A text message from Shelby.
I looked over my shoulder and saw Chrissy trying to figure out how to use the pool stick. And there was the dilemma of the night, right? A little mindless fun with a stranger who could help me pretend that nothing was wrong. Or stepping back into something that hadn’t worked out the first time.
I’ve been thinking about that drink you offered…
To me, Shelby had to have already been drunk to send me that kind of text message. There was no way she would have…
“Axel, you okay?” Pecker asked.
I looked up. “Yeah. Just the three shots.” I dug some cash out of my pocket and put it on the bar. “There’s a nice tip for you for a favor.”
“What kind of favor?”
“Whatever needs to be said to her…” I threw my head back in Chrissy’s direction.
“You’re leaving?” he asked.
“Don’t even ask,” I said.
I started to walk away, my fingers twitching at what I could type back to Shelby.
I turned and Pecker still stood there.
“I need another favor,” I said.
“You’re a pain in the ass tonight, Axel,” he said. “Considering you’re the one who has done the most damage to the bar, I’m not so sure my giving of favors is… well, in favor of you.”
“Shelby,” I said and showed him my phone.
Pecker’s face dropped. “Oh. Uh, what do you need?”
I reached into my pocket again. “Charge me whatever you want, Pecker. But I need a six-pack of beer… and better judgement.”
3.
There had been plenty of weird moments in my life. Probably too many to list, and probably even more that I had forgotten. But walking into my ex-wife’s new apartment was definitely up at the top of it. As if it wasn’t crazy enough to see her standing there in a long t-shirt, her hair pulled back, looking casual and relaxed, I stepped into her apartment, showing her the six-pack that Pecker charged me an arm and a leg for, and started to look around. Trying to find out what stuff in the place used to be ours. What stuff was new. Not that any of it mattered. I looked for pictures for some reason. Proof that she had been living a good and happy life.
Not a single picture anywhere that I could see.
I put the six-pack on the kitchen table and saw a pack of cigarettes. I flicked them and they slid easily, the pack half empty.
Shelby hurried to nestle into the corner of the counter. That brought back more than a few memories. She used to stand like that in our old apartment. At the beginning of it all, she would stand there and be the most seductive thing I’d ever seen. I’d walk toward her and pin her against that corner and kiss her. I’d lift her up and sit her on the counter. Hell, I think we spent more time using the counter for our wild romance than cutting food, or whatever a counter was supposed to be used for.
Eventually, that was her spot to stand when we’d argue over the dumbest shit. It was her place to hide a little and her place to feel confident to stand up to me and attack me with her words. It’s where she stood when she was in pain. It’s where she stood when she was already grieving, knowing what was already lost.
The worst thing I did… I stopped walking toward her when she stood like that.
“Hey,” she said in a nervous voice.
“Hey,” I said.
“I hope I wasn’t… or I didn’t… I mean, if you were busy…”
My mind thought about Chrissy. She wasn’t anything and never would be. She was a distraction, and she couldn’t even do that. Which was all for the better. She and her friends could drink the drinks I bought and curse me out, then find someone else.
“Shel, I’m here,” I said. “I got your text and now I’m here.”
“Right,” she said. “This is weird, right?”
“This is very weird,” I said. “But it’s better than me catching you hiding, smoking, or hanging up on you.”
“Yeah,” she said with a quick smile. “About all that…”
“No,” I said. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. That’s not your job. If you want to smoke, you smoke.”
“You hate that though,” she said.
“So what? I can hate anything I want. Doesn’t mean it should matter to you.”
“I don’t even like it,” she said. “It just… it’s an excuse.”
“An excuse for what?” I asked.
“To not think about stuff,” she said.
“So this has to do with what Stacy said,” I said. “I know it’s not my place to ask or bother you. So I won’t. But I’m standing here, Shel. Right in your kitchen. In your apartment.”
“I know,” she said. “With beer.”
“With beer,” I said.
I took two bottles out and twisted off the caps. I stepped toward her and gave her a bottle. There wasn’t much distance between us. There were flashes in my mind of what used to be and what used to happen. There were also flashes of all the bad shit that happened too.
That’s what made me hesitate and inch myself back.
I tilted my bottle forward a little toward Shelby. “Hey. Cheers.”
She gently tapped the neck of her bottle against mine. “Cheers.”
“I’m glad we can do this,” I said. “Just be in the same room and talk. It’s been a long time.”
“A really long time, Axel,” Shelby said. “Want to go and sit down?”
“Yeah, sure.”
She led the way to the living room. She took what I figured was her favorite seat, and I sat down in a chair that felt like it was a mile away.
“How’s the shop?” she asked.
“Busy,” I said. “Tate and Sawyer are opening another one. They sort of want me to run it.”
“Really? That’s great.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to settle right now,” I said.
“Oh…”
“When I settle, things start to weigh on me,” I said. “Settling feels like… I don’t know. Accepting things.”
“Accepting things. Like what?”
I laughed. I winked.
Not going down that road, love. Not yet.
“What are you up to?”
“I work at a gift shop,” Shelby said. “You know that fancy looking building just outside of town? Next to the movie theater that shut down?”
“Yeah. I know the place.”
“That’s where I work,” she said. “The woman who owns the place, Karie, is a sweetheart. It’s not exactly a dream job, but it’s fun. It doesn’t sound glamorous, but I get to enjoy myself. My hours are totally flexible. My days too. She’ll text me or email me with what work needs to be done… I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
I smiled. I loved watching her talk. It had been such a long time since we talked without breaking into an argument. She still did the same stuff like touch her hair or play with her nails. Or completely ramble.
“You’re not rambling,” I said as a gentle lie.
“Sorry,” she said. “Tell me about the new shop.”
“No,” I said. “I haven’t even seen the place yet.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to.”
“You’re stubborn, Axel,” Shelby said. “You think you’re tough, but you’re just silly stubborn.”
“I am who I am, Shel. You know that by now.”
Then there was silence.
The kind of silence you’d expect after getting divorced and not talking for years.
I took a drink of my beer and I looked around the apartment. I started to nod.
“What?” Shelby asked.
“You know, there have been times when I’ve thought about this moment. Being able to be alone with you again. What we would say. How long it would take to just get back into the old routines that killed us. But yet here we are in silence.”
“You can talk about anything, Axel.”
I shook my head
. “No, Shel. You wanted me to come over tonight. And I did. I don’t want to talk about our jobs. I don’t give a shit about the fancy gifts you make for rich people. You don’t give a shit about the tattoos I did this past week. Your sister needed me because she was abandoned by me after we split. I regret that. Not seeing your sister after everything. But I kept my distance. I did what I assumed was right to do. But… why am I here?”
“I don’t know.”
“You sent me a text, Shel. Why?”
“I said I don’t know.”
“Fine. If that’s what we’re going to do, then I’m going to leave.”
“Are you kidding me?”
I stepped forward and put my beer bottle down on the table. “I’m not going to play this game. This isn’t easy for me to be here. If you have no idea why I’m here, then I’m going to leave. So nothing is blurred and nobody is confused.”
I walked with my eyes on the door.
At the last possible second, I felt something touch my hand.
I instantly froze and looked down.
Shelby’s hand was in my hand. She looked up at me with kind and sad eyes. Eyes that were hurting. Eyes that were holding back. Whether she liked it or not, the whole holding back thing was part of the situation that got us to where we were in that moment.
I swallowed hard, moving my gaze to her hand touching mine, then back up to her eyes.
“Please,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Why?”
“Part of me still doesn’t understand everything, Axel. Okay? One day it was… fine. The next day it wasn’t. And that’s not okay with me.”
I nodded. “It’s not okay with me either.”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Anything you want. What’s left to lose now, Shel?”
I played this conversation out in my head before. I played it during lonely nights. I played it during nights when I wasn’t alone. I envisioned this moment where we confessed to each other everything we’d never said. Everything we’d felt, but never let out.
And there I stood, waiting. Like I was some hopeless, romantic fool.
“Shel…,” I whispered. “You can say anything you want.”
She nodded. “I miss everything… but I don’t miss you.”
Nine
*PRESENT DAY*
SHELBY
1.
The words spilled from my mouth with a sense of relief. But it came with guilt. Honesty and guilt were terrible friends and loved to walk hand in hand to see what kind of destruction they could cause.
I miss everything… but I don’t miss you.
Axel slowly pulled his hand away from mine. I expected him to keep walking and leave.
He didn’t do that though.
Instead, he crouched down and put himself at eye level with me as I sat curled up on the couch.
“That’s okay, Shel,” he whispered in a rough, yet soothing voice. “I wouldn’t miss me either. And I miss everything about what we had. The shitty apartment. Finding a way to get by. Doing the craziest shit in the world together.”
“Like getting married on a whim?” I asked with a small smile.
“Yeah. Like getting married on a whim. Oh, your old man was so pissed at me for that.”
“Pissed at you? He didn’t talk to me for a week.”
“That was probably a peaceful week, huh?”
“Stop it,” I said. “He’s been good. He got cleaned up a long time ago. When it became real that he could lose me and Stacy for good, that’s what did it.”
“I know. I’m just messing around. He was a good guy. I think we crushed his dreams though.”
“That’s okay. He sort of crushed a lot of mine in life.”
Axel laughed. “Mind if I sit back down and finish my beer?”
“I would like that, Axel. A lot.”
He nodded and stood up and backtracked to the chair.
I felt even more relief when he sat down.
“It felt good to say that I bet,” he said to me.
“Really good, actually.”
“That’s good. Why else did you text me?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted. “Things with Stacy have always been so crazy. I think I purposely distracted myself with her though. Not that she didn’t come to me all the time.”
“With the Den situation, huh?”
“Yeah. It was pretty bad. He would disappear for days and come back so messed up. I’m talking missing clothes and money. One time he came back and had his head shaved. Tattoos. It’s just…”
“You said he went to rehab though, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Stacy thought she was pregnant.”
Axel stiffened and sat back in the chair. “Oh. Damn.”
“Yeah. She wasn’t though. The stress of it all messed up her… you know.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Axel said.
“The second she mentioned something to Den, he rushed right to rehab. On his own. It was actually maybe the nicest gesture he ever made. Like just the thought of Stacy being pregnant was enough to make him want to get clean.”
“But he couldn’t just get clean for her?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not going to talk about things I don’t know.”
“Right. And how did you feel about it? When Stacy thought she was…”
“It doesn’t matter. It was good to see her and Den happy. Two days into his rehab, she realized she wasn’t pregnant. She wasn’t allowed to talk to him for a little while as part of the treatment. We went up there to visit and talked to a few people to let them know that Stacy wasn’t pregnant. To find a way to break it to Den so it didn’t cause any issues.”
“Let me guess… it caused issues.”
“Actually, it didn’t,” I said. “That was the strange part. It was all very calm. As though it was expected. I don’t know how to really describe it. Den took the news with a smile and that was it. I think maybe he was okay with being a father, but knowing he wasn’t…”
“Was a relief,” Axel said. “One less thing to worry about. Drag him down in life.”
“Yeah,” I said, my heart filling up more than I wanted it to. “Yeah. I think after that, he just went with the motions in rehab. Like he knew the drill. I don’t think for a second he actually wanted to be clean.”
“He should have just left then instead of wasting time.”
I shook my head. “That’s not how it works, Axel.” I touched the side of my head. “His dream in life was to have Stacy and have his addiction. And somehow make it all balance.”
I could see Axel’s lip curling as he gritted his teeth.
He rubbed his jaw. “What a mess.”
“At least it’s over,” I said. “And it sort of has nothing to do with us.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Nothing to do with us? I think your memory is a little fuzzy there, love.”
That word… again…
I knew that there was no stopping that word with Axel. So instead of letting it smash against my heart, I needed to deal with it. I mean, if he and I were going to do this… talk, see each other, or maybe actually figure out everything that happened so we could both move on in life, I would have to deal with that word.
“Yeah, the memory tends to do that. A lot happened at once.”
“You can say that again, Shel,” Axel said.
“Do you ever… I don’t know… ever want to talk about it?”
Axel froze. “You want to talk about us getting divorced? And you only had me bring a six-pack of beer?”
“I’m sure I could wrestle up a bottle of whiskey or vodka,” I said with a grin.
“Yeah, because you and I together… drinking… that always worked in the past, huh?”
I felt my cheeks flush. I bit my lip for a quick second before hurrying to put the bottle to my lips. I needed a drink.
I stared across the living room at Axel.
There was no denying what
we once had, and what once mattered.
But I had to remind myself of something very important.
The man sitting across from me was the man who left my heart broken… and it’s still broken today.
2.
“Come on,” I said as I dropped a deck of cards onto the table. “We have to break this ice. This isn’t us.”
“This isn’t us?” Axel asked. He laughed. “What’s gotten into you tonight, Shel?”
I looked right at him and felt the words slipping from my mind to my tongue. Which was dangerous. Because normally, my heart would get involved and figure out right from wrong.
I have this doctor thing coming up… it’s nothing serious… well, it kind of is. I’ve just been lying to myself and everyone around me about how serious it is. I just don’t want to fight. I don’t want to regret anything in my life anymore. You were the only one I could ever count on when things were…
“Nothing,” I lied so smoothly. “Is it wrong… Axel, you were my best friend in the world before anything else happened. You were the boy who made sure that nobody bullied me. You were the one who would check on me when things were bad at home. There’s a lot that happened between us before we got married.”
“I know that. It’s just a little new to me to lose you for all these years and now we’re sitting here, having a beer, playing cards.”
“Have to start somewhere, right?”
“Okay. Deal them up.”
Axel inched forward and moved from the chair to the floor. His knees popped in a sexy, manly way (no matter how strange it sounded). He kept his left leg bent and balanced his left arm on it, holding the skinny neck of the beer bottle loosely. Looking as cool as he ever did in his life.
I took the cards from the box and felt him staring at me. I needed to say something. And it needed to be good. Really good.
As I shuffled, I looked at him.
“When Den died, the first thing Stacy said was your name,” I said. “Okay? She kept asking for you. And I realized how much you meant to her. And I realized how selfish I had been with her, and with you. It never really hit me that just because things with us… you know… Stacy lost you too. That was unfair. She was in a really dark place and I couldn't help her. I couldn’t help my own sister, Axel. The moment you appeared though, she turned a corner. Because of you.”
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