“Are you okay?” he asks. “I wanted to come see you when I heard about Brooks, but I’m still on lockdown.”
“I’m okay,” I say. “I heard about it yesterday morning. Teagan and I kind of cried about it all day. I just... couldn’t bring myself to leave my dorm.”
“I understand,” he says. “I wish I could’ve been there for you. If I hadn’t punched him...”
“Don’t worry about it,” I say.
“How did you hear about it yesterday?” Estaine asks. “His family didn’t release the news until this morning. It’s so horrible... his car accident. I guess he flipped his car. I heard that he died instantly.”
“It wasn’t an accident,” I say. “They are saying it is. But it wasn’t. He was murdered.”
“Because of...”
He doesn’t finish his sentence, but he doesn’t have to.
I nod my head. “Yeah. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” Estaine says.
“No, I know in theory,” I say. “I just can’t seem to tell my brain that. It’s overthinking everything right now. I only slept, like, four hours last night. I just stayed up all night thinking about everything.”
“You should’ve called me,” he says.
I couldn’t call him.
Because he was part of what I was overthinking.
“I went to Sander’s dorm,” I say. “You know he has a senior dorm, which I am extremely jealous of. And he has three computers. At least from what I could see. And you know how I feel about computers.”
He smiles. “Phoenix, you’re doing that thing where you over talk to avoid talking about what you really want to talk about.”
Oh, right.
I do that.
Of course he knows I do that.
“I want to break up,” I say, blurting it out. I know Sander said not to say it like that, but I don’t know what other way I can say it. I just need to rip it off. Like a band aid.
“Why?” he asks, more calm that I imagines.
“Someday, a picture of you with me might get leaked. And I can’t handle it if you died because of me,” I say.
“I’m not worried,” Estaine says.
Okay, he wasn’t supposed to say that.
“If that is why you’re breaking up with me then it’s a stupid reason,” he says. “I know the risk of being with you and I choose to be with you.”
“That’s not the only reason,” I say.
His face falls when I say that. “I think I know why. And I think I’ve known for a long time... even before we really started dating. I guess I was just hoping I’d change your mind. That somehow you would start liking me back the way I like you.”
“I do like you,” I say. “I just don’t like you in the way you deserve to be liked. And I just hope that you don’t hate me after this.”
“How can I hate you for telling me the truth?” he asks.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “I don’t know how I thought this was going to go, but I definitely didn’t think it would go well. And I’m really sorry about... everything.”
He nods. “Maybe you should go for now.”
“Okay,” I say.
I turn without another word and I leave his dorm. Sander doesn’t say anything until we are out of the dorm building.
“So, you’re a single Pringle now?” Sander asks.
“Yes, I am. And no, I’m still not in love with you,” I say.
He laughs. “Good. ’Cause I’d hate to break your heart, Sunshine.”
I stop walking. “Call me Sunshine again and I will break your nose.”
“Noted,” he says. “But you know that all the guys in the school will be asking you out, once they find out.”
“Nah. They all think I’m dating you,” I say. “Besides, why would any of them ask me out?”
“I don’t know,” he answer. “I guess you’re not bad to look at.”
“Not bad to look at,” I repeat, knowing I said something very similar to him last night. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“It’s the best you’re gonna get from me, Sweetheart.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I say. “What is it with you and your pet names today?”
“What can I say? I’m a real ladies’ man,” he says.
And I laugh.
Because even though there is so much going wrong in my life right now, Sander isn’t one of the bad things. In fact, he makes my day so much brighter.
I’m glad he was sent to be my bodyguard.
Not even a little.
I was hoping that since Estaine is confined to his dorm room until Thursday that nobody would know we broke up, but I suppose I should have known better. Even though the school is buzzing with the news of Brooks’ death, they’re also talking about our break up. I’m not sure how it got out, but I’m pretty sure Teagan told Emma, and Emma told Jason, and so on. Now, everybody is staring at our table. Maybe they’re all waiting for me to have an emotional breakdown, but they’re a day late for that one.
“I now know what a zoo animal feels like,” I say, trying hard to ignore the looks from everybody in the cafeteria.
“Ah, but you’re so much cuter than a tiger,” Sander says.
“And I bite harder, too,” I say, glaring at him.
I like the whole playful banter thing that Sander and I have going on. I just hope that nobody takes it the wrong way. I am tired of everybody thinking that I have a thing for him. I don’t. Not even a little.
“So, you’re single now, right?” Bryce asks, looking between Sander and me.
“Yes, I am single,” I say. “Why?”
“Some of the guys on the football team were asking,” he says.
“Oh,” I say. “Well, I’m single, but I don’t really want to change that at the moment. So, maybe spread the news that I’m not... interested.”
“Just tell everybody she’s dating Sander,” Emma says. “I’m sure it’ll eventually be true anyway.”
“Ew,” I say.
“Ew? Am I really that bad?” Sander asks. “You’re breaking my heart.”
“Would you rather I tell you that I’m madly in love with you?” I ask.
He thinks for a moment. “Nah. I like it when you play hard to get.”
I laugh, because I’ve just gotten to the point where I’ve accepted his weirdness.
“You guys have a very strange relationship,” Bryce says.
“And you’re going to be the one to judge what’s normal in a relationship?” Ian asks him, smarting off a bit.
Yeah, I guess he’s still bitter about the fact that Emma and Bryce got back together. I can’t blame him. But his words are true. If you look up dysfunctional relationships on the internet, you’re sure to find the two of them.
“He’s right,” Emma says, shrugging her shoulders.
“So... just how long have you guys known each other?” Teagan asks, looking at Sander and me. “I mean, you don’t really talk a lot about life before here.”
I look at Sander, feeling slightly panicked. How long did we tell them before that we knew each other?
“Since we were toddlers,” Sander says smoothly. “She is my next door neighbor in Malibu. We were in the same school—it’s a small, private school, so we had all the same classes.”
“Huh,” she says.
“Cute,” Emma says. “If you two ever do decide to date, you’ll have such cute stories to tell your grandchildren someday.”
Which makes me smile. Because, if they only knew the truth about Sander and me, they would feel silly for saying what they are.
The truth is, I didn’t move to Malibu until my mom married Stanley. Before that, we lived in Calabasas. My mom and dad bought the house in Calabasas when I was a year old. I don’t think they could handle living in the house where my sister died. After the divorce, my mom kept the house and I was content living there. My mom still owns the house; she has it rented out to one of Stanley’s cousins or something. I should g
o back and visit.
“What is it like to grow up in California? To have the Pacific Ocean out your back door?” Jason asks. “I mean, I grew up with the East River.”
“Me, too,” Emma says. “Well... and The Hamptons. I live for the summer.”
“It’s pretty much always summer in Malibu,” I say. “I mean, while everybody else is sipping pumpkin lattes and talking about how excited they are about cooler weather, it would be ninety in Malibu.”
“I thought the weather was always perfect in LA,” Teagan says.
“Perfect, as in it only rains a couple of times a year,” I say. “No, it’s definitely not perfect. It’s hot. There are parts of California that have nice weather year round, but LA isn’t one of them. Also, the traffic is a nightmare, so I pretty much stayed in Malibu as much as possible. But then again, I’m traumatized from my first and last time driving on the freeway. Charlie always drove me if I needed to go anywhere else.”
I miss Charlie so much that I can hardly stand it.
“Charlie is your stepbrother, right?” Emma asks.
I nod.
I wasn’t supposed to talk about Charlie, but then again, how could I not talk about him? He’s my brother. I pretty much blew that the first week of school.
“Why didn’t he come with you?” Teagan asks.
I look at Sander. I guess that I’m not sure what I need to say. Why didn’t my stepbrother come with me to East Raven?
“It’s not safe for him to be here with me,” I answer, just telling them the truth.
Nobody says anything for a few seconds. And I can’t blame them. They don’t know all of what I am going through, but because of what the dean said, they know that whatever it is, it’s dangerous. And I’m sure they assume I came here under some pretty scary circumstances, which is the truth.
“Why did you come?” Bryce asks Sander, breaking the silence.
“Because, I will do whatever it takes to protect Phoenix,” Sander answer. “Even if it means sacrificing my own life.”
His words are heavy.
Nobody else asks us any questions after that. How could they?
If they thought Sander had a crush on me before, they must think he’s in love with me now.
Monday, September 18
Can’t leave.
School today is weird. Since everybody is under the impression that Brooks died in a car accident, we had an assembly on “safe driving” for the better part of the morning. Classes are canceled for the day, and they have brought in counselors to help everybody deal with their grief.
Part of me is upset about this. Most of the kids in the school didn’t even know Brooks that well. But the other part of me understands it. It’s okay to be upset over the death of somebody you barely knew. It’s like the school just became aware of their mortality. I get it. It still sucks.
Today, they also announced that Brooks Remington’s funeral is tomorrow afternoon, and anybody who wants to attend will be able to leave campus and there are no classes tomorrow. The funeral is in The Hamptons, where Brooks and his family spent the majority of their time.
We got out of the assembly at lunch and we have the rest of the day to do what we want. Naturally, a lot of kids are leaving campus. Some are going to the funeral and some are just going home for the night. I, of course, am staying on campus because this campus is my prison.
“Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?” Teagan asks me, once we get back to our dorm. She’s packing a bag, so I guess that means she will be going to his funeral. It makes sense. She knew him fairly well.
I don’t know how to answer her question. People are probably expecting me to show up—I would be, too. And I’d love to go, but I really can’t. I’m sure there will be terrorists watching the funeral, waiting for me to show up. For the safety of myself and others, it’s simply not possible. I will have to find some other way to say goodbye to Brooks.
But how do I tell Teagan that?
“I can’t leave campus,” I tell her.
“What do you mean you can’t leave campus?” she asks. “You’ve pretty much skipped more school than you’ve attended this year. And you haven’t been here, so I know you’re leaving campus.”
“You know I can’t tell you anymore,” I say.
“But you and Brooks were really close,” she says. “You, of all people, should go to his funeral.”
“I want to go,” I say. “It’s just best for the safety of me and everybody attending the funeral if I don’t go.”
She sighs. “I wish I knew who was after you and what the situation was. I feel like all of our conversations are one sided.”
“And I wish I could tell you. You have no idea how frustrating it is to keep all of this a secret.”
“Estaine knows everything, right?” Teagan asks.
“Yeah. And so does Sander.”
“Have you talked to Estaine since the two of you broke up?” she asks, zipping up her suitcase.
“No,” I answer. “I’m trying to give him time. I figure that after he gets out of dorm arrest we will be forced to talk. I still want to be his friend. We dated less than two weeks, so I’m hoping it won’t be too awkward.”
She sits down on her bed and starts putting on her shoes.
“Yeah, you guys did have a short relationship,” she says. “You didn’t even make it out of the honeymoon phase.”
I roll my eyes. “Teenagers have honeymoon phases in relationships?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Jason is the first boyfriend I’ve ever really had. I’m not exactly a guru when it comes to relationships.”
“Estaine was my first boyfriend,” I say. “Hopefully you and Jason last longer than us.”
“Who knows,” she says. “I like kissing Jason, but I don’t think we are meant to be.”
“Because you have feelings for Estaine?” I ask.
“Well, there is that. But it’s not like I think Estaine and I are meant to be either,” she says. “I don’t want to settle for the wrong guy. Maybe I’ll meet a super-hot guy in college.”
“Maybe,” I say.
She stands up from her bed, slinging her duffle bag over her shoulder. “Well, I am out of here. My family and I are going to the funeral and I need to get going. We’re supposed to have a big family dinner tonight.”
“Be safe,” I tell her.
“Of course,” she says. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later.”
I watch her walk out the door and I sit there for a couple of more seconds. The dorms are awfully quiet today. Not many people are still left on campus, especially not the juniors and seniors. So, I get up and start packing my own bag. Staying in my own dorm sounds boring, so I’m going to go stay at Uncle Matty and Jake’s safe house.
Hope they don’t mind.
You okay?
Sander, Uncle Matty and Jake are all being extra nice to me today. Maybe they can sense that I’m in a bad mood. I’m not technically in a “bad” mood, but I’m also not in a happy mood either.
My heart is heavy as I think about Brooks’ family. I can’t imagine the pain they are going through right now and how horrible they must be feeling.
Brooks has a thirteen year old sister and I can tell by the way he talked about her that he loved her very much. I just can’t imagine what she’s feeling. Her overprotective brother isn’t on Earth anymore to look after her.
“You okay?” Sander asks, taking a seat beside me on the couch.
I shrug, not knowing what to say. Yes, I am okay, because I am alive. My family is alive. But no, I’m not okay, because Brooks is dead, and if it wasn’t for me, he would still be alive.
I also miss Estaine. He’s the one who always cheered me up when something like this was happening. And I’m kind of mad at myself for ever dating him. I hope I didn’t ruin our friendship by dating him, even if it was “less than two weeks.”
Sander surprises me by putting his arm around me and pulling me closer to him. I let hi
m because I could really use a hug right now. But he doesn’t let me go. He just holds me.
“I want to call Charlie,” I tell Sander.
“You know you can’t,” he says, frowning. “I’m sorry. I wish there was a way. If there was, I would do it in a heartbeat for you.”
“I know,” I say, sighing. “I just miss my brother; that’s all.”
“Well, I can’t do it right now, but I might be able to in the future,” he says. “Don’t get your hopes up, but maybe in the next couple of weeks I might be able to set something up.”
“That would be amazing,” I say, now smiling.
“It would be just a one-time thing,” he says.
“I will take what I can get.”
Honestly, I just want to hear Charlie’s voice right now. Or any of my family, for that matter.
“How do you feel about Brooks?” Sander asks.
His question causes my stomach to sink.
“Guilty,” I answer. “And I know you’re going to say that it’s not my fault. And I know that, in theory, but getting my head to understand that is kind of difficult. Especially, when I think about how many people have died because this group is looking for me.”
“I know all about guilt,” Sander says. “When you have a job like mine, you pretty much constantly feel guilty. But you have to realize that life is messy. What is happening to you is horrible. No sixteen year old girl should have to go through it. When I look at you, I see a strong person. You haven’t given up. You keep fighting. I admire that about you.”
His words make me feel better, but just slightly.
“You would do well at the school I went to,” he says. “I’ve seen you fight. The way you train... it’s amazing, especially considering you’ve only been at this about a month.”
“Ah, but weren’t you saying how bad I suck, just a few days ago?”
“I say a lot of things I don’t mean,” Sander says. “But I do mean it when I say that you are strong.”
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 13