It was weird.
Axel was the type to lock eyes on you and just go for it. Invade your space and stand his ground until his point was made and so was yours. I tried to envision him… tall, wide shoulders, thick arms filled in with muscle and tattoos, a scowl on his face as he stared down, with his thick thumbs trying to touch the screen and type a message.
I caught myself smiling.
I could definitely see him pissed off every time the phone corrected a certain word to duck, and hear him growling, saying that he would never mean the word duck or ducking.
My phone buzzed again, but it wasn’t a text message.
This time, it was Axel calling me.
2.
I touched my hair as though he were going to magically appear in front of me. And screw that, even if he was going to appear in front of me, I didn’t need to touch my hair. Or look a certain way.
No. No way.
“Good evening, Axel,” I said.
Good evening?
“Shel,” he said. “Sorry if I’m interrupting anything.”
“I’m very busy here,” I said, looking around my quiet apartment.
“Yeah. Well, then I guess I don’t have much time.”
“Tick-tock, Axel,” I said.
He gave a quick laugh. That deepness shook me to my core.
I swallowed hard and had to catch my breath for a second.
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Is everything okay with Stacy?”
“I hope so,” he said. “You’re not with her?”
“No. She wanted to be left alone.”
“Ah, so you’re off the hook now. Free to explore the world again.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Sitting here, plotting out all my travels. Maybe I’ll start in Paris for a month and then take a train to… Spain…”
“Do they have trains that go from Paris to Spain?”
“I don’t know.” I laughed. “Do you think I’m serious here?”
“I don’t know,” Axel said quickly. “What the hell am I supposed to know about what you do?”
“Of course,” I said. “That’s how this all works now. Sorry.”
“Shel, come on,” he said. “I wanted to give you a call… Stacy stopped by the shop today.”
“Oh? That’s good. Right?”
“Depends,” Axel said. “She mentioned something about getting away for a bit. Taking a vacation to clear her mind.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” I said. “I’m glad she went to you for that. She’ll listen to you more than me.”
“Well, she also said that you haven’t been yourself lately.”
That caught my full attention. I kicked my feet off the couch and started to stand.
“What?”
“That’s what she told me, Shel. I’m not trying to dig into your life or anything. I’m just… I don’t know. I’m here? I mean, if you don’t want to be alone or you need someone to talk to…”
“Wait a second,” I said. “My sister went to you to talk about me?”
“Yeah,” he said.
“I’ll kill her.”
“Nah, don’t do that. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy dealing with Stacy. Even before Den died, it couldn’t have been easy. That guy was a handful. And your sister was so puppy dog in love with him…”
“That has nothing to do with me,” I said. I heard the defensiveness in my voice. “I can’t believe she did that. I did her a favor by calling you. Against my will and want. I had no desire to talk to you, Axel. Or even see you. And my sister does this?”
There was silence for a few seconds.
Axel simply said, “Wow…”
I bit my bottom lip and cringed. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“No, you should have,” Axel said. “You have every right, Shel. I’ve been sitting here at Little Mikey’s for the past couple of hours…”
“Oh, right. Drinking and now calling me. That’s just what I need in my life.”
“Whoa, wait a second, love,” Axel said.
Then there was silence again.
That was the second time he’d slipped up and called me love. That was his thing. That was our thing. That was the name he called me. It started as a little joke, his way of saying he loved me when I wasn’t sure how I felt about him.
“For the record, I haven’t been drinking,” Axel said.
“Yeah right. Who goes to Little Mikey’s and doesn’t drink?”
“The same guy who walked away from a mostly full glass of beer to give you a call and check on you.”
My heart raced and I shut my eyes, demanding that my brain take over and smack my heart into calm submission.
“Look, thanks for calling. Or texting. Whatever. I’m fine. I have no idea why Stacy said anything to you. Maybe she has this dream in mind about us… I don’t know.”
“You know, of everything between us, good and bad, I always know when to call bullshit on you, Shel,” Axel said.
“Meaning what?”
“The other night. You trying to hide that you were smoking. Your eyes always give away the guilt.”
“That means nothing now, Axel. We’re on the phone.”
“I hear it in your voice. You’re full of crap right now. You’re not trying to convince me of anything. You’re trying to convince yourself.”
“So what?”
“You’re just sitting around your apartment alone, aren’t you? Thinking about stuff that doesn’t matter. Trying to find something to distract yourself from… yourself.”
“Axel, what’s your point of calling me?”
“I don’t know. I thought that if Stacy was telling me the truth… I couldn’t let it eat away at me. I needed to check on you.”
“Thanks for that,” I said. “But I think you’re a handful of years too late.”
“Ouch.”
“Ouch? Seriously. You want to do the ouch thing?”
“No,” Axel said. “Why don’t you come down to Little Mikey’s for a drink?”
I laughed. “You must be damn drunk, Axel.”
“Nope. This is me sober.”
“Well, sober you is crazier than drunk you.”
“Come on. It’s a drink. I’ll buy you a beer. We can catch up on things for a minute.”
“Catch up on things. Meaning what? We talk about the dumbest shit possible?”
“Exactly.”
“And where does that lead?”
“I don’t know. Maybe some wings. You’ll get barbecue and I’ll get extra hot. You’ll complain about the smell. Maybe a second drink. We talk. We laugh. Then you go the hell home and sleep.”
I looked around my apartment again.
My heart raced. Way too fast. Faster than I cared to admit.
I shook my head. “No. That’s not going to happen, Axel. I’m sorry.”
“Right. It was worth a shot at least. I’ve got nothing to lose. And if Stacy was telling the truth in any way…”
“Forget about what she said.”
“Done.”
“Liar.”
“Yup.”
I sighed. “Axel…”
“Shelby.”
“You know we’d end up talking about the past. And what’s that going to get us?”
“Closure,” Axel said without hesitation.
“You don’t have closure?”
There was silence.
“I’d better hang up, Shel. You’re right. I’m drunk. I don’t know what I’m saying. I took what Stacy said too much to heart. Forget about it. I hope everything is okay. My phone is always on.”
“Axel, wait a second…”
“Have a good night,” he said.
The call went dead.
I stared at my phone for a few seconds before swallowing hard and dropping back down to the couch.
I reached forward with my phone in my hand and placed it down on the table.
Going to meet Axel for a drink was a bad idea. No m
atter how harmless he thought it would be. No matter what Stacy had tried to tell him. My personal life and my personal business was mine. It wasn’t her job to tell anyone that I wasn’t feeling myself lately. Just like it wasn’t my job to tell her - or anyone - about some doctor appointments I had on the horizon.
That was all my life. My single life.
I didn’t have someone like Axel to lean on when things got tough, or maybe even a little scary. If I needed to cry, I’d grab a pillow and let it all out. I’d give myself a few minutes before stopping, fixing my hair, and getting back to life.
I looked at my phone again.
Would it be the worst thing to have just one drink…
3.
I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I wasn’t expecting you to text or call. I’m sorry that my sister got involved and said stuff she shouldn’t have. You kind of caught me off guard. You know? We haven’t talked in years. So it’s a little strange to just
I quickly highlighted all of the text and deleted it.
In my bed, under the covers, the glow of my phone screen like a nightlight, and I was going to text Axel?
Was I going to try and justify why I didn’t want to have a drink with him? Was I going to try and apologize for something that I didn’t do wrong?
No.
I slid my phone away and rolled to my back and stared at the dark ceiling.
I got the apartment through a friend. It took me a month of sleeping on Stacy’s couch before I finally woke up one morning and sat there with a cup of coffee and realized that enough was enough. That I needed to stand on my own two feet and face the world again. I couldn’t just sit around anymore and wonder what really happened, or how things could have been different. Or if he was out there with someone else, having fun, laughing, not worried about the scars that he could probably cover up with ease. While I was the one carrying everything…
“You have no idea, Axel,” I whispered to the nothing around me.
A stray tear trickled down my cheek as the flood of memories came rushing back to me. There was life before the divorce and there was supposed to be life after it. But in the swirl of time and tragedy, we forgot about each other.
Maybe closure wasn’t the worst thing in the world to have. Years later. The dust and smoke had long since settled. We were two different people living two different lives. The connection was long gone, the only thing left were some memories. Those memories could be easily taken care of with a couple of conversations.
I rolled to my side and reached for my phone.
But then it all came back to me again.
Falling to my knees as I stood in the hallway. My nails scratching at the walls. His bags on the floor just outside the bedroom. The way he came out of the room and saw me, looking down at me, his eyes fierce. My left hand reaching out, shaking, my mouth moving, but there was no sound. The pain was too much to actually talk. The moment I knew it was all over. Shutting my eyes and leaning forward because I didn’t want to see him. My heart told me that I didn’t want to see him ever again. My mind told me that I would need him for the rest of my life. He touched my back and I twisted my body, finally able to scream.
It all happened so fast.
Falling for him. Marrying him. Leaving him.
My heart ached as I made a fist, deciding against touching my phone.
I needed sleep.
Even if I was still heartbroken… and possibly something worse…
Eight
*PRESENT DAY*
AXEL
1.
I did some stupid shit.
I bailed on showing up to St. Skin for a couple of days in exchange for a little solo self-destruction in my apartment. Casually leaving the apartment when I needed to get some fresh booze or a breath of fresh air. Waking up to calls and texts from Tate, Sawyer, and the other guys was a kind gesture of their friendship and brotherhood to me, but I didn’t give a shit.
When I finally decided I’d had my fill, I took a shower, got some fresh clothes, got into my truck and went for a ride. The first stop was my mother’s house. I didn’t actually stop. I just did the slow drive-by. Letting that little sting in my heart hit me. Knowing that she was better off where she was. There was no good reason for me to drive by, other than trying to drum up some fresh pain in my heart.
My second stop - again, not a true stop - was to the apartment I’d shared with Shelby for a long damn time. It was our place. Our home. I carried her through the doorway the night I married her. I took her right to the bedroom…
My truck cruised by slowly as I looked to the super small balcony. That’s where Shelby loved to sit and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the morning. I couldn’t stand the smell of the smoke, or what it could eventually do to her body, but there was just something so ungodly sexy about her sitting there with her bare feet up on the railing, her legs showing, looking beautiful, sipping coffee, and smoking.
Now, that balcony had planters and bright flowers hanging on the railing.
Because time moved on. Nothing was going to wait for me or her. There was nothing to wait for either. It was done and over. Our chance came and went. We got to a point in life where my words weren’t enough. My touch no longer warmed her and comforted her. Her gaze upon me was cold like a winter’s wind. When we walked past each other, we turned to get by without touching, as though we were strangers. There were no longer those moments of me flirting with her and bumping her against the wall and kissing her. The kisses were implied with hello, goodbye, goodnight, good morning… and that was it.
That wasn’t the only stupid shit I decided to do. On my way back home, I drove by St. Skin and saw the building standing and functioning. Although I didn’t expect anything otherwise. The truth was that the shop didn’t need me to survive. The new shop didn’t need me to survive. Tate was probably just pushing the job down my throat to force me into something that looked like a commitment. I didn’t need someone to tell me how to live my life.
I passed by St. Skin pretty quickly with my mind settled on the biggest decision of the day, as it started to become another night.
I could get a bottle of booze and drown myself until the sun peeled my crusted eyelids back and the hammering in my head pounded until noon. Or I could find some other kind of comfort. A few drinks. A few more empty promises. And a few good hours between the sheets to feel alive. I’d still feel like hell the next morning, but I wouldn’t be alone. For at least a few minutes. Then I’d find a way to be escape. Head to the shop, keep myself busy, and call it another day.
The tough part… that was just one day. One night. I had an entire life to live and figure out.
But as far as Shelby went, at least I tried. I reached out. I offered to buy her a beer. Get her to talk to me a little. She didn’t want that. At least not with me. Not that I could blame her.
One thing I wished that she knew - there was more than one heart that got mixed up when things went bad.
2.
She wanted to play pool, and I wasn’t going to say no to that. What started as a few flirty glances from across the bar, was now me standing there with a grin on my face as she tried her best to start a new game. Watching her hit the cue ball and seeing it barely break up the rest of the balls made me shake my head.
“Okay, fine, I suck,” she said.
She stood with a sense of confidence, putting a hand to the pool table, leaning forward just enough to keep flirting with me.
I nodded and walked to get a pool stick.
“Chrissy,” I said, saying her name. “Let me show you how this is done right.”
“Oh, the master’s up to bat.”
“To bat, huh?” I asked. “Wrong sport.”
“Whatever,” Chrissy said with a giggle.
She was tall, but I was taller. She had black hair, dark eyes to match, and her demeanor was one that made me wonder if I was just wasting precious time shooting pool when we could have been doing something much more productive
. Something she was better at versus playing pool.
She came to Little Mikey’s with a couple of friends. They were enjoying the show from their corner of the bar, talking to some guys I didn’t recognize. There was actually a moment or two when I looked around the bar and really didn’t know everyone that was there. I almost felt like a stranger in my own bar. Which was an interesting feeling. But I wasn’t here to worry about my feelings. Tonight was about killing feelings. Tonight was about forgetting feelings. Tonight was about filling the gap in my heart that drinking couldn’t do.
I lined up a shot and broke the collection of balls, sending them scattering across the table. I sank two solids and a stripe.
“That’s how you do it,” I said.
“Don’t you get to keep going?” Chrissy asked.
“Technically, yeah. But you need the practice.”
“Oh, do I now?” she asked, surprised.
“I bet I can stand here for five minutes and you won’t make a single shot,” I said.
“I’m fine with shots, Axel,” she said in a cocky tone.
“I bet you are,” I said. “What’s your poison then?”
“Surprise me,” she said. “I can take anything you can give.”
I laughed.
“Don’t go cheating on me,” I said as I put my pool stick back and made a move toward the bar.
Pecker was waiting for me, hands open and out like he wanted a damn hug or something.
“Give me three,” I said.
“Take it easy or else you won’t be able to drive,” Pecker said.
“They’re not for me,” I said.
Pecker raised an eyebrow.
“Two for her friends down there,” I said with a nod. “One for her.”
“Anything for you?” he asked.
“A cold-”
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I quickly looked down as though I expected to see something else.
“A cold what?” Pecker asked.
I had this sudden urge to look at my phone, so I did. Somewhere, hidden in the wild depths of my consciousness, I had been waiting for days for my phone to go off. And I wasn’t sure if the reason was good or not, but it was right in front of me.
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 6