it. Both scenarios made a phone call pointless.

  So I spent the day at home alone, trying to keep myself occupied with cleaning, rearranging my kitchen cupboards, and watching movies.

  But my mind was never far from JP. Never far from being overcome by thoughts of losing him again. He’d begged me to not give up, but just how big was this bump in the road going to be?

  I came up with many scenarios, all of them bad—and also complete guesses. I had nothing at all to go on and I was making myself crazy. Eventually I managed to rein in my imagination and resign myself to waiting to hear from JP.

  I kept hoping he’d call and at least tell me he’d made it to where he had to go, but I heard nothing. That worried me. I hated to think of him going through whatever it was all alone, but he’d turned down my offer to go along. There wasn’t anything more I could do.

  I went to bed early, seeking the oblivion of sleep. Oh how I wished I could start this day over, without that seven o’clock phone call.

  ***

  I went to church the next day, looking for Ava and Jude as soon as I got there. I was desperate to hear something, anything. Had JP confided in his brother? Would that brother pass along anything he knew to me?

  As it turned out, they weren’t even there. I guess they’d decided to go to Horizons that morning, which they tended to do once a month or so.

  Mom invited me for lunch and I went because I was sick of my own bad company. Spending a few hours with her and Dad would help, and hopefully JP would get home by supper time. I was beyond ready to have my questions answered.

  I stayed at Mom and Dad’s until Mom asked why I was so jittery, and why I hadn’t put a piece in the puzzle for at least fifteen minutes. I told her I was just tired and maybe I should go home and take a nice Sunday afternoon nap.

  She looked at me funny but didn’t ask any more questions.

  I was home by four. I waited and waited and waited some more. He called at eight and I answered on the first ring.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Myla.” Weary. So weary.

  I closed my eyes, my whole body trembling. I was so relieved to hear from him….and so dreading what he was going to say. “It’s good to hear your voice. Are you okay?”

  “Um, yeah. I guess. Or maybe not. I don’t know.” He paused. “Look, I’m gonna need another day or two,” he finally said. “Things are….complicated. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t do this if I thought I had a choice.”

  I closed my eyes, disappointed that he still wasn’t ready to let me in. “You do have a choice, though,” I said. “You’re choosing to leave me hanging, and I’m not sure you realize how awful that’s been for me.”

  “I do, Myla. I do realize it.”

  “But you’re still not going to tell me what’s going on?” I asked sadly. “I’m assuming you know by now.”

  “I know enough, and I want to tell you everything. I do. But it needs to be face-to-face.”

  I swallowed hard. “Face-to-face means I have to wait two more days.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that, but there’s no way I’m telling you over the phone.”

  “So I just sit here for another couple days with my imagination going wild?”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated yet again.

  I wiped a tear, trying to figure out if I should beg and plead for him to reconsider, or suck it up and give him the time he needed.

  Before I could decide, he spoke again. “Unless—are you working tomorrow?”

  “No. Just Tuesday and Thursday so far.”

  “Can you come here?”

  I didn’t ask where “here” was because it didn’t matter. If he wanted me to come to him, I would. “Yes. I can come.”

  He gave me the address, a hotel in a town two hours away. “Get here whenever you can. If you come early, like before ten, I’ll wait for you here in my room. Otherwise call when you’re close and I’ll tell you where to meet me.”

  “I’ll be there before ten,” I promised.

  We said good-bye and I hung up and pressed the phone to my chest, my heart pounding.

  What would tomorrow bring?

  Chapter 19

  T

  he town where JP asked me to meet him, Garnett, was quite a bit larger than Hidden Creek, but it still had some of the small-town feel, with older stores and office buildings mixed in with the new. I followed my GPS to the hotel, which was a Holiday Inn Express at the far end of town. I immediately saw his truck in the parking lot, so I pulled in beside it and sent him a text letting him know I was here.

  JP: Come on up to the second floor. I’ll meet you at the elevator.

  My heart pounded painfully as I waited for the elevator, then rode it the short hop up to the next floor. It stopped, everything still and quiet for a few seconds, then the doors slid open.

  He was there, hands in his pockets, an uncertain expression on this face. Like he wasn’t sure how to greet me—or how I would greet him.

  For me it wasn’t a question. I’d been missing and worrying about him for more than two days. Seeing him was an incredible relief, touching him was mandatory.

  I bolted from the elevator and he barely had time to get his arms up before I was in them, pressed against him and holding on for dear life. I heard him breathe my name, his mouth against my hair.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” I whispered.

  A group of people walked around us to get into the elevator and JP turned, one arm still tight around my shoulders, and led me down the hall. A quick swipe of his keycard and we were in his room. As soon as the door closed his mouth came down on mine, a kiss of welcome—and also desperation.

  It was the desperate part that scared me. Did he think he might still lose me? What in the world was going on?

  I wound my arms around his neck and poured everything I had into the kiss, trying to tell him—show him—how I felt. I wanted him to know I wasn’t going anywhere. No more running away. I was sticking it out. Whatever “it” entailed.

  Ever so gradually I felt him start to relax. The desperation turned to desire and when we finally broke apart we were both smiling. And they were real smiles, because we’d both needed this so much. In fact, I was beginning to think JP should be added to my own personal hierarchy of needs. Right there on the basic level with breathing, food, water, warmth, and rest.

  And that smile. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy JP’s smile? I could stare at his smiling face all day and night and not tire of it. It makes my heart happy and I can’t even begin to express how much I’d missed it the last couple of days.

  “Thank you for coming,” he said. “I’m so sorry about all this.”

  I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his arms, grasping his hands in mine. “How about you tell me what’s going on, then I’ll tell you whether you need to be sorry.” I lifted one of his hands to press against my cheek. “But before that, let me just say that I didn’t know it was possible to miss you so much. Thank you for letting me come.”

  He turned his hand, releasing my fingers so he could cup my cheek. “I should have let you come along in the first place. I was just too thrown to think straight.” His hand fell away and he took a half step back, his eyes dropping to the floor. “I never in my wildest dreams expected to be in this situation,” he said, his voice raspy. “Especially when my world was looking so bright again. Because of you.”

  I felt the fear taking hold but I pushed it back with a silent prayer. “It’s still bright,” I assured him. “Whatever it is, we’ll be okay.”

  The shadows I thought I’d banished were back in his eyes. “You should probably sit down. I’ll tell you
everything, then you can ask whatever questions you have. I promise I won’t keep anything from you.”

  We walked over to the neatly made bed. I sat down on it and scooted up to the headboard, propping myself against the pillows and hugging my knees to my chest. He lowered himself heavily onto the edge of the bed beside me, one big hand curling around my ankle.

  His eyes were bleak when they met mine. “There’s no way to ease into this so I’m just going to put it out there.” His hand tightened around my ankle and a muscle throbbed in his jaw, revealing his tension.

  “Tell me,” I urged. “It’ll be okay.”

  “I hope so.” He blew out a long breath. “I’m pretty sure I have a daughter, Myla,” he said thickly. “She’s three. Her name is Lily. Lily…..Knight.”

  His words hit me like a blow. I was shocked and dismayed, but there was no brain-fog involved—I immediately comprehended the ramifications of what he’d revealed.

  Haley Knight was once again coming between us. The girl who had destroyed us once was now in a position to do it again.

  My emotions were out of control. I felt equal parts devastated and furious. Inwardly I railed against Haley. I’m not proud of it, but in that moment I felt a hatred so strong I knew I would need God’s help in dealing with it. I didn’t have it in me to forgive her.

  Outwardly I stayed calm, keeping the part of me that wanted to scream and rant tamped down. For JP’s sake.

  I waited for him to go on.

  “Haley’s not in the picture, I want to make that clear right off the bat. I have no idea where she even is. Her mother, Adalyn, doesn’t either.”

  That was welcome news and it allowed me to catch my breath again. “How about you start at the beginning,” I suggested.

  He nodded and cleared his throat. “Right. Okay, so Adalyn called me on Saturday morning, just before I called you. She said she needed to talk to me. I knew her from back in high school because our group would hang out at their place every once in a while, but I hadn’t talked to her since.”

  He released my ankle and rubbed his knuckles back and forth along his jaw, his throat bobbing with a hard swallow. “I told her I couldn’t imagine we had any reason to talk, but she insisted we did and begged me to come here to meet with her. We went back and forth about it for a while, until she finally just blurted out that it’s highly likely that I’m the biological father of her granddaughter, whom she adopted at birth.”