My Heart is Home

by Barbara Gee

We quickly arranged the rides back to Adalyn’s. Jude and Ava would wait for me so that JP had room for Lily and the two older women.

  I put my arm around JP as we walked to the elevator. “I’m so sorry you have to do this,” I whispered.

  I heard his heavy sigh. “Yeah, well, I’ve got my little girl. I’m just going to concentrate on that for now. I’ll work my way through everything else later.”

  I rubbed his back. “I’ll help you.”

  We got in the elevator and he smiled at me over Lily’s head. It was a small, tired smile, but it was a smile. “I know you will.”

  ***

  We all waited at Adalyn’s for JP and Lily. His family wanted to spend a little time with Lily before they headed home, just to see for themselves that she really was doing okay. They ended up keeping her occupied while Louise and JP got Adalyn settled in her bed.

  Adalyn had taken the news of Haley’s death hard and she wanted to go straight to bed, where she planned to stay until the next morning. When JP came out he said Louise needed to run home for a couple of hours to get a few things done, then she’d come back prepared to spend the night.

  The others left after an hour, making sure JP knew they were only a phone call away if he needed anything. JP, Lily, and I stayed until Adalyn’s loyal friend returned, then we set out for JP’s house. We picked my car up at the sheriff’s department, and although the drive was a little lonely after that, it gave me a chance to try and wrap my head around everything that had happened.

  Thankfully Lily slept the entire way for JP and was in a good mood when we arrived. I had to marvel at the little girl’s ability to bounce back. She asked a few times who that “mean lady” was who had taken her out of bed and why she’d had to stay with her.

  From what she said, we gathered that Haley had told her she was Adalyn’s friend and was babysitting her because Adalyn was feeling so sick. Lily told us—with no small measure of disgust—that the mean lady hadn’t played any toys with her or read her any books and she didn’t even know who Larry the Cucumber was.

  Thankfully Lily seemed to be much more perturbed than frightened by the whole experience, and I was grateful that Haley had found it in her heart to not threaten and scare her. And to not tell her she was her mother, which would have made for one confused little girl. It was definitely an answer to our prayers.

  Lily was excited to be back at her dad’s. After gulping down a glass of juice she ran to his bedroom to make sure her heart chain was still up.

  “Yay! You still have my hearts in there!”

  “Of course I do, sweet pea. I told you I’m never going to take them down.”

  “Good, cuz My-My and me made ’em for you. Can we build stuff with the logs now?”

  JP looked at me and shook his head in wonder. You’d never guess the child had had anything other than a normal day.

  “Sure we can.” JP went and got the box of Lincoln Logs from her room and they settled down on the floor by the fireplace.

  I went to his bedroom to call my mom to give her another update. I’d already let her know Lily was safe and would come home with us, but she didn’t know about Haley. I filled her in and asked her to pray for Adalyn.

  I could tell Mom felt for her, one mother to another. We talked a few minutes longer, then Mom asked if it would be okay if she and Dad would come over in about an hour, after they’d finished supper. She promised they wouldn’t stay long, they just wanted to see Lily for a bit.

  I checked with JP and he was fine with it, so I told her we’d see them soon. At the mention of supper, I started to feel a little hungry myself. The fridge didn’t hold many options, so I decided on eggs, bacon, and pancakes. That turned out to be a huge hit with Lily. The whole time we ate she kept giggling about having pancakes for supper instead of breakfast.

  My parents showed up as we were cleaning up the kitchen. JP answered the door, and I heard him say, “Woah, David, that’s amazing.”

  “He worked all day to finish it up,” my mom said proudly. “We couldn’t wait to bring it over.”

  I dried my hands, wondering what they’d brought. Lily, feeling a little shy, was on her knees on the sofa, peeking curiously over the back of it.

  The other three were still by the front door. I joined them and peered around JP, gasping in delight when I saw the huge dollhouse. I knew Dad had been building it for a while, but he hadn’t let me see the work in progress. He said he wanted to surprise me and Lily both.

  It was beautiful. Amazing. Every part of it. The exterior was sanded smooth and carefully painted. Each wooden shingle on the roof was perfectly placed, the window cut-outs framed by authentic-looking shutters, and the front door was a perfect replica of Mom and Dad’s own front door.

  I quickly circled around Dad so I could see the interior. “Oh my word,” I breathed.

  He’d had help from Mom on this part, I could tell. The walls were papered, each room a different color and pattern. Tiny chandeliers and light fixtures hung from each ceiling. The kitchen had an island with a stove and a countertop with a sink by the window. There was even a perfectly-scaled stairway leading to the second floor.

  “I have all the people and furniture for it,” Mom said, holding up the box she carried. “We got toddler-appropriate things for now, but if she wants to switch to fancier miniatures in a few years, she can always do that.”

  “This is incredible,” JP said, running his palm along the roof. “She’s going to love it.” He turned toward the living room. “Hey Lily, look what David and Tammy have for you.”

  She ducked her head lower. “What is it?” she asked, her words muffled against the back of the couch.

  Dad carried the dollhouse over beside the pile of Lincoln Logs and set it down.

  “It’s a dollhouse for you, sweetie,” Mom said, looking at Lily longingly. I could tell she wanted nothing more than to give Lily a huge hug, but she didn’t want to come on too strong.

  Lily’s eyes widened as she looked at the beautiful creation. “It’s mine?” she asked disbelievingly.

  “It sure is,” Dad said. “Want to come over and have a look?”

  Lily slid off the couch and padded slowly over to him, almost like she was afraid it would disappear if she wasn’t careful.

  “What do you think of that, Lily?” JP asked, grinning at her reaction.

  “It’s bigger than me!” she announced in awe. She was right, the peak of the roof was almost a foot above the top of her head. “Does the door open?”

  Dad reached down and showed her that it did and a big smile lit her face. When she walked around behind and saw all the rooms she gave a joyful squeal.

  “It’s a real house!”

  Mom knelt down and opened the big shoebox she’d been holding. “Here’s all the stuff to go inside. You have chairs and tables and beds, even a potty!” she teased. “And a whole family of people. Here’s the baby.” She held the cute little baby out and Lily took it reverently.

  “Do ya got a baby bed?” she asked hopefully.

  Mom rummaged through the box and triumphantly came up with a crib. “Here you go, Lily. What room do you think the baby wants to sleep in?”

  Lily pointed to the pink room upstairs, and Mom put the crib there. “Here’s the sister. She has a bed too, but it’s a big-girl bed like you have. Which room for her?”

  All traces of shyness were gone as Lily pressed against Mom and eagerly started rooting through the box to choose the furnishings for her new house. The items Mom had bought were perfectly sized and she’d thought of pretty much everything, right down to plates for the kitchen table. I knew Lily was going to have many years of fun with this dollhouse and I hugged my dad tightly.

  “It’s perfect, Dad, and your timing couldn’t have been better. Thank you so much.”

  He hugged me back, then turned his head away and wiped furtively at his eyes with the back of his hand.

  “We were awful scared today,” he said gruffly. “We needed something to k
eep busy with and this was ready for the finishing touches, so it all worked out.”

  JP joined us and gripped my dad’s shoulder fondly. “Thanks for this, David. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

  “You’re as welcome as you can be, son,” Dad said. “You’ve got a wonderful little girl there, and we’re just thankful she’s okay.”

  Mom played with Lily for another twenty minutes while the rest of us found seats and watched, laughing at Lily’s non-stop narration of the doll family’s activities. Mom eventually got to her feet, planting a kiss on the top of Lily’s head.

  “We’re going to go now, Lily. Thanks for letting me play with you.”

  “You aren’t gonna stay and play more?”

  “Not tonight. We’ll come back another time though, okay?”

  “Lily, can you thank David and Tammy for your beautiful dollhouse?” JP asked. “Maybe you could give them each a hug.”

  Lily willingly turned to my mom and allowed the long hug Mom had wanted since they walked in. Then Lily bounced over to my dad, and although his hug was quicker, it was no less loving.

  Mom hugged me next, and then JP. “We prayed for you all day long,” she told him.

  “Thank you, Tammy. We needed every prayer we could get. I’m just glad it’s over and Lily bounced back the way she did. God was shielding her, there’s no doubt about that.”

  JP and Dad shared a firm handshake. “Thanks for your support and this beautiful gift. You made the end of Lily’s day a lot better than the beginning, that’s for sure.”

  Mom and Dad left, and JP told Lily it was time for bed. She whined and protested like any child with a new toy would do, but eventually dragged herself away from the dollhouse. Luckily JP had given her a bath at Adalyn’s, so all she needed to do was change into pajamas and brush her teeth. JP helped her and I watched, loving the way he was with her.

  As he ran the toothbrush across her little teeth, her mouth opened so wide and trusting, he told her she was going to sleep in his bed with him tonight.

  “In your big big bed?” she asked incredulously, unwittingly spitting toothpaste foam on him.

  He laughed and wiped his face. “Yes, in my big bed.” He looked over his shoulder at me. “You too, Myla. We’re all sleeping in my bed. I want my girls within reach tonight.”

  I smiled my consent and immediately yawned. I’d hoped he was planning on me staying over, but I thought my bed would be his comfy couch. His king-sized bed was better though, and with Lily between us, we’d be safe from temptation but still close enough to take comfort in each other’s presence. It’s what we needed tonight. The three of us snug and safe together.

  Chapter 37

  J

  P took Wednesday off work, wanting to spend one more day with Lily to make sure no haunting memories would crop up. If she seemed to be okay, he planned to have Camilla watch her on Thursday and Friday while he tried to get caught up at the office. Thank goodness he had an understanding boss.

  I stayed with them until after breakfast, then went back to my house to do laundry, go through my mail, and pay some bills. But first I called the school and told them I was ready to get back to subbing. They immediately booked me for both Thursday and Friday. The flu at the school had pretty much run its course, but one of the fourth-grade teachers had two kids home sick and they’d just tested positive for strep throat. She’d called five minutes ago to request the days off, and Principal Correll told me I was an answer to prayer.

  I’d only been home ten minutes when there was a knock on my back door. I smiled, knowing exactly who I’d find there. The very pregnant Hannah wrapped me in a hug, her large bump making it a little awkward but no less heartfelt. She knew the basics of what had happened, but she wanted to hear everything from me, starting at the beginning.

  I made coffee and began with the morning I’d spotted Willard and Bobby turning down our street. I soon found it was therapeutic for me to talk about everything, and the hour we spent together was a good one. Before she left I made her promise to take it easy in the final weeks before the baby came. She admitted she was in full-blown nesting mode but Chase was making sure she didn’t overdo it.

  I got back to my chores, and when I had things in order at home, I headed back to JP’s, stopping for groceries on the way so we wouldn’t need to have pancakes for supper two nights in a row. Not that Lily would have minded.

  Later in the evening, after JP got Lily to bed—her own bed this time—we finally had a chance to talk about the last two days.

  As expected, JP was experiencing a wide range of emotions over Haley’s death. He admitted to feeling a measure of relief, and like me, it made him feel guilty. Even beyond that, however, he was second-guessing the way he’d handled things with her.

  “As soon as I heard she was back in town I went on offense,” he said wearily, rubbing his knuckles along his jaw. “I immediately started plotting how I could keep her out of Lily’s life. There was never a thought of sharing, it was all about how to keep her away.”

  “If there’d been any reason to think she actually wanted Lily and not just Adalyn’s money, you might have reacted differently,” I pointed out gently. “It feels wrong to judge Haley harshly now that she’s gone, but her death doesn’t change why she was here. And it wasn’t for Lily.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I suppose. But maybe if I’d given her a chance to actually meet Lily she would’ve opened her heart to her. I mean, how can you not fall in love with that kid?”

  “She’s irresistible to most people,” I said carefully, “but I’m not sure Haley was in any shape to be able to think about anything beyond her next fix and her mother’s fortune.”

  “It still had to hurt that her mother and I were joining forces against her.”

  We were sitting across from each other at the table and he suddenly seemed much too far away. I got up and walked around to his side, pulling out a chair and turning it to face him. When he turned his own chair I put my hands on his thighs and looked at him earnestly.

  “Okay, two things you have to keep in mind. First, you have to trust your instincts when it comes to protecting your child. It’s understandable that you want to try to find some amount of goodness in Haley—she was Lily’s mother, after all. But in real life, there was no evidence of that goodness. Lily wouldn’t even be here if not for Adalyn. It’s tragic that Haley’s gone and lost the chance to make things right, but her death doesn’t change who she was. It doesn’t magically make her a better person.”

  He looked down and put his hands over mine, silent for a long time. “And number two?” he finally prompted, not sharing his thoughts on number one.

  “Adalyn knew Haley better than anyone, and even she didn’t want her around Lily. That’s why she contacted you in the first place. She chose you, a man who didn’t even know he was a father, over her own daughter. I’m sure she agonized over the decision, but she did what she knew in her heart was right. You have to trust her on that.”

  He remained silent and I slid my hands from under his and put them on the sides of his head, waiting until his eyes met mine.

  “You were the innocent party in this starting way back when Haley tricked you into sleeping with her. In six short weeks you’ve become an amazing, loving, capable father. You weren’t being selfish by trying to keep Haley away from her, you were shielding Lily from her negative influence. You knew what Haley was capable of, and you didn’t want Lily to suffer for it.”

  “It’s not just that, though,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “I believe in hell, Myla. I know people have different ideas of what it’s like, but no one claims it’s a place you want to be. And although I hate all the things Haley did, I also hate that she died unsaved. I keep wondering if there was some way I could have shown her the love and compassion of Jesus. Could I have made a difference if I hadn’t immediately labeled her the enemy?”

  That took me back to my conversation with Ava in the hospital parking lot.
Ava had helped me work through my own feelings, and now I desperately wanted to help JP do the same. I said the words that came to my mind and prayed they were the right ones.

  “Everyone is given the choice, JP. Haley chose the wide path, not the narrow one. That’s not on you.”

  “But maybe I missed my chance. She was different in high school, when we were together. I wasn’t doing so great in my own Christian walk back then, but I was at least going to church, and yet I never once invited her and I’m not sure why. Then I broke up with her and she went back to her old crowd. I should have—” He broke off and shook his head. “I don’t know. I should have handled it differently, somehow.”

  “Maybe, but you were a teenager. If we’re going to start analyzing all the decisions we made in high school, we could both probably come up with a whole list of people we’ve doomed to hell.”

  He frowned and I quickly tried to clarify what I meant. “I’m not making light of your regrets, I just—I don’t believe God gives us that kind of power over the souls of our fellow man, you know? He might choose to use us in His salvation plan, but He doesn’t give us the power to block the gift of grace through our shortcomings or poor decisions. Haley had many chances to change her life over the years. Adalyn made sure she had those chances. But it didn’t happen and that was Haley’s choice, not yours.”

  He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I know. You’re right. I just feel all mixed up. I’ve been angry at her for so long, and now she’s dead—just like that. I still have all this emotion and I don’t know what to do with it now.”

  I rubbed my hands down his shoulders. “Don’t fall victim to the whole hindsight thing. Don’t take what you know now and think you should have seen it coming. We do the best we can, but we don’t have crystal balls.”

  He grunted. “You know what the ironic thing is? If this situation was reversed, I’d be the one telling you exactly what you’re telling me right now. Why is it so much easier to have faith in others than it is in ourselves?”

  “Maybe because we can’t stand to see people we care about beating themselves up.”