by Naomi Niles
The coffee machine sounded, so I went to grab a mug from the cabinet. “World’s greatest dad,” graced the front of the cup. Suddenly, I gripped hold of the coffee mug and chucked it against the wall. It shattered into thick shards, then fell to the floor. I didn’t deserve that mug. I was nowhere near, “the world’s greatest dad.” I couldn’t even keep my little girl safe. I couldn’t teach her what to avoid as she grew up. I didn’t do any of that, and now, because of my irresponsibility, she was dead. I grabbed one of the chairs next to the kitchen table and slammed it into the ground until the wood slivered.
She’s gone! She is fuckin’ gone, and it’s all my fault! I slid against the wall and fell to the floor in a cry of pain. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. It was just past 10 am when I realized how long I’d been sitting on the floor in the kitchen. I reached my hand to the counter and grabbed my cell phone so I could call in for work. I knew that Brian would think there was something wrong with me, especially since I never called in to work this late. When I looked at my phone, I realized that I had eight missed calls, and six of them were from Caroline.
I deleted all of her messages without listening to them, then landed on Brian’s. “Hey, boss. Just checkin’ on you, man. It is 10:14 and I know it is not like you to not call or anything if you’re not comin’ to work. So, just let me know which way is up. I just want to make sure you’re alright. Give me a call when you can, and if not, I’m just gonna come by your house and check to make sure everything is good. I spoke with Caroline and she said she left you yesterday, so I just want to make sure there is no funny business going on. Alright? Hopefully, I’ll talk to you soon.”
I sat with my phone in my hand, waiting to clear my sniffling before I gave him a call. Brian was a good friend, and outside of Caroline, I trusted him the most, but I didn’t want him to see or hear how broken I was. I had to keep up a strong exterior because I didn’t want those under me to see that I was a broken man. I cleared my throat as the phone rang. “Hello?”
“Brain. Hey, man, it’s Harrison.”
“Harrison. Jesus Christ, man, I was on my way over there with my shotgun. I didn’t know what was going on. Are you OK?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. I just uh, I just overslept a bit. Had a late night, you know? I won’t be in today though. Hope I didn’t mess anything up for you.”
“What? No, boss, we are good here. I’m kind of surprised that you called in this late though. Are you sure you are OK?”
“I’m positive. I just need a day or so to recoup. I’ll be good tomorrow.”
“Alright. Oh, and before I forget, you may want to give Caroline a call. She is talking like she doesn’t know what is going on with you and I think she is starting to worry. I was shocked that she didn’t know what was going on with you this morning.”
My jawbones gyrated as soon as he mentioned her name. I didn’t want anything to do with her right now, but I played it cool on my end. “Oh, yeah. Like I said, I overslept. I saw her phone calls as well, but I’m gonna give her a ring a little later. I know she is probably swamped with work right now, but I just wanted you to get the heads up that I won’t be around today.”
“Gotcha. Well, take your time, boss. You know that I have everything under control over here. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure will.”
“OK.”
I hung up the phone, then rested my head against the wall. I wasn’t going to call Caroline now, or anytime soon. I pushed myself up, using the counter for support, then headed back to her room. My stomach growled like a hungry dog, but I couldn’t care less. My appetite was nonexistent, and as far as I was concerned, starving myself was something that I felt justified my irresponsibility as a father. I wiped the silent stream of tears from my eyes as I walked into her room. Half of her things were unpacked, but it didn’t feel the same as it did before Caroline took her things down.
The peacefulness that sat in the air was disrupted by furious, hurricane winds of discontentment. “Hey, Dad.” I spun around, thinking I heard her calling me from behind. A sharp pain sunk into my chest once I realized she wasn’t there. I grabbed my rib cage as I doubled over onto my knees. I winced in pain and placed my hand against the wall and just as the pain began to subside, another one shot through my body like a current of electricity. Through the pain, I looked at her box. Her pictures were piled on top of all the other items as another sharp pain pierced my chest.
I didn’t know what was going on. I had never had a heart attack or anything like it before, so I didn’t know what to expect. The bright sunlight slowly darkened around me. I clenched my chest as I fell onto my back, facing Sarah’s ceiling. I could hear my phone ringing faintly in the background. My breathing intensified as if I was struggling to hold onto it. “Daddy?” Sarah’s voice echoed in my mind once again, sending another sharp, piercing pain shooting through my body. I yelled out in pain as I held onto my chest. Nervous beads of sweat fell from my brow while I squirmed around on my back.
The phone that rang in the background finally stopped and a deafening silence flooded my home. I laid on the ground, terrified of what was going to happen next. I wasn’t ready to die, but if it happened, then so be it. I deserved it. Sarah deserved to hear my apology face to face, and as soon as I crossed over, that was going to be my first item of business. Seconds later, the pain subsided. I laid on my back, taking deep breaths to prepare myself for the next wave of pain. As the minutes passed, it never came. I laid there expecting more punishment, but all I got was another ringing echo from my cell phone.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Caroline
I got to work Tuesday morning, hoping to see Harrison at work. I hadn’t spoken to him since Sunday afternoon and he had ignored my phone calls and texts all day yesterday. I just wanted to talk to him and see how he was doing, but from the looks of it, he was still pissed off. I thought about calling Johnathan to see if I could get a male’s perspective, but I knew that would be a bad move. I arrived at work at 10:09 am. I didn’t see Harrison’s truck anywhere. I gave him a call as I sat in my car, but after one ring, I was sent right to voicemail. You know what? Just forget it. I know I messed up, but he is not even giving me a chance to explain. Forget him!
I got out of my car and slammed the door behind me, then made my way into the building. A few of the construction workers waved to me, but I didn’t even acknowledge them. As of right then, I hated men. All of them. Every size, shape, and color. I smashed the button on the elevator and folded my arms over my chest. The nerve of him. I lost my best friend, too! He is not the only one who is hurting behind all of this! The elevator chimed as I found myself becoming incensed at the fact that Harrison was ignoring me. As soon as the elevator opened, Brian stood on the other side.
“Whoa. I was going to say good morning to you, but it looks like you are going to bite my head off if I did.” I walked onto the elevator and pressed the button for my floor. Brian didn’t move from the elevator as the doors closed. “So um, everything alright? Caroline?”
“Is Harrison here?”
“No. He called in again today. Something must be very wrong with him, though, because this is very unlike him. I mean, one day was bad enough, but two days? In a row? This is unheard of from a man like him.”
Suddenly, my anger began to subside. The spoiled, bratty nature of mine was replaced as I thought about Harrison. It was so selfish of me to think the way I was thinking. That was his daughter, the only family he had for the past 20 plus years, and now, she was gone. I looked at Brian, then exhaled. “Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah.” The elevator doors opened. He put his hand out to keep them from closing again. “We spoke this morning before I came in. He called me on my cell phone when I was getting ready, and he told me that he needed another day or so. I tried to open him up a little bit, you know? But you know how he is. He shuts that door before anybody can slide a foot in. He is good with that.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, he is. When he wants you out, he will put you out. I know that for a fact.” I mumbled the last words under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Oh. I was just saying that I hope everything is alright with him. He won’t let me in, either, but I figured he would let his best friend inside of his mind.”
He laughed. “No, not me. I’m on the outside looking in just like you.” He looked at his papers, “Oh, and before I forget, these came into my email for you. I thought I would print them out and let you look them over.” He handed me the papers with a smile. “But yeah, I wouldn’t worry about Harrison too much. He is a tough guy, so, whatever it is, I know he will be OK. He didn’t sound sick, so I guess that is a good thing.”
“Yeah,” I said as I pretended to look over the papers. “Well, I’m going to get to my office and start working. I’ve got a long day ahead of me.”
“Alright. You know where I am at, so just shoot me a holler if you need me.”
I smiled as he let the door close between us. I glanced at Harrison’s office door as I walked past. I just wanted him to be alright. I knew that he hurt himself once because he blamed himself for Sarah’s death, so I was hoping that he didn’t injure himself again. As I made it to my office, I sat down at my desk and went through the papers that Brian handed me. When I came across some information that needed Harrison’s attention, I took that as an excuse to step into his office. I grabbed my keys, then made my way to his room.
The sunlight hit me as soon as I opened the door. The light illuminated the dust particles that floated in the room like tiny fireflies. I walked to his desk and placed the papers down near his computer. A picture of Sarah sat to the right. I picked it up and smiled, wiping the dust off the frame with my finger. Sarah, help me, please. Your father hates me. My eyes began to fill with tears before I wiped them away and placed the picture back on his desk. I wanted to call him again, but I knew that he would just send me directly to voicemail once again. That was the normal thing to do for the past few days. I hated it with all my heart, but I had no idea how to get around it. My finger hovered over the call button, but instead, I scrolled to Brian’s number and initiated the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Brian. Um. Are you busy?”
“Just going over some paperwork. What’s up?”
“I um,” I walked away from Harrison’s desk, “I just want to talk to you about something. I mean, if you are busy, I can wait. I just – well, it’s about Harrison.”
“Harrison? OK, yeah. Did you want me to come up there or do you want to come here?”
“I can come there. My office is kind of small right now.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right about that. We have plans to build you a bigger one. That is, if you decide to stick around, but that is another conversation for another day. Come on down. I’ll be waiting.”
“OK.”
I closed Harrison’s door and went to Brian’s office. He told me to come in as soon as I knocked on the door. I closed the door behind me, then took a seat in the chair right before his desk. I twiddled my thumbs as he leaned back and propped his leg over the other. I was nervous about speaking. I didn’t know what he would do when I told him the truth about me and Harrison. Since I couldn’t talk to Johnathan, the next best person was Brian. They were best friends, and I knew that he could possibly provide a better way for me to handle this problem. He waited patiently for me to talk.
“So, I messed up.” I sighed, then continued. “I messed up big time.”
“I’m listening.”
I looked away from Brian, too nervous to make eye contact. “Well, Sunday, I went by his house to hang out a bit, you know? Just for a little while since neither of us had anything to do that day.” I didn’t want him to know I spent the night, so I kept the details about that to a minimum. “He ended up falling asleep later and,” I took a deep breath, knowing what was about to come next, “I remembered that he asked me to help him clean out Sarah’s room a while ago.”
I looked at him as he tilted his head to the side as if it helped him understand me better. “So, I took the initiative and decided to clean it out for him.” He closed his eyes and nodded his head as if he already knew where I messed up. “I mean, I thought he was just so busy that he didn’t have the time. Besides that, he just appreciated me for taking the initiative earlier by cleaning up his kitchen, so, I just wanted to keep up the trend. I am a helpful person by nature, so it was something natural for me to do.” I could feel the tears forming at the bottom of my eyes. “Now, I realized that I made a horrible, horrible decision and now Harrison hates me.”
He put his feet flat on the floor and grabbed a Kleenex. “No, no,” he said, handing it to me, “he doesn’t hate you. Trust me, he doesn’t hate you. He is just hurt right now, and honestly, he doesn’t know how to deal with the loss of Sarah. Maybe he should have told you that the room was sort of like a memorial for him. I mean, that is just my opinion, but Harrison doesn’t share much. He keeps things closed up inside of him for the most part.”
I wiped my eyes with the Kleenex, trying not to smear my makeup. “I know. I know ,and like I said, I was just trying to help him out. Take some of the stress off his shoulders, but now, he won’t even talk to me. I called him all day yesterday and a few times today, but I don’t get a response or anything. He forwards my call to voicemail, and now, it is like he doesn’t even want me to exist. He hates me, and I know it.”
“No, no, Caroline,” he walked towards me and sat down on the edge of his desk with the box of Kleenex in his hands. “He does not hate you, and I know that for a fact.”
“How do you know that?” I asked with a mouth full of cries.
“Because I know. I know Harrison, and the way he talks about you?” He chuckled, “It sounds like he is talking about his high school crush or something. I mean, the guy is absolutely smitten with you, and I’ve never seen him like that a day in my life. Now that I think about it, did you drug him?” I narrowed my eyes, then moments later, a crescent smile fell from my lips. “Ah, there it is! A smile! I thought I’d never see that from you anymore, especially with the way you’ve been walking around here the past day. But like I said, trust me, he feels some kind of way about you. Now, I can’t tell you if it is love and I don’t know the details of your relationship with him because he doesn’t tell me much. But, what I can say is that I know he cares for you. A lot.”
He handed me another Kleenex. “Now, yeah, you did mess up by taking down Sarah’s things, but like I said, it wasn’t your fault, especially if you two talked about doing it together before now. Just – just give him a little time, you know? Let him simmer down. The one thing about Harrison is that yes, he will get mad and once he gets to that point, he can say and do things that he didn’t mean to. But I guarantee you that after he settles down, he will come to you and apologize. Hell, he has said some shit to me that would’ve pissed me off any other day, but my wife has a sharper tongue than him, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.”
“Your wife has a sharp tongue?”
“Oh, yes! She does, without a doubt! Now, don’t get me wrong, she can be a sweet as pie when she wants to be. But, if you get on her nerves, she will cut you to shreds with just one sentence. Hell, just a few words!” He laughed. “But that is another conversation. You, on the other hand, just give him some time. Have you gone by to see him?”
“No. I figured he wanted me to stay away.”
“Maybe you should take a stroll over there and see what happens.”
“He yelled at me and told me to get the hell out of his house the last time I was there. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m not as thick-skinned as you are, Brian.”
He grabbed me by the hand and lifted me up, “No. Trust me. I have a good feeling about this. Go ahead and stop by. I know he is at home. And listen, if he says anything mean to you, just leave it to me. I’ll take care of it, and on top of that,
I’ll let you take a run at me as payback. You can say anything you want. Any word in the book, OK? Deal?”
I laughed and wiped my eyes. “No deal. I don’t want to take my anger out on you, but, that is your best friend. So, I’ll trust that you wouldn’t lead me down the wrong path.”
“As a matter of fact, go ahead and go now.”
“Now? I’ve got so much work to do.”
“It can wait.” He opened his door. “Go ahead. I only have a few things to do myself, and if push comes to shove, I’ll help you iron some things out if you get backed up. Just leave your key with me, if that is alright with you, and I will go up there and take care of whatever it is that you need me to.”
His smile was inviting. “Thank you, Brian. Thank you for helping me maneuver my way through this mess I caused.”
“No problem, Caroline. No problem at all. Oh, and when you are done talking with him, tell him we are even.”
“Even?”
“Yeah. He helped talk my wife out of a divorce.” He laughed to himself. “Yeah, that Harrison is a good, good man. I don’t want to imagine where I would be without him.”
We embraced, then I left his office to grab my things and head to Harrison’s. I was glad that I had gotten a better understanding of him through Brian, but all I could do was hope that he didn’t curse me out when he saw me. I knew I was taking a big chance, but I felt like it was worth it. As I sat outside his home, I contemplated driving off. My heart couldn’t take any more venomous words from him. My heart felt as though it was trying to leap out of my chest. Dark storm clouds moved into position as light thunder rumbled above me. Let’s go, Caroline. It is now or never.