A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2)

by Henley Maverick

  Flashes of the night before popped in and out of my awareness, but then there was one that caught my attention and held it. A memory of Bear walking me to his front door, hand on the knob, his eyes dark and intense looking down at me.

  “Stay,” the word floated up, and I could hear his rough voice in my memory. See the longing in his eyes.

  He kissed me.

  Holy shit.

  How had I forgotten that detail?

  Probably because it seemed insane. All this time Bear had been back, I thought he was just putting up with me for Wyatt’s sake, barely able to stand being around me. He’d been acting like I was in the way or something, like I left a sour taste in his mouth.

  But no.

  Bear kissed me.

  What did that mean?

  It was one thing when I thought I’d been drunk and just flung myself at him, but that wasn’t the whole story. He’d wanted it to. And not just because I was there and offering. But was that it?

  Or was he interested in something more? Something romantic?

  The thought gave me a thrill, a huge grin splitting my face. The kind of smile that made your cheeks hurt, but you still couldn’t get rid of it.

  Had I been misreading this whole thing with him?

  I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to, but…

  I caught my reflection as I finished applying lotion and straightened up. The sight of that smile on my face was so strange, so out of place, that it popped my balloon right then and there.

  What was I doing?

  I slept with Wyatt’s best friend!

  He hadn’t even been dead for four months and I was already thinking about moving on? I should not have felt that way. I should not be imagining being with Bear again, spending time with him, having him at the dinner table with me and Dallas.

  Those were not the thoughts of a grieving widow. Not a good one, anyway.

  I felt like I was going to be sick. My stomach turned, acid churning, the whole room spinning as tears pushed up into my eyes.

  What had I done? And I was still thinking about it! Still wanting more. I still didn’t really regret it even though I knew I should. I knew I should beg for forgiveness, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. A small, indignant part of my brain chirped up in my defense.

  It said I deserved to be happy.

  It said that Wyatt made his choice without considering me, it was okay if I did the same.

  Somehow, that voice wasn’t as convincing as I wanted it to be. Probably because I knew I was just trying to come up with mental gymnastics to make myself feel better about the whole thing. Yeah right. I felt like one of the worst people in the world. All those terrorists and murderers? Got nothing on me. I slept with a guy after my husband killed himself.

  Putting it that way at least helped me laugh a little at how harsh I was being. I could tell that it was probably ridiculous to be so conflicted, but I wasn’t entirely sure which part I shouldn’t be conflicted about.

  In my bedroom, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, comfy clothes because I needed the comfort. I wasn’t so sure I was going to make it into work today after all, but at least I still had a couple of hours since we opened late on Fridays. Maybe I could still pull myself together. I knew that as soon as I went downstairs, my mom was going to give me that look. The one that clearly said, ‘what is wrong with you? Why aren’t you better at this?’

  I didn’t know what in my life was supposed to have prepared me for being a widow and falling for my husband’s best friend, but I guess it was some sort of failing that I didn’t know what to do or how to handle myself.

  When I went downstairs, I immediately spotted my mom on the couch, instead of in the kitchen at the table. She looked over at me, eyebrows raised in a silent question. There was no way she was going to let me get away with not telling her everything. But that was actually okay. My heart felt heavy and maybe getting some of this off of my chest would actually be good for me.

  So I sat down next to her, the couch cushion sinking under my weight. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, my hands squeezed between my knees.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, her expression turning to one of concern as she reached out to wrap an arm around my shoulders. How she could tell I was on the verge of a breakdown just from one look would probably always be a mystery. Mom superpowers, maybe.

  She pulled me against her and that little act was enough to break the dam. There was no holding back. The tears started to flow freely, soaking into her shirt, but my mom didn’t pull away. She just stroked my shoulder, softly shushing me.

  “What happened? Did he hurt you?” she asked, her voice hard as steel.

  I shook my head, swiping at my tears. “No… He didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, the realization choking my voice. He didn’t do anything that I hadn’t wanted him to do. And still, I’d just up and abandoned him without saying anything.

  “Then what?”

  “I really like him, Mom. I don’t know… I never thought about it before, but we’ve gotten closer… I really do.”

  “I figured that when you didn’t come home,” she said, a tease in her voice. It made my cheeks burn hot, but I clung to her still.

  “Am I a terrible person?” I asked, sniffling, hiccuping, full-on ugly crying on my mom’s lap like I was a little kid all over again.

  “What? Why would you say that?” She stroked my damp hair softly, the caress of her fingertips soothing, calming.

  “Because,” I sobbed, “Wyatt’s only been… been gone for…”

  “Shhh,” she soothed.

  “I feel like I’m betraying him. Like I’m cheating on him somehow.”

  “You feel like you’re breaking your vows?”

  I nodded, swallowing.

  “Well, do you remember what those were?”

  “Of course I do,” I snapped, feeling like she thought I was stupid. But she kept stroking my hair, and I realized I was just being defensive.

  “And how did they end?”

  I frowned, knowing what she was saying. My obligation to my vows ended when Wyatt took his life. Til death do us part.

  And death had parted us.

  “I still love him,” I sobbed, clinging to her. My heart hurt so much, but at the same time, it didn’t hurt as much as it had. It wasn’t a stabbing, all-consuming pain. It was a distant ache, present, but not the only thing I could focus on.

  “Of course you do. He was your first love, your husband, the father of your son. You’ll probably always love him, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room in your heart for another.”

  I swiped at the tears, trying to dry my face though I was sure they’d come back.

  “But it’s his best friend, Mom. I don’t know. Doesn’t that seem… wrong somehow?”

  “Not to me,” she said simply.

  I looked up at her, confusion in my eyes. “Wyatt loved both of you, and you both loved him, right?”

  I nodded, not really following where she was going.

  “Seems to me it only makes sense that you’d love each other too.”

  “No one said anything about love,” I said too quickly, butterflies flapping madly in my stomach. No one said anything about love at all. Love was territory I was definitely not ready for.

  “Fine. It seems obviously you’d both share a fondness for each other. The things that you liked about Wyatt are probably the things that made them friends.”

  When she said it like that, it did make sense, but my heart still rejected the logic of it. It still told me I was wrong and vile for doing this. For even wanting it.

  “It’s just such a mess. What if this is just because we’re both grieving? What if it blows up in our faces and then we lose that connection to him? What if it tears apart the whole friend group? And Dallas loves him, Mom. He’s crazy about him. If I screw that up…” The tears came back, dripping down onto her lap audibly.

  “So that’s the worst thing that can happen. You’ve already p
layed through that scenario. What about the best?”

  I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to think of the best case scenario. I thought of Bear being a part of our lives, being a husband, a father, being ours.

  I swallowed thickly, shaking my head. It was too hard to think about. I didn’t want to even consider it because I knew I was getting my hopes up for nothing.

  “Lexi, honey, you’ve always been a smart girl. You’ve got a big brain in that head, and a big heart, too. I know they’re fighting with each other right now, but they don’t need to, baby. Most people are lucky enough if they find one person in this short life that makes them feel that way. You’re lucky enough to have found it a second time. Don’t neglect that big brain of yours and ignore what the universe is handing you.”

  I let her words sink in. Let them marinate in my brain. Maybe she had a point. My mom always had a way with making me see things in a different light when I was being stubborn.

  “I thought you’d be disappointed in me,” I whispered, slowly sitting up, feeling marginally better.

  “I was only disappointed in you when I thought you were going to let someone else steal your joy. I understand grieving. I know it can take time to move on—”

  “But I wasn’t even trying, I know,” I sighed.

  She nodded and pulled me into her embrace again, kissing my temple. “See? Such a smart girl.”

  “This is going to be so complicated,” I groaned, dropping my face to my hands. Why couldn’t anything ever be easy? Why did everything have to be a struggle all the time?

  “It doesn’t have to be,” she said, gentle, but firm.

  “No?”

  “No. You could just tell him everything you’ve told me. He might have some things he wants to say to you, too.”

  I shook my head, scoffing. “Not after this morning he won’t. I kind of just… walked out on him.”

  My mom huffed, clearly disappointed in my conflict resolution skills. “Sounds like you need to go back and walk in on him again,” she said, nearly reaching ‘go to your room’ levels of Mom-ness.

  “What if he doesn’t want me?” The fear made itself known without me having a chance to stop it. My heart raced at the thought. What if I showed up at his place and he just closed the door in my face? Or worse, didn’t answer at all?

  What if he wanted nothing to do with me after I walked out?

  What if it was only sex for him to begin with, and he was happy I left without wanting anything more?

  It was enough to send a girl into a full-blown panic.

  “Well, then are you any worse off?”

  Shit.

  I hated that she had a point. She wasn’t supposed to do that.

  I sighed, shaking my head.

  “I’ve really screwed this whole thing up, haven’t I?”

  She chuckled at me, patting me on the back. “I’ve seen worse. You’ll be all right. Just gotta get your head out of your ass.”

  “Mother!”

  She laughed harder, giving me a swat between the shoulder blades.

  “Go on, make yourself presentable and have a talk with this boy. I want to know how it goes.”

  I rolled my eyes, a little smile playing on my lips. “Am I not allowed any privacy?”

  “I’ve got to make sure you don’t screw it up again,” she said, humor sparkling in her eyes as she used my own words against me.

  “Fine,” I groaned, throwing up my arms and getting to my feet. I was dreading it, but I was also going to go see Bear again, which was exciting.

  I missed him.

  That was weird, but I did. The moment I left his room that morning, I felt the absence of him. I wanted to go back in and lose myself in his arms, his kisses, his deep stormy eyes that always threatened to sweep me away.

  But I’d freaked out then, and I’d been regretting it ever since. Regretting it, and assuming I’d never have another chance. But the little pep talk from my mom had me reconsidering it all. Maybe it wasn’t hopeless. Maybe I could still go to his place and explain that I’d just freaked out and try to talk everything out with him.

  Maybe it wouldn’t work, but I had to try. Like Mom said, what did I have to lose, really?

  Feeling bolstered and renewed — and still more than a little nervous — I jogged upstairs to change, taking the time to put on perfume, do my hair, slap on some mascara and lipstick. I wanted to look good for Bear. I wanted him to see me and say wow again.

  Not that I actually thought that would happen. At least not this time. Not when I was basically crawling back to grovel and beg for his forgiveness.

  Okay, so that was hyperbolic, but not terribly far from how I felt.

  By the time I left the house to head back to Bear’s, there was an entire swarm of anxious butterflies flapping around in my intestines.

  Please, just don’t slam the door in my face, I prayed as I started the car. I could do this. I didn’t know what I was going to say, and it probably wasn’t the time to be winging things, but I was too nervous to even think of whole words, let alone complete sentences. This was not going to be a rehearsed speech type of apology.

  This was probably going to be me making an utter fool out of myself, but at that point, I didn’t even care if it meant I could have another chance with Bear. I didn’t know what was happening between us, or if it would even ever go anywhere, but I was finally able to admit to myself that I wanted to find out.

  21

  Bear

  “Dude, thank you again, so much,” Knight said as we climbed into my truck. I was still fuming, barely able to look at him.

  “I expect you to pay me back,” I grumbled.

  “For sure. And I owe you one. This joint custody thing is the only thing saving my bacon when it comes to child support. Judges like a guy showing effort you know? I can’t miss having him.”

  I frowned, hands tightening on the steering wheel. “And here I thought you just wanted to spend time with the kid.”

  His jaw dropped, his eyes widening, and he stammered, trying to recover. “Well yeah, obviously. He’s my kid, man. I don’t want him disappointed I didn’t show up. And I definitely don’t want him to know I stood him up because I was in fucking jail.”

  “Well maybe you shouldn’t have been in fucking jail,” I growled, shooting him a sharp glance.

  Knight sighed, throwing up his hands to concede. “I’m not saying you’re wrong.”

  I still couldn’t believe he pulled this shit. I thought he was doing better. I thought he’d grown out of this nonsense. But seeing as I was pulling out of the county jail, I guessed not.

  “Can you take me to get my car?” he asked, turning the radio on, flipping through the stations.

  “Where is it?”

  “Downtown. At Lee’s.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Let me get this straight. You went to a bar, got wasted, started a fight, assaulted someone, and ended up in jail. Tell me again how it’s not your fault?”

  He scoffed, shaking his head. “No point trying to explain it to you. You’ve clearly already made up your mind.”

  “So what am I missing? Enlighten me.”

  “You weren’t there, man. Those guys were trying to start shit. I was trying to end it.”

  “How’d that end up working out for you?” I asked with a sneer.

  He rolled his eyes and flipped me the bird. “I know you don’t exactly approve of my choices—”

  “Understatement of the year,” I muttered.

  “But it’s my life, Bear. I can handle it.”

  “Like you handled bailing yourself out?”

  “Look, I already told you I appreciate you coming out for me, but I don’t need the lecture.”

  I clenched my jaw tight enough that it resonated into my skull, making my head hurt.

  He needed to grow up and learn to deal with his problems like a man. I wasn’t always going to be there to help him.

  Then again, who was I to talk? I’d been pussy-footing a
round this whole thing with Lexi long enough that I wasn’t even sure what we were doing anymore. So did I really have any room to talk?

  Knight peeled out of the parking lot with a squeal of tires. I just shook my head and sighed, pulling out of Lee’s empty parking lot. I scrubbed my hand over my face, my head still foggy.

  There was too much going on and I didn’t know what to do about any of it. I wasn’t going to bother with Knight. Let him cool off and hopefully he’d apologize to me once he realized what a dick he was being. Or maybe he wouldn’t. But he wasn’t my main concern now that I’d gotten him out of jail.

  Now, I could turn my attention to the Lexi problem. The problem being that I wanted her more than anything and I was pretty sure that was one-sided.

  But pretty sure wasn’t absolutely sure. And even though she’d walked out in a big hurry that morning, she didn’t tell me not to call her or to leave her alone or anything. I’d just been thinking it would be for the best to give her some space, but now I wasn’t so sure.

  It was probably in part because I just wanted to see her again. I was trying to rationalize showing up at the library to talk to her. I was trying to convince myself that she wouldn’t be upset to see me even though she ran out without a look back that morning.

  But through all the trying to convince myself and going back and forth, I couldn’t really come up with a clear route. My brain was still fogged from the hangover, still slowly chugging along on low fuel. So I did the only thing that made sense at that exact moment: I pulled into the coffee shop.

  Caffeine would make everything clearer. It would get rid of the cobwebs and help me see the whole picture once I was free of sleep’s clutches. Then I’d know what to do.

  “What can I get for you?” the perky older woman behind the counter asked. She had a big smile, short-cropped silver hair, and a pair of half-moon glasses draped with a colorful beaded chain around her neck.