Blue Diamond

by Dawn Umrie

I dump my half-eaten toast into the trash and walk towards the stairs with my drink. Maybe if I lie down for an hour, I’ll feel better. All I want to do is be with Seth, nothing more. It’s been a long, almost two weeks. Besides the fact that I want to share in his accomplishment, I am so proud of him.

  I pull the comforter down and crawl under. God, I feel like shit took a shit. The party isn’t going to happen, and I know it, as my mind goes through the sequence of things I need to do beforehand, like showering, dressing, and driving. Doing all those things while feeling seasick without the sea could prove to be challenging.

  Ugh. I hate this. I lean on my elbows to take my phone off the end table. This feels just like the time I woke up sick the day my 4th-grade class was scheduled to go on a field trip and I had to stay home.

  It sucked then, and it sucks even more now.

  ME: Hey, I can’t make it to the party. I’m not feeling well at all. I’m so sorry. :(

  SETH: Baby, don’t be. What can I do for you?

  MERISSA: That’s so sweet, but I need to just sleep it off.

  SETH: I’ll miss you like crazy, but you getting better is what’s important to me. I’ll check up on you later. Love you, sweetheart.

  ME: Thanks. Love you more. XO

  * * *

  I climb back out of bed begrudgingly to use the bathroom. Splashing water onto my face, an hour of sleep helped a lot as my stomach feels way more settled. I dry my face and lean my arms on the counter and look in the mirror and see the color has returned to my face. I reach under the counter for my astringent, finding it behind my tampons.

  Tampons.

  Doing a mental scan of dates in my head, I open the drawer where I keep my birth control and open the case, my heart quickening as I count how many should be gone. I had to have missed a couple on the last cartridge, resulting in too many left on this month.

  My hands are shaking. I’ve always been faithful in taking these pills, but I give in to the sudden panic I’m feeling at the knowledge that my period is late, and I have more pills than I should have.

  Stress could be making it late, too, I convince myself, and I have been feeling a little stressed lately.

  And—moody, irrational… sick.

  Like PMS on steroids.

  These facts are not helping my case.

  Guess I’m going to make a quick trip to the drugstore because I won’t rest until I know for sure one way or the other.

  Sweet mother-of-pearl.

  Seth

  Everyone is relaxed and having a great time, and I should be too, but my mind is elsewhere. I cut the workday earlier predicting that this party is going to run late. I’m still drained from the trip and from all the work leading up to it. I should also be celebrating the end of a fuckin’ nightmare deal, but I’m tired in a way I haven’t felt until recently. This party was already scheduled with the caterers, event planner, and my employees or I would have canceled it—or postponed it at the very least.

  Merissa being sick doesn’t help my mental state, feeling shitty that I’m not there for her like I should be… like I should have been. As a CEO celebrating ten hard-working years, I feel gratified, but stripping down to just the regular guy, I feel a disconnect. Still, I put on my best act for the people who are loyal to me and contributed their all to make Vas the success it is today.

  I place my drink on the tray and exit the room that’s filled with chatter and loud music. Entering the elevator, I hit the button to my floor, one level up. My office will provide the moment of peace I need right now. I’ll join them again shortly while I get my head together.

  Opening my door, I leave it open since I’m the only one who would be on this floor right now.

  Because everyone is partying… and you’re in a shit mood.

  I sink into the leather and close my eyes.

  Merissa

  Seth didn’t answer the texts I sent him telling him I would be coming to the party after all, but I’m sure the party is in full swing, so he’s probably not checking his phone.

  I place his gag gift, a desk plaque that reads, ‘boss of you, fuckety fucks,’ inside my purse and walk into the lobby of Vas. I push my emotions deep into the far recesses of my mind because now is not the right time or place to let them run amok.

  They will remain behind the steel trapdoor until I allow them their freedom.

  Soon.

  Making the ascent up to the floor that Seth told me the party was being held is helping to slow both my pulse rate and breathing down. Still, not feeling one hundred percent, my motivation to see Seth is making me feel stronger than I actually am.

  The elevator doors open, and I could hear loud voices and music, so I follow the sound. I enter a huge space that looks like a hall and there are people in groups spread across the entire room with some letting loose and dancing. I smile for the first time today as I watch some of their moves. A server comes over to me holding up a tray with several glasses of champagne on it, but I politely decline. I feel for my phone knowing how difficult it would be to find Seth through all these people.

  ME: Guess who’s awoken from the dead?

  I’m at your party right now, but I can’t find you.???

  No response.

  Looking around, I spot a gentleman that I’ve seen before that works on Seth’s floor, so I walk over to him.

  “Hi, excuse me, have you seen Mr. Vas?”

  “Yeah, I saw him exit the room about ten minutes ago. Maybe try his office?”

  I wouldn’t put it past Seth to be working during his party, so I got on the elevator and rode the one floor up. The elevator dings as the doors open and I step out. I walk past the welcome desk and down the long hall, the sound of my shoes the only noise that could be heard. The door is cracked open and I hear Seth’s deep voice. I push open the door and the air is blasted out of my lungs.

  No… no, no, no.

  God, no.

  My hand flies to my mouth.

  I’m going to be sick.

  This could not be happening.

  I keep blinking rapidly hoping I’m seeing things.

  Seth is sitting in his chair, a woman with blonde hair sitting on his lap, her skirt riding up high on her legs. She has his loosened tie in her hands.

  A sound escapes from me somewhere between a sob and a cry.

  Seth’s head turns abruptly to see me standing there, his eyes widened in panic. She turns her head toward me, a wicked smile on her face.

  You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me.

  I faintly hear Seth calling my name through the drumming in my ears, but I don’t stop. I’m running so fast through my blurred vision, my right-hand covering my mouth to keep myself from crying out. A hum coming from my throat vibrates under my palm as I block the verbal torment that begs for release. My feet are hitting the floor, but I’ve become numb to the physical connection as if I somehow sprouted wings. I’m oblivious to my surroundings, treating them as no more than an escape route—the fight or flight response has kicked into full gear. My heart is beating out of my chest, every beat more crushing, more agonizing than the next.

  I’m in the elevator, hitting the lobby button multiple times, even though the doors are already closed; in my mind, it will make the descent quicker. A cold sweat is coating my skin makes me feel disoriented and panicked. Maybe I’m having an anxiety attack, or maybe this is what it feels like to have you, heart, fracture into a million pieces.

  Why is this elevator taking so long?

  Each exhale is coming out ragged while I’m being forced to stay confined inside this box, trapped like a caged animal. I wipe my tears angrily with the back of my hand, annoyed that they are flowing of their own free will. I’ve prided myself on my strength and ability to persevere no matter what life threw at me, so why does this feel completely different?

  Because, you fell madly in love with him.

  Because, you trusted him.

  The elevator doors slide open, a few people are standing in front
of them to head to where I just came from. As I scurry through them frantically, they part to allow me clearance while looking at me like I’m having some sort of nervous breakdown—and maybe I am. I could hear my phone ringing repeatedly in my purse and then the chime of text messages.

  Exiting the main doors, I slow down to a brisk walk and reach inside my bag to turn my phone off, not bothering to see who it is… knowing full well who it is.

  He doesn’t get to break me any more than I already am and hearing his voice would finish the job beyond repair. What is there to say that my eyes haven’t already told me?

  That you’re sorry?

  Starting the car, I sit there fisting the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white under my grip.

  Deep breath in, deep breath out.

  You’ll be okay, Merissa… just not tonight.

  Or even tomorrow –

  But one day you will.

  I look up in the mirror and see my eyes framed in redness, black mascara streaked down my cheeks like a warrior back from battle. I open my glove box and remove the package of baby wipes, pulling one out to wash off the exterior evidence of my pain. If only the interior sorrow that’s currently making my bones ache would wash away so easily.

  Heartbreak, the cunning bitch of emotions, embeds herself within a person, hiding there, not showing her face to others, only to you. She can’t seem to make up her mind whether to cause you physical or mental pain, so she has generously gifted you with both, picking and choosing when to rear her ugly head without so much as a warning. She sets up camp, almost lying dormant until a certain song comes on the radio, or a recognizable smell crosses your nostrils—the littlest of things that trigger fond memories.

  Just when you’re ready to hold up the white flag, you finally drum up the courage and strength to fight back before she decides to reside indefinitely and wards off even the tiniest inkling of happiness that comes your way.

  Unfortunately, I’ve become an expert on the subject of heartbreak. I’m all too aware of the steps I need to follow that will rid me of her for good…

  Those steps will be made… but, not today.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Seth

  Mike’s eyes make contact with mine as soon as I enter through the gym’s door, but he doesn’t approach me.

  Besides being in here to abuse my body to the point of exhaustion, I’m climbing up the fuckin’ walls wondering how Merissa is doing because she hasn’t acknowledged any of my phone calls or texts and wouldn’t open the door when I knocked—I can’t say I could blame her.

  I thought that I could have a man to man with Mike and judging by the livid look crossing his face, he’s been appraised of the situation… and he looks like he’s about to blow his top. I wouldn’t have expected anything less from him, but that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach.

  I place my belongings in a locker and walk over to his office where I saw him go before I came in here. Tension is rolling off me as I rap my knuckles on his closed door.

  Already knowing that it’s me, “Come in, Seth.” He says in a calm tone… deadly calm.

  He’s sitting behind his desk, his hands intertwined behind his head, an almost bored look on his face.

  I point to the chair. “Alright if I sit?”

  He nods in response, his hands now gripping the arms of the chair, his jaw tight and pulsing.

  Yeah, he’s fuckin’ pissed.

  “If you weren’t in my place of business, I’d fuck you up. Just keeping it fuckin’ real. Merissa is like a sister to me, and I don’t take that shit lightly. You screw with her, you screw with me. You ruined her, man,” he says while shaking his head and folding his arms across his chest.

  It would have been easier facing a firing squad than to hear that I ruined her, but what did I expect her to feel like? If the roles were reversed and I walked into a room with her on a guy’s lap, I would have used my fists first, then asked questions last.

  I sigh heavily.

  Fuck my life right now.

  Merissa

  With my small suitcase lying open on the bed, I begin to toss my clothes in randomly, not even caring what it is, if it matches, or even if I need it.

  I’ve been moving quickly through the seven stages of grief, not knowing if I’ll ever reach acceptance. My tear-stained pillow is an unwelcome souvenir of my misery.

  I have so many questions that will have to be left unanswered, not having it in me just yet to hear those answers… maybe I never will.

  The bottom line is that Seth had sex in his office with a woman that wasn’t me. I’ve ignored his calls and left his texts unread, but the hardest part was watching him earlier from the guest bedroom window knock on my door, place a single pink rose on my welcome mat, then pull away.

  My bottom lip trembles as I toss my make-up bag inside the suitcase and zip it closed. I’m not stupid enough to think I could avoid the inevitable talk I need to have with Seth. As much as I’d love to dodge him for the rest of my life, he deserves a visit from me.

  To tell him that I’m pregnant with his child.

  Our child will have both of our love. That is the only thing I’m sure of right now.

  Brooke and I are going to spend a couple of days on the beach, a place where I’ve always sought comfort. The sounds, the smells, the vastness of the ocean can soothe the most tumultuous of spirits and right now, my mind needs to be lulled.

  BROOK: I’ll be there in a couple of hours, honey.

  ME: Thank you, Brook. I love you. I’m going to go see my mother.

  BROOK: Love you, Rissy. Do you want me to go with you?

  ME: No thanks. I need to do this alone.

  BROOK: X

  ME: X

  My phone is ringing in my hand and my heart races, until I see that it’s Nate and not, Seth.

  “Hi, Nate,” I say, feeling another round of tears falling. I reach for a tissue and wipe them.

  “Rissa, you sound terrible, babe,” he says in a sincere voice.

  I wipe my nose. “Yeah.”

  He sighs. “Brook filled me in. I’m sorry. We’re all here for you.”

  I hiccup out loud. “Thanks, Nate. I know.”

  “That fucktard is going to be visited by karma, and we all know she puts the bitch in bitch-slap,” he says in a serious tone.

  My laugh comes out between my crying. I have no doubt that Nate could get one of the royal guards to laugh. “So, I’ve heard. This is why I love you, Nate.”

  “Love you, too. I know you’re going away with Brook, but if you need me, I’ll be here, babe.”

  My friends are a blessing. “Okay, thanks again. Bye Nate.”

  “You, bet. Bye Rissa.”

  * * *

  The cemetery is less than 20 minutes away and this is the first time I’ve visited my mother since her passing. I’m not sure why I’m here. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant with what would have been her first grandchild, or maybe it’s because I’m hurting and need my mother… the mother that had the best advice at one time. Part of me feels ashamed that I’ve neglected to come, but the other part that has kept me away scolds me for it.

  I pull off to the side of the small road that passes through the center, remembering all too well that her stone is under a huge canopy tree that blooms beautiful pink flowers year-round. My legs are refusing to move as I stand a few feet away clutching a bouquet of assorted flowers in my hand, noticing that most of the urns are filled with flowers or mementos… while hers sits empty.

  Breathing in the fragrant aroma, a beautiful monarch butterfly flutters around my mother’s headstone beckoning me with its brilliant orange and black wings to continue walking the short distance—giving me the much-needed courage. My legs are nothing more than rubber as I kneel in the grass, watching my falling tears darken the granite stone underneath me.

  I wipe away the leaves covering part of her engraved name and place the flowers in the container that sits on top, water already inside from last
night’s rain storm.

  Pulling a rose quartz stone out of my short’s pocket, I gently place it on top to show the respect I still have for her—for the years of happiness she gave me.

  I bow my head and place my hands in my lap, my index finger tracing the lines of my heart tattoo, a sad reminder that Seth held the key, but tossed it away—not before unlocking it.

  A sob escapes and I try to suck it back in.

  “Mom, I’m sorry that I’m just coming here now. I knew in my heart that I had to—” I exhale.

  “I just found out that I’m pregnant. I have a life growing inside of me.” I rub a hand over my stomach. “It’s the only thing that’s keeping me above water when I feel like I’m drowning. My best friend, the man I loved… who I still love, doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’m a naïve fool, I guess.”

  Plucking a few blades of grass with my fingers, “I miss the women who hung my terrible artwork up on the fridge. The woman who rubbed Vick’s on my chest and sung me silly lullabies at bedtime.” I sniff. “I miss our late-night talks and your laughter. God, I miss your laughter.” I stand up and bend my stiff legs and wipe off my wet cheeks. “I just miss you.”

  I look up at the beautiful blue sky. “I forgive you, mom. Please be there for me, especially right now. I’ll be back soon.” I blow a kiss before I walk back to my car.

  * * *

  Brook drives Mike’s truck into the driveway taking up almost the entire thing. I wheel my small suitcase down the walkway and give her a watery smile. She looks up with so much concern in her expression before she pulls me into a hug that causes me to sob on her shoulder. She runs her hand up and down my back not saying a word, just giving me this moment. My tears are no longer just about Seth, and she knows it.

  I straighten my posture and wipe my eyes for the hundredth time. “Do you mind if I just go in a minute to touch up my face?”

  She smiles. “I thought the Marilyn Manson look was still in but suit yourself.”