“Jason,” I said. “Do you remember my name?”
“No.”
“Shelby.”
“Shelly? Like seashells?”
I laughed. “No. Shelby. With a b. But you can call me Shel. A lot of people do.”
“Okay. Shel.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m nervous.”
“Me too. Hospitals are really big buildings, aren’t they?”
“Yeah. People die here.”
“Oh. Okay. You know, a lot of people come here to get better though. Hospitals are actually really great places.”
“I guess,” Jason shrugged his shoulders. “I wish I had toys.”
“What kind of toys?”
“Dinosaurs,” he said, his eyes going wide. “Mom and Sawyer draw me pictures before bed. And Dad does too. But I wish I had toys. This is boring.”
I turned my head and Axel looked right at me. His motioned toward the hospital and I nodded.
Tate looked at me and pursed his lips tightly.
He was upset.
Axel brushed his fingertips against my shoulder as he stepped by me.
I watched as he then grabbed Tate’s shoulder and shook him. Tate lowered his head, shaking it.
Shit.
“Can we go inside?” Jason asked.
“Yes,” I said.
I stood up and offered Jason my hand.
“No thanks,” he said.
I forced a smile and nodded.
Axel and Tate were already inside.
Something was very… very wrong.
2.
I sat with Jason for what felt like days, scribbling on the blank paper, trying to match the insane talent of Sawyer and Tate when it came to drawing dinosaurs. When that game ran its course, I let Jason watch cartoons on my phone. The entire time, I kept my eyes on Axel and the guys. They were all there. It was a little crazy to see the familiar faces again, and some new ones.
Then came the moment when Sawyer busted through the doors. He looked visibly upset, so I stood up and blocked Jason’s view. I had no idea why Tate brought Jason to the hospital when something like this was happening.
When I saw everyone grab Sawyer to hug him, I touched my chest.
Axel looked back and gave me a thumbs up.
A second later, they all broke into wild cheering, celebrating the birth of Sawyer’s baby.
My knees suddenly felt like goo and I hurried to sit down in a chair next to Jason.
“Are you okay?” Jason asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “Just fine.”
Sawyer shook hands and hugged everyone one by one. Axel was quick to slip away though, running down the hall toward me.
I forced myself to stand, even though I didn’t feel all that great doing so.
Axel touched my arms and sighed. “Healthy baby boy.”
“A boy…”
“They named him Jack.”
“Baby Jack,” I said. I reached for Axel’s arms. “How’s Kate?”
“She’s good. Tired. They had to do an emergency C-section. But everyone is okay. We should be able to see them soon.”
“Oh wow,” I said. “I didn’t know what to think when Sawyer came out and looked upset…”
“I don’t think anyone did. But it’s good. It’s good.”
Axel nodded, but didn’t look confident at all.
I wasn’t going to cry right then. There was no way in hell I was going to use someone’s moment to hurt myself.
Even though it seemed like Axel was doing that exact thing.
We kind of just held each other’s arms, standing there with the smell of the hospital all around. The bright lights, walls, and floors. The random noises and beeps of machines echoing in the hallways.
“Shel…”
I shook my head.
“Hey. You can say something. Anything.”
I opened my mouth. My eyes moved to the right and I saw Tate walking toward us. He moved fast and was quick to knock Axel out of the way. It made me jump back a little.
“Shelby,” he said in a rough voice. Next thing I knew he was hugging me. Squeezing with his bone crunching strength. Lifting me up for a second. “Thank you for taking care of Jason.”
“Of course,” I said as he still hugged me. “I’m glad I was here and could do something.”
“I know this isn’t easy for you. But this means a lot.”
“Okay, that’s enough now,” I said.
I wiggled and Tate broke the hug.
I put some distance between us.
He looked surprised by my reaction.
I really wanted to scream, but with Jason to my right, I didn’t want to scare him.
So I held it in.
Because that’s what I did best sometimes.
I just held it all fucking in.
3.
The room smelled clean. The lights were a little dimmed, which was really welcome after sitting in the harsh, burning lights in the hallways of the hospital.
Axel held my hand tightly. His hand was sweating profusely.
I was nervous too.
There was no need to be nervous.
But the feelings…
“There she is,” Axel said.
“Bro, it’s a boy,” Sawyer said standing next to the hospital bed.
“I meant Kate,” Axel said.
My eyes went to the tiny bundle in Kate’s arms. Wrapped up in a white blanket with pink and blue stripes. A little hat to match. I saw a small right hand with a curled fist. Fresh, pinkish skin.
The emotion climbed up the back of my throat.
Kate looked at me.
She was tired. Worn out.
I took my hand from Axel’s and moved to the hospital bed. I reached out and touched Kate’s messy hair.
“You look beautiful, Kate,” I said.
“I look like hell,” she said.
“No. You did amazing.”
“Beyond amazing,” Sawyer said. “She’s my hero for the rest of my life.”
“Look at that little guy,” Axel said. “How big?”
“Seven-ten,” Sawyer said.
“And you’re feeling okay, Kate?” I asked. “I mean… besides having a baby…”
“Yeah, doctors said I’m good,” she said. “It was just his time. My body was kind of done, I guess.”
Each word was like a tiny cut to my heart. And I had to stand there and take it. I had to stand there and keep a smile on my face. My eyes moved from Kate to baby Jack, then back to Kate. Over and over, putting myself into this cycle where I then began to negotiate with how long we were going to be there. Because it sure as hell felt like the oxygen was being sucked out of the room by the second.
I kept nodding, my only saving grace in that moment.
“It was a little more than that,” Sawyer said. He reached down and gently touched little Jack’s head. “That wasn’t how I thought it was going to be.”
“It’s not a TV show, brother,” Axel said. “Shit happens. Be happy.”
“Oh, more than happy,” Sawyer said. “In love. With both of you…”
Sawyer looked down at Kate.
I glanced to my left at Axel. Our eyes met with a killer sadness. We were now too far apart to reach for each other, and I hated that.
I forced my focus back to Kate and baby Jack.
“Do you need anything, Kate?” I asked. “I mean, besides the hospital stuff, is there anything you need? Clothes? Magazines? Something you forgot at home?”
“I think I’m okay right now,” she said. “I was worried about Jason.”
“Shel took good care of him,” Axel said.
“Tate mentioned that,” Kate said. “Thank you, Shelby.”
“No worries,” I said. “We talked about dinosaurs. A lot.”
Sawyer laughed. “That kid loves dinosaurs.”
“I picked up on that,” I said. I touched Kate’s shoulder. “If you need anything though, please let me know.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Right now I just need rest. This was not how I thought today was going to go. Dealing with pain all morning and… whatever. I’m glad we’re all here and everything is perfect.”
“Beyond perfect,” Sawyer said.
“Well, brother, I’m happy for you,” Axel said. “Can’t believe you have a kid. And basically a stepkid, too. Growing up, Saint.”
“That’s life, Andrew.”
It suddenly felt like everything went wildly quiet.
Andrew…
I hadn’t heard Axel’s real name in years. It was usually a one-way ticket to a punch in the mouth if you called Axel by his real name.
“I’ll let that one slide,” Axel said. “So the little guy doesn’t see his daddy get his jaw twisted up.”
Sawyer laughed.
Axel approached him and they both hugged each other. Hard. It was like they were trying to hurt each other with their hug.
I looked at Kate and she had the same look on her face as me.
Men.
I reached forward and touched the warm bundle of life in Kate’s arms.
So soft. So beautiful.
Life.
“You can hold him,” Kate said. “I mean, if you want to.”
“No, no,” I said. “He’s resting. You’re resting. You two be together. I don’t want him to wake up and get cranky on you. We should probably get going anyway. You look pretty tired.”
Kate gave a weak smile.
She knew the truth.
Everyone in the room knew the truth. Yet we were just all going to play the game of pretend to be normal.
That’s not how I wanted to live my life, but there I was.
“Okay, brother,” Axel said. He swung a hand and slapped Sawyer’s chest. “If you or Kate need anything, you call someone. Don’t be stubborn. Don’t be stupid.”
“Thanks,” Sawyer said.
Axel turned and placed his hands on Kate’s feet. “Well, Kate, I guess that’s it for us, huh?”
“What?” she asked.
“We always had our thing,” Axel said.
Kate laughed. “Yeah, right.”
“What the hell are you doing right now?” Sawyer asked.
“That’s a good question,” I said.
Axel looked at all of us and grinned big. “I’m kidding. Kate, you look amazing. I don’t know how you do it. Raising Jason. Having a beautiful baby boy. And raising Sawyer.”
“I’ve been raising Sawyer for years,” Kate said. “I’m used to it.”
Axel laughed.
“You’re one to talk, Andrew,” I said.
The air was sucked out of the room again.
“Excuse me?” Axel asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I remember meeting Andrew. The awkward boy who didn’t know what to do around me. In fact, who kissed who first?”
“Oh, this is getting good,” Sawyer said.
Axel stared me down and inched closer to me. “I was just trying to save you from the fire, love. But you couldn’t keep your hands away.”
“I guess I was just a little cold,” I said.
Axel shook his head with this smirk on his face that I hadn’t seen in a long time. A slightly pissed off, mostly in love, with a touch of jealousy look.
“You two are perfect together,” Kate said. “I’m so happy that you’re figuring this out. Seriously. I have never seen Axel this happy, ever.”
“Hey there,” Axel said. “Don’t worry about my happiness, Kate.”
“She’s right,” Sawyer said.
“You’ve been back for a cup of coffee, brother,” Axel said.
He was getting irritated.
“It’s the truth,” Kate said. “You two belong together. Please stay together forever.”
“We’ll work on that,” I said and leaned down to kiss Kate’s cheek. Then I whispered to her, “You did amazing.”
“So did you,” Kate whispered back.
Which could mean a number of things.
But I knew exactly what she was talking about.
3.
I stood in the bathroom and felt the steam mist all over me. I’d had the shower running for a good five minutes on full heat as I stood there in nothing but a bra. I looked at myself in the mirror. There was no real reason for me to look at myself. Maybe I was trying to find a way to hurt myself in another way. Trying to find out what curves were too curvy. Or maybe because my belly was super flat like a super skinny model. Or maybe the way my boobs pushed against my bra a little more than they used to do in my early twenties. No matter what I tried to do, it all went back to Axel. His hands had traveled my body during so many phases. And the outcome was always the same. It wasn’t just about getting hard and taking me to bed. It was the way he touched me, kissed me, the look in his eyes.
When the mirror fogged up a little, I wiped my hand across it.
I reached back and unsnapped my bra, letting it fall to my feet. My hands fell to my sides. I stood there again and watched the mirror slowly fog right back up. Looking at the reflection of my own nude body.
There was a numb feeling going through me as I stepped into the shower. The water stung my skin from the heat, but I didn’t react to it. I found the right temperature and just stood there for a minute, letting the water beat on my chest.
Slowly, I stepped forward and let the water begin to hit my hair.
That’s when I was able to finally cry. The water masked my tears. The sound of the water helped to drown out the groans of my cries. There was no way I could help this. I had held back so much for so long. And today…
I heard a scratching metal sound.
I turned my head to see Axel ripping open the shower curtain. Shock rippled through my body and I lost my voice.
He stood there wearing jeans and a gray t-shirt. Water instantly started to splash and spray at him.
There was no way I could hide my puffy eyes from him then.
“Shel… my love…”
I opened my mouth, desperate for words. I needed to think of a quick lie to diffuse this situation.
Except Axel was in complete control. He must have been standing outside the bathroom door listening to me. Knowing what I was doing. Like he had done in the past. Only never before did he burst into the bathroom to check on me.
Axel’s right hand shot out toward me. His big and strong hand gripped my hip tightly. No need to worry about my curves now… Axel fit them in every way… He pulled at me with intense strength, leaving me letting out a yell, forced to step out of the shower. My hands touched his shoulders, my naked body dripping with water.
He leaned forward, pressing his dry shirt to my wet body. He turned off the water and without saying a word, he turned and scooped me up into his arms. I couldn’t remember a time when I felt so vulnerable near him. Naked. Wet. Starting to shiver because the hot water was gone. My heart broken. Hell, everything broken.
“I’m getting you soaked,” I managed to whisper.
“I don’t give a fuck,” Axel said in a deep voice.
He turned and walked me from the bathroom to my bedroom.
I was shaking for so many reasons as he gently placed me down on the bed. There were obvious wet spots on his shirt that clung to his body as he ripped it over his head. My hands gripped the sheets as I shivered everywhere. My skin pricked from the air making my skin cold. Between my legs, I shivered with heat, knowing that Axel could take the hurt away.
He opened his jeans and dropped them, his thickness popping free, pointing forward and tall, ready to take me. When he moved toward the bed, I kicked back. He came at me again and slipped a hand behind my back and lowered down.
“Trying to get away from me, love?” he whispered as his lips came down to mine.
He kissed me once.
“No,” I said. “I… what you saw…”
“Shhh,” he whispered. His nose played with mine. “I know what I fucking saw, Shel. It’s what I should have seen a long time ago.�
��
Axel kissed me again and thrust forward, entering me.
I gasped as we kissed.
The pressure made my core feel as though it were going to explode.
I was instantly done as he took himself to the hilt, nothing to spare between us.
He held there then pumped forward, driving me harder into the bed.
My entire body felt full… my heart… my core…
It was almost too much to take all at once.
Axel broke the kiss and hovered over me. His chest gently pressing against my breasts. His lower half moving back and forth, having me, loving me, showing me that I could still feel something besides pain and regret.
He took me harder and faster, but never took his body from me. He stayed close as he breathed heavier, grunting each time he thrust forward. I felt breathless more often than not, and when I did find my voice, it was simply just moans, groans and whimpers of pleasure as Axel took it all away from me.
We were together. Really together. This was deeper and meant more than any other time I could remember.
My hands touched his back and pulled. I brought my mouth to his neck, tasting his hard skin. My tongue flicking against muscle, feeling him grinding harder inside me. He grunted louder and more often. Taking deep breaths in, holding, exhaling with noise. I groaned louder each time he pounded forward. The force was perfect, deep, making my toes curl tight. I felt the intense swell in my lower stomach, knowing I was going to let go.
“Axel,” I managed to whisper.
“Shel,” he growled.
I kissed his shoulder, hard. I nibbled my way to his neck. The sense of need and a sense of anger went through me as I bit at him all the way to his neck. There I stopped, my teeth against his skin, my eyes open. I felt the rush of tears hit me and I eased away from him.
“I fucking love you,” Axel whispered.
He kissed my ear and worked his way to my lips. We started to kiss hard and wild as he moved faster. I felt him pulsing, bound for explosion in three… two… one…
I cried as we both came. I cried as he kissed me.
When he broke the kiss, he stared at me, watching tears stream down to my cheeks.
He stayed with me, our bodies connected.
He didn’t wipe the tears away though.
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 17