The Two Faces of Temperance

by Ichabod Temperance

  “I know, Nicky.”

  “That’s why it hurts so much!”

  “His subterfuge is evil beyond comprehension. These are the wounds that strike the deepest.”

  “Oh, Dipsy, I’ve never been wounded so completely before.”

  “No one has, darling.”

  “I am reminded; where is Persephone? You don’t suppose she might have had anything to do with this outrage, do you, Dipsy?”

  “I don’t know, Nichodimus, but I’d sure like to find out.”

  “That settles it. I need to talk to Persephone right away.”

  “Ha, ha! Yeah, Nicky, you’re right. I want to know; where has Persephone Plumtartt been and what she has been up to?”

  ~ * * * ~

  “That’s right, Lord Mortontoh. This form was narrowly saved from destruction. The manifest indicates that nautical instruments and special seals have been cleverly routed under these false headings. I maintain that there is an invisible market of government properties being thieved from right below our...”

  ~knock, knock, knock.~

  “Hello, Lord Mortontoh? Herbertte? Oh, good, there you are, gentlemen. I’m not interrupting, an I?”

  “Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets! Of course not, old boy. How nice to have you drop in upon us. Is there anything we can do for you?”

  “Oh, I don’t want to bother you, it’s just that, I was wondering why you were still pursuing all this ‘conspiracy’ nonsense. Certainly that was disproved when Lord Dashwoodey’s assassin was apprehended, thus tying all of this sordid business together, in one, tight little bow, eh hem?”

  “Well, Johnny, you know how it is. I would just feel better if a few loose ends were tidied up, don’t you know, old bean?”

  “Oh, yes, rather. Good show, that, I’m sure. Well, I don’t want to keep you from your vital intelligence work so, eh, I’ll just be on my way then.”

  “Oh, it’s really jolly good to see you, Johnny old fellow. Please feel free to stop by at anytime. Our door is always open, dear chap. Now excuse me as I shut it.”

  “Of course, Herbertte. Oh, though I was curious about one thing, before I go.”

  “What’s that, Johnny?”

  “Have you seen Persephone Plumtartt?”

  ~ * * * ~

  I always try,

  to do what’s right,

  Momma says for me,

  to be good.

  Folks say that I’ve,

  caused a terrible fright,

  here the executioner,

  in his hood.

  “Gee, whiz, I’ve been in this awful place a long time now. I’ve lost track of time. I wanted to visit the Tower of London while me and Miss Plumtartt were here in London, but I did not intend to do it like this, even if it does save me an admission fee.”

  This lonely cell,

  is my dank, dark home,

  its gloominess,

  makes me miss the sky.

  Here I’ll dwell,

  nevermore to roam,

  I’m so lone~ly,

  I could cry.

  “Gosh, I thought for sure, somebody would have come by to see me. Detective Nick ain’t been by. I don’t think he likes me no more. Miss Dipsy spit in my face and said she hated me. Spike ain’t come around, nor any of my newsboy pals. At least there ain’t nobody to see me lose control of my emotions.”

  ~gulp.~

  “But golly, I did kind of expect, … Miss … I was kind of hoping, … Miss … Oh, Miss Plumtartt, where are you? Why ain’t you come to see me? Miss Plumtartt, I need you so bad. I don’t know what’s going on! Oh, Goodness, I’m so scared and ashamed.”

  “I reckon that must be it. Miss Plumtartt must be ashamed to be seen with me.”

  ~sob.~

  I ain’t got no friends,

  ain’t got no hope,

  no future lies ahead,

  for me.

  This is the end,

  I’m such a dope,

  I’ll soon be dead,

  ‘neath the gallows tree.

  “Hunh?!? I hear a jailer’s keys! Somebody is coming to see me! Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, Miss Plumtartt! I’m over here, Ma’am! Is that you? I was afraid you had forsaken me! Miss Plumt... Oh. Excuse me, mister. I beg your pardon, sir, I thought you might be somebody else.”

  “How very droll. No, young, er, man, I am to be your prosecutor. My name is Harvey Dentworth. Now listen, boy, I am of two minds, here. I am sorely tempted to extend your torture process for as long as possible, even if you do cooperate, just to appease public outcry, you understand. There are a few sympathetic weak sisters that want to see you die in a quick, and relatively painless execution, but there is a real clamour for a blood spectacle in this case.”

  “You folks done already decided to knock me off, hunh?”

  “You have slain six people, sir. One of these victims was a sitting member in the House of Lords. Your conviction is a foregone conclusion.”

  “Yessir, I reckon so.”

  “I am given to understand that you are willing to cooperate with my offices?”

  “Yessir. If you all say I done these horrible things, then I reckon you all had better get on and do what you gotta do.”

  “Quite so. You may be interested to know that your manner of execution is the topic of wildest speculation across the city. Betting is out of control all over London as bookies make odds on your death sentence device.”

  “Y’all got a lot of choices?”

  “Well, as this is a capital crime of the rarest and highest rank, an appropriate response was thought to be in order.”

  “Yessir, I reckon that makes sense.”

  “I voted for chopping off your head with a great axe, but was shouted down for being too lenient. Though there is lots of crowd-pleasing blood involved, and the obligatory, ever-popular display of your severed head, the speed of the procedure is deemed to be far too humane.”

  “Nossir, I reckon you wouldn’t want that. What’s the running favourite?”

  “Guess.”

  “Umm, firing squad?”

  “Too dignified.”

  “Hanging?”

  “Though there is the wonderful drama of seeing you futilely kick about in an involuntary attempt to relieve the pressure of your neck, and let’s face it, who doesn’t enjoy seeing a freshly hung man try to run in open space, alas, the people are demanding a hemoglobin-drenched event. Guess again.”

  “How about one of them there dagger filled sarcophageese?”

  “Are you referring to an ‘Iron Maiden’?”

  “Yessir, that’s the one!”

  “Nice try, but, no, you see, the actual death blows would happen out of sight from the admiring crowds, and where would be the fun in that?”

  “You’re right. I didn't think that one through.”

  ~sigh.~“Oh, very well, as I can clearly see that you’re not going to get it, I may as well tell you. Why, there is a virtual uproar from the people wanting to see you drawn and quartered!”

  “Yikes!”

  “Haugh! ‘Yikes’, indeed. This is the showplace where true human drama is played out! One man versus four beasts! A horse secured to each extremety. The sport! The drama! The great founts of blood!”

  “Gee, kind of like in olden times, hunh?”

  “Precisely, dear boy! You are a pitiful little specimen, but I suspect you possess a wiry man’s hidden strengths. Yes, a ligament and tendon tenacity, as it were. You could very well put up the most spectacular showing of appearing to fight the inevitable if you put your mind to it, boy.”

  “Yessir, I’ll do my best, I promise.”

  “Good, good, I thought so. You seem a good, honest, little chap. Eh, for being such a horrible villain, of course.”

  “Yessir. Oh, I got an ideer. What if y’all used smaller horses? I might could almost have a chance at struggling for a bit.”

  “Hmm, it’s a proposal worth considering...”

  “Uoh! How about this!? What if you
all could use ponies, instead of horses? I betcha ponies would make it an activity for the children to enjoy as well!”

  “Good thinking! Glad I thought of it. We shall easily be able to market the event with souvenir merchandise and capitalize on the wholesome, family-friendly spectacle to raise some real revenue!”

  “Glad I could help, sir.”

  “I said it was my idea! Well, I suppose we’re done here. You just continue to cooperate and we’ll have this whole sordid affair sorted out in no time.”

  “Yessir, thank you, Mr. Crown Magistrate, sir. Um, gee, you have been my only visitor, wouldn’t you want to sit here and play a game of checkers or something? I’ve been awfully lonely, sir.”

  “Checkers?! How dare you insult me in this vulgar fashion! That’s it, no more Mr. Nice Magistrate! I have made up my mind! I am no longer paying any heed to my lenient side! You shall suffer, sir, suffer!!!”

  “Oh, golly gee whillikers, I’m sorry! Please, don’t go! We can play ‘Go Fish’ if you’d rather! Mr. Crown Magistrate? Harvey, come back! Oh, gee, I reckon he don’t like me no more neither.”

  “Oh, Miss Plumtartt, where are you? I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt nobody! I wouldn't never do nothing bad! I’m so scared. I’m so scared. I’m so scared and lonely!Oh, Miss Plumtartt! Miss Plumtartt, I need you! Where are you?”

  . . .

  “Miss Plumtartt!!!”

  ~ * * * ~

  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!

  With a backstab here,

  and a gut shank there,

  and a sloice from ear to ear,

  We love a cannon’s thunder,

  it’s a course of adventure we steer.

  OOOOOOOOHHH!!!

  Both rich and poor run,

  we have such fun,

  Sea-bourne soldiers of for-tune.

  Performing evil deeds with conscience clear,

  destruction is to our rear,

  Treasure and plunder when we’re done!

  OOOOOOOOHHH!!!

  With a bunk full of rats,

  and living on moldy cheese,

  why would we put up with it?

  Traveling the world round,

  with freedom unbound,

  I loves being a lawless pirate!

  “Yar, har, har, har!”

  “Ahoy there, shipmate! Is that Broke-Nose Nelson? Weren’t you boatswain on Captain Krabnuckles’ ship, The ‘Weeping Wounds’, back in ‘69?”

  “If you can remember the summer of ‘69, then you weren’t there, mate! Yar, har, har, yeah, it’s me. Ain’t nobody got a broke beak like Mama Nelson’s baby boy. Is that you, Bugger Bites Jones? You were slave master on that leaky galley, right? Yar, har, har, I knew that was you, you twitchy old crow. Ain’t the bugs finished you off yet?”

  “Yargh! The tenacious devils torment me still.”

  “This ancient tavern is packed with old-timers. Did you see old Crazy Pete? He’s still alive, right over there! I hadn’t seen him since Mad Captain Trendybeard and his ill-conceived drunken assault on Naples.”

  “Har, har, har! I was there, you scalawag! Trendybeard was caught, and about to be thrown in a land brig, but he congratulated his captors. He told them they were good brave lads that had got the better of him fair and square. That silver-tongued seadog convinced them that they owed themselves a victory toast, at which time he was able to snatch a cutlass and conclude their lesson for the day.”

  “Yar, har, har, but the funny thing is, almost the exact same thing happened to him again in Lisbon, but he convinced the Gendarmes that they did not have the rank or authority to arrest him, and that they had to let him go! Yeah, that crazy buccaneer always did have all the luck. Hey, I seen three of me old shipmates from the ‘Happy Minnow’.”

  “That Caribbean tour of the Minnow in the Summer of 1872 is legendary. We plundered every port except the ones Captain Ballstone wanted. His crazy first mate, Gunner Jim, was only interested in plunder of the female kind. We attacked nine cities before Jimmy realized that Captain Ballstone was after treasure of the golden sort. Ballstone was so angry he could have keel-hauled Jimmy. It was a good thing that the lads all loved Jim and would have mutinied if Ballstone had called for it, and Ballstone was not man enough to do it himself. Jimmy was no small man and nothing to trifle with!”

  “Aye, much like our Big John. Even on the one leg, I think Johnny could have handled Gunner Jim if it came to that.”

  “Aye. How did Big John lose that limb? I heard it was in battle against a Spanish galleon, but I’ve also heard that it was from the mis-fire of a gun he was manning.”

  “He won’t tell, and that’s a fact. The closest I’ve come to the skinny is that he caught a nasty infection while escaping a prison crew in the jungles of Brazil. Any idea what the smiling man has planned?”

  “No, but it looks like Johnny’s getting the band back together.”

  “Bands of Pirates make the sweetest music, don’t you think?”

  “I mean Johnny’s putting a lot of the old crew together. When did you get notice to be here?”

  “Just before me ship slipped tide. I bailed on the slaver because I smelled big money with Johnny.”

  “Yeah, I wish he’d called us in earlier. I heard that Azrael and the Dot got called in early.”

  “Yeah, but Azrael and Dottie have what you call ‘special skills.’ By the way, Black Dottie is sailing under a lubber’s false registry. Her fantail reads ‘Severity Bracegirdle’.”

  “Aye, the gimmicky handle suits her.”

  “Big John has something big planned, Bugger Bites; you may lay to that. We would not have gotten the signal to be here at the ‘Seeping Hull’ if it weren’t something really special.”

  “Yeah, Broke-Nose. I haven’t been down here to this old pirate tavern in a ship’s age. Come on, Broke-Nose, be a pal. Buy your old shipmate another pint of grog, eh?”

  “All right, Bugger Bites, just don’t get too close. I think some of your bugs have been jumpin’ off on me. Hey, Stephanie! Come over and take our order.”

  “Aye, Oye likes the cut of the jib on this new lass workin’ at the Hull. This lass Stephanie could raise a ship without a tide!”

  “Aye, she fills her sails most pleasingly, both fore and aft, yet holds her trim amidships.”

  “Aye, that she does. I fancies her auburn hair. I always fair better with the reds, eh, am I right, Nose?”

  “Aye, matey. Arrrrrr, aye.”

  “I say, ahoy there, gentlemen. What might one do to make your visit to the Seeping Hull a pleasurable one, eh hem?”

  “Arrrr, ahoy there, Stephanie, me lovely chest of loot. Come sit in me lap that I may whisper me desires in your perfect ear.”

  “I say, or, rather, bli-mey, Mr. Broken Nose, your loving embrace is unnecessary, for I know full well that you desire a tankard of barrel caught rain water with an ample ration of rum, am I not correct, me amourous matey, eh hem?”

  “Yar, har, har, you can’t blame an honest seaman for trying to gets a little snogglin’ when he can, can you?”

  “YOOOOOOO-dely-ho, ho, ho, oh, Bugsy, dearest, you are a lusty bag of vermin, aren’t you?”

  “Har, har, har, you may lay to that, lassie!”

  “I say, I do believe another round of song is passing through this exclusive club. Let us be prepared to chime in, lads, aye?”

  “Aye, aye, Stephanie!”

  With a Yoe-hoe-hoe,

  and a Yar, har, har,

  mix me a pint o’ grog.

  I’ve got treasure to grow,

  plundered near and far,

  I’m a rum-drinking/law-breaking sea-dog!

  [Arrr, arrr, arrr!]

  Yoe, hoe, hoe!

  Yar, yar, yar!

  Mix me a pint of grog!

  Taking maidens where I please,

  Ears are deaf to their pleas,

  While there’s food I’ll eat like a hog.

  [Arrr, arrr, arrr!]

  Yoe, hoe, hoe!

 
Yar, har, har!

  It’s a pirate’s life for me!

  I’ll never punch a clock,

  such a life to me’s a crock,

  let’s hurry up and put to sea!

  “Well done, my handsome lads, I shall fetch thee, thy refreshments.”

  “Ooph, Bugsy, did you get a load of that curtsy?”

  “Aye, Nose, there’s no denying it, the lass has charms. The negative space cleaved ‘tween her bosoms t’is as an ocean’s whirlpool to pleasurable depths. I thinks it goes all the way to Davy Jones locker and I’m still a bit lost.”

  “Ahoy, there, shipmate! Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Make that two he’s and a Sheila. All three of those alpha-pirate sea-rats we were speaking of just entered the for’castle.”

  “Har, har, har, right Broke-Nose, it’s Azrael Scurvybones, Black Dottie and Smiling Johnny!”

  “Ahoy, shipmates!”

  “Ahoy, Johnny!”

  “You may be wondering why I called this meeting. You may lay that it’s not because I missed your lovely faces and charming company.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “It’s big, lads. I’ve been working this angle for years and the pay-off is finally at hand. I’ve built you a ship, lads, a ship like none other. We shall be invincible anywhere in the world. Every country that has a seaport will pay us tribute. No war-ship can match us. We shall be kings all over this Earth!”

  “Hooray!”

  “Yeah, yeah, this all sounds wonderful, Big John, but first things first. Get out of the way, Johnny, we want to see Dottie!”

  “Yarrr, har, har, har!”

  “Hello boys, have you missed me?”

  “Hooray, Black Dottie!”

  “Look at her bountiful billows of raven black hair!”

  “Look at the bountiful billows of creamy white flesh!”

  “Why is it that her eye-patch is such a turn-on? I’m a fool for accessories!”

  “Feast on the glory of Black Dottie’s beauty! She is every pirate’s fantasy come to life! This is the perfect time for it. What do you say, lads?”

  “Aye, aye, let’s do it!”

  “Dottie?”

  “Aye, go ahead boys, you know you want to.”

  “Yar, har, har! Thanks, Dottie! Are you ready, lads? Then hit it!”