“Wrestling match,” I said. “Hope you don’t mind.”
“Ah, so you’re the reason he’s been putting the cushions on the floor and jumping from the top rope as he calls it.”
“Guilty,” I said.
“I’m thirsty, Axel,” Jason said.
“That’s right. I promised you a victory drink. Stay put, kid.”
There was a small fridge that had water and some juice boxes in it. The damn things were so tiny that I could close my hand and you’d never know I was holding one.
“Here you go,” I said, handing Jason a juice box.
“What do you say?” Kate asked.
“Thank you, Axel,” Jason said.
“No problem.”
“Jason,” Kate said. “Go and find something to do for a minute.”
Jason ran through the empty shop.
I twisted the lid off a bottle of water.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink water,” Kate said. “Not unless you were hungover.”
I winked.
“Great. Hungover and babysitting my kid.”
“You’ve trusted me with worse.”
“Thanks for that.”
I looked down at the baby. “How’s the newbie here?”
“Up all night.”
“Sleeping all day,” I said. “He fits right in with St. Skin.”
Kate snorted. “Yeah right. How’s it going here?”
“Well, I let Tate win the battle and came to see the place. He still wants me to run it.”
“You don’t want to?”
“I don’t know what I want.”
Kate laughed.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“No. What was that laugh for?”
“That wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that response today.”
“Oh?”
“Shelby said the same thing earlier. We met up for a late breakfast.”
Just hearing her name - Shelby - hurt my heart.
I hadn’t seen her since the day I tried giving her that check. I played the scene in my mind over and over. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong, if anything.
“How is she?” I asked.
“Axel, what is this between you two?”
“That’s our business, Kate.”
“She told me everything.”
“Great,” I said. “So I guess I was trying to buy her love, huh?”
“No. You two just… I don’t know. You don’t know what you want, but you want each other. You’re both as confusing as hell.”
“Yeah, I get that,” I said. “She’s hurt. I try to be there and I’m wrong. I walk away and I’m wrong. So maybe with my being away, she can figure something out.”
“Welcome to falling in love,” Kate said. “It’s a horrible thing. But you find your way through it.”
“I want her to be happy,” I said. “And if us having a past doesn’t make her happy for today, then that’s it.”
“I’m sorry, Axel,” Kate said.
Behind me I heard the other door open and shut.
I wasn’t going to stand there and talk about my feelings for Shelby. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it around Tate. Bad enough I had to have him peel me off a barstool a few nights before because I’d drunk myself stupid over Shelby. I confessed more to Tate than I cared to do, which he used as leverage over me to come and look at the new shop.
Tate leaned down and kissed the top of Jason’s head.
“Hey, there’s the new mama,” Tate said. “Where’s Sawyer?”
“He went to the shop,” Kate said.
“Nice. You need anything from us?”
“No. I just stopped by to grab Jason so you two can work.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Tate said. “Not much for him to do here.”
“Except wrestle with Axel,” Kate said.
Tate looked at me. “So you’re the one teaching him about wrestling?”
“Hey, eventually you have to grow out of dinosaurs, right?”
“You’re more of a pain in the ass each day, Axel.”
“Watch your tongue, man,” I said. “I haven’t had a good fight in a while.”
“Yeah, well save your punches for outside. I have something to show you. Let me say bye to Jason and we’ll talk.”
I didn’t like the whole surprise Axel thing that Tate had going.
I gave Jason a high five as he walked out the door, promising him a rematch.
Tate helped Kate to her car.
And then it was just me and him facing off. Which was never a good thing.
“Something tells me you’re about to really piss me off,” I said.
Tate clutched my shoulder. “You’re going to fucking hate me, Axel.”
2.
I stepped outside and my eyes went right to the motorcycle. It took me a few seconds to realize what I was staring at. For a moment, I thought that Tate had bought himself another motorcycle. Maybe he sold his house for more than he thought he would and he’d treated himself. Or maybe the business had had a great month and he’d treated himself.
Then I realized it wasn’t just any motorcycle.
It was the motorcycle.
I pointed to it. “What the fuck is this?”
“I bought it,” Tate said. He slammed a hand to my back. “For you.”
“What?”
“I know what you did,” he said. “I know it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.”
“Yeah, it didn’t work out at all, Tate.”
“Well, now you have your ride back at least.”
He turned and I grabbed him. I had a handful of his shirt and pulled with force. I dragged him like he was a toy right to the motorcycle and threw him at it.
“I’m not fucking taking that thing,” I said.
“Yes, you are,” he said, standing there, not even trying to get ready to defend himself. Because I was going to kick his ass for this.
“Fuck off, Tate,” I snapped.
“This is your ride, brother. You built it.”
“I built it with a broken fucking heart,” I said. “I lost everything. I lost my unborn baby… and I lost my wife. I lost everything. You think a fucking motorcycle will fix that?”
“No,” Tate said. “But you’re talking to me. Let it out.”
“I’m going to fucking kill you, Tate.”
That’s when Tate snapped. He dove at me and shoved his hands so hard into my chest that I was off my feet for a second. Nobody could ever move me like that.
He was red faced and ready for a fight.
“You’re going to get on that fucking motorcycle and go and get Shelby. You’re going to take her somewhere and end this shit. End everything. Enough with the past, Axel. You fucking lost your shit and now you have it back.” He grabbed my shirt. “What you did for her was the best thing in the world. And I’m sorry she didn’t want that. But ask yourself why. Ask yourself what do I fucking do now… and do it. You don’t walk away. You don’t fucking hide.”
“And a motorcycle won’t change that,” I said. I pushed Tate away. “I don’t give a fuck about that thing.”
“Neither do I,” he said. “But I wanted to help you. It’s all back to what it was.”
I made a fist and lifted it, ready to go.
Tate kept his hands at his sides. “Do it. Punch me. Take it out on me, Axel. Face your shit and get your wife back, brother. You both need this. You’re both broken and only you two can heal each other. You offered her something beautiful, but her heart and her body aren’t ready for that.”
“I fucking know that,” I said. “I’m not blind, Tate.” I lowered my fist. “I’m not blind. I was trying to help her. Give her what she wanted. Without her shutting me out, which she did. Just like before.”
The anger was washed away by grief.
I saw her on her hands and knees in the hallway of our old apartment.
“Come here,” Tate said. He threw
an arm around me. “You big pussy. Are you going to cry?”
“Fuck off,” I said. “Nobody knows what she means to me.”
“And nobody needs to, but her,” Tate said.
I looked at the motorcycle. “You really bought that for me?”
“Yeah. I called up Gonzo and found out who he’d sold it to. Paid a shit load more than you got for it. And I have to give the guy free tattoos for a while.”
“I’m going to sell it again,” I said. “I never want to see that thing after today.”
“That’s okay,” Tate said. “Sell it and give me the money.”
“So this isn’t really a gift.”
“No,” Tate said. “It’s so you’ll wake the fuck up for a second. Go and give her everything of you. Not the past. Not the future. Not guessing what she wants. Just yourself.”
“That’s risky,” I said. “Who the hell wants me?”
Tate smiled. “There’s only one person I can think of…”
Me too.
Her name was Shelby.
3.
I watched as Shelby finally emerged from the building. She stood there in jeans and a white t-shirt, looking too damn beautiful for her own good. She made my heart race, skip a beat, and pound heavily all in the same breath.
After I killed the engine, I took my helmet off.
“What is this?” Shelby asked.
“I got my ride back,” I said.
“I see that. Did you get all the money thing sorted out then?”
“Not quite, Shel. Come for a ride.”
“What?”
“Please. Just come for a ride. A quick ride.”
“Axel…”
“I’m not leaving until you do,” I said. “I’m done with this leaving shit.”
“You’re stubborn,” she said as she started to walk toward me. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“I’m right where I belong,” I said.
“Axel… you can’t just get your motorcycle back and pretend…”
“Pretend what?” I asked. I stepped off the motorcycle and killed the distance between us. “Pretend what?”
“Whatever it is about me that you’re trying to convince yourself of,” she said.
“Christ, Shelby, do you hear yourself right now? You’re the stubborn one. Trying to come up with every excuse to toss me away.”
“You showed me what you wanted and I can’t give that to you. That will end us eventually.”
“Nothing will end us,” I said. “Not even divorce.”
“You sold your motorcycle for me.”
“And I’d do it again. I’d sell the clothes off my back for you. What part of that don’t you understand?”
“Axel…”
“Just come for a ride,” I said. “You can’t sit here alone and waste time thinking about nothing.”
“Oh, believe me, I’m thinking about a lot. It’s not nothing.”
I gently touched her hand. “Just a quick ride.”
She swallowed hard. Her head slowly started to shake no.
“It can just be us for a minute,” I whispered. “Axel and Shelby. Before everything happened. The guy watching you walk down the sidewalk with his heart racing. The girl trying not to get caught looking back at me.”
“Fine,” she said. “No surprises, Axel.”
“None,” I said.
I handed her my helmet and waited for her to get on the motorcycle after me. I stared down and waited to see her hands slide around my body. Her fingers locking tight.
She gave me that butterfly feeling, but I was too tough to admit it. It was like whiskey bottles shattering together inside me. In a good way though.
I had her on the back of my ride, her hands holding me tightly.
The next step?
Making sure she never let go again.
2.
I just wanted to be out of Hundred Falls Valley and away from St. Skin. Distance from the town was good, even though I had no real destination for us. Part of me just wanted to keep going until we found a town, a beach, somewhere where we could be different, be new, make things up as we went along.
But that’s not how it all worked.
We’d been riding for maybe fifteen minutes before I pulled over.
There wasn’t a person in sight.
The motorcycle went from the smooth pavement to a side road with dirt and rocks. It was bumpy and we left a trail of dust behind us that clouded up and lifted into the air long after I’d stopped moving.
“Now what?” Shelby asked as she took the helmet off.
I looked at her. Her hair was messy from the helmet.
She was the most beautiful sight in the world.
I shook my head and couldn’t hold back from her any longer. I moved toward her, cupped her face in my hands, and I kissed her. She didn’t fight me away, but rather gripped my shirt tightly, pulling me closer. The kiss became a battle. We pushed at each other’s mouths, kissing harder, faster, taking turns to pull away, exhale, and go back for more. The need and want were there. But so was everything else.
I finally broke the kiss for good. With my fingertips, I gently moved her hair out of her face. I traced lines down her cheek to her jaw.
“Shel… what the fuck happened?”
“Life,” she whispered back. “I’m not who you think.”
“You are. And then some. How can you not see that?”
“You want a family, Axel. I can’t give you that.”
“I never said I wanted a family,” I said. “We talked in the bed of my truck, drunk and in love. And then in the blink of an eye, you were pregnant. And we lost the baby. You lost the baby. I was there too. We never talked about it. We never got angry. We never cried together. We let it put this wedge between us. And now all these years later, you’re going to let guilt hurt you. I don’t blame you, Shel. I don’t blame your body. I don’t blame anything. Things happen. And it fucking hurts. I would have been a great father. You would have been an amazing mother. We would have gotten up together at night. We’d be tired. Frustrated. Arguing over who’s changing the diaper. But that didn’t happen, Shel. And that’s fucking okay.” I swallowed hard. “That’s okay. When you said the doctor told you about treatments, the first thing that popped into my mind was selling my ride. I never intended on keeping it. Building that motorcycle with Gonzo kept me sane. And I thought it would be fitting to give that to you.”
Shelby opened her mouth. I ran my thumb across her bottom lip and shook my head.
My polite way of asking her to be quiet.
“Love, I never meant to hurt you with that gesture. And if I did, then fuck me. Fuck me for not seeing and understanding. There is no pressure on you to do anything. All I want is you, Shel. And whatever life brings us.”
I leaned down and kissed her lips one more time before letting her go.
I walked back to the motorcycle and leaned against it.
Giving her space.
But also to watch her. To see her standing in the middle of nowhere, hugging herself, a warm breeze playing with her hair as she stared at me.
“Then what do you want?” she asked. “You think you can just shove away all those feelings you had when I was pregnant? What happens in a few years when you want something I can’t give?”
“Then I get a dog,” I said with a grin.
“I’m not smiling.”
“I want you, Shel. And whatever adventure we have in this life.”
“I hate you right now.”
“I know you do. But you love me. You never stopped for a second.”
“Of course I didn’t. I failed you. I gave you something and then lost it. Then I pushed you away because I was ashamed. Trying to come to terms with it all. Then it all exploded around me.”
“I know, love. And you should have never felt bad or ashamed.”
“I smoked,” she said. “What if my body… because of smoking…”
“Shel, stop it,” I said. “It doesn’t matte
r. Things happen. I don’t want to live in that world with you. I want to live in this world. The one in front of us.”
She crept forward. “It still hurts.”
“I know it does.”
“I never stopped loving you.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“I don’t want to let you down, Axel.”
“You never could let me down, love.”
She was close enough to touch, but I resisted. I let her come all the way to me. Her hands touching my chest and moving up to my neck and face. Her fingers digging into my jawline.
“What do we do now?”
“First, we kiss,” I said. “And second… we do whatever the fuck we want, Shel. If you need a day to be sad, then be sad. Just let me know. If you need a day to get away, then we go somewhere. You tell me what you want each day and I’m going to make sure it happens. And we never forget the past. But we can’t live in it.”
“I don’t want to live in it,” she said. “I swear, Axel. I just don’t want… hurt.”
I turned my head and kissed her small thumb. “I know, Shel. I don’t want that either. But without you, hurt is all I feel.”
“And with me?” she asked.
“You’re a pain in the ass,” I said with a grin. “But it’s better than feeling pain in my heart.”
She slid her hands down to my shirt and moved to her toes to get closer to me.
I met her with a kiss.
There were a lot more words to say. We both knew that.
But right then… in some random place, in some random spot of time…
All we wanted - and needed - was to kiss.
3.
“Are you allowed to be here?” Shelby asked as she tugged at my arm.
“I have a key,” I said. “Do you think I’d break into the tattoo shop?”
“I don’t know. You’re crazy sometimes.”
“Only when I’m near you,” I said with a wink.
“Puke,” Shelby said. “What are we doing here?”
“Relax.”
I jiggled the key and the heavy latch popped free. I opened the back door to what would become St. Skin’s second shop. The work in progress was the slowest fucking process I’d ever seen. Partly because Tate wanted me to run the shop and was stalling until I caved and said I’d do it.
“This is going to be the new shop,” I said. “You can see they’ve started to frame out the rooms. It’ll have the same look as the other shop, I guess. It’ll be just newer and cooler.”
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