“I need to hear about the toes first.”
“Okay. Fine. I love your toes.”
“My toes?”
“Yeah.”
“What about my toes? I can’t believe I just asked that.”
“They’re perfect. They’re these tiny little nubs.”
“Nubs?”
“Shel… give me a break here.”
“Oh, what, Mr. Big Tough Tattoo Guy can’t be soft and romantic for a minute?”
“You know what? Fuck it. Your toes are small, perfect, and sexy as hell. Your big toes curl to the inside a little bit. And your pinky toes are so tiny, I have no idea how you even get nail polish on them. I love when you paint your toes and then forget about it and it slowly chips off for like weeks, okay?”
I saw the way Shelby’s cheeks blushed. “So… you checked out other women’s feet?”
I shook my head. “You’re impossible, Shel. But I love it.”
“Keep telling me stuff, Axel.”
“I don’t know what you want to hear. I didn’t date anyone because I wasn’t… I wasn’t done yet. With you. Everything was just ripped apart.”
The flirty and fun conversation ended right there.
We sat in silence for the rest of the ride, which was only a few more minutes.
There was a time after the divorce when everyone thought I’d gone off the deep end. That I went on benders for weeks at a time, drowning in booze and women. Doing anything to stop the pain. Doing anything to cover up the disaster of my marriage and try to stand and look tough and cool.
That was far from the truth.
And Shelby was about to see the truth.
2.
“Um… do you need to get an oil change or something?”
“No,” I said as I slowly drove around the building.
I parked the truck and we both got out. A couple of seconds later, Gonzo appeared from one of the large, open garage bays and opened his arms. Then came the moment he looked at Shelby, realizing that we were next to each other.
“Well, if this isn’t a blast from the past…,” Gonzo said, wiping his dirty hands on a dirty towel.
I still shook his hand.
“Gonzo, you remember Shelby,” I said.
“Of course I do.”
Shelby gave a quick hello. She wasn’t exactly as familiar with Gonzo as I was.
“Everything okay?” he asked. “I mean, you’re here, so that means…”
“I wanted to get the key,” I said.
Shelby looked at me, raising an eyebrow.
“The key,” Gonzo said. “Okay. Give me one minute and I’ll be right back.”
“Thanks, Gonzo,” I said.
He walked away and Shelby touched my arm. “A key? For what?”
“You’ll find out soon enough,” I said.
Soon enough was a couple of minutes later when I slipped the little key into the big lock and opened it.
“I didn’t know this was back here,” Shelby said.
“Yeah, well, Gonzo collects a lot of cars and stuff,” I said. “So he bought it and turned this back lot into a storage area. Other people store their stuff with him.”
“Does he charge for it?”
“Gonzo? Hell no. I can barely get him to take money from me when he does work on my truck.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, he is. After… us… I hung around here a lot. I guess I gravitated toward him because of what happened with his wife. And because of this…”
I opened the heavy door that sounded like rolling thunder.
The storage unit was small, but the perfect size to work on a…
“Motorcycle?” Shelby asked.
“Yeah.”
“You bought a motorcycle? Like, what, a midlife crisis thing?”
I laughed. “No, love. I found this parked around behind the garage. I asked Gonzo about it and he said it was a piece of junk that needed more work than he cared to give it. But, whoever fixed it up would get a nice penny for it. This became my obsession.”
“Wait a second… you worked on this?”
“To be fair, it was more Gonzo than me, but, yeah, I worked on it. It was the ultimate distraction. This frame of a motorcycle and nothing else. It needed everything. And instead of just buying new parts, I looked for them. I worked on them. I… I…”
I had the words but couldn’t speak them.
Shelby slipped her hand into mine. “It’s okay, Axel. You don’t have to say anything else.”
I stood there trying to keep the lump down in my throat.
It had been a long time since I’d come here. A really long time.
There was even a bottle of whiskey on the floor next to the motorcycle, just sitting there, left over from a darker time.
“Does it work?” Shelby asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “We got it started and I even took it out for a ride. It hasn’t been started in a while though. Unless Gonzo messed with it. I don’t even know if it works.”
“Can we try?” Shelby asked.
I looked down at her. “Sure.”
The motorcycle wouldn’t start. No matter what I did, the damn thing wouldn’t kick over. I stood there with Shelby eager to go for a ride, and the fucking motorcycle I built to make me forget everything that had happened with me and her wouldn’t work.
“Axel, it’s fine,” Shelby’s voice echoed in my head.
I was going to a different place. The anger. The pain. The guilt.
I gritted my teeth.
Sweat collected on my forehead.
All I wanted - needed - was for this thing to start. So I could put Shelby on the back of it and hit the open road with her. The feeling was like nothing else in the world. Like you were flying. Like nothing could ever stop you.
“Axel,” her voice yelled.
She yelled my name a few more times before clutching my arm.
“Fuck,” I growled and pushed the motorcycle over.
It hit the gravel ground with a thud.
“Axel, look at me,” Shelby said.
I slowly turned my head and looked at her.
I stood much taller than her, but she was the only one who could cut me down. The only one who could make me feel wanted and needed. The only one I could ever turn to when I needed someone to hold me and make me feel safe.
All that bullshit emotional stuff… it was right there on the surface.
I was insanely in love with my ex-wife.
And I was about to break down and cry in front of her.
3.
“I’ll get it up and running in no time,” Gonzo said. “What’d you do to her? Throw her down?”
I opened my mouth to admit the truth.
Shelby stepped forward. “I dropped the motorcycle. Got too excited.”
“Ah, right. Well, I don’t think there’s any damage. We haven’t started her in how long, Axel?”
“A while,” I said.
“A long while,” Gonzo said. “I’ll take a look over everything. Some fresh gas. Oil change. Check the spark plugs. No big deal. Wasn’t sure what you were going to end up doing with this.”
“I still don’t know,” I said. “Just wanted to show it off to Shelby.”
“Are you impressed?” Gonzo asked her.
“Very,” she said.
Those two were laughing and I just stared at the motorcycle. I remembered all the nights working on it. The bulk of the work we did in the garage because it was easier to have all the tools we needed right there, rather than moving tools back and forth. Sitting there, staring at this piece of shit motorcycle. Convincing myself that if I could get this thing running, I would be able to figure everything out. The hours Gonzo spent working with me. The hours I spent alone, trying to figure shit out on my own.
“Let me walk her down to the garage,” Gonzo said.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “You have enough to do.”
“Nah, this is nothing. Plus, you always talked
about taking her to the coast, right? Maybe you can do that now, Axel. See how things turn out.”
Gonzo gave a friendly nod.
One thing he always told me, was that no matter what happened in my life, Shelby was still alive. He lost his wife. All their arguments and petty fights suddenly felt like wasted time to him. They were chances he could have been holding her, kissing her, making memories. Those were the moments that hurt Gonzo the most. And it was strange, because the way Gonzo talked to me after the divorce was as though he believed that there was always a chance I could find Shelby’s heart again.
“Thank you, Gonzo,” I said.
“I’ll take her down. You lock that back up.”
I locked up the storage shed and turned to find Shelby standing less than a foot away from me, hands at her sides, her eyes ripping right through me.
“What, love?” I asked.
“There’s this thing…”
She quickly stopped talking.
Her eyes filled with tears.
“Hey, hey, hey,” I said. I gently touched her cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
She took a shaky breath. “You’ve been telling me something’s wrong with me. That I’m hiding something. And I hate you for being right sometimes, Axel.”
“So I am right. There’s something hiding behind your eyes.”
“Yeah.”
“Does it have to do with me?”
“Do you have to be greedy right now?”
“I’m just asking, love. Because my mind is in overdrive right now.”
“With what?”
“Us, Shel. A part of me wants to know where you’re at, and if this is bad. If there’s any inkling of doubt or thoughts that I could hurt you again, then I have to get out. Because you don’t deserve a second of pain in your life. Then there’s a bigger part of me that wants to do whatever you need so that this can keep happening. No matter how uncertain it all looks. Because before, we thought we had it figured out, Shel. We thought we knew the ending and that was stupid. So fuck the ending, love. Fuck everything that has to do with it. I want the right now. I want… you, Shel.”
Damn, that felt good to say. So fucking good to say.
Shelby grinned as tears still filled her eyes.
“It has nothing to do with that, Axel,” she said. “But if we’re there… there’s nothing I want more than this right now with you. I know we both don’t know what’s going to happen, and that’s the fun of it. We have a lot to lose between us. I mean, we did before, but now… it’s even more real.”
“Yeah, it is,” I said. “I’m sorry, I’m stealing your moment here. What did you have to tell me?”
“There’s this thing… just something that’s been bothering me. I haven’t talked to Stacy about it. She was so far wrapped up in the Den situation. And then he died… but whatever. I just haven’t…”
She was stammering on her words. Getting nervous. Playing with her fingers. Looking around, trying to avoid eye contact with me.
“Shel, just say it,” I said.
“I have to go to the doctor for something,” she blurted out. “Okay? And it’s got me nervous. I don’t know if it’ll be serious or not, okay?”
“Oh, shit,” I said. I inched closer and touched her arms. “I’m really sorry to hear that. I know it’s not my business, but what…”
Shelby shook her head. “Axel, I don’t want to say anything else.”
“I mean, are you sick? Are you in pain? Jesus, Shel, we’ve been together… I mean, are you okay? What’s…”
Shelby lifted her right hand and put a finger to my lips. “Please. This is why I didn’t want to say anything.”
“I get that,” I said, my lips moving on her finger. “But you can’t leave me hanging here. Not like this.”
Shelby lowered her head and her hand from my face.
I gritted my teeth.
Putting her into a corner wasn’t a good idea. I’d done that many times and it never ended well. Which meant I had to give her time and space with this situation she was facing. I was thinking more about the times we were together. In bed. If something didn’t feel good. If she was sick. Or in pain.
“Shelby…”
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” she said. “Now you’re going to be looking at me, trying to find something wrong.”
“Or you could just tell me. I mean, we are together now, right?”
She placed her hand to my chest. “You’ve made me forget about it, Axel. Which is what I needed you to do.”
“That doesn’t help me much, love.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for taking care of yourself. And guarding yourself. Especially from me. My track record isn’t so hot.”
“But at least you are,” she said with a grin.
I grabbed her waist and pulled her close and kissed her.
It felt so good to just kiss her like that. Whenever I wanted. Wherever I wanted.
Shelby ended the kiss with a sigh. “Fuck, Axel…”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” I whispered.
“The appointment is coming up soon,” she said. “I was going to go alone, but I might ask you to come.”
“You don’t have to ask, love. Just tell me and I’m there.”
“Whatever happens though, I want you to be honest with me.”
“Of course,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I…”
“Axel, just shut up and hear what I’m saying.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket.
Shelby smiled.
“What?”
“Is that your phone ringing or are you happy to see me?”
“There’s a lot I can do with myself, love, but making it vibrate… can’t do that.”
“And to think you were almost perfect.”
I let out a quick laugh. “How the fuck do you mess with me so much, Shel?”
My phone stopped vibrating and started right up again.
“Sounds like someone needs you,” Shelby said.
“Yeah. Too bad I’m with the only person who matters.”
We snuck another kiss together.
My phone vibrated for a third time and I finally growled.
I dug it out of my pocket and saw that it was Tate calling.
I answered the call.
“This had better be fucking good, Tate…”
“Axel… answer your damn phone on the first ring. You have to get to the hospital, man. Kate is having the baby right now.”
Seventeen
*PRESENT DAY*
Shelby
1.
Kate’s having the baby. We have to go.
Two sentences. Eight words. And Axel was on the go. I had no choice but to follow behind, rushing after him, hoping that if he got to his truck before I did, he wouldn’t leave me stranded.
I managed to get into the truck just as he threw it in reverse and slammed down the gas pedal, throwing me forward. I put my hands out to save myself from smashing into the dashboard.
“Axel…”
“I’m sorry, love,” he said. “I’ll drop you off on the way there.”
“What? No.”
Axel looked at me. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s Kate. It’s Sawyer. I mean…”
He sped out of the parking lot and cut the wheel to the right. The wheels screamed as we hit the paved road and started to speed really fast.
“Shel, I need you to hear me out,” he said. “The baby is early, but not by much. A week. That’s no big deal. But Tate said there was a problem.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked.
My heart already started to jump.
“I’m not exactly sure,” Axel said. “She wasn’t feeling good at all. She started to get really dizzy and sick.” He turned his head a little to eye me. “She started to bleed.”
I turned my head and looked out the window. I swallowed hard.
I couldn’t respond.
My mind an
d my heart were thrown together and forced to fight out what each wanted to feel and do about it.
“Shel… I can take you home. I promise I’ll call you the second I know anything.”
“Just drive,” I said.
“I don’t want you to get-”
“I said to fucking drive, Axel,” I snapped. “Just go straight to the fucking hospital. Right now.”
“Okay,” Axel said.
The one word answer led to the no word conversation between us. We took turns stealing glances from one another. Now wasn’t the time or place for anything to have happen or talk about.
I shut my eyes and started to talk to myself.
Please let Kate be okay. Please let that little baby come into this world kicking, screaming, and full of life. Please let that little baby go home and wake Sawyer up every two hours for the next eighteen years.
I had no clue who I was talking to. Reaching for heaven, stepping into hell, stuck in between, forcing myself to just remain still and calm in the sense of reality that wrapped itself around me.
Axel drove really fast.
We burned through roads like hot lava was chasing us. Stop signs were reduced to nothing but rolling stops, Axel looking left to right. A yellow light was treated as though it were green. Green lights were as if they weren’t there. And the two red lights we hit, Axel crept forward, gritting his teeth, finally taking the chance to go through at the risk of accident or getting a ticket.
“Axel,” I managed to say. “Calm down a little. Please don’t go in there and start getting all nervous.”
“Those guys are like brothers to me,” Axel said. “I’m going to do what I have to do to be there for Sawyer. And Kate. I don’t care what that means, or what I have to do.”
We arrived at the hospital a short while later.
The first thing I saw was Tate standing outside with little Jason. Tate paced like a hungry lion, rubbing his jaw, running a hand through his hair.
Axel parked the truck and was on the move, leaving me behind. Which I could appreciate because these guys in St. Skin were family. And for me, approaching the hospital was hard to do. I felt like I was stepping into a world of ghosts and worries.
When I got to the sidewalk, Axel and Tate were close so that they could talk without Jason hearing. I had only briefly met Jason a few times, but considering the circumstances, I crouched and looked at him.
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