by Naomi Niles
Chapter Thirty-Three
Harrison
It was a panic attack. I went to the doctor later that day to find out what happened to me. I knew I was a healthy guy and in pretty good shape, so it all hit me by surprise when I found myself laying on the ground, thinking I was on my way to death. “Yes, Harrison, you are completely healthy. From what you have told me, it just sounds as though you had a panic attack. Your anxiety, coupled with the fact that you heard your daughter’s voice moments before it happened, is what led me to that diagnosis.”
The reality is that I was not coping with Sarah’s death the way I should have. Instead of letting everything out, I kept it in. That was generally how I handled everything in my life, and right now, it was all starting to catch up with me. I sat in the front room as the relaxing sound of thunder rumbled above me. It was only 11:40, and I thought about giving Caroline a call, but I knew she was probably busy at work. I felt bad about the way I treated her the past few days, and as I held my phone in my hand, I figured that going to see her in person would be the best way to apologize.
I got up from my seat on the couch and walked past Sarah’s room on the way to mine. All of her things were placed back in their original spots. The calmness that I felt before everything had happened was still gone. I sighed, then made my way up to my room to get dressed. Thick, dark rain clouds blanketed the sky above as another rumble of thunder shook the windows in my room. I smiled as I thought about the times that I would hear Sarah’s little feet pitter-patter as she ran to my room in the middle of a thunderstorm. She would launch herself into my bed and wiggle beneath the covers until she nestled her way right underneath my arm.
Those were the memories that I kept locked inside of my mind. The memories that would never allow Sarah to pass away, no matter what was, or wasn’t in her room. Before long, I found myself feeling sillier about the way I acted with Caroline. She didn’t deserve that. I shuddered when I thought about the things I had said to her before she left. I have to make this up to her. When I finished getting dressed, I went downstairs and shut the television off. A stream of lightning lit up the sky as the rain started to crash into the roof. I grabbed my coat out of the closet, and as soon as I opened the door, my eyes widened. Another flash of lighting parted the sky, and a low, thunderous rumble followed right behind it. “Caroline? I was – I was just on my way to see you.”
She looked as though she was afraid to speak. Afraid to make eye contact. The flow of rain picked up, and with that, I grabbed her by the hand and gently tugged her inside. She held her head low. “I’m sorry. Were you getting ready to leave? I didn’t mean to interrupt your–”
“No, no. It’s fine. I um, I was actually headed to the office.”
“Ok. I can come back another time. I was just–”
“I was on my way to see you, Caroline.” Thunder vibrated my home like the heartbeat of God as she stood in front of me. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt like such an asshole, and I knew I was going to have to dig my way out of this. “Come in, please? Have a seat on the couch. We have a lot to talk about.”
She nodded her head and timidly walked towards the couch. I missed her touch. The way she comforted me during the moments I felt as though I couldn’t carry on with my own strength. It had only been two days, but it felt like two years. I watched her as she walked to the couch and took a seat. I followed behind her and sat on the other side of the couch with a small space between us. Another rumble erupted from the skies above as the rain beat against my home. “Listen. I um, I am really sorry about everything.”
“No, Harrison. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have intruded on Sarah’s space. I should’ve asked first, especially knowing how sentimental you are with her things. I know you keep her voicemails on your phone and everything you have carries some emotional value to it. I didn’t think about that as I was going along. My focus was just to help you out as much as I could. If I would have known what kind of mess I would cause, then I would have never stepped foot in her room.”
Her eyes glimmered with tears. She looked at me for a moment, then fixed her attention directly in front of her. “I need to apologize, too. You should probably know this about me, Caroline. I have a hard time letting go. I hold onto things, and most times, since I don’t let the emotions out, they come out on their own. Forcefully and always at the wrong time. I held onto my pain from Sarah’s death. I can count on one hand the number of times that I shed tears over her death. I kept sweeping things under the rug, just hoping that it would go away on its own.”
I took a deep breath. I had never opened myself up to another person. I was too afraid that they would use my vulnerability against me. I thought that they would see it as a weakness and use it to their advantage. Even now, I was apprehensive about telling her anything else, but she deserved to know. She deserved to understand why I lashed out at her last Sunday. “I swept her death under the rug and lived off her memories. Something inside of me kept feeding me hope that one day,” I glanced at the door, “she would walk through that door with her big, bright smile and tell me she loved me.”
I felt tears forming in my eyes, but I didn’t stop them from falling. It took everything in me to allow them to fall down my cheeks in front of Caroline, but it was time that I let her in. Completely. “I kept torturing myself, trying to convince my mind that this was one, big, horrible dream and I was going to wake up. I was going to wake up and go to Caroline’s graduation, and everything would be fine. That is what I believed, and while I lived in that fairytale world, I didn’t want to touch anything in her room. I wanted everything left exactly the way she had it because she always threw a hissy fit when I touched things in her room.” I smiled at the memories. “So, I left it alone. I didn’t touch anything, and that helped me keep her alive. The voicemails, the clothing. Everything I held onto helped me keep her alive. I was driving myself insane, Caroline.”
I felt her hand grab hold of mine. She scooted closer to me. Waterworks fell from her reddened eyes as she sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. “And then you came along and helped me. You helped me indirectly. When you were around, I felt better. I felt like I could carry on and then, even when you took her things down, I now realized that you helped me. If that never happened, I would’ve never broken down the way I did. I cried all night and the following day. I slept in her room. On her floor. In her bed. I had a panic attack.” I shook my head. “I didn’t even know what those things were, but I heard her voice, and then, I just felt pain. I thought I was going to die.”
She gripped my hand tighter. “But I was alright. I owe you an apology, and a thank you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Harrison.”
“I do. You helped me break through the barrier and grieve for my daughter. You helped me do that, and I was angry at first because I didn’t understand, but now I understand. You were there to help me all along, and you didn’t even know it. I am sorry. Please, forgive me. Please.”
She wrapped her arms around me and cried with me on the couch as I held onto her like she was the last woman in the world. Lightning lit up the sky. Thunder ensued. Rain beat against the rooftops. I held her, and in the midst of a storm, she was the calm I needed. I didn’t want to lose her, and I couldn’t afford to. Our chemistry lied in between our ability to be ourselves, and unconsciously fill the voids in each other’s lives. She was my void filler. I was grateful to have her in my life.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Caroline
I was surprised to see Harrison break down in front of me last night. I wanted to spend the night at his place, but it seemed as though he still needed his space to work through some things. It was tough to see him in tears, but then again, it showed me a side of him that I didn’t think existed. There was a lot of hurt behind his tough exterior, but that was like most of the men I’ve known. They had a hard time sharing their true feelings, but I knew that when Harrison broke down in front of me, that was a major change for him
. I resisted the urge to text him as I laid in bed, watching the clock tick from 7:59 to 8 in the morning.
After I realized that I wouldn’t get another wink of sleep, I hopped up and got into the shower so I could get ready for work. I was nervous about how things would go today. I didn’t expect them to go back to normal right away, even after we put everything on the table last night. He showed me Sarah’s room before I left. I was surprised when I saw that things weren’t the same. A lot of the things that I removed were still gone. I remembered what he told me like it just happened. With a glimmer of tears in his eyes, he spoke. “I had to start letting certain things go. The pictures and whatnot, those are the items I will hold onto. But, her clothing, shoes, and stuff like that? I am going to go ahead and send them to Goodwill. I figured that somebody else in need could use them. It’s what Sarah would have wanted me to do, and I know it. I was being selfish with her things, but she is gone now. She is gone, and I can finally begin to accept that as a fact.”
It hurt for me to hear those words because I once struggled to accept that same truth. I still do, even to this day, but I know that she is in a better place. The steam from the shower rose into the air as I thought about what to wear to work. I wanted to find something that would cheer Harrison up if he still felt down. After a few minutes passed by, I finally came up with an outfit. I grabbed a white, sleeveless mini dress from my closet and laid it on my bed. I hadn’t worn it since I purchased it shortly before graduation. Sarah had one just like it, and we had planned to wear them on graduation night while we went out to celebration parties. It was a bittersweet memory, and I had planned to take it back to the store, but I decided against it. Sarah would’ve wanted me to keep it, and that was the reason it was still in my closet.
After I got dressed, I headed to work. It was just past 10 am when I showed up. I was disheartened when I didn’t see Harrison’s truck parked outside, but I figured he would just be in a little later. As soon as I got into the building, a small group of construction workers huddled near the water fountain. One of them smiled at me as I walked by. I cordially returned the favor as I walked to the elevator. “Hi.”
I turned around to see the young man who waved at me on my way to the elevator. “Hello.”
“Yeah.” He took his construction hat off. His hair was cut short and his mahogany-colored eyes glimmered as he looked directly into mine. “I just wanted to introduce myself to you. I’ve never seen you around here before, so,” he extended his hand, “my name is Tim.”
“I am Caroline.” I shook his hand. “It is nice to meet you.” I didn’t think he knew that I and Harrison were on the verge of dating. In fact, I don’t think anybody at our job knew, outside of Brian. Harrison was a very private man, so I expected that much.
“Yeah,” I saw him glance down at my ring finger, “so I was thinking that maybe we could go and grab something to eat one evening. I mean, that’s if you are not busy.”
I smiled. “Wow. You move fast, don’t you?”
He chuckled, “Well, I was told that the early bird gets the worm. So, I didn’t want to let this opportunity pass. Who knows if it will present itself again?”
Just then, the elevator doors opened in front of me. Tim was cute, and he was exactly the type that I looked for in college. Tall. Slim. Tanned with a short haircut and pretty eyes. I didn’t know what Harrison was thinking about our future, but I knew that Tim wasn’t the one I wanted. He was tempting, but I had to pass. “I’m sorry, Tim. I can’t. I am sort of seeing someone right now, and I don’t want anything to come between us.”
He smiled. “I see. Well, the good ones are usually taken, so I can’t say that I am surprised. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, Caroline.”
“Thank you, Tim. You as well.”
We exchanged smiles as the door closed on the elevator. I headed to Brian’s office first. Since I didn’t see Harrison’s truck, I figured that Brian would know about any changes in his schedule. I knocked twice and waited for him to open up for me. “Caroline! Hey! Good morning. I just got here about 20 minutes ago myself. Come on in.”
“Hey, Brian. How are you doing?”
“I am good. I got a shitload of work today, but that is a good thing. It makes the time go by faster.” He sat down in his seat. “So, how did things go yesterday? Did you come here to curse me out?”
I laughed and sat down in front of his desk. “No, silly. No need for that. I’d say the conversation went well. He um, he really opened up to me and told me a lot about what he was dealing with for the past few days.”
“See! What did I tell ya. I know my buddy, man. I know him.”
“Yeah, thank you.” I smiled. “But, I figured I would see him here today, so I guess things didn’t go as well as I thought.”
“Oh, no, he called in again. He sounded as if he was doing much better today than he was the past few days.”
“He called in?”
“Well,” he cleared up his words, “he didn’t call in. I saw him leaving the building when I showed up. Apparently, he has some things planned for tonight, and he wanted to get things settled.”
“Things?”
“Yeah. I mean, you know how he is. Specifics are scarce when it comes to him, and I didn’t pry, so I left it alone. But, judging from the grin on his face, it seemed as if he was excited about it.”
I tried to mirror his expression, but I couldn’t but wonder what he was planning for tonight. We didn’t speak about doing anything together, so I figured that he may have had something else planned that had nothing to do with me. “Oh, I see. Well, I am going to get to my office and start catching up on the work I missed yesterday.”
“I told ya to let me knock those things out for you when I was here yesterday. I would’ve been more than happy to help you out.”
I stood up and hung my purse strap on my arm. “No, I knew I could handle it all today. Like you said, it makes the time go by faster. I’m gonna head upstairs, though. If you need me, I’ll be there.”
“OK. Have a good day, Caroline. I’m sure I will see you around.”
I forced a smile until I cleared his office. Maybe Harrison didn’t feel better? I called the elevator as I held my phone in my hand. I thought about calling or texting Harrison to make sure everything was OK, but I left it alone. Maybe he just needs more time. I climbed onto the elevator and rose to the fifth floor. As I got off, I glanced at his door, then kept walking to my office. As soon as I stepped inside, my eyes lit up.
There were vases full of tulips and roses all over my office. On the desk, the chairs, and the floor. Balloons were tied to them, and on my desk, there were small gifts and a card. I put my hands over my mouth to keep myself from screaming out of excitement, then dropped my purse to the ground. This explains why he was here earlier. My vision blurred from tears as I walked closer to the desk and grabbed the card. I imagined his deep, sonorous voice as I read it out loud.
“Hey, Caroline. I am sorry that I acted like such an asshole towards you. I still feel bad about it, but hopefully, this will begin to make up for it. Like I said, this is just the beginning. There are a few gifts there, and tonight, if you are free, I would love to have dinner with you so I can show you part two of my apology. I have something special to show you. Something that I’ve kept tucked away for decades. If you are available, please come to my house at around 8 pm. If not, just text me, and I am sure I can reschedule.”
- Harrison.
“I did a good job holding that in, huh?”
I quickly turned around when I heard Brian’s voice. He stood in my doorway with a smile on his face.
“You knew about this?!”
“Knew about it?” He laughed. “I am the one that helped him load up this place with flowers. Do you really think I would come to work early? Seriously?”
I laughed, then ran to put my arms around him. “Brian, this is so sweet! No one has ever done anything like this for me before. Nobody. I feel like a fucking princess! I
can’t believe it!”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “I know he really cares for you. Like I said, I don’t know if it is love. I’ll let him iron that out between you two, but if I had to guess, that would be mine.”
“Thank you, Brian. Thank you so much!”
“Sure thing. Well,” he said, looking around my office, “I’ll let you get to work in this jungle of yours. I hope for nothing but the best for you two. From what I can see, you both deserve it.”
He smiled, then walked out of my office. I quickly grabbed my phone and sent Harrison a text message. “Here I am, thinking that you still sort of hate me, and I walk into this?!”
“lol – are you just now getting to work?”
“What? Are you going to write me up? LOL.”
“Not even. I am glad you liked the surprise, though. Please tell me that you are free tonight.”
“Well, I was thinking of hopping on my private jet so I could go to LA and kick it with Will and Jada Smith, buuuuut I guess I can spare an evening for you.”
“LOL. You are too kind.”
“Thank you, Harrison. I will see you later.”
“Looking forward to it.”
I could hardly focus on my work for the rest of the day because of the anticipation. Inside of the boxes, there were two pairs of earrings and a bracelet. I quickly removed the earrings I had on and replaced them, then slid the bracelet onto my wrist. I couldn’t wait to see what Harrison had planned for me later.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Harrison
“So, she loved it?”
“Did she love it? Man, the girl was in tears when I walked into her office and trust me, those weren’t tears of sadness, man.”
I laughed as I sat in the front room talking to Brian. “Good. I got a lot of making up to do with her. I was such an asshole, man. A complete, utter asshole. I’ll never forgive myself for it.”