We just lived life together.
And then there was Axel.
The dirty boy who stole my heart. Who loved me from the day he met me. Who I loved from the day I met him.
My hand slowly touched my stomach as a pit of fire and regret kicked up.
I knew the exact dates of it all. The date I took the pregnancy test. The date I lost the baby. The date our baby was supposed to be born. And how old he or she was supposed to be by now. I tried to think about my life as a mom. Worrying about what food was best to eat. Figuring out the right bedtime routine. Whether the apartment would be covered in dinosaurs like with Jason or princesses like Paisley. Or if we’d have a house. Knowing Axel, he would have worked and saved every last penny to find a way to buy a house for us.
And all of it made no sense to why we ended up divorcing each other. Just to try and cut that last piece of memory away of what we lost.
“And you’re done,” Axel said. He leaned back and exhaled a breath. “That was like pulling teeth.”
“Shut up, Axel,” Stacy said. “It hurt.”
“Again, what did you think it was going to feel like?”
“I don’t know. All you guys are covered in tattoos. Doesn’t it hurt for you?”
“It’s a good pain,” Axel said. “The kind you crave. Believe me, you’ll be calling for more.”
“Can I see it?” I asked.
“Have at it,” Axel said.
He rolled his chair away and I took his place.
The tattoo was of a winding road that lead to a crashing wave. The colors looked neat together. Black road with yellow lines and the white and blue wave.
“It’s perfect,” Stacy said. “The road. The water. Freedom. The sense of saying goodbye even.”
“I love it,” I said. “I can’t believe you just got a tattoo from my… Axel.”
“Yeah,” Stacy said. She grinned. “Your Axel.”
My cheeks flushed a little and I quickly turned away.
Axel took care of Stacy and we all walked to the front of the shop again.
“How much?” Stacy asked.
“Never,” Axel said. “Consider it an apology.”
“For what?”
“For all the dumb shit I did… like not being there.”
“Axel…”
“I’m serious, Stac. You’ve been through a lot. This one is on me.”
“Bribing me for my love,” Stacy said.
“Did it work?”
“Yup,” she said with a laugh.
They hugged and then I stood there, not really wanting to leave.
“I have a busy afternoon coming,” Axel said. “I’ll catch up with you later, love?”
“Oh, he still calls her love,” Stacy said and clapped her hands together.
I dug out my keys and threw them at Stacy. “Go and wait in my car. Now.”
Stacy laughed and left the shop.
I faced Axel. “Sorry about her.”
“Nah, don’t be. I miss you.”
“Miss me?”
“Yeah.”
“We were just together…”
“You know what I mean, Shel,” he said. He touched my hair. “I know you wanted to be alone because of the doctor. Just don’t shut me out. No matter what.”
“I’m not shutting you out.”
Axel kissed my cheek. “I miss the way you taste, love. I don’t like sleeping alone. That’s not what I’m meant for.”
I grabbed his shirt and pulled, swallowing hard.
I need you to get used to being alone again… in case something bad happens. Or I can’t be the one you think I am.
“I don’t like sleeping alone either,” I said.
“Good. Then I’ll come over after I’m done here. You’re all mine.”
“No. You’re all mine.”
I broke away from him and blew him a kiss.
It was very rare that something could make Axel stand there in quiet surprise. He looked so mean and menacing, like he was just looking for the next fight. So tall. Covered in tattoos. His eyes borderline evil-looking.
He was the hottest man I’d ever laid my eyes on.
And I left him speechless.
Which was good… because I hoped he would leave me speechless later tonight.
4.
“You’re sure you don’t want me to stay?” Stacy asked.
“You haven’t been to your apartment yet,” I said. “I’m fine here.”
“You sure?”
“Stacy,” I snapped. “I’m fine. Axel is coming over soon anyway.”
“Oh. Are you going to take a shower and get all fancy and cleaned up for him?”
“What? No. I mean… get out of here. Why do you make everything with Axel weird?”
“Sorry. I’m just happy for you both. The way you two look at each other… it’s like… damn…” Stacy fanned herself.
“You know he’s like your brother, right?” I asked.
“Whatever. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you. If you want to hang out, stay. But I’m completely good here. I’m going to relax and wait for Axel to come over.”
“Yeah… come over…”
“Okay, now you’re done.” I pushed at her arm. “Get out for real. You’re starting to gross me out.”
Stacy laughed as I pushed her through the kitchen.
We hugged at the door and when I was alone, the first thing I did was check my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed the call from Deb.
No call yet.
The next thing I did was look for the cigarettes.
Yeah, I know, a weak move, but whatever.
I found the pack in my junk drawer, only it was empty. There was a folded up note inside it.
Written by Stacy.
Sorry. But these are no good. Hate me now. But enjoy your life.
I sighed. “Bitch.”
I threw the empty pack out. I mean, truthfully, I could have gone to a store and gotten another pack. But that would have been the move of someone addicted. Someone who needed their smokes. That wasn’t me. So even though my fingertips were twitching and I kept licking my lips, I busied myself by cleaning up the apartment a little.
My phone buzzed and it was a text from Axel.
Sorry love, but I just had a couple of walk ins. I’m going to be late.
I groaned.
Then I decided to mess with Axel.
Who is this?
He replied right away.
What…?
I laughed and shook my head.
Nothing. I was messing with you. Have fun.
I walked to the living room and sat down on the couch.
Axel replied.
I’m sorry, love. I’ll make it up to you. I promise. I won’t be super long.
My thumbs flirted over the screen, wondering what to write next. Something about sending texts to Axel made me a little giddy. Which was so stupid.
That’s okay. I’ll just be alone on the couch. Hope nobody beats you here…
I bit my lip as I sent it. I wasn’t sure how far I could push him.
My phone buzzed again.
Yeah? You think someone could match me? I’d love to meet him. Shake his hand. Then punch him in the jaw. I’ve done that before for you, Shel…
I laughed.
Oh, I remembered every time Axel did that. There was a time that if a guy even looked at me, Axel was quick to throw a punch. I’m glad he grew out of that stage though. It was sexy as hell back then, but now it would have been annoying.
I’ll miss you, Axel. And I might not be wearing anything when you get here…
My cheeks got warm as I read the message after sending it.
I hurried to send a wink emoji.
Then he replied.
You’d better not be. We have some time to make up for. Clothes just get in the way. I’ll talk to you later. I ducking love you.
I laughed even louder when I saw ducking on the screen.
I ducking
love you too, Axel.
He didn’t reply.
Even through text messages he had a way of calming me down. Making me feel wanted and needed. Making me feel pretty too. Which was weird because he didn’t say that I was pretty. And it was just a handful of typed words. But that’s what he did to me. There was no escaping it.
I had fallen for my ex-husband.
Ohmygod… never say that out loud…
But there it was.
I was in love with my ex-husband.
I was on a road I’d never thought possible.
My phone vibrated in my hands, snapping me out of my trance.
I thought it was Axel texting me back to let me know he didn’t mean ducking. Which I already knew.
The phone kept vibrating. It was a phone call.
It was the doctor.
Twenty
*PRESENT DAY*
Axel
1.
It’s not a good night. Please don’t ask anything. K?
I stared at the message, wondering what to do. Shit like that felt like she was putting me in a corner. People who were in love like we were didn’t send messages like that. She was keeping me at a distance again, meaning something had happened. Now I was left with two choices. Respect her message and stay the hell away, or go and kick down the damn door and lift her up.
I sat there in my truck and felt hurt in my heart.
The only thing that made sense was that the doctor had called her back. She didn’t want me to go with her to the doctor to begin with. That hurt because I wanted to be there. Even if I’d sat in the waiting room of a women’s doctor’s office, I didn’t care. But I stayed away.
And now she got some news and wanted me to stay away again.
It reminded me of before when she would shut down and push me away. When she pushed, I would go. Give her space and time. She would always come out on top of it… except after she lost the baby, she just couldn’t beat it.
And I didn’t help matters by drinking the way I did.
I looked at the back of St. Skin. We were closed up for the night. Tate, Prick, and Maddox were headed to Little Mikey’s for some drinks. Cass and Sawyer were in total Dad mode with their families. I had been invited to go to Little Mikey’s, but I turned it down because my night was supposed to be all wrapped up in Shelby.
Now she didn’t want me to come over.
She wanted to hide from me. She wanted to be there, alone, in her pain or doubt or confusion or whatever the fuck was going on.
A third choice came to me, and that was to call Stacy. Then again, I didn’t even think that Shelby had told Stacy about the doctor. Or any of her women’s issues. Hell, I didn’t even understand what was really going on.
I gritted my teeth, flipping the three options through my head.
Calling Stacy would only cause drama.
A cold beer sounded really fucking good. A shot of whiskey sounded better. Drinking and laughing with Tate, Prick, and Maddox could ease my soul a little. And, hell, if things went right, I could pick a fight, throw a few punches, get arrested, and have Tate find a way to bail my ass out.
That was the way it always went.
The old way of living.
Where the edge flirted with me, but only now did I realize that that was never the edge.
The edge was being with Shelby. She was the only one who could hurt me.
Which meant I was down to one option.
I had to go and see her.
No matter how mad she got at me.
She would never think for a second that I didn’t care or want to take care of her.
When I got to her apartment, I didn’t knock on the door. I pounded on it. In hindsight, I figured I’d probably scared the hell out of her, but I was all pent up and I needed to see her.
She opened the door and the look on her face took my breath away.
She had been crying.
Alone.
“Axel.”
“What the hell is this, Shel?”
“What?”
“Something happened and you push me away already?”
She shook her head. “No. Don’t do this right now.”
I put my hand to the door. “I am going to do this. You pushed me away so many times. And I would go. For you. For your sake. Because you said to. I went away so many times it became normal. And then I eventually didn’t even realize I was hurting you by going away. I’m not doing that again.”
“So it’s all my fault,” she said.
“What?”
“You just said it. It’s my fault. I made you leave. I made you do all that stuff. I mean, it was my body that lost our baby.”
“Shel, no. I didn’t say that. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m here. I’m not leaving you. I don’t want you to text me and say not to come over. I want you to call me and say you need me.”
We stood in silence for a few seconds.
Tears slowly filled her eyes.
She backed up and shrugged her shoulders.
“Fine,” she said, her voice breaking up. “I need you.”
2.
I stepped into the apartment and put my arms around her, pulling her close, letting her lose herself. It was wrong to feel good about her crying, but she was finally doing it in front of me. For years, I was her guy. Her man. She could stub her toe on the corner of a table and I was the one she looked for to cry about it to. And all of that came to a sudden halt when she lost the baby. After that, she went internal. She sucked everything in and let it sit there and simmer. And it never went away.
My arms were wrapped tightly around her, my right hand across her back, my left hand digging into her hair.
I hated when she was in pain though. It took me back to times when things weren’t easy for us. When my mother had herself in serious financial trouble and we weren’t sure where the next meal was coming from. When it became my job to go from boy to man overnight to make sure that my sister was fed and the house had heat. When I’d finally get that chance to see Shelby and she was crying because her father drank too much and never came home. I was the only person she’d ever confessed to that her father loved Stacy more. Because Stacy was his birth daughter and Shelby was just his stepdaughter.
I’d held her through everything in life.
Except maybe the most important thing.
She pushed. I ran.
I kissed the top of her head. “I’m here, Shel. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her hands gripped the back of my shirt tighter. I felt the anger swelling throughout her body. I had the urge to ask what had happened, but I knew to give her time. She would tell me when she was ready.
She finally eased away from me, bringing her hands around my body and spreading them wide across my chest. She stared up at me with a look that confused me for a second. Without hesitation, she made another move, her hands touching my face. Her nails then curled as she popped herself up on her toes.
“Shel…”
She jumped, scratching me, pulling me at her.
Our mouths collided as I grabbed her to keep her from falling back. Her legs straddled me tightly and her hips instantly started to buck against me. I groaned at the feeling of her digging at me as she kissed me wildly.
I kissed her back because it was my instinctive thing to do.
But I had to break the kiss.
I carefully did so, to not offend her.
“Shel, what are you doing?” I whispered.
“Giving you at least something,” she said. “Just take it.”
She kissed me again.
“Shel,” I said as her tongue flirted with my lips.
“No, Axel. No.”
We kissed again.
Faster. Harder.
I turned and walked her through the kitchen. I walked her to the counter. My hands clutching her ass tightly, my fingers kneading at her. I was starting to lose control and was one breath away from just giving in to what Shelby wanted. But I knew that there was more
to this. This wasn’t her just wanting me. This was her wanting to cover up the truth and wanting to distract me from it.
I put her on the counter, in the corner, my hands touching her hips. She was still rocking, the movement poised and deadly, like the stealth of a snake on the attack. I was her prey, and I was more than willing to accept that fate.
As I broke the kiss, Shelby chased me down, leaning forward, trying to bite at my bottom lip.
I gritted my teeth and held her hips tightly.
I needed a second to catch my breath.
“Axel… please…”
“You’re crying, love,” I said. “Something bad happened. I need to know.”
“Fine. The doctor called.”
“Okay. What happened?”
Her chin quivered. “I didn’t tell you everything.”
I swallowed the lump of anger and worry. “Meaning what?”
“At my first appointment,” Shelby said, “they checked me out and they had to do a test. To check for cancer.”
“What?” I asked. “Shit…”
“Axel, wait,” she said. She put her hands to my wrists and pushed me away. “Just let me talk.”
“Right. Fine.”
I backed away from the counter.
I licked my lips, tasting her.
“The doctor called to tell me that what they found wasn’t all that serious.”
“What does that mean? Wasn’t all that serious?”
“Meaning I have to get checked again,” she said. “Six months from now. Okay?”
“Okay. That’s good news.”
“Great news,” Shelby said. “Okay?”
I stared at her.
She slid off the counter and moved toward me again. She took my wrists and lifted them, wanting me to touch her. My hands crested the swell of her breasts as she sighed, putting her head back just enough to drive me insane.
I kissed her again, this time me being in control.
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 20