Tiger Milk

by Stephanie de Velasco

  Sorry for the delay, he says picking up a tray with another container of diarrhoea. He looks at me, uncertain.

  That’s for her, I say pointing at the burned girl.

  Sorry I’m just filling in today, he says putting down a tray with a plate of spaghetti on it next to my bed. With the fork I cut up the spaghetti as small as possible and carefully start to eat it. It doesn’t hurt, or barely hurts, only when the stitches stretch. I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I’m slowly starting to look less and less like a Chinese mental patient, more like a hamster with a fat lip, or somebody with two super balls in their mouth who refuses to spit them out. When I return to the room Nico is sitting on my bed.

  Hi cutie, he says.

  I can feel my face flush with happiness.

  Don’t say anything, I say, I already know that I look like a Chinese mental patient.

  Why Chinese?

  That’s what Jessi said because the swelling went all the way up to my eyes. But it’s a bit better now.

  Nico stands up.

  Are you allowed to be kissed, he asks and kisses me on the mouth before waiting for an answer.

  Careful, I say, everything’s still swollen.

  I’m being careful, he says and kisses me again.

  Do you have any smokes, I ask.

  Are you allowed to smoke already?

  Don’t give me that.

  He hands me a cigarette begrudgingly.

  We go downstairs and out to the park. The cigarette gives me a rush and my eyes go black for a second but I like it when you get dizzy from smoking, the curtain comes down, the curtain goes back up again and in a few seconds it’s all over, like a passing cloud casting a shadow.

  I wanted to come yesterday, says Nico, but I wasn’t sure when the visiting hours were, whether it was too late to stop by in the evening.

  No problem, I say taking a drag.

  So are you bored?

  I shake my head.

  Somebody died here today.

  Crazy.

  Yeah but luckily I didn’t see anything, I say, I just heard about it. Morbid. Have you ever seen a dead person?

  Just my grandmother, says Nico.

  And?

  Wasn’t so bad. It was sad, but not disgusting. She was really old.

  Death is weird, I say, don’t you think?

  Yeah, says Nico, but at the end of the day death is something totally normal.

  I don’t know, I say, that’s sounds like bullshit.

  Why, says Nico, death is part of life.

  See, that’s the same kind of bullshit. Everybody says shit like that. People talk about death like they talk about the weather but only because they’re scared shitless about it. That doesn’t fly with me.

  Nico thinks for a minute.

  But we all have to die sooner or later.

  I ram my elbow into his ribs.

  Yet another cliché.

  Well there you go, in that case I’ll get in bed with you right now, says Nico grabbing my legs and slinging me over his shoulder. I squeal. Hanging upside-down on Nico’s back I see a nurse coming across the park toward us.

  Visiting hours are over, she says tapping on her watch and looking at us sternly.

  I was just about to leave, says Nico.

  You were not, I say when the nurse leaves again.

  What?

  Leaving.

  No?

  No, I say taking his hand. Like thieves we slink through the park to the entrance and then up the stairs one floor after the next. I cautiously open the door to my room and pull Nico to the bed.

  You’re crazy, he whispers nodding at the burned girl, what about her?

  We’ll have to be quiet, I say and kiss him. We creep our way to the bed, kissing like our mouths are fused together, it’s nice but my cheeks hurt. I realize I’m dead tired but then I hear the clink of Nico’s belt and in the next instant his baggy trousers fall to his knees.

  Carefully, as if it would make noise, Nico takes my t-shirt off, I don’t have a bra on so I quickly get under the covers even though it’s almost dark outside and it’s dark in the room already. His hard-on is sticking to my thigh.

  Sorry, says Nico.

  It’s okay, I say pulling down his boxers and then my underwear which rolls up as I push it down my legs, that would normally never happen, it’s just because I’m rushing, and why really, I wonder, and then as if Nico can read my thoughts he lies down next to me all calm and looks at me.

  Don’t say anything like are you sure you really want this, I whisper.

  I wasn’t going to say that, Nico whispers back.

  I stand up, grab my wallet and disappear into the bathroom and rummage around for the condom that I’ve been carrying around all this time for just this moment, the same way other people carry a treasured family photo in their wallet all the time. All the condoms Jameelah and I have ripped open, at first by ourselves in her room and then taking them to the bathroom to fill with water and dropping them on people from the window, then later unrolling condoms over cucumbers and Barbie dolls, and then all the stuff on Kurfürsten started. I look at the expiration date and then toss the condom in the toilet. Even if it wasn’t already expired, I think, condoms are for kids and hookers and I’m neither one of those.

  I creep back into bed with Nico. I lie down on my back so Nico can get on top of me, I don’t think we’re going to try it any other way on our first time.

  Quietly, I whisper before he starts.

  This time I’m aware of everything because I’m not as fucked up as last time. This time it hurts bad, like getting poked but at the same time also like when you pinch yourself in a door or something. The purple spiral staircase is there again, I forgot to ask Jameelah why I see that when I sleep with someone. Maybe it’s the staircase that leads out of childhood. The real world is up there, or the fake one, or the rotten one, it hurts in any event. Without wanting to, I bite down and press my teeth together and the pain from below mixes with the pain in my mouth, somehow it’s nice though, no idea why, it sounds stupid but it’s true. Maybe it’s the kind of pain Rainer’s always gabbing on about when he shows us his pitiful tattoo for the hundredth time, and I have to think of the guy in the wheelchair and what he said about violence, only now do I really understand what it was he was trying to tell us. The guy in the wheelchair is right. Violence isn’t about the pain itself but the intent to cause pain, it’s when somebody wants to inflict pain on you. The guy in the wheelchair wasn’t so stupid after all, and the fact that he wasn’t so stupid is a comforting thought to me.

  I bleed, this time I bleed so much that I completely mess up the sheets. Nico is appalled.

  It’s normal, I say.

  I know, he says, but still.

  Give me a hand, I say.

  Together we strip the bed and I stuff the sheets into the bottom drawer of the cabinet. We creep back into bed. Nico snuggles up to me. I hear a siren outside as a fire truck drives past on Argentinischen Allee.

  I’m supposed to say hello to you from Amir by the way, says Nico.

  What, I say sitting up, you went there again?

  No I called him.

  Called him? How did you get his number? I want to call him too.

  You can.

  I jump out of bed.

  Not right now, says Nico, it’s already too late.

  Why, I’m sure Amir’s not asleep yet.

  Get back in here, whispers Nico pulling me gently back onto the bed, you can only call during certain times. We can call tomorrow. Besides, I have something for you.

  For me? What is it?

  Only if you settle down.

  Fine, I say letting myself fall back onto the pillow.

  Nico gets up and looks in his trouser pocket and then hides something in his hand. I can’t help smiling.

  I saw it, I say.

  No you didn’t, says Nico.

  You’re right, I didn’t.

  Close your eyes, he says fumbling aro
und with my fingers.

  Out of nowhere my heart starts beating like crazy.

  Now, he says.

  I open my eyes and look at my hand. On it is the ring, Jasna’s ring, Mama’s ring, Papa’s ring, three stones, two little white ones and a green one between them.

  I know, maybe it’s a bit over the top, says Nico, but do you like it anyway?

  I look at Nico and at the ring and at Nico again.

  Where, I whisper, how did you get it?

  I found it, says Nico, under the S-bahn, does that bother you? I took it to the lost and found office but when nobody picked it up after two weeks I was allowed to take it. I went to a jewellery store, it’s real.

  I know, I say looking at the ring again.

  My hand slowly starts to tremble, only a little bit at first but it keeps getting stronger and then the trembling crawls up my arms and into my shoulders and down through my guts to my hips and legs until my entire body is shaking, I can’t do anything, I can’t stop, it’s like in an earthquake or a storm, some kind of natural disaster.

  What’s wrong, asks Nico, his voice sounds very distant.

  I shake my head and look at the ring, all I can see are the small stones, Mama and I are the small white stones and Papa the big green one, I think, then everything goes blurry and something warm starts running down my legs but luckily the warm stuff running down my legs is just sperm.

  What’s wrong, Nico keeps saying.

  Nothing, I say trying to get myself together, go get me some toilet paper please.

  Nico goes into the bathroom. The burned girl has woken up, at least she’s moving around in her bed. Nico comes back with a roll of toilet paper.

  Will you please tell me what’s up, he asks.

  I wipe my nose.

  Tell me.

  Quiet, I whisper. My jaw, the wounds, everything is throbbing, the toilet paper is grey and so hard it hurts when you wipe your eyes and makes you cry even more. I take a deep breath, I look over at the burned girl, she’s not moving around anymore, maybe she’s trying to fall back to sleep, maybe she’d like to say something, like we need to stop screwing and crying I want to sleep, cut it out she’d probably like to say but maybe she can’t talk, I think, and then that if she can’t sleep we have something in common she and I, but we don’t have anything in common because I can talk and I can say something right now and I want to. I take a deep breath.

  We saw it, I whisper.

  Saw what?

  How he stabbed her at the playground.

  Nico looks at me incredulously.

  What?

  There’s no what about it goddamn it, we were sitting at the top of the slide and we saw the whole thing. How he took her in his arms and then how he executed her with his knife, how Jasna laid there in her own blood and puke.

  You can’t be serious, says Nico.

  You don’t know a thing about death, oh it’s natural and a part of life, you don’t have a clue.

  Nico is silent and stares at the bedding.

  Who, he asks at some point.

  I shred the rough toilet paper between my fingers.

  Tarik, I say, it was Tarik.

  You have to go to the police, Nico says for about the hundredth time since we woke up.

  I jump out of bed and pull up the shades.

  Leave me alone, I say, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

  You can’t act like nothing has happened. Like I said I’ll go with you if you want, you don’t have to get through it alone.

  Get through it, I can’t hear it anymore. The fuck you’ll help me get through it, you have nothing to do with it, I say.

  I do now, says Nico.

  I throw him his clothes.

  Here, I’ve got a visitor coming, you have to leave.

  Looking hurt, Nico gets dressed. We take the lift down to the ground floor together without saying a word. When we’re at the exit Nico looks at me for a long time.

  What, I say.

  I really don’t want to say this but if you don’t do it I’m going to.

  What are you going to do if I don’t do it?

  Go to the cops, says Nico, you open yourself up to being charged as an accomplice if you don’t say anything. And so do I.

  Do you really think I didn’t think about that?

  Think it over, otherwise I’ll see it through myself, seriously, says Nico then he turns and leaves.

  I stagger to the lift and then back to my room like I’ve drunk too much Tiger Milk, that’s exactly how I feel. The burned girl is sitting upright in her bed slurping from my plastic container, she looks at me reproachfully. I crawl back in bed, her breakfast is on my side table, muesli with yoghurt, I dip my spoon into it hiding the muesli beneath the yoghurt like the polar bear on Terra X burying itself in the snow, I bury the flakes of grain under the cold yoghurt but the muesli sticks to my teeth and I try to chew it up anyway.

  Jameelah and I need to talk, but even the thought of that is out of the question, game over, might as well leave the playing field and hit the showers. Amir, I think, I need to talk to Amir, I have to tell him everything, maybe that will make him come to his senses, I should have done it ages ago, why on earth haven’t I done that, I think.

  The burned girl clears her throat.

  You’re bleeding, she says.

  I turn to her.

  There, she says pointing to her mouth.

  Shit, thanks.

  In the bathroom I look in the mirror. Everything is bright red back by the stitches inside my mouth, blood is trickling out of one of the wounds. I shove toilet paper into my mouth and bite down on it.

  Thanks, I say again.

  I’m being transferred, says the burned girl as if it’s any of my business.

  Nice, I say pulling my phone out of a drawer. I go out into the hallway but I don’t have any minutes left so I go down to the information desk.

  I desperately need to make a call, I say putting a piece of paper with Amir’s number on it on the counter in front of the nurse, Nico wrote it down for me just this morning.

  She dials the number and hands me the receiver, it rings a few times until finally some bureaucrat answers.

  I would like to talk to Amir, I say, Amir Begovic.

  That’s not possible, says the bureaucrat, the inmates can only use the phone from six until eight.

  When I get back to my room the burned girl is gone. I still have the taste of blood in my mouth so I go into the bathroom and rinse it out. There’s blood and bits of muesli when I spit out, everything hurts like I’ve just gargled lemon juice. I open my mouth as best I can and see that both sets of stitches on my lower jaw have popped out. I sit down on the toilet, close my eyes, and try to think of jokes instead of the pain, it’s something Jameelah and I came up with and it usually helps but this time it doesn’t so I shred toilet paper and sit there on the toilet seat trying to deal with the pain. Then somebody knocks on the door.

  Where are you, I hear Jameelah call, I have to tell you something. I really have to tell you something!

  When I walk back into the room I see Jameelah jumping around on my bed. Her hair has grown over the summer and now goes down past her ears almost to her chin, the way she laughs and her hair flies around while she hops up and down, it looks beautiful.

  I have to tell you something, she shouts, I really need to tell you something!

  What is it, I say.

  It begins with L and ends with S!

  Tell me!

  Guess, says Jameelah letting herself plop down on the end of the bed with her legs crossed and looking at me expectantly.

  Just tell me, you idiot.

  Okay, what did we talk about at the beginning of the summer? In the bathroom? About what we wanted to do during summer break?

  You slept with Lukas?

  Bongo, Jameelah shouts and starts hopping on the bed again, bongo bingo bongo!

  Cross coincidence, I say.

  Why?

  Why do you thin
k?

  What, you too, says Jameelah, no way!

  Yes way, I say and to prove it I pull the bloody sheets out of the drawer. Jameelah shields her face with her hands.

  Here in the hospital? Cross.

  I smile.

  Did you bleed real bad too, I ask.

  Nope not at all, says Jameelah.

  Are you guys a proper couple now, you and Lukas?

  No idea, maybe. What about you and Nico?

  No idea, I say, and even if we were what does that mean these days.

  You sound like a grandmother. Like a forty-year-old, says Jameelah.

  No seriously. Actually I don’t even know if I want to be together with him.

  Don’t overthink it, says Jameelah, anyway it’s crazy, right? So we’re like cosmic-virgins or virgin-soulmates except more like the opposite, deflower-mates, what would you call that connection?

  Deflower like deforest?

  No, deflower like devirginize, says Jameelah, but the point is we need to think up a word for friends who lose their virginity on the same day.

  Oh right, I say, yeah.

  Jameelah stops jumping and lets herself drop onto the bed and looks at me with worry in her eyes.

  What’s wrong with you, she asks.

  Nothing, I say.

  Something’s definitely wrong.

  I dab toilet paper around my mouth.

  Nothing, I say, my mouth just hurts. I think you were right.

  The stitches came out?

  No idea but it’s definitely bleeding, but don’t worry somebody’s coming to have a look in a little while. Have you heard anything from Amir, I ask.

  No, says Jameelah.

  I called him, I say.

  Really? I didn’t know you could call him.

  Me either but Nico told me.

  So?

  He wasn’t there, he’s only allowed to go to the phone at certain times.

  Aha.

  I look out the window.

  What is it, says Jameelah.

  Maybe we should go to the cops after all, I say.

  Don’t start that again.

  What happens, I ask, if it turns out that somebody saw us?

  Who could have seen us?

  I don’t know but it’s possible. If somebody did we’re accomplices to murder, you can go to jail for that.

  Where did you hear that?

  Nowhere, it just occurred to me last night.