Sander’s dorm is the building right next to mine. I walk through the grass, wishing I had brought a hoodie. The night air is starting to get really cold, and it’s then that I realize I’m definitely not in Malibu anymore. Massachusetts probably gets really cold in the winter and I’m not really looking forward to that.
Once I reach the building, I tap on Sander’s window with my finger, not wanting to make too much noise. Sometimes a security guard will patrol the buildings and I don’t want to get caught. Not that I’d be in trouble, but I’d just rather not anybody know I’m out here.
I wait a few seconds, but Sander never comes to the window, so I tap again. This time, I see the curtain move. Sander looks out and sees me standing there. He doesn’t look happy. I watch as he opens the window.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I answer.
“And you thought sneaking out of your dorm to come to mine was a good idea?” he asks.
I shrug my shoulders.
“You should’ve called me,” he says. “I would’ve come and got you.”
“I know,” I say. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he says.
I start to climb in the window and he pulls me through with little to no effort. I am still amazed at how strong he is, though I suppose I shouldn’t be. Sander is some sort of super-secret spy, of course he’s strong.
Once I am inside, he shuts the window and turns on a light. It’s then that I see his bed isn’t made, so, I probably woke him up.
Oops.
It’s the first time I’ve ever been in Sander’s dorm. I’m not surprised to see that he has a senior dorm, which means he has the room to himself. I am surprised to see the amount of computers he has in here. He has a desk with a computer on it that has three large monitors. There is a screen saver on it, so I don’t know what he’s doing on there. But on the desk beside his bed, there is a laptop that is shut. There is a third computer, another laptop, sitting open on the floor by the door.
Geez... he really is a super-secret spy.
“Sit,” Sander says, motioning towards his empty bed.
I do as he says and take a seat on the edge of the bed. It feels weird to be in his room and even weirder to be on his bed. He pulls up a chair in front of me.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I think so,” I say. “I mean, I still kind of can’t believe that Brooks is gone, you know? And I feel so guilty. But I think I’m going to be okay.”
I have to be okay. I have to keep moving forward and I have to keep pushing through all of this.
“You need to talk?” he asks.
I nod, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
Why am I talking about this with Sander of all people?
“Maybe this is a bad idea,” I say, trying to stand up. Sander pulls on my hand to stop me, so I sit back down.
“Phoenix, talk to me,” he says.
“I don’t know if I should,” I say, chewing on the side of my lip. “I wanted to talk to you, but now I feel silly for coming here. I mean, you’re my bodyguard. But also, you’re one of the few people who know the truth about me, so...”
“I’m more than just your bodyguard and you know it,” Sander says. “We’re friends.”
I nod, feeling slightly more confident. “Yeah, you’re my friend.”
“So, don’t feel silly for coming here,” he says. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“Okay,” I say, taking a deep breath. I still feel kind of weird for coming here in the middle of the night to talk to him about this. I’ve been alone with Sander a lot of times, but for some reason, this feels different. Maybe even intimate? Which is silly, because Sander is my bodyguard. I’m literally his job. And he would probably laugh at me if he knew what I was thinking.
“Don’t be so scared,” he says.
“I’m not scared,” I say.
But it’s a lie.
And I can tell by the way he’s raising an eyebrow at me that he doesn’t believe it either.
“Okay, fine. I’m scared,” I say. “I don’t know why.”
“Just spit it out, Phoenix,” he says.
“Okay,” I take another breath. “I think I should break up with Estaine.”
“Okay,” he says.
Okay?
Just okay?
“You’re not breaking up with him for me, right?” Sander asks. “Is that why you’re nervous? You’re not here to proclaim your love for me, right?”
“What? No. Of course not,” I say.
“That’s good,” he says.
“Why is that good?” I ask.
“Because I’d hate to break your heart,” he says.
“As if you could break my heart,” I say.
“I just want to make sure that you know our relationship can never be anything more than it is right now,” he says. “I’m your friend, of course. But I’m also your bodyguard. And I’m older than you.”
“You’re older than me by a year and a few months,” I say, rolling my eyes. “You make it sound like you’re my dad’s age. And I’m not in love with you, so don’t worry.”
“Okay,” he says. “Then continue.”
“I don’t know if I want to continue now,” I say. “Apparently you’re just going to think I’m in love with you no matter what I say. You know... because you’re so irresistible. I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep my hands off you this long.”
I’m being sarcastic now.
“I get your point. You’re repulsed by me. Now get to the point that had you so upset that you decided to wake me up in the middle of the night,” he says.
“I didn’t say I was repulsed by you,” I say. “I mean, you’re not bad to look at. You’re cute, I guess.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” he asks.
“Maybe,” I answer.
“Then stop trying to make me feel better.”
I laugh. “Fine. Sorry.”
“You’re thinking about breaking up with Estaine,” Sander says.
“Yeah,” I say, now getting back to the topic at hand. “I like him, but I was thinking about Brooks. And I don’t want Estaine to die, too.”
“You shouldn’t break up with him because of that,” he says.
“I’m not done,” I say. “I was thinking about breaking up with him. And then I decided that I was going to. But I wasn’t... sad. Not like I thought I would be. My heart didn’t reject the idea. And then I realized, maybe I really do need to break up with him.”
“I’m not really following,” he says.
“You know how I have come to the conclusion that Estaine likes me more than I like him?”
Sander nods.
“Well, I think that maybe I was caught up in the idea of having a boyfriend,” I say. “And I like Estaine, but... not enough. I think I might just like him as a friend. Plus, if I break up with him, it would help keep him safe.”
“You came all this way to tell me that you’re breaking up with your boyfriend?” Sander asks.
I nod.
“I can’t believe I woke up in the middle of the night for this.”
I laugh.
Sander probably had no idea what he was getting into when he took this job.
“Why didn’t you talk to Teagan?” Sander asks.
“Because she was asleep,” I answer.
“So was I,” he says, throwing his arms up.
“Yeah, but I feel like you would have an unbiased opinion,” I say. “And we both know that Teagan has feelings for Estaine. So, I wanted somebody else to talk to. Somebody like you. You know... a guy.”
“Okay,” he says. “Well, from the way it sounds, maybe you should break up with him. Just be one hundred percent certain before you do, because you can never take that back.”
“I know,” I say. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I want to be certain.”
“And how do you feel now?” he asks.
<
br /> “Certain.”
Though it scares me a little, I know that it’s right.
I have to break up with Estaine.
It just sucks because I know it’s going to break his heart.
Sunday, September 17
I was hoping it was a dream.
I wake up on Sunday morning with heaviness in my heart.
I still can’t believe that Brooks is gone.
“I was hoping it was a dream,” Teagan says to me.
Because we are both feeling it.
“Me, too,” I say. “I keep wishing all this was just a dream and that I’d wake up in my own bed in Malibu.”
The heaviness only gets heavier as I realize that today is the day I am going to break up with Estaine.
“It looks like the news of his death is out now,” Teagan says, looking at her phone. “The whole school seems to be talking about it on social media. Things are definitely going to be different now.”
“Do they know it’s my fault?” I ask.
“No,” she answers. “They are just saying it was a car accident.”
Maybe that is for the best—for everybody to think it was an accident.
One day, the men who killed Brooks are going to pay for their actions. They’re going to pay for all the people they’ve killed in the name of what they think is right. And I’m ready for that day to come. I’m ready for them to be caught and for me to be free.
“That’s probably for the best,” I say.
“Probably,” she says, agreeing.
I clear my throat, trying to figure out how to break the news to Teagan that I’m going to break up with Estaine. It could go one of two ways—she could be thrilled. She’s in love with him, so it’s possible she could be happy that he’s going to be ‘on the market’ again. Or she could be very angry, because she knows this is going to break his heart. And I wouldn’t blame her if she was mad. I’m kind of mad at myself.
“I think I’m going to break up with Estaine,” I tell her, deciding not to prolong the news.
“Seriously?”
I nod.
“Why?” she asks.
“A few reasons,” I answer. “The main one being his safety. I don’t want him to be killed because of me.”
“Which is a valid reason, but it’s also a cop out,” she says.
“I also think that I don’t like him as much as he likes me,” I say. “And that’s not fair to him.”
“It’s also not fair to you,” Teagan says. “Because you deserve to truly fall in love with a guy. If you’re not feeling it with Estaine, then you should break up with him.”
“I’m sixteen,” I say. “I’m too young to fall in love.”
“No, you’re not,” she says. “Now is the time you’re supposed to fall madly and deeply in love. Most likely with the wrong guy. You’ll get your heart broken and go off to college a bitter woman who will be a man-eater until you meet the one. It’s how this whole thing works.”
I laugh. “Maybe I want to avoid all that.”
“Or, maybe you have a thing for a certain blue-eyed friends of yours.”
“Oh, my gosh! I thought you were over that,” I say. “We don’t like each other like that.”
“I see the way you look at him,” she says.
The way I look at him?
I really hope that nobody thinks I look at him a certain way, because I don’t. I look at him the way any girl would look at a guy who is literally saving her life. Which could probably be taken the wrong way.
“I don’t like him like that,” I say again.
“Okay,” she says, holding her hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying, if you did like him it would be understandable. The guy is kind of a hottie and he adores you.”
She’s not wrong about him being hot.
Sander Soto is gorgeous. It’s no wonder that over half the girls at the school want to date him. But what they don’t know is that he’s older than us. He’s already graduated high school... or whatever super-secret spy school he went to. And he’s not interested in high school girls. He’s my bodyguard, for crying out loud.
But they don’t know that.
I wish they did, because that would make all of this a whole lot less complicated.
“You didn’t disagree,” she says.
“About what?”
“About Sander being a hottie.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, he’s definitely fun to look at. But that doesn’t mean I want to date him.”
Because, if I’m being honest, Sander would drive me crazy. He’s too sarcastic.
“Keep telling yourself that,” she says, getting out of bed. “I’m going to get ready. We’re all going to go eat brunch at ten.”
“Who is all?” I ask.
“Emma, Bryce, Ian, Jason... and Estaine,” Teagan says.
“Ugh,” I say. “When should I break up with him? Before or after?”
“Before,” she answers. “Just get it over with. I know from experience that it’s not good to procrastinate with these types of things.”
“But I don’t have experience,” I say. “What do I even say? Can’t I just... text him?”
“Would you want to be broken up with via text?”
“Maybe,” I say. “It’d be less awkward.”
“Don’t break up with him in a text message,” she says. “Walk over to his dorm and tell him exactly what you told me. Be firm. Don’t give him any false hope. And if that doesn’t work, just tell him that you’re in love with Sander.”
I throw my pillow at her.
“I’m not in love with Sander.”
She laughs.
But it’s not funny.
I wish people would stop thinking that I have a thing for him. It’s starting to get a little creepy.
Breaking up.
I have never been more nervous in my life. When Sander shows up at the dorm to walk me to Estaine’s dorm, I nearly tell him never mind. But I have to do this. Teagan is right. I can’t break up with him through a text message. He deserves more than that. Plus, he’s going to understand why I’m doing this, right?
“You look like you’re going to puke,” Sander says.
“I might,” I say.
“You’re going to go through with the whole breaking up with Estaine thing, huh?” he asks.
I nod. “Yes. I have to do this.”
“Poor guy,” he says. “You’re going to break his little heart.”
“Sander, you’re not helping,” I say.
“I’m just trying to help prepare you,” he says. “Maybe you should practice your break up lines on me.”
“What do you mean practice? I was just going to tell him that I’m breaking up with him,” I say.
“Oh, my sweet, innocent Phoenix,” he says. “Clearly you’ve never dumped somebody before.”
“Obviously. And clearly you’ve broken many hearts, so maybe you could give me some advice.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve never dumped a girl before,” he says. “I’ve only had one girlfriend before. And she broke up with me.”
“How did she break up with you?”
“Well, she was in Switzerland and I was in... Russia? Or maybe America? I can’t remember,” he says. “Anyway, she sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend kissing. I don’t think she meant to send it to me. But I wasn’t surprised. I kind of hadn’t talked to her in a few weeks, at that point. It was then that I decided I shouldn’t date a girl unless I like her more than my job, which means I will most likely be single forever.”
“Yikes,” I say. “I bet that guy was her friend and he slowly won her affections while she cried over you.”
“Pretty much,” he says.
“Were you heartbroken?”
“No,” he answers. “Actually, I was relieved.”
“Maybe Estaine will feel relieved, too,” I say.
“Phoenix, have you seen the way that boy looks at you?” Sander asks. “Let me assure you, there are a
lot of emotions he will be feeling, but relieved isn’t one of them.”
“Oh,” I say.
We are about to walk into the boys dorm when Sander stops me.
“Pretend I’m Estaine,” he says.
“Okay,” I say.
“Now, break up with me.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay... um... well... I think we should break up.”
Sander shakes his head.
“What?” I ask.
“You need to tell him why. You know, closure and all that.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t want you to die.”
“I’m not afraid to die for you,” Sander says.
I roll my eyes. “Can you be serious?”
“I am,” he says. “You know Estaine would say that.”
“Fine,” I say. “I’m breaking up with you because I think you like me more than I like you and that doesn’t seem very fair to you.”
“Look... just be firm. Don’t give him any false hope. Make sure he knows that this is it,” Sander says.
“You’re making me more nervous,” I say.
“Sorry,” he says.
I walk into the boys’ dormitory. There are a few people sitting in the common area, but the mood is somber. By now, everybody knows what happened to Brooks. And it’s always a shock to hear about somebody you know, somebody your age, dying. It’s weird.
I try not to think about Brooks as I walk. I’ve cried so much over his death already and I feel so much guilt.
When I get to the door, Sander whispers, “Good luck.”
I have a feeling I’m going to need it.
I lift up my hand and knock on his door. His roommate is the one to answer. When he sees me, he quickly leaves the room. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like me or if he just wants to give us privacy. His roommate is hardly ever here. I’m not sure I’ve ever talked to the guy, either.
“Hey,” Estaine says, coming over to the door.
“Hi,” I say.
He looks over at Sander. “You coming in?”
“Nah,” Sander says. “I’m just on bodyguard patrol. I’ll be waiting out here.”
I nod and follow Estaine into his room. I’m suddenly even more frightened than I was before. And part of me wants to change my mind. I don’t want to hurt Estaine. How can I do this? He’s such a good guy. But I have to do it for the same reasons I don’t want to. Estaine deserves a much better girlfriend than me.
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 12