Knots

by Chanse Lowell

  They’d be here in twenty minutes. It was a Saturday night, and his friends were going to spend their night out here, instead of somewhere else like a club or a bar.

  She grabbed a bowl, cut the avocados into chunks and whipped up some guacamole.

  What if his friends didn’t like Mexican food?

  She was second-guessing her choice to make green pork enchiladas and was cursing herself for putting Mark in a position where he no longer trusted her to take his opinion and honor it.

  Before she’d freaked out over him telling Pono’s family they were together, Mark would’ve told her what to make without a qualm if they’d agreed she’d be making meals.

  She missed that already, and it hadn’t really happened yet since he’d been cooking up until now.

  Shit, she was going to screw up this dinner for him—embarrass him in front of his friends.

  Oh God! She groaned when it hit her—these were probably his BDSM friends. Other Doms might be showing up with their well-behaved, very trained, very sexy subs.

  She had no idea what to wear. Black latex cat-woman suit? She didn’t own one of those. All she had that might fit in was her black stilettos. How about she answer the door in nothing but an apron and those heels?

  Would that create the right impression?

  Her stomach flamed, and hot blood pushed into her cheeks.

  No way. She didn’t have a toned enough body to pull something off like that. And Mark said he didn’t share, so he probably wouldn’t want her to bare that much skin.

  She went back to work, getting everything set up.

  Once she had all the fixings set out on the counter for the guests so they could top their enchiladas how they liked, she went back into Mark’s room. She pulled down one of his white dress shirts and went back to her room.

  She changed into some comfortably tight jeans, put on a dark blue tank top, set his shirt on over it, buttoned the middle and tied the bottom tails into a knot.

  Then she pulled her hairband out, flipped her head down, tousled her hair and went to her bathroom, spraying it into that fun, sensual look.

  She applied some light makeup, unsure of how much was too much. The last thing she wanted was to unknowingly mock their lifestyle by putting on whore red lipstick and too much eye makeup.

  She slipped into the heels, and oddly, she was incredibly confident in that moment and happy to be in her own skin.

  Everything was in place.

  Mark should be arriving a few minutes before the guests.

  He said he had to pick up some dessert. That was left up to him—not her.

  He definitely didn’t trust her any longer.

  Her throat bobbed as she swallowed down some air along with her sporadic waves of uncontrollable emotions.

  She was all over the place today.

  Chiiiick, chiiiick.

  The front door was being unlocked.

  She squared her shoulders, lifted her chin and wandered out to the kitchen, but it wasn’t Mark.

  “Hey—you look nice,” Jay said.

  “Uh . . . What’re you doing here? We’re expecting company,” she said, her voice cracking.

  Was it okay if she was dressed like this in front of Pono’s brother? It wasn’t revealing or anything, but it definitely had a slightly sexy appeal to it.

  He smiled. “I’m your dinner guest, silly.” He went over to the table and plopped down into a seat. He rubbed his right ear, then sighed. “They’ll be in here soon. Marly’s pouting about something stupid.” He rolled his eyes.

  Should she run for it and change real quick?

  “No problem.” She stared at her daring heels.

  Had they even seen her in anything other than bland, conservative clothing and shoes?

  “So, Mark didn’t tell you he’d invited us?”

  She smiled and went mute. “I’ll be right back.”

  There was little time, but she could at least take off the shoes. Those seemed like overkill.

  She combed her fingers through her hair a few times to tame it down a little.

  A disappointed sigh tugged its way out of her chest. Somehow she’d imagined a very different night, and somehow it had excited her to think of being introduced more into his dark world.

  When she came back out barefoot, Mark was walking in the door, a grocery bag weighted down in his left hand and his right arm around Toloa’s shoulders.

  The oddest sensations overwhelmed her. Peace. Elation. Belonging. Family.

  With him in the equation, the numbers added up.

  Pono wasn’t here as a buffer with his family to make sure she was included at some point, but Mark was.

  He looked up at Jeanie and smiled so brightly it took her breath away.

  She set a hand on the waistband of her jeans and slowed her breathing.

  “Shoot. I made enchiladas,” she said under her breath. They weren’t overly fond of Mexican cuisine. Or at least she didn’t think they were.

  “Enchiladas? Love those!” Jay said, slapping the table with his hand.

  “Oh, good . . .” Jeanie went and got the plates out, set the table as Mark helped seat everyone.

  He put away the ice cream he’d bought, then got them all something to drink.

  He pulled out a Gatorade from the grocery bag and handed it to Jay.

  Mark took a seat next to him. “Howzit?”

  “Good. Good.”

  In a blinding flash, they both slipped into pidgin talk. Pono would do that when there was a lot of family around, and half the time she could understand them, but the other half, she was confused.

  “Girls been good to ya?” Mark shoved Jay in the shoulder.

  “Yeah—got da kine wit da cho cho lips, and she fine.” Jay bounced his eyebrows. “She give me plenty of good time.”

  “Jay!” his mother scolded, her eyebrows uniting and making a front against where this was going.

  “She got a grip on da—” Jay tried to keep going, but Toloa hissed so loud it sounded like wind had broken in through the cracks in the doors and windows.

  “Hshhhhht! You stop it!” Toloa barked another word in pidgin, Jeanie didn’t understand.

  “I was talkin’ ‘bout her bike,” he said to his mom, smirking. He turned back to Mark. “Cool bike. Her bambucha okole fits real good up against my—”

  “Shhhhhtk,” his mother cut him off again, then smacked him upside the head.

  “Only teasin’. I don’t haf da girls—you know dat,” Jay said, chuckling.

  He shoved Mark.

  They bantered back and forth in broken English, and then Jay was back at it again.

  “Yup! She always had doze tasty cho cho lips! Nevah grow tired of ‘um.” Jay snickered.

  Oh my God in Heaven. Was Jay insinuating in front of his parents this girl had given him head more than once?

  Mark shoved him harder this time. “Nah, braddah. Talk ‘bout dat later.” He grinned. “You wanna shoot hoops dis week?”

  Jeanie almost dropped the casserole dish as she pulled the enchiladas out of the oven.

  When did Mark become so fluent in Hawaiian slang?

  Mark glanced at her, wearing a smug expression.

  “Can’t. Fixin’ da car, brah,” Jay replied, shrugging.

  Jeanie giggled to herself now that she knew that was Jay’s code way of saying he didn’t want to do it and he was trying to get out of it.

  “How ‘bout catchin’ da waves?” Mark pointed at him. “You too busy for dat?”

  “Nah. No wheels though. How’m I s’posed to get there?”

  “I’ll pick ya up.” Mark got up and helped her start plating up the enchiladas. “Jeanie’ll go with us. She’s good.”

  “Yeah—I ‘member,” Jay said, giving her the chin tilt and slight eyebrow raise of approval.

  She beamed at him—at both of them.

  It was a slice of heaven to hear them talking this way like buddies.

  Mark set a plate before Kueili first. />
  Jay was chattering away with Marly, and their rapid fire way of speaking pidgin had Jeanie lost almost immediately. They spoke at supersonic speed until their mom said it was rude to speak in slang at the dinner table and to knock it off.

  Jeanie was sad it had ended, but glad she could understand everything being said once again. It was nice to listen to it while she served food.

  Once they all had their enchiladas, they went after refried beans, Spanish rice, guacamole, salsa, chips and sour cream, only taking what they wanted.

  Her heart floated as she watched them fill their plates. No one seemed disgruntled over the meal she’d prepared.

  Before Jeanie sat down last with her plate, she gave Mark a one-armed hug from behind.

  He turned his face to her with a shocked but pleased expression. Without thinking about it, she kissed his cheek.

  His lips spread into the most delicious smile.

  She grinned back and took a seat next to him. He was sandwiched between her and Jay.

  Marly was between her parents.

  Seemed like a cozy, smart setup.

  Mark talked to each person at the table, and made them all laugh, repeating jokes or funny stories Pono had shared with him over the years.

  He was hilarious, and she was at ease.

  “So, you’re staying in California, right?” Marly asked Jeanie.

  “Yeah, I am.” Jeanie nodded and gulped.

  Mark’s hand gripped her thigh under the table and squeezed.

  Tingles flooded her legs.

  “Where’ll you stay?” Jay asked.

  “Here with Mark, if it’s not too much of an imposition?” Jeanie wanted to duck her head and hide it in shame for putting him on the spot, but she was unsure of how else to handle this since he was so closed off lately.

  “Not at all. In fact, I thought we’d go back to Phoenix in a few days, box up her belongings, rent a U-Haul and bring it all here. She’ll be moving in permanently.” Mark gave her a look that was a cross between pleading and questioning.

  “I need to set some things up with work, but I think that’ll be great.” Jeanie shot him a vibrant, reassuring smile.

  He expelled a breath like he’d been holding it for ages.

  His hand squeezed her under the table once more.

  “Then we can see you more often?” Marly sat straighter in her chair and searched Jeanie’s face.

  “Absolutely. I think we can go dancing at least once a month,” Jeanie offered.

  “Or maybe every weekend,” Marly shot back, her eyes hopeful.

  “We’ll see . . .” Jeanie forked some rice and popped it into her mouth.

  “This is delicious,” Toloa said.

  Out of nowhere, Toloa’s husband clapped. “Good food. Good people and happy choices. Good for you.” He bowed his head a little, then radiated nothing but acceptance at Jeanie.

  “She’s a smart woman. Always admired how when she made a decision, she followed it through,” Mark said, his tone gushing and oozing with pride.

  She could’ve levitated out of the chair, until Jay reached over the table and flicked her shoulder. “Well, now that you’re rich, with nothing to do with that money, why don’t you buy me a new car, sis?”

  Her face went cold and so did her blood.

  “Rich? She’s not rich. What’re you talkin’ ‘bout?” Marly gave him the “You’re stupid!” eyes.

  “You know—she and Pono were saving every penny to get fertility treatment, for her problems.” Jay went back to eating.

  “Shhhhh!” Toloa shot him a look of death and mortification.

  “No, it’s fine,” Jeanie said, setting her fork down. “We saved around nine thousand. After we sold our other car, it made a big difference. We were going to try to have IVF soon.”

  “What was your problem called again? Poly popping ovules or something?” Jay chugged his Gatorade down.

  She watched him go. How like his brother he was. Pono loved sports drinks. She hated them—only bought them for him and never drank them. They had awful aftertastes.

  “It’s polycystic ovary syndrome,” Jeanie told him, her voice firm but kind and patient.

  “I thought that only happened to fat ladies.” Jay was demolishing his enchilada.

  “Not always, but sometimes it’s a problem for heavier set ladies,” Jeanie said.

  “You should eat more, definitely then, since it’s not a problem. Skinny’s ugly.” Marly stared at her with a bitter look in her eyes.

  “Marly!” her dad barked. “Enough!”

  “What? That’s what everyone in the family tells me—too skinny—eat more so I won’t be ugly—when all I want to do is lose weight.” Marly picked at her food, her expression one of being ganged up on.

  “It’s our way,” Toloa tried to explain.

  “I know. I remember. It’s not a bad thing—I get it.” Jeanie remembered Pono had told her that skinny girls were looked down upon. It was a sign of being well-off and taking care of themselves to have some decent meat on their bones. It meant good childbearing. But Jeanie was slightly paranoid about gaining weight since she already had PCOS. She didn’t want to make it worse. Not that it really could be any worse since as far as she knew, she hadn’t ovulated in months.

  “You’re beautiful,” Mark told her.

  “Thanks.” She reached under the table with her right hand and squeezed his left. “I was going to be put on Clomiphene next month, actually. I was kind of worried about having a pregnancy with multiples, but Pono liked that idea.” She tried to shrug, but only one shoulder raised and it looked like more of an odd twitch than anything. Her nerves were jumping like crazy as her stomach curled into several knots.

  Mark shifted in his seat.

  Was he unaware of this issue with her? Would he be relieved she might not ever conceive, or would this make him turn against her? They hadn’t even discussed birth control because he wore a condom the times he came inside her, otherwise he was either being sucked off, or ejaculating all over her body. She figured that meant he was ignorant of her situation.

  “I thought you were going to have surgery?” Jay was up, grabbing more food as he waited for her response.

  “Yeah, we considered getting my ovaries drilled, but it was going to mean I’d have to take more time off work, and since we’d be using some of our savings for these treatments, it was going to have to wait. We figured we’d try the shots first.” She played with a tortilla chip on her plate, swirling it in the refried beans but failing to actually bring it to her lips.

  “Eat. I’ll handle this,” Mark whispered in her ear.

  She dropped the chip, picked up her fork and somehow obeying him lit something up inside her.

  Her back relaxed into the chair and her mind quit racing.

  “I’ll help you fix your car,” Mark told Jay. “Just like last time. What’s going on with it now?”

  He turned to face Jay, though he kept his hand on Jeanie’s leg.

  “Oh, a ton of stuff. Need to replace the motor mounts and replace the timing belt. Those are expensive parts. And I’m not sure I have the right tools to do the motor mounts,” Jay answered then returned to the table with a hefty serving of seconds.

  Jeanie smiled inwardly. Even though her secrets were spread out like the buffet of food, at least everyone knew what was going on. No more hiding.

  No more shame.

  She was infertile, and she wasn’t sure she cared anymore.

  Chapter 15

  After the Finaus left, Jeanie moved to the kitchen and began cleaning.

  Mark moved past her and filled them both a glass of wine.

  “You were marvelous,” he whispered in her ear.

  She jumped. “Jesus—you scared me.”

  “I’ve been right here watching you and helping some. You didn’t see me?”

  “No—I guess I was caught up in my thoughts and cleaning.”

  “Well, you’re sexy as hell when you’re that focused. I may
need to watch you scrub out the shower sometime.”

  She smirked. “What on earth about that is sexy?”

  “Clearly, you need to be around me more to understand why that turns me on—why you turn me on, wearing my shirt without my permission.”

  He took the dishrag out of her hand, passed her the glass of wine and went about undressing her by starting with his shirt.

  “Tell me to stop now if you don’t want this, because you’re moving in here—at your own declaration, not mine—which means I have full access to you once again.” His brow was up, testing her. Would she contradict her earlier statement?

  It felt like forever since he’d been inside her, telling her how insatiable she made him.

  “Green, Sir. I want it. All of it.” She gulped down her drink, set it aside and her eyes were transfixed on his hands, undressing her.

  “Dinner was delicious. Thank you for that. And you were perfect.”

  “Except for when I lost track of what to say and do when my goddamn fertility issues came up.”

  He stood up straight and set his hands on her shoulders. “If you have something to say about it, say it now, but don’t you dare put yourself down for something you can’t control.”

  “How is this going to work, Mark? I mean, does it even matter if I can’t have kids? I doubt you even want them anyway.”

  His brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”

  “How am I supposed to be a submissive and do kinky things with you if we’ve got a baby around, and that’s even assuming I could ever manage to conceive?”

  He smiled. “Babies aren’t a problem for me. I enjoy them. Besides, submissives get pregnant all the time. I’d love to have that with you.”

  She pushed his hands off her. “That’s just it. I’m not even sure I want kids. I kind of gave up hope a long time ago. I was saving all that money because Pono wanted it so badly.”

  He hummed for a second, took in a scraping breath. “I want kids, too, but if you don’t, that’s fine. Maybe someday you will. Maybe it would be good for you to take a break from worrying about it. It sounded at dinner like you were exhausted by even thinking about it. Do what feels right to you—what works for us. Don’t go off your past, Jeanie. That stuff has no bearing on us since it’s up to you now. Your choice.”