Confess (Sin City Salvation #1)

by A. Zavarelli

  When Birdie first saw me getting dressed and brushing my hair, she was excited. She offered to take me to coffee or shopping or the spa. All the things we used to do together. And I was a little sorry when her face fell because I refused her, but I explained that I had important things to do.

  She thought I was going insane, sitting in front of the computer all day staring at the screen like a zombie. But I was processing every word I read and furiously scribbling notes. Those notes weren’t enough. I needed to hear from the people Lucian helped. I needed to hear from those he had changed.

  It wasn’t easy. At first, I was hesitant given the fact that many of his clients had witnessed my epic meltdown at his service, followed by the ash-napping incident. But regardless, I couldn’t allow my humiliation to hold me back.

  There was the small matter of getting over my nerves as well. Many of Lucian’s clients were somewhat scary looking at first glance. Bikers. Footballers. There was even a professional fighter who had to be inching seven feet tall.

  But when I sat down across from them and asked them to tell me about Lucian in their own words, I realized something. They were just men. Men who worked hard and wanted to live their lives in peace away from judgment and stereotypes.

  In a short time, they painted a picture for me of something that was very clearly wrong with our justice system. The notion that bias was alive and well, and that one man had the balls to fight for them when everyone else was ready to stone them. I knew it already, but hearing it from them was profound in a way I didn’t expect.

  Lucian West was a real-life hero, and if I didn’t already know it, the proof was in these furiously scribbled page notes.

  “EVERYTHING OKAY IN HERE?” BIRDIE asked as she popped her head into the bedroom.

  It had been three months, and she still came to check on me every night before I went to bed. She worried about me far too much, and a part of me felt guilty that she had to worry about me at all.

  “I’m okay,” I told her, and I meant it.

  The days were long and exhausting, and I still missed Lucian a thousand times every second. But there was one thing I’d never be able to change, no matter how long my grief might last. The world went on, regardless of the day mine ended.

  And soon, things would be changing again. I was fat and pregnant now. Wildly uncomfortable to the point that everything ached, and I was only five months along. But the baby was growing and kicking and healthy, and he would be here soon. I would need to set my pain aside because I was all he had.

  “Are you really not going to find out the sex?” Birdie asked as I slathered my belly in cocoa butter.

  “I don’t need to,” I told her. “I already know.”

  “The gypsy blood,” she teased.

  Birdie smirked and accepted that I was just crazy because I’d already been buying everything in blue. If it did turn out to be a girl, we were in trouble, but somehow, I just knew it wasn’t.

  “No offense.” Birdie eyeballed my belly. “But I hope I never get knocked up. I’d be such a whiny bitch.”

  “You already are,” I said.

  She stuck out her tongue and fluffed the pillows on the bed, flinging herself onto my old side. Once we’d established that Lucian’s side was off-limits, we stopped having problems with her invading my space, which was good because Birdie loved to invade everyone’s space.

  “This bed is comfy.” She wiggled her way into the pillows. “Way comfier than the guest room.”

  “You don’t have to sleep there,” I told her. “You can go back to…”

  It finally occurred to me that I never knew where she was staying. We still hadn’t talked about what she was doing in Vegas, or why she had lied to me. I’d accepted the fact that there was something strange going on between her and Ace, given that he never left her on her own for very long, but I didn’t know the details. Suddenly, I felt very selfish for not asking her.

  “These past few months have been pretty much all about me,” I said. “Haven’t they?”

  “So what? It’s about time you learned how to be selfish.” She said it as a joke, but I didn’t laugh.

  “It’s just such a surreal experience.” I sat down on the bed beside her. “I remember how sad we were when Mom left, but we were so young. It didn’t feel like this. It didn’t feel like I’d been sucked into this void that I’d never get out of.”

  “You’re doing really well,” Birdie said gently. “You’ve come a long way.”

  “I know.” I stared up at the ceiling. “But I feel like all this stuff has happened around me, and I haven’t had the ability to absorb it.”

  “You’ve been pretty engrossed in your research lately,” Birdie admitted. “I figured it was good for you.”

  “It is. But I want to know what’s going on with you.”

  “Me?” She blinked. “I thought you were just talking about the world in general.”

  I pulled the comforter up around me and snuggled into it. If I breathed slowly, I could still smell Lucian there, but that scent was disappearing every day. “The world, in general, is going to hell,” I said. “Not much new to report there. I want to know why you stayed in Vegas after you told me you were going to Washington.”

  She stared down at her pink polished toes. “It’s complicated.”

  “Complicated, how?” I poked her in the shoulder. “I’m your sister. You should be able to tell me anything.”

  “I can tell you anything.” She poked me back. “But that doesn’t mean I want to. Especially when you might be disappointed in me.”

  “Do you think I have it in me to be disappointed in you right now, B?” I joked. “I’m barely holding it together every day.”

  She looked at me for a minute before she finally nodded. “All right, well, look… the thing is… I went to Washington. I tried it, Gypsy, I swear I did. I wanted to make you proud of me and all that, but I didn’t know anyone there. And it was all nature type stuff, and you know that just isn’t me. I missed home, and I wanted to come back, so I did.”

  I sighed. I got what she was saying, I really did, but she hadn’t thought about the possible consequences. “How long have you been back?”

  “For a couple of months,” she confessed.

  “Birdie, you know it’s dangerous for you here,” I said gently. “It would kill me if—”

  “Nothing’s going to happen to me,” she interjected. “I swear. I wouldn’t do that to you. And besides, I have some people watching out for me now. You have nothing to worry about.”

  “What people?”

  “Ace and his club buddies,” she groaned. “They’ve taken it upon themselves to look out for me I guess because they didn’t want Lucian to deal with another pain in the ass.”

  Irritation bubbled up inside me. “So Ace knew you were here this whole time?”

  “Well, technically… no.” Birdie frowned. “He just happened to see me one night at a casino.”

  I glared at her. “What were you doing in the casino?”

  “You promised you wouldn’t get upset with me,” she reminded me. “I was just playing some table games. That’s it.”

  I took a breath and shook my head. “I’m not upset. I just want to make sure you aren’t in trouble.”

  “Even if I were…” Birdie held up her hands before I could interrupt. “Which I’m not, it’s not for you to worry about anymore, Gypsy. I’m a big girl now, and I’m responsible for my actions.”

  “You still should have told me,” I said. “And Ace should have said something too.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not sure why he didn’t.”

  “Are you still going to your classes?”

  “No,” she admitted sheepishly.

  We’d need to address that later, but for now, I had learned what was important. Birdie was alive, she was healthy, and she was happy. Everything else could be figured out.

  I picked up the copy of Tuesdays with Morrie. Lucian had been reading that book to me bef
ore he died. And every night since, I’d been reading it myself. Over and over again. I couldn’t move on from it because I knew he chose it for a reason.

  “Do you want me to read to you?” Birdie asked. “I know it won’t be the same, but—”

  “It won’t.” I smiled and handed her the book. “But I’d really like that.”

  She opened the page I’d left off and found the first paragraph. When I closed my eyes and rested my head against the pillow, a magical thing happened. Because for a minute, I could remember Lucian’s voice. The way the words vibrated against his chest and filled the room as he read to me.

  I missed him more than I breathed every day, but somehow, he was right.

  He was still here with me.

  “YOU’RE LOOKING FABULOUS,” KATE NOTED as she sat down across from me.

  I already had my tea, and she was ten minutes late to our coffee date.

  “You lie.” I smirked. “But thanks.”

  “I would never lie to you.” She wrinkled her nose playfully. “Not even about your work.”

  My teeth dug into my lip when she pulled out her notes. Already, I was prepared to sob into the table when she told me how awful it was. I’d mentioned to her a thousand times before I emailed it that it was the first thing I’d ever written. It probably wasn’t good. I didn’t know what I was doing. The list went on and on. It had been a month of radio silence since I’d sent it to her, and I was quietly freaking out on the inside when she looked up at me.

  “I know it’s still rough,” I said. “But I plan to get a good editor—”

  “I have some notes here for you,” Kate said absently as she scrolled through the pages of her tablet.

  I didn’t know if I could do this. It occurred to me then that I was crazy to attempt this now. I was pregnant, emotional, and full of grief, and I was not in any place to handle criticism, small or large.

  “Kate—”

  “Hauntingly moving and poignant,” Kate read as she peered up at me from above her glasses. “That’s a direct quote from New York Times bestselling biographer Kal Langston.”

  “What?” I blinked. “You mean—”

  “Here’s another.” Her eyes returned to the screen and followed her finger. “Utterly riveting. A moving piece from start to finish. Gypsy captured the essence of a man few really knew behind the media headlines. His life’s work, his heart, his silent foray into redemption under intense scrutiny. A real-life hero, shrouded in mystery.”

  My eyes began to water as I brought a trembling hand to my mouth. “He really read my book?”

  Kate took off her reading glasses and offered me a gentle smile. “I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t help myself.”

  I shook my head because I was too emotional to form any words. Kate crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “The world needs to see this book, Gypsy. The world needs to know who Lucian West was.”

  That was exactly what I wanted. I wanted the world to know who he really was.

  “I know it’s not my place,” Kate continued. “But Kal made you an offer. He wants to help you. He wants to meet you in person.”

  I wiped the leaky corners of my eyes and took a fortifying breath. “What kind of an offer?”

  “He has his own publishing company. He’s connected, and he’s excited about this project. He’s even talking about a documentary.”

  The corners of my lips tilted in a smile that felt rusty on my face. It was exciting, and it was happening so fast. My immediate instinct was to say yes to everything, but that instinct felt vulnerable only a second later.

  “What is it?” Kate asked as my smile fell.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “This is everything I wanted, but I just can’t help wondering if it’s what Lucian would have wanted.”

  Kate gave me an understanding nod. “He was quite the enigma, wasn’t he? It’s difficult to say how he would feel about it. He never did a good deed for the reward. I suppose that’s why he didn’t boast of his wins or even bother to tally them. In his eyes, it didn’t matter how many people he helped because he always fell short. He was entirely too hard on himself.”

  “And he was so private,” I added. “I don’t know how he would feel about having his entire life splashed on print for the world to see.”

  Kate was quiet for a moment while she considered it. “I really don’t know. But I know that it would be a shame for such a great man to leave this world without his legacy ever being heard.”

  I stared into my cup of tea, wishing I had the right answer. I didn’t want to do anything that would dishonor Lucian. When I set out with this project, I didn’t know exactly where it was going. I only knew that it needed to be done. And now, I didn’t know what to do with any of it.

  “Can I think about it for a while?” I asked.

  “Of course.” Kate nodded. “Take some time. I’ll hold off Kal in the interim until you decide.”

  “Thank you.” I gave her a watery smile. “For everything.”

  “IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON with you and my sister?”

  Ace looked up at me, an amused expression playing across his face. “Is that why you wanted to talk to me?”

  “That’s part of it.” I shifted, trying to get more comfortable on the sofa. Birdie had made a quick trip to the grocery store for me, and I had a limited window of time to have this conversation with Ace.

  “I have a girlfriend,” he muttered. “I’m not interested in your sister.”

  He said it like she wasn’t even a blip on his radar, but I saw the way he looked at her sometimes when she wasn’t paying attention.

  “Well, I just think you should know that Birdie isn’t as tough as she seems, okay? She’s fragile, and I don’t want anyone using her, you included.”

  A shadow passed over Ace’s face as he growled out his response. “I would never use your sister. I told you, I’m not interested in her.”

  “Well, let’s just say in case you ever do get interested,” I said. “You shouldn’t start anything with her you can’t finish because Birdie is hard work. She’s vulnerable, and she deserves someone who can see past her when she gets angry. She needs someone who’s rock solid, and if you can’t be that, then just don’t even think about being a part of her life, okay?”

  Ace dragged a hand over his face and sighed. “Yeah, okay. I get it, but like I said, I have a girlfriend.”

  “Well, I’m sure she just loves you being over here all the time,” I mused, “which brings me to my next point. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the past few months. I know we aren’t really friends and the only thing we have in common is that we both cared about Lucian, but your presence has meant a lot to me.”

  “It’s not a problem, really,” Ace said with a mildness he rarely displayed. I’d come to learn that despite his exterior, he was really just a gentle giant.

  “We’ve come a long way since you first held a gun to me,” I joked.

  He smirked and scratched at his beard. “Yeah, I guess we have.”

  “Anyway, I’m not going to say that I’m fine because I don’t think I’ll ever be that again, but I’m not a complete mess incapable of taking care of myself anymore. And I want you to go back to living your life and doing whatever it is you do.”

  Ace gave that some thought before he nodded. “Well, you know I made Lucian a promise. I’m going to look after you no matter what. I’ll be checking in from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait to hear from me. If you ever need anything, night or day, I want to know about it.”

  I dipped my head and nodded. “Thank you, Ace. That means a lot to me.”

  We were quiet for a minute, and I was sure he felt like he needed to go drink a beer or do something manly after that conversation, but I wanted to ask him one other thing. “You know the project I’ve been working on?”

  He nodded.

  “Do you think Lucian would hate it if I published it?”

  Ace co
nsidered it for a minute before he answered in a way that put me at ease like nothing else really could have. “I think he would hate it if you didn’t publish it after spending all that time and dedication working on it. What have you got to lose at this point?”

  “Thanks, Ace,” I said again. “I can see why Lucian liked you so much.”

  After calling Kate with the news that I wanted to go ahead with the book, she was elated to tell me that she’d already been secretly working on it with Kal, just in case. Everything happened at lightning speed after that, and I was amazed at the efficiency of it all.

  “Things go much faster with small publishers,” she told me. “Kal only takes on a few books a year, but he gives them his all. You won’t regret it.”

  I looked over the cover we’d decided on, my fingers brushing over the glossy paper. It was a simple design—a white background with red and black font that displayed the title and tag line next to it. Kal explained that it was current with industry standards, and even though I initially wanted a photo of Lucian on the front, he would never be narcissistic enough to want that. He was a simple man, and this simple cover suited him perfectly.

  “LUCIAN,” I read the big block letters. “The man behind the mask.”

  Kal eagerly pointed out that there was also a picture of Lucian inside the cover.

  “I can’t believe I’m holding it in my hands.” I turned it over and examined it. “It seems so surreal.”

  “It’s just a proof,” Kal explained. “But we’ll host a local event the week before release, and the preorders will be ready. We’ve already started marketing, and the response has been incredible so far.”

  “What do I need to do?” I asked.

  “Well, there really isn’t much at this point,” he said. “My publicity team has your social media up and running now, so that’s all taken care of. Other than that, we’ll just need you ready with a speech for the event, of course.”