When Hari Met His Saali

by Harsh Warrdhan

  ‘You, Sir, stay here.’

  Now the only light in the banquet hall was the spotlight on the dais. Xavier took Tia a little away from Hari.

  ‘I am seventy-two years old, Tia,’ he announced. ‘I was married as well, to a beautiful woman who has since passed away, but the only reason I am still alive is because I am still trying to become the man she wanted me to be. I am an unfinished man, Tia,’ Xavier said earnestly into the microphone.

  Some people laughed, but others were more excited to see what he would do with Tia.

  ‘So I know that a woman is never completely satisfied with the man she is marrying. Sure, she may love him, but he is still a work in progress. He is still not quite as she wants him to be, right?’

  Hari, unable to hear anything, was giving the thumbs up to the audience and winking at them although the audience was in complete darkness and he couldn’t see anyone.

  ‘Umm … I guess,’ Tia replied into her microphone. She was grinning from ear to ear and relishing the spotlight she was in, literally and figuratively.

  ‘So, is there something in Hari that you wish to be changed or brought upon?’ Xavier asked her.

  She was a little embarrassed, what with all the guests in the room.

  ‘Umm … no, he is perfect!’

  ‘Oh don’t be coy now. If his parents were not here, I am sure you would have a long list,’ Xavier said cajoling her a bit.

  Seeing that she was not forthcoming, Xavier asked for the audience’s support.

  ‘What do you say people? She should have something she wishes to change in him, right?’

  ‘Yes!’ the audience shouted collectively.

  ‘You know I can make him do as I want … as you want, right?’ Xavier said, turning to Tia. ‘You just saw a crazy dance, you want Hari to do a few moves too?’ to which Tia shook her head.

  ‘Tell him, Tia’ the audience shouted. ‘This is your chance, do it!’ ‘Change the man!’

  Hari, unawares and a little drunk, was cluelessly cheering her as well.

  Tia was getting egged on and finally thought of something to say.

  ‘OK, it’s not so much to change him, but I wish … I wish he was a little more romantic, a little more thoughtful in his ways towards me. I mean, I know he loves me, but it would be nice if he demonstrated that with thought, words and actions. He never brings flowers, or plans romantic evenings, dinners or says sweet things to me. It would be nice …’

  Seeing that Tia would probably go on and on, and he had a show to finish, Xavier interrupted her.

  ‘OK, we get the idea. I shall do the needful, madam. Now please go and take your seat.’

  Tia headed back to her seat and sat down next to Simi.

  Xavier removed Hari’s headphones.

  ‘And you Sir, Mr. Hari, do you have the engagement ring with you?’

  Hari took out the ring box from his pocket. Xavier took the ring out of the box and put the empty box back in Hari’s pocket.

  ‘You cheap bastard, this is a fake diamond!’ Xavier said mockingly. The audience laughed.

  ‘Hold this,’ Xavier said, giving the ring to Hari. He was swaying a little now.

  Xavier steadied him.

  ‘Don’t worry, most people prefer being drunk when they don’t know what they’re getting into, like marriage,’ he joked.

  The audience laughed, Hari also laughed.

  ‘Now, look here … four … three … two … one … Galimonto!’ Xavier snapped his fingers and Hari went into a daze. He was now hypnotized and under Xavier’s spell.

  Xavier turned to the audience.

  ‘Now ladies and gentlemen, I am going to do something a little different here. I am going to make Hari be the man Tia wants him to be and have him put the ring on her finger in the most romantic way she has ever seen.’

  People clapped.

  ‘I know, I know, you all are just happy that after this ring exchange, the bar will be open and the food will be served,’ he joked, ‘but let’s make this moment memorable for these two, for Tia and Hari!’ and he clapped.

  Following his lead, everyone clapped, thumped the tables and applauded.

  Xavier turned to Hari.

  ‘Hari, you will do exactly what I asked you to do and keep doing it till I use the release word, OK?’ he said sincerely.

  Hari nodded.

  ‘Now, as the music starts you’ll take that ring to Tia in the most romantic way. Hari, when I snap my fingers you are going to become the most attentive, the most polished, the most sophisticated, the most romantic guy on the planet. You will demonstrate your love towards this woman with words and actions. You’ll be a romantic poet, a shayar, a Don Jaun De’Marco! A Shah Rukh Khan in his most romantic role, and Hari you will love and regale your one and only woman with your romance, your poetry and shayari . . .’

  As he was putting these suggestions into Hari’s hypnotized mind, Xavier put his arms around Hari and extended one hand to point out Tia to Hari as the receiver of all his affections.

  That was the plan.

  To build anticipation he was pointing around the room randomly, melodramatically creating a suspense as to who he was going to point to as Hari’s ‘only woman’, with the intent of course of ultimately coming to a stop at Tia.

  ‘… and for only one woman and that woman is …’ the light man was moving the spotlight around the room as if he were searching for Tia.

  But when Xavier stopped pointing, and the spotlight came to a stop at the same time, but it wasn’t quite in the right place. And it fell on …

  Simi.

  ‘… her!’ Xavier said, snapping his fingers ‘Galimonto!’

  Hari, innocently following Xavier’s finger, also only saw Simi. She was the only woman he could see in the darkness. So when Hari got hypnotized by Xavier’s pointing, it was Simi he got hypnotized to.

  Of course neither Hari nor anyone else knew that. Yet.

  The light man immediately corrected his position and the spotlight shifted to Tia. It all happened so fast that only Xavier registered the mistake. And before he could do anything the music had started, another spotlight came on Hari and he was already descending from the dais.

  Everyone in the room was following Hari, who had a strange strut in his step almost like the legendary star Dev Anand’s. Minto was overwhelmed seeing an ape turn into a star as he made way for him. The photographers and the videographer were following him.Tia was getting emotional as Hari approached her. She stiffened her body, wiped her ring finger of sweat, and waited.

  Hari was a good fifty feet away from her when he casually picked up a single yellow rose from someone’s table and tossed it in the air without looking at it. The rose went up high, rotating horizontaly. Hari took a couple of strides when the rose started coming down. Hari had taken two more steps, the rose was just above him, and without looking up he parted his mouth and without missing a beat, caught the rose in between his teeth by its stem.

  People gasped in awe. Hari opened the front buttons of his tuxedo jacket and twirled to the music. The guests were amazed to see him acting like … like a Bollywood film hero as he started mouthing shayari to the table where the two sisters were sitting.

  Everyone in the room had known Hari for years and had never seen him in such a gallant mood. Hari took the rose out of his mouth and started mouthing words that came out of nowhere.

  ‘Peace flows into me

  As the tide to the pool by the shore;

  It is mine forevermore,

  It will not ebb like the sea …’

  Tia was hyperventilating and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

  Hari continued.

  ‘… I am the pool of blue

  That worships the vivid sky;

  My hopes were heaven-high,

  They are all fulfilled in you …’

  Now not only Mary, Cindy and Jenny had joyful tears in their eyes but Barry was also overcome with emotion.

  ‘… I am the pool of goldr />
  When sunset burns and dies —

  You are my deepening skies;

  Give me your stars to hold.’

  Only those who had studied poetry would know that Hari was reciting a poem called Peace by Sara Teasdale, written in 1915. It was part of his class when he was in standard seventh. In itself it was not a big deal, but Hari recalled it and was reciting it with so much conviction that people simply were amazed.

  As Hari reached Tia’s table, she got up, now shivering with joy, and extended her hand, her engagement finger extended as well. The music had stopped for people to hear what Hari was going to say. There was utter silence in the hall when …

  … Hari bypassed Tia and went straight to Simi. He went down on one knee and extended the diamond ring to her.

  All the while Tia maintained her composure and smile, not sure what Hari was up to.

  ‘I sooooo want to be your hubby, Simi,’ Hari said while kneeling down, taking Simi’s hand and sliding the ring onto her finger, all in one smooth move.

  Simi was too stunned to realize what was happening as was Tia — and everyone else for that matter. Before Simi could react, Hari had got back onto his feet, had raised her up, slid his arms around her waist and had planted a long wet kiss on her lips.

  There was stunned silence. Nobody knew what was happening.

  Tia looked at them kissing but it still didn’t hit her when she saw that Simi, instinctively or maybe because no one had quite kissed her like that, arched backwards as Hari leaned in, the kiss still continuing.

  A moment later, the photographers were eagerly clicking away and flashbulbs were going off all across the room when Hari finally disengaged and came up for air.

  ‘I love you, Simi!’ he said looking deep into her eyes. Then he hugged her and would not let go.

  The silence broke, and chaos ensued. Simi screamed at Hari ‘Hari, Hari!’ The house lights came on. Mary got up and rushed towards Tia. So did Jenny and Cindy.

  A stunned Tia simply whispered ‘Hari, what are you doing, Hari?’

  And as Chitthi and Barry removed Hari from Simi, Tia’s helplessness turned to rage and she turned to the dais.

  ‘Xavier!’

  Everyone looked at Xavier. The photographers and the videographer turned to him as well. He was sweating profusely and trying to loosen his robe at the neck. A few moments earlier, while everyone was too stunned watching Hari plant the longest kiss ever on Simi, Xavier was trying to get someone’s attention … for himself. He was having heart palpitations and was having difficulty breathing. He was suddenly feeling weak and was unable to speak up. But no one was paying attention to him then, but now …

  … everyone was looking at him.

  Barry screamed at him. Xavier was trying to say something ‘O … O …’ and was pointing at Hari trying to get the release word out of his mouth, but before he could finish what he wanted to say, he clutched his heart and staggered backwards.

  As the chaos continued with everyone talking loudly and looking at each other, Xavier staggered sideways as if he was about to collapse when he tried to hold on to something. All he saw was the three-tier cake which, to his blurry eyes, looked like something to hold on to. He leaned on it for support, but collapsed, taking the three-tier cake along with him. The cake splattered on the floor.

  Xavier had just had a massive heart attack and was unconscious.

  Barry and some of his doctor friends rushed to him.

  An ambulance was called and he was rushed to the Malibu St. John’s Hospital.

  A minute later

  It was obvious, that the event was a disaster, for everyone. Mary was screaming at Hari, who kept looking at Simi as if he was a Romeo and she, his Juliet.

  ‘Yeh kya kar diya, puttar! Teri math mari gayi?’ Mary cursed, asking him if he had lost his mind. ‘What have you done?

  Chitthi and Phil were shaking him to try to wake him up.

  While sensing that there could be a family feud most guests excused themselves and left. DJ Shameless and Joe, who by now was pretty drunk, were slumped in their chairs. They just shrugged their shoulders and had another drink. Minto was still kneeling down next to the splattered cake like a mourner at the graveside of a departed loved one. The serving staff were trying to comfort him. Badi Mama and Nana looked at each other as if to say ‘I could have told you this was going to happen,’ as they gulped down the remainder of the wine on the table.

  Tia was crying as she sat down on her throne and stared at Simi. She was numb; her world had shattered.

  Simi was too stunned and shocked to realize what to do but noticed that Tia was looking at her hurtfully. It was not Simi’s fault — no one could have guessed that would happen — but she was somehow feeling guilty. She started crying as well.

  Mary was hurt looking at Tia and was cursing Hari.

  ‘Why did you have to drink so much today, huh? Answer me, you good for nothing …’

  But Chitthi intervened.

  ‘Auntyji, I am going to take him home and put him to bed before the fight escalates.’

  Chitthi and Phil took Hari away. In fact they had to drag him as he kept looking at Simi, pining to get close to her. To Tia it looked like a classic scene from a Bollywood film where the villains physically separate two lovers.

  Hari didn’t look at Tia even once.

  When Hari was out of sight, Simi came to Tia and took hold of her hand.

  ‘Tia it was just some stupid, silly mistake. He didn’t mean to … he was … is drunk.’

  Tia, who was crying silently, let out a big gasp, and started crying loudly. Mary told Jenny to get their cars.

  ‘We’re going home! I do not want my family’s jhagda displayed in public!’ Nobody wanted a family scandal to be played out in public.

  As the women helped Tia to the car she exchanged one last look with Minto. They ‘talked’ with their moist eyes, subtle head movements and clenching of fists. She was like a dulhan during her bidaai; he was like a father bidding her goodbye. But here Tia seemed to be apologizing to him for the disaster that had just happened. It was doubtful that Minto would recover from this blemish on his impeccable record of event hosting.

  Once again everyone seemed to have forgotten about Simi. She dragged herself out, trying to be invisible, and got into one of the waiting cars.

  Late that night — Tia’s Apartment

  Simi was dropped off at Tia’s place by an acquaintance of Mary’s. Tia, she guessed, was staying with Mary. All alone and feeling vulnerable, Simi’s first thought was to get on the next flight and go back to her mother. It could take her years to forget the way Tia looked at her, as if it was all Simi’s fault.

  Her phone vibrated.

  She knew her mother was calling to ask about Tia’s ceremony because she had seen several missed calls from her Mausaji’s number already. She didn’t know what to tell her so she didn’t answer.

  She had not eaten dinner; no one had eaten dinner at the ceremony.

  She tried to sleep but she couldn’t. Like a movie scene in a loop, Hari kissing her — more than him putting a ring on her finger — kept playing in her head. She would spend the night fighting off the thought.

  At Mary’s, Tia was still numb. Jenny had helped her get out of her dress and put her in her sweatpants. It was very awkward with no one knowing what to say to her. Mary just asked Jenny and Cindy to be with her.

  ‘What happened?’ Tia asked no one in particular.

  Cindy didn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

  ‘When Hari came down from the dais, he was supposed to put the ring on your finger, but …’

  Thankfully Mary had intervened.

  ‘Koyi na. It is all a stupid mistake. That magician hypnotized Hari. Something went wrong. This is just a silly misunderstanding Tia, by morning Hari will be fine, everything will be fine.’

  Chitthi and Phil came down from Hari’s room.

  ‘How is he? Mary asked. ‘Is he out of the magic s
pell?’

  Chitthi shook his head.

  ‘He is in his room cleaning out his closets.’

  ‘Closets? Cleaning?’ Mary didn’t want to know any more.

  Even Stephan and Clara stopped by to enquire about Tia. Clara, who was a vegan and ate wheatgrass type food, was a firm believer in destiny. But she was here to show her support for Tia. She assured Tia that she could take as much time off work as she needed. Stephan nodded in agreement.

  ‘No, I’ll be back to work,’ Tia answered without thinking.

  After they had left, Badi Mama and Nana, who were quietly sitting till now decided enough was enough, announced that they were hungry. Without asking anyone they took out their staple — sarso da saag and makke ki roti — from the freezer, reheated it and served it up for everyone. Everyone ate accept Tia.

  ‘I am going to Hari’s room,’ she announced.

  ‘Beta, wait till the morning,’ Mary said, trying to discourage her. ‘Let’s not get into fights. We don’t know what has happened to him.’

  At around midnight Phil, Cindy and Chitthi decided it was time to leave.

  ‘I have to be at the office in the morning, Mary,’ Chitthi explained. ‘Hari shouldn’t be at work for a couple of days.’

  Mary thanked him and they left.

  Jenny stayed back with Tia.

  By one in the morning Barry had returned home from the hospital. Tia was the first to rush to him.

  ‘Did he tell you the release word?’

  ‘What?’ Barry was tired, physically and emotionally. It would be a lie not to mention the burden of explaining Hari’s behavior to his three hundred odd guests was weighing on him. But so was Xavier’s health. He was a doctor as well as a father.

  ‘We performed emergency heart bypass surgery and it was successful, but he is still unconscious,’ Barry explained to Tia.

  ‘Unconscious? For how long?’ Tia asked with concern.

  Barry sat her down and tried his best to be calm.

  ‘Listen, bete, he is very old and his heart is weak. He is very weak. Although he is under my personal care and we are doing whatever we can, we usually don’t know how long it’ll take for a patient to recover. But I promise you that everything will be all right.’