“That’s actually the smartest thing anyone has said to me in a while,” I said. “I think with me and Axel, it’s just been about moving fast to survive.”
“I understand. We all come from a past. But our past can’t keep running the future.”
I looked at baby Jack in his swing, still fast asleep. This tiny little bundle of life. His clothes barely fit him still. His little hat swam on his head. His perfect lips were pressed together as he slept. His tiny button like nose. He looked like a doll.
“You keep looking,” Kate said. “Want to talk about it?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t even know what to say at this point.”
“Just know I’m here,” she said. “If what I just said offended you, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “No. You didn’t offend me.”
“Okay. I sort of have no filter right now. Mom brain thing.”
“Kate, when have you ever had a filter?” I asked.
She grinned. “Good point.”
Right on cue, baby Jack started to stir. He let out a weak sounding but powerful cry. His little hands started to flail as his eyes were still shut and he cried.
“Why don’t you get him?” Kate asked.
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yeah. He’s hungry. So bring him into the living room for me. I’ll meet you there.”
My heart raced as I walked toward the swing. I turned it off and it stopped. I bent down and unhooked baby Jack. My hands gently slipped under his tiny body and I lifted him. He was so light, yet it made me so nervous.
I stood up and cradled him in my arms.
His eyes opened, a beautiful blue color, and he looked confused as he looked up at me.
“I know,” I whispered. “You don’t know me yet. But you will. Are you hungry, baby Jack?”
I had the total baby-slash-Mom voice thing going on.
My entire body ached in a way that was too hard to ever explain. But I couldn’t let it win. What was happening to me wasn’t anyone’s fault.
I slowly walked Jack into the living room.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He rested in my arms in silence, just staring at me.
“Kate, he’s beautiful,” I said.
“Thanks.”
“No, I’m serious. How did this come from Sawyer?”
“I ask that myself,” she said. “But he looks too much like Sawyer. A mini Saint.”
“Oh, let’s hope he’s nothing like Saint.”
I handed baby Jack to his mother. I stayed there and watched as Kate brought him to her chest and was amazed as baby Jack latched onto her with ease.
I smiled, even though my heart ached a little.
“I’d better get going,” I whispered. “I have some running around to do.”
“Okay,” Kate said. “Thanks for the company.”
“Thanks for the coffee. And the talk.”
“Anytime. You know where to find me.”
I touched Kate’s arm and stood up.
As I left, I did so with a full heart and a heavy heart at the same time.
I had so much good in my life at that moment.
And that was the moment I made a decision on my own and for myself.
The decision though… it could cost me Axel.
2.
I sat on a kitchen chair with my window wide open, blowing smoke rings out of it. I never really understood why I did this. Why I was so picky about smoking in my apartment. It was my goddamn apartment. I paid the rent. I was allowed to do what I wanted. I thought about when I was chasing Stacy around with an air freshener when she was smoking after Den died. Another perk of her road trip was that she decided to not smoke or drink anymore. Which I respected.
I took another drag of the cigarette and felt guilty relief.
This was not the smartest decision to make. Not for myself, or my body, or anything.
But it was something that just felt good for the moment.
My heart and mind raced as the clouds seemed to clear a little.
My bedroom door opened and I was surprised to see Axel.
“Hey,” I said, my cheeks burning red as though I were a teenager and just got caught smoking.
“Hey,” he said. “What are you doing in here?”
“Being bad.”
“I see that.”
“Do you care?”
“That’s not my place to say, Shel,” he said. He stepped into the room and sat down on my bed. “Should I care?”
“This is stupid to do,” I said. I took another drag.
“Yeah. But it’s something that’s comfortable for you right now.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Look, it’s been hectic around here,” he said. “I have something I want to show you. I want to talk about.”
“So do I,” I said.
Axel rubbed his jaw. “The night I came over and you told me everything… I was glad I was here.”
“Me too.”
“I wish you would have called me though, Shel. I wish you would rely on me more. I’m here. I’m your wall. I’m your rock. I’m your whatever cliché you can think of.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“I can’t imagine you sitting alone in pain. Not when we’re together. I can chase you around the world, but I want you to come to me.”
“Axel, I know. Sometimes it’s not that easy for me.”
“Look at right now,” he said. “You’re sitting here in a chair, smoking. Hiding it. Who are you hiding from?”
“You. I didn’t want you to get mad.”
“Why would I get mad? I understand.”
I swallowed hard. I looked at the cigarette. I smushed it against the windowsill and flicked it out the window.
“I don’t even like it,” I said. “It’s disgusting.”
“I can ask why you do it then, but I don’t think that matters.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “You said you had something to talk to me about?”
“I do. I love you. With every piece of my heart. The good, the bad, the everything we have together. We’ve been through so much together. I’m not sure how we got in and out of the messes we did, but here we are. I mean, someday, we’re going to be able to sit there and talk about getting divorced and getting back together.”
“Is that really a bragging point in our relationship?” I asked.
“Maybe. It’s just us, right? That’s something that would happen to us. But we made it through it. And we’ll make it through everything that happens.”
“That’s our theme it seems,” I said.
“Well, that’s why I’m here,” Axel said. “The night I came over and we talked, I watched you fall asleep. I watched you sleep. I thought about everything. From the second I met you until that moment. I remember every second of talking about having a family. Whether it was the right time or wrong time doesn’t matter. This time matters, Shel.”
Axel stood up. I had this vision of him dropping to one knee to ask me to marry him again. It made me shiver with excitement. And it scared the hell out of me.
Only Axel didn’t propose to me.
He took an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it to me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Open it.”
I hated surprises. Axel knew that too.
I slid my finger in to open the envelope and inside there was a folded up piece of paper. A check. When I saw the amount, I quickly looked up at him.
“Axel…”
“I sold the motorcycle,” he said.
I stood up. “You did what?”
“The motorcycle. I called Gonzo that night and told him to sell it.”
“Why… you built that…”
Axel approached me and cupped my face in his hands. “That was my distraction from losing you. It kept me sane. Now I have you. I don’t need it anymore.”
“I don’t know what to say right now,” I said. “I’m not taking this money. I mean, is this�
�� for a house or something?”
“No, love. Not for a house. For something else.”
“For what?”
Axel grinned. “So we can have a baby. That should be enough for any treatments you would need. We can find the best place in the area and get a plan together. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have everything you want in life.”
My body went numb. I stepped back and covered my mouth.
I glanced down at the check and then back at Axel.
He sold his motorcycle to give me the money. So I could get fertility treatments done. Because he knows how much it hurt when I lost our baby. Because he knows deep down inside my heart, this is what I’ve always wanted.
I thought about holding little Jack. Staring into his eyes. At the same time, I thought about handing him off to Kate because I was just a friend. I wasn’t his mother.
“I’m sorry to just spring this on you,” Axel said. “But watching you sleep… thinking about everything you said… it just made sense. I’m not looking to fix anything, Shel. We will always remember what we lost. But we have a chance to build our future now.”
My hands shook and I licked my lips. “You did this for me?”
“I did it for you, love. For us. I don’t like being told no. I don’t like you being hurt by someone telling you no. So now we can have our yes together.”
I folded the check up and tucked it back into the envelope.
“Axel, I can’t take this,” I whispered.
“This is happening. This is what we want and here’s a way to get it. I never wanted that motorcycle anyway. I was building it to keep myself busy and let my heart heal. And look what it got us now. This is-”
“Axel, stop,” I yelled. “Just stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Talking. Trying to fix me. Stop everything.”
I looked up at him. This gigantic hunk of a man. Baring his heart to me.
I stepped forward and slapped the envelope to his chest.
“Shelby…”
“You don’t get it,” I said.
“Get what? Tell me what I don’t get.”
That’s when I knew I was going to break his heart. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I looked him in the eyes, trying to be strong and honest.
“Axel… I don’t want to have any kids.”
3.
I’d practiced the line in my head a hundred times that day before Axel showed up. It was the reason why I was smoking in the bedroom when he came in. And it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. My plan had been to talk to him about everything I was thinking and feeling and guide myself toward it.
But when he handed me a check…
“What the hell are you talking about, Shel?” Axel asked as he chased me down to the kitchen.
I found myself in the corner of the counter, my usual spot when I was nervous, mad, or ready to argue with Axel.
“You heard what I said,” I said.
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes I do. Don’t tell me what I mean, Axel.”
“Whoa, calm down, Shel.”
“I’m not calming down anymore. For anyone.”
My blood ran extra hot as Axel showed his hands in some kind of defeat.
That only pissed me off even more.
“I thought I was…”
“No,” I said. “I don’t want that. I don’t want any of it. Okay? This isn’t meant for me. I’m not going to force it to happen.”
“It’s not forcing it.”
“Yes it is,” I said. “And nothing is promised. I can do all this stuff to myself and my body and nothing could happen. This is my decision, not yours. You don’t get to make it for me.”
“I wasn’t making it for you, love.”
“Stop calling me that for a second,” I yelled. “Look at this. Look at us. Everything that’s happened. Maybe I’m not meant for you, Axel. My body is telling you that. The first thing you did when I said I can’t have kids is go and sell some shit to get money to make me have kids.”
“Holy shit, Shelby,” Axel said. “That’s not what happened at all.” He stepped toward me. “I saw you upset. I saw you vulnerable. I have an option here. It’s an option, Shel. Not a demand. I don’t care what happens with that money. Let’s buy a house. Let’s go on a vacation.”
“No,” I yelled. “I don’t know what the fuck I want right now, Axel. Okay? You came storming back into my life and…”
“And what?” he asked.
“And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that,” I said. I swallowed hard. “The past is always there between us. We were married. We got divorced. And now what? We’re going to stand here and try to laugh it off. Pretend that it’s just Shelby and Axel… I can’t do that.”
Axel rubbed his jaw and gritted his teeth. “So a piece of paper is going to fuck with your head?”
“It’s more than that,” I said. “It’s everything, Axel. You’re trying to step back into old shoes. And guess what? They don’t fit anymore.”
“Old shoes?” he asked, his eyes going wide. “I haven’t done a thing to push at you, Shel. You live here. I have my own place. We’ve been taking it slowly.”
“You showed up… I never told you to…”
Axel touched my arm. “You got a life changing call from your doctor. And I’m supposed to just stay away?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
I tried to move, but Axel held me in place. “No. This is what happened last time.”
“What’s that?”
“This. You getting pissed at me for being there for you. Pushing me away. And then if I walk away, it gets thrown in my face later.”
Those words hurt. Even if they were true.
“Here’s something for you then. I’m telling you right now to leave. I don’t want you here right now, Axel.”
“I’m not leaving,” he said.
Stubborn. Defiant. His eyes madly in love with me.
“You deserve someone who is right for you,” I said. “Not me. I’m obviously broken. There is nothing here for you anymore, Axel. We had our thing. And what was done… was done right.”
“Done as in divorce?”
“Yes.”
“So you don’t regret getting divorced from me?”
“I don’t know anymore,” I said. “You have a check that you want to use to start a family. I don’t want that.”
“But before…”
“Fuck the past,” I said, my voice finally cracking with emotion. “I’m talking right now. I don’t want it. And you’re not going to convince me otherwise.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said. “I thought that this was what you wanted.”
“You thought wrong.”
“And just like that, you want me to go? You want me to just leave?”
“That’s what I said.”
“I only want you happy, Shel. We can buy a house together. Have a great life together.”
“Axel, stop it,” I said. “I’m in pain. Everywhere. And you’re still talking about this stuff.”
“Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted with you. Growing up in that fucking shit of a neighborhood with my family that never functioned right. The only time I felt okay was because of you. You’re the reason I started drawing pictures, Shel. I wanted to impress you. So everything I have is because of you.”
I tried to hold back the tears. I covered my mouth as my eyes filled to the brim.
“It’s that fucking simple to me,” Axel said. “I’ve always known what I wanted. That’s you. Everything else is noise.”
“And I want you too, Axel,” I said. “But there’s so much more.”
“Like what? Huh? If I have you, I have everything.”
“You say that now,” I said. “But time changes everything and everyone.”
“So fear time? That’s what you want to do?”
“You don’t know what I’m going through then,” I said. “And you sho
w up with a check to fix it all. It doesn’t fix anything.”
“I never tried to fix anything,” Axel said. “Why can’t you see that? I was trying to make you happy. Give you what you want.”
“I can’t do this, Axel. I’m sorry. Please don’t follow me right now.”
I shook his hold away from my shoulder and hurried back to the bedroom. I shut the door and waited for him to come and chase me down. Only I heard another door open and shut. That’s when I knew he was gone.
I lowered my head and cried.
Everything was broken again and almost for the same reason.
Axel loved me and would do anything for me, yet I couldn’t do everything for him.
I touched my stomach and the memories washed over me like a tidal wave. And I was drowning.
I collapsed to the floor and buried my hands in my face.
Losing Axel the first time was hard.
But this time… I had to lie to myself and say it was for the better.
Twenty-Two
*PRESENT DAY*
Axel
1.
“One! Two! Three!” I cried out as I sprawled out on the floor of what was slowly shaping up to be the second shop for St. Skin.
Jason pushed at my chest as he stood up and threw his hands in the air.
“And the winner by pinfall,” I said, “is… Dino Spike!”
I sat up and was the same height as Jason.
“I need a drink,” I said.
“Me too,” Jason said.
“You kicked my butt, kid.”
“Yes I did.”
The door to the shop opened and Kate wrestled with a stroller.
I jumped up and hurried to the door to get it for her.
“Mom!” Jason cried out. He ran toward her and froze at the stroller. He got to his toes and looked it. “Hey, baby boy Jack. How are you?”
I smiled.
“That still gets to my heart,” Kate whispered.
“It should,” I said.
“Where’s Tate?”
“He’s on a call with someone.”
“I kicked Axel’s butt,” Jason announced.
“Oh?” Kate asked.
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